The Seventh Voyage of Temperance (The Adventures of Ichabod Temperance Book 7)

by Ichabod Temperance

  “Gee whiz Professor Fuzziwitz, whatcha got?”

  “Oh, you, the dreadful little boyfriend, or whatever you are. What was your name? Isaac?”

  “Ichabod Temperance, sir.”

  “Yeah, so Icksi, or whatever, you homely little young man, standing there open-mouthed, slack-jawed, and with the peepers that puts me in the mind of a sleep-deprived tortoise. My biggy discovery is this hidden temple. Its hillside entrance was grown over with long grasses, but I still found it. I am thinking that I want your help in opening this stone tomb.”

  “Gosh, I don’t know Professor. I’m all for scientific discovery, but I think we might oughtta show some regard for the native populace’s property and history.”

  “A naïve sentiment, boy! The world has a right to these treasures! Besides, all of the population is gone. There are no inhabitants here that still care whether some old fossils are treated with care and reverence. Don’t worry, Icksi; science knows best.”

  “Eh hem, I say, this expedition reminds me of Britain’s Egyptian excursions. I echo Mr. Temperance’s concerns and urge you to consider not spoiling this aspect of the island’s heritage.”

  “The Polynesian pinheads of this region don’t know what they possess! To them, these are merely their ancestors’ sacred bones, but to us, the scientifically enlightened, these are curios of history to be drilled, tested, prodded and scrutinized. The South Seas savages would only venerate their dead; we would catalog them!”

  “I still ain’t completely convinced, Perfessor. Just what kind of help from me did you have in mind?”

  “Just grab up that sledge hammer over there, boy, and come smash the stone seal on this sacred shrine.”

  “Eh, hem, yes, but before you do that, Mr. Temperance, I should like to impart with our less than completely conscientious guide a little more data. You know, many felt that wrathful, avenging spirits protected those Egyptian gravesites with powerful curses to prevent tampering by graverobbers. Some feel that many British expeditioneers fell to those curses. We could very well be about to bring dire consequences down upon ourselves.”

  “Fiddle faddle and falderall, child, that is just silly womantalk nonsense. Come now, Tempi-pants, break this seal. Science has come knocking!”

  “I sure enough don’t feel right about that Perfessor Fuzziwitz, that ain’t being considerate towards this island at all. It might be construed as disrespectful toward the island’s ancestry, and I sure wouldn’t want none of no part of that. What do you think, Miss Plumtartt?”

  “I say, you will find me in concurrence with your observations, Mr. Temperance, despite your convoluted use of double negatives. Quite so, for it is my belief that science can afford to slow its harried pace, and learn to observe its subject in the field, as it were, as opposed to under the microscope on some distant continent.”

  “That is a clear indication of why men are in charge in this world. We rule with our heads, while our feminine counterparts are led by emotion. Why, where would this world be if we always let our conscience be our guide? Progress would come to a screeching halt! Now enough of this silly, sentimental, fooling around, break that seal, Teaforants!”

  “I sure am sorry, Perfessor, but I gotta say no to your request.”

  “That was not a request, but an order! You squeamish sissy, give me that hammer! I’ll do it myself!”

  “Nossir, I can’t let you do that, Perfessor!”

  “Quit holding that sledge hammer up above your head where I can’t reach it! Give it to me, now!”

  “I’m sorry, but nossir! Let’s just enjoy the unspoiled tranquility of Valentine Island, okay? What do you say Perfessor Fuzziwitz?”

  “I say, … NO! Unh! As I kick you in the shin to get you to lower the hammer that I may snatch it, leaving you to hop about on one foot holding your bruised leg bone.”

  “I say, my word, how rude!”

  “I do not care for your mamby pamby cowardices. I shall break the stone seal of this shrine and in the name of science, lead the way forward with this...”

  “~Strike!~”

  “Did y’all feel that? I could have sworn I felt a light tremor pass under our feet and out across the island. It’s as if we just dropped a big rock in the middle of the proverbial pond of trouble, and a big, foreboding ripple of indignation spread out from there. I sure hope Miss Plumtartt was mistaken about all them curses and hexes and whatnot as is often associated with sealed, places of sacred significance as this structure gives every indication of being.”

