A Family Affair

by Amber Rochelle Gillet

  “Paula!” Uncle Gordie shuffled into the bar, howling my name above the noisy crowd and leaned into my stool to give me a big bear hug. He smelled like cigars and Brut.

  “Benny, get my niece a beer over here! What’ll you have, sweetheart?”

  As I looked up, I realized that Adonis’ twin brother, if he had one, was tending bar that night. I hadn’t even noticed him because I was too busy sizing up Mara for scoffing at my ensemble earlier and imagining the magnitude of fame I could claim if I put out a line of fashionable government uniforms.

  “Oh nothing Uncle Gordie, thanks though. My mother is expecting me for dinner.”

  “What are you, ten?” My uncle burst out in laughter at his own joke and before I could slink out of my chair and die under the foot rest, I noticed the beautiful bartender was staring at my meter maid hat. Quickly I pulled it off my head, only to find that the top of my hair stood on end from winter static.

  “Give me a pint; I don’t care what it is.” I tried to smooth my bushy disaster down as discreetly as possible.

  Gordie leaned in, “Benny, can you hand me that gift that I left with you earlier today?”

  He handed over a rectangular present about the size of a watch box except deeper, wrapped in shiny silver paper and topped with a red and green bow. Uncle Gordie pushed it toward my elbow as I lifted my glass and continued to sip away eagerly, hoping to enjoy as much of my free beer as possible. Then he rested his weight on the stool next to me.

  “This is for you. Don’t open it yet though.”

  Now I was confused. “Christmas isn’t for another month and besides, you haven’t given me a gift since we drew names at the family parties back in the nineties. And I am pretty sure that Aunt DeDe picked it out anyway, unless you had some kind of hidden talent for selecting the hottest Strawberry Shortcake dollhouse on the market.”

  He ignored my speculation and continued on. “It’s not a holiday gift. It’s a little something for the job I want you to do for me.”

  A job? I looked around the restaurant. It was mobbed but appeared to have sufficient staff to cover the guests. It was possible, though, that the kitchen did not. “I am not doing dishes during the busy season.” I pushed the mystery package back toward him.

  “Finish that beer and let’s go to my office, this is actually a private matter. Don’t forget the box.”

  After swallowing down as much as I could in one final gulp I grabbed my pathetic hat and smiled at Benny before leaving, making sure to give my best pissed off look to Mara on my way past. We climbed what seemed like 400 stairs before stepping through the doorway into room that was way larger than my much missed and overpriced studio. Two burgundy velvet couches faced each other with a cherry coffee table separating them. On the wall to the right, a 50” plasma TV hung over a large gas fireplace that my uncle turned on with a remote. Instantly the room glowed with warm light. At the opposite end was a massive desk with only a telephone on it. I wondered why someone needed such a big space to hold that one small item, then I remembered whose office it was. It was about the statement, not the practicality.

  “Have a seat.”

  He unlocked the top desk drawer and pulled out a white envelope, walked across the room and handed it to me before sitting on the opposite sofa and nodding as if to say, Go ahead, open it.

  Inside were four photos of a very attractive brunette with clear blue eyes and an hourglass figure. She appeared to be in her early twenties and was laughing as if she hadn’t a care in the world. I figured it must be because of her looks, anyone with that body can’t have too much to worry about.

  “Who is this?”

  “That is Mary Elizabeth, my mistress.”

  Now don’t get me wrong, my uncle was a good looking man in his day. Even now he carries a mature, attractive-in-an-older-gentleman-sort-of-way appearance. But…this girl was a knockout. I’m talking, like, the face of a supermodel and the body of a vixen.

  “Um, okay, how old is she?”

  “Twenty-four, but she’ll be twenty-five in May.” As if that made some sort of difference. He said it as though he was hoping to sign her up for Kindergarten and her birthday was five days short of the cutoff. By the way, Uncle Gordie is fifty-eight.

  “You’re married!”

