The Seventh Voyage of Temperance (The Adventures of Ichabod Temperance Book 7)

by Ichabod Temperance

  “It’s working, Admiral! ZodGila is headed right for us!”

  “Hai, ZodGila is cooperating with us by coming ashore precisely where we want him. His hatred for civilization is an irresistible attraction!”

  “I say, have all the necessary preparations been seen to, eh hem?”

  “Yes, Ma’am, Miss Plumtartt, Ma’am. I have just come from where we have camouflaged our trap. It’s a good thing we had access to all that steel cable.”

  “If you please, here he comes I think. Let us take shelter behind this low hill out of ZodGila’s path as he strides ashore, hai?”

  “Hi! Yes, Ma’am, Miss Rhianico, Ma’am. You better get your automated mobile cannon units into action, General Hiro Hisoscari-San.”

  “Hmmgh. Hai, Ichsa-bod. All units, maintain your fire on ZodGila, as you carefully maneuver back from the coast.”

  “It’s working, General Hiro Hisoscari! ZodGila is heading right for our trap!”

  “Hmmgh. Stand by to drop those weights! This action must be executed with utmost precision!”

  “My word, ZodGila is quite the obliging chap, eh? He is moving inland exactly as Mr. Temperance had predicted, in pursuit of coal-smoke producing military hardware.”

  “A little more... A little more... almost there... hah, he stepped in the covered pit! Now, General, now! Engage the trip wire!”

  “Hmmgh! Drop the weights! Hai! Perfect! The falling gathered wrecking balls on those pulley equipped towers has snapped our hidden trip wire up, just as ZodGila’s other foot was stepping into a covered pit! Down goes ZodGila!”

  “My goodness, Mr. Temperance, the old axiom is true, for the bigger they are, it seems, then the harder they fall, eh hem? The brute has landed on his jaw and knocked himself senseless!”

  “Don’t wait a second, General! Get that super-monster subdued while you have a chance!”

  “Hai! Mortar crews, move into position!”

  phoomp!~phoomp!~phoomp!~phoomp!~phoomp!~phoomp!phoomp!~phoomp!~phoomp!~phoomp!~phoomp!~phoomp!

  “Hey Jubei, tell ’em to hurry up with those huge stake driving pile drivers!”

  ~hammerdy~hammerdy~hammerdy~hammerdy~ ~hammerdy~hammerdy~hammerdy~hammerdy~

  “That’s it, General! Your hundreds of brave soldiers are running in to launch cables back and forth over the great beast. Some of these are cables that were lying there already. These will hold ZodGila’s arms and legs immobile so that he cannot thrash himself free. The pilings will be used to keep the beast secured to the ground. We’ll get this big lizard hogtied until we figure out what to do with him.”

  “Good show, General. I say, ZodGila is beginning to look as if he is some sort of great mummified papoose within some sort of monstrous, steel webbing cocoon.”

  “Hmmgh. Hai, now we must kill the super-monster!”

  “I ain’t got that part figured out yet, General Hiro Hisoscari. His tough hide has proven itself nigh invulnerable to your most devastating attacks. I think you might do better trying to keep the prisoner under control by slipping him a Mickey.”

  “I believe Mr. Temperance means to say, that you would do well to sedate our guest by means of heavy tranquilizer, eh hem?”

  Harumph, hai, Persephone. See to it at once, orderly!”

  “Maybe you all could build a cage for him. He could be a big tourist attraction! I betcha just loads of folks would pay good, hard-earned money for a first hand look at this fella. The proceeds could go to paying for all the damage he’s done!”

  “Hmmgh. Not a bad idea, Ichsa-bod. It is so hard to get the required funding for our military branches.”

  “If you please, admiral, I would add, that you really should hurry, for if I am not mistaken, the Great ZodGila’s yellowy eyes are beginning to flicker and flutter with returning consciousness, hai?”

  “Holy reptile recoveries, Miss Rhianico, Ma’am, you’re right! ZodGila is waking up, y’all!”

  “Dear me, Mr. Temperance, will ZodGila’s restraints hold, do you think?”

  “I ain’t so sure they will, Ma’am. They seemed so strong and sturdy a moment ago, but now, with ZodGila starting to struggle, they ain’t looking nearly so unbreakable.”

  “Rarr...”

  “Rarr?”

  “Rarrr!!!”

  “Hai, watch out, Rhianico! The steel cables are snapping in all directions as ZodGila breaks free.”

