What You Become

by C. J. Flood

  I ducked out of the way of the window feeling like I was going to puke from nerves. I was desperate to talk to Ti, but I wasn’t prepared for her sister. How could I explain what had happened in town with her waving her cigarette around and judging me?

  Live true, I reminded myself.

  Wimping out of confrontation was what had got me and Ti to this point in the first place.

  Downstairs, the living room glowed green from the light of the DVD player. 00:31. This was a second chance, and I wouldn’t desert Ti again, no matter what Ophelia said or how poisonous her eyes turned.

  ‘Ti,’ I said, opening the door, my voice full of relief.

  ‘Hi,’ she said, and she sounded cold and unlike herself.

  ‘I didn’t think you’d want to see me.’ I spoke quietly, but Ophelia was close enough to hear everything.

  ‘She didn’t, but she needs a favour,’ she said, chucking her cigarette end on the drive. How could Ti stand to spend so much time with her? She had no manners at all, that was the problem. Getting to know Kiaru and Alisha had made that evident.

  ‘Can I borrow your camera?’ Ti said. No please at the end of her request. She seemed tense, not like herself.

  ‘What’s going on?’

  ‘Don’t pretend you don’t know,’ Ophelia said, like a psychotic, paranoid person. Her hair was down and she wouldn’t leave it alone, pulling it first over one shoulder, and then flicking it to rest across her back. She wiped at the strands that the breeze blew across her forehead, and fixed me with a death stare. ‘Everyone knows.’

  I looked to Ti.

  ‘Chase and Will,’ she whispered. ‘Someone told Phe they meet on Saturday nights. She wants evidence.’

  ‘I want to send her to prison,’ Ophelia corrected, twisting her hair into a rope. She had begun circling the drive, and it was unnerving. Her attention when it came, was intense, like a spotlight, and I shook my head automatically when she asked if I’d noticed anything at school, relieved that Ti hadn’t mentioned what I’d written in my email. I didn’t want to be responsible for whatever this was.

  ‘I don’t believe you,’ Ophelia said. ‘You’re just too weak to speak up. It makes perfect sense. Getting me out of school. Lying about Ti. She’s hiding something. Something big . . .’

  Ti looked nervous, and it was clear she wasn’t comfortable with this either.

  ‘Is she okay?’ I whispered as Ophelia circled to the far end of the drive.

  ‘What do you think?’ Ti said, irritated, but with me or Ophelia I couldn’t tell.

  ‘Listen Ti, I’m so sorry about today – did you read my emails? I want to make it up to you, I—’

  ‘Rosie, I don’t care about that. I just need your camera. Please. She’s driving me insane.’

  She stuck her hand out like she was waiting for change from a shop assistant that had accused her of stealing, and in this stance, with only the distant street light, she looked so like her sister it was uncanny.

  ‘Ti, you’ve got to be careful.’

  ‘I’m just helping Phe out. We’re not going to get caught.’

  I looked towards her sister, who had taken a break from circling, to kick the wall at the end of my drive and light a fresh cigarette.

  ‘Can’t you just—’

  ‘You said you wanted to make it up to me.’

  So she had read the emails!

  ‘And I do, but this is a stupid idea. Ophelia could go to prison.’

  ‘She won’t even be in the garden.’

  ‘Oh.’

  ‘She’s gonna wait somewhere else.’

  ‘Please, Ti. I’m so sorry about earlier. It wasn’t how it looked.’

  ‘Rosie! I haven’t got time for all that now. I need to prove her wrong or she’s never going to stop. Seriously. Can you just get your camera?’

  ‘Only if I can come with you,’ I said, surprising myself. I couldn’t bear the way she was cold-shouldering me, though I knew I deserved it.

  ‘What, don’t you trust me with it?’

  ‘Course. But I know it better than you. It’ll be hard to get a shot in the dark; you’ll need a long exposure, so it’ll have to be somewhere steady—’

  ‘I’ll put it on automatic.’

  ‘It’s not as reliable at night. You don’t want to mess it up.’

  ‘Can I not just borrow it?’

  ‘Yeah, you can. Course you can, but you’ll have a better chance if I take the photo. She wants proof, right?’

  Ti rolled her eyes, and taking that as permission I crept upstairs to put on my blacks.

  Twenty-one

  The thrill of roaming empty streets in the dark was absent with Ti ignoring me the way she was. I’d killed the nightwanderers. I’d ruined our only way of escaping the world, and I’d ruined it for both of us. I wanted us to slip into our old ways, for her to make me laugh, and tell me secrets. I wanted her to bring out my brave side, and make me feel like rules didn’t matter, but she only walked beside me, refusing to talk. Ophelia strutted ahead.

  ‘Don’t pretend you care about my sister,’ she said when I asked who had said Chase and Will met like this, and I stopped walking.

  ‘It isn’t that I don’t care. Ti, come on. You must know it isn’t that.’

  Ti kept on, and I had to run a few steps to catch up with her.

  ‘You don’t need to explain anything, Rosie, it doesn’t matter. We’ve grown apart – it happens – don’t worry so much.’