  “So was your boyfriend, so what does that matter?”

  “The difference is that I didn’t know! What is Aunt DeDe going to say?”

  “Nothing, because there is no reason for her to find out. Now what I need from you is some detective work. You were obviously pretty good at getting to the bottom of your man’s mystery and I feel confident that if you hadn’t been emotionally involved, you might have handled yourself in a more professional manner.”

  He lifted a decanter filled with brandy from the crystal tray positioned in the center of the table that separated us and steadily filled an available tumbler to the brim. After kicking back his head to finish the amber colored drink, he extended his arm in my direction as if to offer me some. I declined and he leaned back into his seat as the cushions sank deep into the frame of the sofa. “I have a sneaking suspicion she is seeing someone else behind my back and I want you to find out.”

  “You want to know if you mistress is cheating on you while you are married to another woman?”

  “Exactly.”

  “Are you high? Really, Uncle Gordie, the only thing crazier than you asking me to stalk someone for you is that you don’t see how ridiculous all of this is. And what am I going to tell my mother? Wait, is this where the box comes in?”“

  “Yes. Open it. I think you’ll find I have been very generous in my compensation, especially considering that if she is seeing someone, it shouldn’t take you long to find out. I’m sure you’ll find the money is excessive compared to the effort you’ll have to put in.”

  I imagined Uncle Gordie offering Mary Elizabeth a similar box in this same setting, except telling her, I know I am double your age, but if you drop to your knees and take care of me, I’m sure you’ll find the compensation to your benefit. I mean really, how else would it have happened?

  “What if she is? You aren’t planning on hiring me to kill her too, are you?”

  “Just open the box!”

  I plucked off the festive bow and stuck it to the top of the coffee table, which set off a round of obscenities from my future employer.

  “Jesus, Paula! It’s freakin’ cherry!”

  After tearing away the paper and removing the cover, I saw a large stack of bills staring back at me, neatly wrapped in a purple bow. Purple was my favorite color, the man had no qualms about doing all he could to seal this deal. “How much is it?”

  “Seven thousand.”

  I’m pretty sure I saw Benjamin Franklin wink at me, as if he knew I couldn’t give him or the other sixty-nine bills underneath him back. My top lip quivered and I quickly stood up. I was positive I would pee myself from excitement and seeing how mad he got over the bow on the table, I figured he might take the money back and throw me out if I urinated on his couch.

  “And what do I have to do exactly?”

  “I’ll give you her home address and the name of the law firm she works for. She’s a paralegal. The office crowd comes in my restaurant on 45th Street every Friday night for drinks. That is how I met her. I just want you to keep tabs on her, specifically after work and on the weekends for a week or two, see if she has another interest that I should know about. And don’t worry about your mother. Tell her I offered you that dish washing job you were dreading and that you turned me down. We’ll never speak about this again, with the exception of whatever you find out, and for that I only want you to mail me a type-written letter that states yes or no and any details you might have. I want it written so that if anyone else saw it, they wouldn’t know what the hell it meant. Are we clear?”

  “I guess. Can you hook me up with the bartender?”

  “You ruined that chance when you showed up in that hideous outfit tonight. The only wa
y he is going to talk to you is if he wants to get out of a ticket. You’re such a pretty girl, why are you doing that job?”

  I rolled my eyes at him. “Now you sound like Alice. Alright, I’ll do it. Give me the information.”

  He wrote down Mary Elizabeth’s details on a piece of paper and slipped it into the envelope with the pictures. I took it out and handed him back the photographs.

  “Won’t you need those to make sure you have the right girl?”

  “Are you kidding me? She is so hot she’s practically on fire! I could spy her out of a crowd of a million and if things don’t start looking up for me, I may just ask her on a date myself.”

  “Yeah, there you go. Get arrested for stalking and then become a lesbian. You’re parents will be delighted.”

  I grabbed my hat, folded the paper and put it in the box with the money which I then zippered inside my coat pocket.