  ~plinckety-planckety--ploink!~

  ~planckety-ploinkety-plinck!~

  ~ploinkety-plinckety, planckety-ploinkety!~

  ~plinckety-plankety-ploinkety-plinck!~

  “If you please, Jubei, ZodGila is snapping those heavy steel cables as if they were so many long-necked, big pegged, little wooden box ukulele strings. I am compelled to convey my feelings in this impromptu haiku:”

  “White flower bloom.”

  “ZodGila freedom unbound.”

  “Lilly put away.”

  “Harumph! The monster is rising! He shakes off his woven steel shroud! Beware! He draws a great breath into his lungs to voice his rage at our actions and to proclaim his indefeatable place in the World!”

  “Eee-Aye-rRoark!!!”

  “Hey there, Mr. Trevorgawa-San sir, are there any densely populated areas in that there direction ZodGila has tromped off in?”

  “Hai, Ichsa-bod, there is a city. It has over a million citizens!”

  “Over a million people in one city? That’s impossible, sir!”

  “No, Ichsa-bod, it is true. It once had the name, Edo, but now, a new modernized Japan has given this city a new name and made it the capitol for the entire country! This sparkling and modern jewel of a city is now known as, ToeKey-Oh!”

  ---

  “I have found a mode of transportation fast enough to get ahead of ZodGila, hai.”

  “Hi! That sure is a speedy looking scooter, Jubei! It has two wheels, but I don’t see no pedals! Is that some sort of electric dynamo that motorvates this inline cart? Those two wheels are hidden away behind highly stylized deflector shields that I assume are meant to fend off splattered mud and reduce the amount of air resistance to which the vehicle may be made subject. I reckon if somebody was running after you on that thing, if you were to engage your stoppers real hard, that your pursuer would run up and stab himself on the pointy fins sticking off the back, hunh?”

  “Hai, but no, Ichsa-bod. The futuristic looking fins are there to make the bike appear to go faster. This is a prototype design. Advanced electrical applications power this engineering marvel.”

  “My word, it will be a tad crowded, eh hem?”

  “I am sorry, Persephone, but there is only enough room for Ichsa-bod to accompany me. I feel it is imperative to keep Ichsa-bod in the fight, as the magical IndiGoGo Girls thought that he was a key to bringing the monster to a stop.”

  “Oh, pooh! I say, I do not care for you going on without me, Mr. Temperance.”

  “Mr. Trevorgawa-San is right, Miss Plumtartt. I need to be in there doing all I can to save ToeKey-Oh from getting ate up by that big ol’ ZodGila.”

  “Hai, hurry, Ichsa-bod, get aboard! We must move with the haste of eagles!”

  “My word, Jubei, wait! I insist on having just one more moment with my little hero. Come here, Mr. Temperance.”

  “Yes, Ma’am.”

  “Look here sir, I understand that you feel impelled to save the World, but I need some assurance that you are coming back safely to me!”

  “Oh, it’s all right, Miss Plumtartt, you know I always manage to muddle through one way or another. I’m sure everything is gonna work out okay, but, uh, if it’ll be of any comfort to you, here’s a little down payment on future installments.”

  “Mmmm!”

  “Harumph, just look at them, General Hiro Hisoscari! It is as if we are not here and they have been magically transported to another place and time by the intimate embrace the two lovers hold, harumph. Why, don’t look now, General, but it seems as if our own Jubei and Rhianico are also caught in full embrace and
affectionate kiss.”

  “Hmmgh. Hai, Admiral Misosouwa. The two pairs of lovers both feature their male counterparts bravely trying to comfort the feminine of the duos. Passions bloom with exuberance in the romantic displays as they share what could very well be their last embrace. There is very little likelihood that the boys will return.”

  “Ichsa-bod, come on! We have to go!”

  “Okay, Jubei, here I come! Good-bye everybody!”

  ~whirr-zzzzzzooooommmm!~

  “Just like that, they’re off, Gumibara. In a quickly disappearing cloud of dust, our protagonists have exited the scene.”

  “Those poor guys. Without you and me to help them, TiTaupKamaro, I have a terrible feeling that those two dudes are doomed.”

  ---

  “You sure did a good job of madcap and reckless abandon motorsickle chauffeuring to get us ahead of ZodGila, Jubei. It looks like we are going to get to ToeKey-Oh first.”

  “Hai, Ichsa-bod, but how can we warn the city?”

  “It’s too bad we don’t have a giant, electronically enhanced manner of addressing the whole city at once.”