  “Don’t be such a sniveling coward, Icki-bod, besides, this little tomb is a big disappointment anyway. There is nothing here but a small room with absolutely nothing in it. Nothing at all. Nothing except this low pedestal in the middle of the floor. All it has is an unimpressive statue on it. This statue is so plain, I am sure it has no meaning. It is just a cone of stone. It is round, about a foot across at the base, and then rises about four feet into the air and comes to a blunt end.”

  “Looks like a swollen elephant tusk, only straighter, don’tcha think Miss Plumtartt? Miss Plumtartt, are you all right? You look to be kind of flushed.”

  “Oh, eh hem, yes, er, please forgive the rush of colour in my face Mr. Temperance, it’s just that I recognize the article on display. It is obvious to me that this is a, eh hem, how shall I say, fertility totem.”

  “Fertile, as in good crops and that sort of thing, Ma’am?”

  “Ehm, that is close enough to suffice for our purposes, Mr. Temperance.”

  “Si, it is a lovely example of these people’s culture. I shall just pick it up so that I can study it better in the sunlight, or back in Italy at my University laboratory.”

  “Wait, Professor, please don’t!”

  “Unh! There I have it! Let’s go.”

  ~ . . . t r r r e m b b b l e . . . ~

  “Dang it, I know y’all felt that one! You done it now, Professor. It’s like the whole island just shuddered in anger at that holy relic being removed from its rightful place. C’mon Professor, how about putting that statue back where it was?”

  “No, it’s mine! Finders/keepers, losers/weepers! Now, let’s get out of here!”

  “My word, Mr. Temperance, as we hastily exit the slab walled tomb, I note the weather has certainly taken a sudden change for the worse, wouldn’t you say? It was bright sunshine when we entered that tomb a moment ago, but now dark skies and blustery winds await our return. Does this not send you a hint, Professor, that something is not right, eh hem? My feminine intuition informs me that indeed, this island is not happy about your keeping that souvenir, sir, and my instincts are never wrong.”

  “Rain, rain, go away, this loot is mine and that’s how it’s gonna stay.”

  “Hey Miss Plumtartt and Professor Fuzziwitz, the whole time we have been on this island, all these statue heads sticking up out of the ground have given the impression of being kind of solemn and serene. Things are different. Up until now, they have given me a peaceful feeling, yet, unaccountably, I am kind of nervous around them. I have the oddest sensation that the statues are now awake and watching us.”

  “Oh, that is an unsettling thought, Mr. Temperance. Surely you are simply imagining such a phenomenon.”

  “Not only do I get a creepy feeling like we are being watched, but that the folks watching us are very angry, too.”

  “Ha, ha, you scare-dy-cat, to even think such a ridiculous...Eek! I think that giant Valentine Island statue just turned to me a little bit!”

  ~ . . . t r r r e m b b b l e . . . ~

  “Mr. Temperance, the statues are moving! They are now animated with life! ”

  “Yes Ma’am, Miss Plumtartt Ma’am, for as far as I can see, scores of the statues grow progressively more mobile. These stone giants are trying to climb and squirm up out of the ground! This one here close by has his arms clear of the ground. He is placing his stone palms to the earth on either side and pushing himself up and out of the ground. Oops! She is pushing herself up and ou
t of the ground.”

  “I say, Mr. Temperance, this is a repeating attribute among these statues. In opposition to Easter Island’s men, we are seeing hordes of shapely Valentine Island women statues squirming forth, up and out of the ground.”

  “Eep! They want the artifact I stole! Oops, I mean, I stole it fair and square in the name of science! Shoo, you walking detriments to the advancement of Man’s knowledge. A woman’s place is in the home, but in your stone woman’s case, her place is in the ground!”

  “These babes ain’t bashful, Perfessor; how about giving these stone cold statues their fertility symbol back?”

  “No, I won’t do it!”

  “These gollem gals are pretty mad, Perfessor. It’s written all over their expressionless faces. An undeniable aura of menace and anger sure ’nough emanates from the basaltic babes’ well developed forms! They are popping up and out all over the place! Each impressively built girl must be twenty to thirty feet tall!”

  “Cease your incessant blather and get me to safety, you little idiot!”