  “I’ll let myself out. Which restaurant do you want the letter mailed to?”

  “This one. Thanks, Sugar Plum.” He winked at me.

  “Yuck, can you stop that?”

  I turned and hurried down the stairs knowing I was already late for dinner with Alice. Tonight I would be taking a cab home.

  -4-

  I unlocked the back door and saw a plate covered in tinfoil sitting on the table at my usual spot. There was a note taped to the top of it and I knew before I even read it that Alice was definitely pissed off. Reluctantly I unfolded the delicate Morning Glory stationary:

  Miss Stone, since you cannot seem to present yourself, as requested, for the 6pm dinner I have worked so hard to prepare on your behalf I am leaving a copy of the set of rules that you agreed and signed off on upon moving back into my home. Please take the time to re-familiarize yourself with them, so that I will not be forced to take any further action outside of this simple reminder.

  My appetite was practically non-existent anyhow; the only thing I could think about was the box of money in my pocket, all seven thousand of it. I had decided on my way home that, since tomorrow was Saturday, I would renew my stalking skills by taking a ride with Mitexi past the mistress’ apartment building to get a feel for the area. Even if it meant putting up with Mitexi’s crazy driving.

  Prior to becoming Mrs. Phillip Scarborough, Mitexi had been a stenographer—it’s where she met her lawyer husband. He didn’t work for the same firm as the one Uncle Gordie had written down as Mary Elizabeth’s employer, but I was certain that with a little prying, she could get some details from him. There was a good chance he would have some kind of pertinent information.

  Not wanting my mother to remind me of the starving children that never get a healthy meal, never mind a hot one, I peeled back the cover off my plate and quietly put it in the microwave for four minutes. Next on my agenda was to head upstairs and throw on my favorite jalapeño pepper pajama pants, a sweatshirt, and the bear claw slippers that made this weather seem enjoyable, if such a thing was possible.

  I heard the soft voices coming from Alice’s TV set behind her closed bedroom door. There was no way she was sleeping because I had violated a meal rule in her house. Holing up in her room and ignoring me was her way of letting me know how mad she really was and I am positive it was way harder on her than me. Any other night she would be fussing over me the minute I stepped into the kitchen. It kind of made me feel bad, but what was I going to tell her? That Uncle Gordie has a mistress and he just paid me a pile of cash to stalk her? That’s the same criminal activity that landed me back in her house to start with. Still, I felt bad so I knocked on her door, hoping to extend a peace offering.

  “Hi, Mom. Can I come in?” With closed eyes, I cracked the door open just enough so that she could hear me, hoping to avoid a naked sighting or something worse. She sure seemed to spend a lot of time alone in there.

  “Of course, Paula. I’m not naked you know.” She spoke as if she read my mind.

  “Thanks for dinner. I’m sorry I missed eating with you. I called Uncle Gordie back and he had asked if I could come by the restaurant on Lafayette Street after work. If I had known it was going to run late, I would have called.”

  She ignored my excuse and got right to business. “Did I hear a car door slam before you came in? You aren’t taking rides from strangers are you? Do we have to have a talk about the dangers of accepting rides from people you don’t know? I am going to call your father in the morning and let him know you have completely lost all common sense. Maybe he can get through that pretty head of yours. You know, the one that wears that ridiculous meter maid hat.”

  “Mom! Just stop, I did not accept a ride from a stranger. I told Uncle Gordie that I was going to be late so he paid for a cab.” It wasn’t a total lie; he did pay for it, sort of.

  “Well, what did he want?”

  “To see if I was interested in doing some dish washing for extra money during the holidays. I told him I was all set.”

  “What?” Alice immediately sat upright. “That man has some nerve! Does he think you are some kind of immigrant? I have no idea what DeDe ever saw in that man. Money can only get you so far and his bedroom performance cannot possibly be that good.”

  “Oh, please stop, please. I don’t want to hear that.” But I did wonder, was it? Mary Elizabeth was really something. Was it possible that old Uncle Gordie had charmed her pants off, literally?