  “Hai, that’s it! We do have such a thing! The ToeKey-Oh Broadcasting System is just what we need!”

  “You mean that music I hear? Yeah, I get it! It is being broadcast far and wide! It is coming from that mountainside there that overlooks the sprawling city of ToKey-Oh!”

  “Come on, Ichsa-bod, we’ll get the news out!”

  “That plinky dinky music is getting louder, Jubei.”

  “Hai, here we are at the broadcast station. The studio must be around back.”

  “What are those strange structures built on the mountainside? Struts and girders make up the framework of the four, tall, latticed towers. They support big, round hoops. These circular hoops are strung across with a thick, quilty fabric. A heavy disc of metal is set in the center of these quilt dressed hoops. By the look of the construction, I’d say those discs of metal are solid and really stout.”

  “Ah, here is the voice of ToeKey-Oh, Toshi Watusi.”

  “You mean that feller sitting in front of that metal stand with a bulbous, little colander on top? The guy with the four string guitar?”

  “Hai, that’s him! Let’s go!”

  ~plinckety-plink. plink.~

  ~plink, plink, plink~

  ~plincky-plincky-plinck~

  ~plinck, plinck, plinck~

  “Hey there all you crazy cats and kittens out there in the greater ToeKey-Oh basin. This next tune is being sent out to all the now crowd, happening, groovy kids out there, yeah! Don’t be squaresville kidlets, we are living in too hip of a town! All you swinging samurai boys, find a girl! All the sweet girly geisha girls find a guy! This ToeKey-Oh night is made for lovers, yeah, baby!”

  “Hey Toshi, we need to send out a message!”

  “What! Hey, you guys can’t be back here! This area is off limits! If you want to advertise on this broadcast, go through the sales department!”

  “We ain’t got time for all that, Mr. Watusi, we need to send out a message right now! Get out of the way!”

  “You must have flipped your lid, Daddy-Oh! Nobody gets near this super-horn!”

  “I am Super-Secret Agent Jubei Trevorgawa of His Emperor’s Secret Service! By my authority, get out of the way!”

  “Super-Secret Agent Jubei Trevorgawa? I’ve heard of you! But what if you are an imposter? Show me some identification, you possible phoney!”

  “We ain’t got time for this! Can’t you move Mr. Watusi in a more direct manner, Jubei?”

  “Hai, of course, Ichsa-bod.”

  “Get away from me, you oddly armoured intruder! You are going to be in so much...woah! Ow! Get your hands off of me! You can’t put a painful joint manipulation lock on me and then walk me away from the vocal intake transponder like you are doing! Now your low-brow American friend is touching the equipment! Now he is acting like he is going to get in the broadcast chair and speak on the airwaves!”

  “Okay, Jubei, I’m in position. As far as I can tell, this thing is now cranked up to its fullest broadcast capabilities. I have now thrown every acceleration relay and spun up all the dynamos. Warning lights are flashing and all the gauges are hard into the red zone. In fact, by all indications, this should be far beyond any safe, legal, or sane sound limits. Here I go!”

  “Eh, hem...”

  { { { Hellll-Ohhh! ! ! } } }

  { { { ToeKey-Oh! ! ! } } }

  { { { This is no. . . } } }

  { { { Cheap trick! ! ! } } }

  { { { ZodGila, } } }

  { { { approaches the city. } } }

  { { { Take shelter! } } }

  “Hai, very good, Ichsa-bod, however, since the general populace of ToeKey-Oh does not speak English, perhaps it would be better if I made the announcement.”

  “Yessir.”

  “You guys are in big trouble! Do you know who I am? I am the idol of every teenager in the range of my voice! You guys are like some kind of broadcast pirates! You g... Did you feel that? I felt the Earth shake. There it is again: one resounding Earth tremor after another. The Earth-shaking rumbles are growing with intensity. It is as if the ground were being pummeled by an impossibly huge weight. Now I can hear the approaching tread of trepidation! Oh, why does the sound grip my heart in an icy grip of nameless dread? Aieee! You guys were right! Look over there! It is a giant super-monster!”

  “Oh my goodness, Jubei, it’s ZodGila! He is here already! ToeKey-Oh will never evacuate in time! What can we do?”

  “Ichsa-bod, hurry and follow me back to the dyno-cycle!”

  “Yessir!”

  “Remove the port side stylish, aerodynamic foil stabilizer while I disengage the starboard side.”