  “I say, perhaps Professor Fuzziwitz is correct, and that a hasty withdrawal is called for at this time. Oh, Mr. Temperance, would you be so good as to provide our transport?”

  “Yes, Ma’am, Miss Plumtartt Ma’am! Let’s hurry over to and jump on the ‘ped-o-pillar’!”

  “I say, do you really think that this sprocket-driven tractor will be able to out-pace these furious maidens of stone?”

  “I sure hope so, Ma’am! Hurry, and hop aboard this device that is set up as a bicycle built for two might be, but actually has positions for three passengers. Also, of course, our foot-driven sprockets provide energy to the two belts of linked metal plates, out-rigged to either side of our pedal-craft, instead of to bicycle wheels. These plates continually lay a temporary path to tread upon before our almost any type of terrain vehicle. I believe that this type of land tractor that is propelled and steered by its path laying treaders will come to be referred to as ‘patherers’.”

  “Gentlemen, I urge you both to pedal as fast as possible. A phalanx of voluptuous, volcanic rock vixens are moving to outflank our egress.”

  “That’s some good pedaling, y’all, but I think Perfessor Fuzziwitz could pedal a little faster if you were not still clinging to that fertilitility pole.”

  “I refuse to relinquish my prize! Shut up and get me out of here you little imbecile!”

  “Yessir. This tractor was not meant to be driven this fast! Her track locking steerage is kind of sketchy at this velocity. We got around that first bunch of Valentine Island women, but more are in pursuit. Eep! Now we gotta dodge around these holes that the ladies climbed up from.”

  “I say, Mr. Temperance, our options for escape are effectively nil. This small island is now completely aswarm with galloping, gregarious girls of grudge laden granite.”

  “You’re sure right about that, Miss Plumtartt, these gals are running around like they are on some sort of geologic Sadie Hawkins Day Jamboree.”

  “Tempsi-nance, you babbling fool! Get us back to my ship! These women of stone will not be able to swim after us!”

  “Yessir, Perfesser! I see it! There’s the ship we came in on, the Italian, ‘Roman Hands’. It is at anchor, just beyond the coral reef that surrounds this island. If we can make it to our Venetian launch, we can make it to the ship.”

  “Oh, Mr. Temperance! This soft sand is slowing down our ‘Ped-O-Pillar’. This island’s all girl revue quickly closes upon us.”

  “Signorina Plumtartt is right! We must abandon this tractor and run for the gondola!”

  “The sand is slowing down them big ol’ girls, but this is going to be cutting it pretty close! Put your foot into the cup of my interlaced fingers and I’ll give you a boost aboard, Miss Plumtartt. You too, Perfesser Fuzziwitz, but I wish you would turn loose of that dang fertilizer symbol.”

  “Quiet boy, I mean to escape with my artifact prize! Get me aboard this gondola!”

  “Yessir, up you go, and now I’ll just give us and push and then scramble up behind you. Gearacoggi, wake up! You’ve got to get us out of here, quick! C’mon, Mr. Gearacoggi, you sleepy, spring-driven, clockwork gondolier, we got trouble. There are hundreds of giant rock women about to grab us up and rip us into little shreds!”

  “Beep, beep. Si, si, Signore Temperanci, I see, see. Beep, beep. Itta looksa like-ah we gots the big female troubles thissa time-ah for the sure, henh, boss? Beep, beep.”

  “That’sa, that is, I mean, that’s right, Mr. Gearacoggi. Please move a little/lotta faster if you don’t mind, sir. We are very close to being vamped to death by vengeful, and vindictive Valentine Valkyries.”

  “Beep, beep. Oh, but-ah Signore Temperanci, there is always time for the amori, henh? Beep, beep.”

  “Almost always, Mr. Gearacoggi, but not this time. Gondolier us out of here as fast as possible!”

  “Beep, beep. But all the fine Signoras wish to share their affections, henh? Beep, beep. It breaksa my Italian spring-driven heart to deny these many beautiful womens of my romantic nature, si? Beep, beep.”

  “Oh, I say, perhaps this will help. Er, excuse me, Signore Gearacoggi?”

  “Beep, beep. Si, Signora Plumtartt? Beep, beep.”