  “Well, I am just saying. Did you eat?”

  “It’s in the microwave now. I’m going to change first. I need to call Mitexi, too, and see what she is up to. I haven’t talked to her in a few days.”

  “Alright, dear, but lights out by eleven. This isn’t a frat house, you know.”

  “You mean sorority house.”

  “What?”

  “Never mind.”

  “Well, whatever you want to call it, we don’t need the neighbors talking.”

  “God forbid someone might have stayed up to read a book, right? Do you think they would call the cops if they saw a light on after midnight?”

  Alice was getting fired up; she flipped the paisley duvet cover off of her legs in an unspoken attempt to make me fear her getting out of bed. “Paula Kristine Stone! You listen to me! If someone did call the police and you answered the door, they would certainly think you were up to no good, especially with your history and I don’t need that kind of attention on my house! Things have finally just settled down and here you go with your wise cracks!”

  “Okay, Alice, okay, just calm down. Lights out at eleven, I promise.” I pulled the door closed to avoid answering to her next rant, but she was still going on from the other side. When I was younger and got up for school, I often wondered why my dad was sleeping on the couch. Now it was clear to me.

  After changing my clothes, I retrieved my plate from the microwave and quietly climbed the stairs, closing my bedroom door softly behind me. If Alice knew I was eating in my room, she was sure to call our preacher on me to get to the root of my evil ways.

  I dialed my pink phone, the one that matched the rosebud wallpaper and ruffled comforter on my bed. This antique was definitely one of the few left in country that actually had a cord attached to it and a rotary setting. Mitexi answered on the second ring.

  “Hello?”

  “Hey, it’s me. Is this too late?”

  “Not at all. I can’t sleep. If I lay down, I have enough heartburn to show up a dragon, and if I stand up, my bladder feels like a water balloon that has met its limit. What are you doing? Does Alice know you are on the phone at this hour?” She laughed at her own joke.

  “Very funny, and no she doesn’t. I am also eating in my room. What do you think of that?”

  “I think if you get caught, you are going to be the only thirty-one year old I know to be grounded.”

  “You have a very valid point. So listen to this, my Uncle Gordie…”

  “The rich one who owns all those restaurants?”

  “Yeah him.” I rolled a fork in the angel hair pasta, poked a chicken medallion an
d stuffed it into my mouth before continuing. “So, he calls my house a bunch of times yesterday and when I finally get in touch with him he says he has a private matter he wants to discuss with me. Long story short, he has himself a mistress and he was so impressed with the stalking skills we used on Perry, that he gave me seven thousand dollars to see if she is cheating on him.”

  “Get the fuck out of here!” Mitexi covered the receiver with her hand and I heard her whisper sorry, mom before returning. Her mother hated foul language. She and Alice had so much in common. “So, wait, he wants to know if his girlfriend is cheating on him while he is married? Isn’t that Aunt DeDe’s husband?”

  “Yup and yup.” I crammed another pile into my pie hole and a dribble of olive oil escaped, landing on the soft pillow sham, worn from years of wash. “Oh shit, I just spilled oil on my pillow case. I have to go and get this soaking before I am banned from the house tomorrow. So, do you want to come with me? Let’s go get some breakfast tomorrow and do a few walk-bys. Wait, can you even do that?”

  “I wouldn’t miss this for anything. Besides my doctor says more exercise will help encourage labor. I can’t think of a better way to do it.”

  “One more thing, she works as a paralegal for Stein, Hammerson and Mulligan. Her name is Mary Elizabeth Andreotti. Do you think Phillip knows anyone over there?”

  “I’ll check, but I’ll have to be discreet. He was not too pleased about our last adventure. Although he hasn’t had sex in so long, if I dangle a little bribe in front of him, he’ll talk like a hostage. What time do you want me to pick you up? We’ll just leave the car where we eat and go from there.”