  “Wow! I didn’t know these big, pointy, aerodynamic stabilizers pointing rearward from the dyno-cycle were removable! I just thought they looked good and made the scooter look like it was going faster! That’s pretty neat! Oh, I see, these are really a set of those air service corps devices.”

  “Hai, Ichsa-bod, Be sure it is strapped on as tightly as possible.”

  “Yessir, Mr. Trevorgawa, sir. They sure do have a lot of straps to ensure a snug fit, don’t they, sir?”

  “Hai, Ichsa-bod. Now, hurry, and follow me. We must quickly scale this broadcast tower.”

  “What for, sir?”

  “This will be our launching platform.”

  “Launching platform? … Oh. Um, are these things difficult to operate?”

  “Hai.”

  “Hi! Oh, well, I guess this will be kind of like learning to swim. Paw-Paw just chucked me out in the middle of the river, and I pretty much learned how to swim quick.”

  “Hai, this will be a similar experience, though it may be easier to liken it to a fledgling bird, leaving its nest.”

  “Yessir, I reckon that’ll be the more appropriate analogy. Well, here we are, on the top of this high, broadcast tower that soars into the air overlooking this wide, harbour basin. Wow, this tower’s height is a lot more impressive from up here than on the ground.”

  “Put on this leather helmet.”

  “Yessir.”

  “Now put on these goggles.”

  “What for?”

  “They complete the ensemble. Now, are you ready?”

  “To jump off this lofty tower and hope that this crazy winged contraption operates? I reckon I’m as ready as I’ll ever be. Let’s get her accomplished!”

  “Hai! Hadjame!”

  “Gulp! Geronimo!”

  “Quit thrashing about, Ichsa-bod, you are going to crash!”

  “Woah-I’m trying, sir. Man, you weren’t kidding about these things being difficult to operate! Okay, I got my steel framework leather wings deployed in time to keep from falling to my death, so all I need to do is get them to flapping and maybe I can regain some altitude. Hey do you hear that? Oh, it’s Toshi Watusi. He has resumed his broadcast.”

  ~whump, bump, bump.~

  ~buh, duh,
duh.~

  ~whump. bump. bump.~

  ~buh-duh-duh.~

  ~whump. bump. bump.~

  ~buh-duh-duh.~

  ~whump, bump, bump.~

  ~buh, duh, duh, whump.~

  ~wheer-rheel.~

  ~buh-duh-duh, whump.~

  ~wheer-rheel.~

  ~buh-duh-duh, whump.~

  ~wheer-rheel.~

  ~buh-duh-duh, whump.~

  ~wheer-rheel.~

  “Pointed teeth,”

  “ fill the grimace”

  “of his terrible smile,”

  “Our city is imperiled”

  “by an uber-crocodile.”

  ~whump. bump. bump.~

  “ZodGila!”

  ~whump, bump, bump~

  ~whump.~

  “He picks up a ship,”

  “and throws it back down,”

  “His roar rips the air”

  “with a terrible sound.”

  ~whump. bump. bump.~

  “ZodGila!”

  “Woah-------oah!”

  “Good-bye ToeKey-Oh!”

  “Crushed by ZodGila!”

  “Ooo, ooo, ooo, ooo!”

  “It’s time for us to blow!”

  “Everybody in ToeKey-Oh!”

  “Flee from ZodGila!”

  “Ooo, ooo, ooo, ooo!”

  ~buh-duh-duh, whump.~

  ~wheer-rheel~

  “History is indicative”

  “again and again,”

  “How nature points out”

  “the silliness of Man.”

  ~whump. bump. bump.~

  “ZodGila!”

  “Ooo, ooo, ooo, ooo!”

  “Hurry up, Ichsa-bod, ZodGila is on a terrible rampage! His initial approach brought him through an industrial district! He has stomped the storage silos into stacks of sticks. Buildings burst beneath his reptilian bunions! Long runs of modern, heavy wire fencing are entangled in his tri-toes.”

  “Okay, Jubei, I think I’m getting the hang of these air service wings. Hey, look at those high towers with the ropes run between them. Are those what I think they are?”

  “No Ichsa-bod, because you are probably thinking they are a clothesline for ZodGila’s laundry. In fact, they are high-tension, electricity wires! ToeKey-Oh is a very modern city! We have many electric devices throughout the city, thus we require these heavy, copper wires to convey the electricity to this side of the bay. There are two more hydro-electric generators on the other side of the ToeKey-Oh harbour.”