  “Mr. Temperance has expressed an interest concerning indulgence in passionate love making once we are back aboard the ‘Roman Hands’. Please hurry us back to the ship before he changes his mind.”

  “Miss Plumtartt!”

  “Shh, Mr. Temperance!”

  “Beep, beep. Hey, why didn’t you say so! Beep, beep. Away we go! Beep, beep.”

  “Faster please, Mr. Gearacoggi, even if you do have the wrong idea about Miss Plum...Ow!”

  “I say, faster please, Signore Gearacoggi!”

  “Beep, beep.”

  “Oh, Mama Mia,”

  “I loves to see-ah”

  “The lovers so happy,”

  “and to sing this song so sappy.”

  “Oh, Persephone-ah”

  “Come hold your Icksi-bod so tight.”

  “Give him the big smoochy kiss-ah,”

  “Love him with all your might.”

  “To-mor-r-r-r-r-o-o-ow,”

  “may be too late.”

  “Killer women of stone press against us,”

  “What a tragic fate.”

  “Beep, beep.”

  “Ohhhhhhh, Mama Mi...GLURCKTCH!”

  ~eeeeeEEEEEERRRRRrrr~

  SPROING-OING-OING-OING-YOING!

  “Zoinks! Those rock women ripped Mr. Gearacoggi apart like he was a wet tissue in a hurricane! These rock maidens is fired up and they ain’t playing around none neither! We’re caught!”

  “Very well, you giant, scintillating, though stingy, Silicon Signoras, have your silly old fertility symbol back. It’s nothing but a phallacy! Here, catch!”

  “It worked Professor! The statuesque girls have stopped their attack. I think they are satisfied with their trophy and have no need of Mankind.”

  “Or just, ‘man’, in general, Mr. Temperance.”

  Chapter Two:

  Icky vs. the Cruel Hand of Fate

  “It feels good to be back aboard the ‘Roman Hands’ and off of that dangerous island, Miss Plumtartt.”

  “Indeed, Mr. Temperance, that Pacific Isle turned out to be fraught with peril. Fortunately we have once again escaped with our lives. Good show, that, I say, hear, hear.”

  “Yes, Ma’am, Miss Plumtartt Ma’am, I would sure feel bad if I went and let us get killed. I feel nice and safe aboard the Professor’s ship, though. This ocean paddler ship we sail on maintains a respectable pace, plowing the wide, Pacific expanses. This is one of my favourite activities, Miss Plumtartt, that is, laying on the deck of a ship at night and looking up into the infinite oceans of the universe above. Contemplating the size of the Galaxy and realizing one’s significance, or lack thereof, is a humbling thought. Thinking about the depths of the interstellar void tends to boggle my mind.”

&
nbsp; “Quite so, Mr. Temperance, though I find the celestial display to be most soothing. In fact, this wide Cosmos helped to bring you and me into contact with one another, for I do not think that we would have otherwise met if not for the intrusion of the ‘Revelatory Comet’.”

  “You’re right about that, Miss Plumtartt! It’s almost eight years since our Solar System hosted that visitor from the trackless void. In the summer of 1869, that sparkly white Celestial snowball came barreling through our little gathering of planets. The comet was a pretty sight when it first showed up, but then it came back around from the other side of the Sun. The tremendous gravity well had sucked the fearsome comet in and flung her back with the accompanying momentum of a gigantic discus throw. Everybody thought it was going to smash straight into us, but instead, it flew past right before we collided. The Earth then passed through the tail of that Comet and we ain’t been the same since. Those sparkly bits of the Comet’s tail we ran through were invisible to the nekkid eye, but apparently must have been absorbed somehow. That encounter had an unusual effect on a number of this planet’s inhabitants. Our world has been swarming with scientists and artists of every conceivable stripe. I must admit, I would not have the same knack for invention and general tinkering if I were not among the many that have been affected by the ‘Revelatory Comet’s unusual effect on our planet. I’m just a plain old Alabama farmboy and you are a British aristocrat. If not for the ‘Revelatory Comet’, I never would have gotten to meet you, Miss Plumtartt, and that would be tragic.”

  “My word, Mr. Temperance, you do say the sweetest things. Your sentimentality is among your hidden charms. I must admit, I too am enjoying this time beneath the stars. Tell me, can you name a few constellations for me?”