  ‘It does matter. And I want to explain . . . I feel terrible about how I’ve neglected you.’

  ‘I’m not an effing dog.’

  ‘No, but—’

  ‘Seriously, Rosie, don’t worry about it. We used to have stuff in common and now we don’t. You’ve found new people, it’s fine. I’m sure I’ll make some friends too soon enough. Anyway, I’ve got Ophelia. It’s fine.’

  ‘I just want to explain properly, that’s all, I’ve been feeling so bad—’

  ‘Oh, Rosie, you’re so self-involved,’ Ti said, and she sounded sad, which surprised me so much that I shut up. But I couldn’t walk beside her silent. I didn’t know how.

  ‘So much has been happening, Ti, and I’ve got a lot of things wrong, but you’re my best friend.’

  Ti snorted.

  ‘You are!’

  I’d have to show that I meant what I said. My words had stopped meaning anything to her.

  I took photos of Ophelia up ahead in her jeggings and hoody to distract myself from the wretched feeling. She moved like she was famous – the way she held her cigarette, the way she used her hips – I turned to snap Ti against the backdrop of the little bungalows we were passing, and she curled her lip at me.

  ‘You know I hate having my picture taken,’ she said, and I turned the camera on myself, stared at the lens gloomily, wondering if a human face was even capable of expressing the misery I felt.

  Ophelia was in such a foul mood I wondered why she’d bothered coming with us, and then she left us at the end of Castle Road.

  ‘She’s going to check on Will. She’s already called the house about eight times. I hope he is over at Chase’s house. At least she’ll snap out of it.’

  It was a bit better with only the two of us, and Ti relaxed a little. I told her more about Mum’s diagnosis, and how Joey was.

  ‘I miss him,’ she admitted.

  ‘He misses you too. You were in one of his pictures the other day. In a spaceship, I think. No, a submarine.’

  Ti smiled, and for the billionth time in my life I thanked the universe for my little brother.

  Chase’s house was almost upon us, and I couldn’t believe I was here again. As I held the loose fence panel open for Ti, I saw her teeth gleam in the moonlight. She was smiling wide.

  The fence smelled of that varnish men cover it with in the summer, and I realized I’d never seen a woman painting a fence, and swore to paint one when I was older. Wood splintered off as we scraped through into Chase’s garden, and it was so easy t
hat I began to relax.

  Ti would be careful this time; she had too much to lose. And I would wait with her until the very end. No matter what.

  The grass was long and wet underfoot, and I wondered if that meant Chase lived on her own or if she was just too obsessed with rehearsals to maintain the lawn right now. I pushed thoughts of expulsion to the back of my mind. Ti wouldn’t go so close to the house again. She wasn’t stupid.

  A cold wind nipped our ears as we confronted Chase’s house from the back of her lawn. It was hard to see how we’d get a clear photo without being seen ourselves. A half moon threw out silvery blue light. If the blinds were lifted, we would be seen.

  ‘We need to knock,’ Ti said, heading towards the house. ‘Or we’ll never get a shot.’

  Maybe she was stupid.

  ‘Wait!’ I hissed. ‘You can’t knock there. They’ll know someone’s broken into the garden if you do that.’

  Ti stopped in her tracks. ‘You’re right. Let’s throw a stone instead,’ she said, heading back to the rockery and crouching down to search for one.

  ‘A small one.’

  ‘Duh. Obviously. ’Kay, I’ll throw, you shoot.’

  Finding a rock, she pulled her arm back.

  ‘Wait, wait, wait, wait, wait. I need to sort the flash and find a stable place for the camera. It needs a long exposure. And we need to be better hidden . . .’

  Why was I even here? Why couldn’t I say no to Ti, with her silly ideas, still?

  She stuck a branch in the neck of her T-shirt, like a marine, she said, leaves waving in front of her nose, and I felt a rush of love for her.

  I looked around for somewhere that offered cover and a flat spot to rest the camera, somewhere that wouldn’t obstruct the lens. The feeling in my stomach was closer to fear than excitement, and Mum’s pale face flickered into view, but I focused my attention on getting the set-up just right. Ti had to see that she didn’t only have her sister: she had me too.

  My blood pumping was making things warp. I shook my head to clear it.

  ‘Ready?’ she said, and we stared at each other. Me holding out my camera, submerged in a rosemary bush, her clasping a rock with twigs dangling in front of her face.

  ‘Ready,’ I said, and then the fence panel creaked, and Ti and me gripped each other in fear. Ophelia hauled herself through the narrow space, and my stomach turned at the sight of her wild expression.

  ‘Dirty little prick!’ she shouted, launching her arm back, and before I knew what was happening, there was a loud smash and the front downstairs window shattered.

  The floral blind whipped up and Chase appeared. And she wasn’t alone.

  Twenty-two

  Chase and Kes, backlit and horrified, stared into the garden, framed by jagged glass.

  Shoving Ophelia out of the way, I rushed from my hiding place and through the loose fence panel, down next door’s drive. I wanted to be on tarmac, far away from anyone’s garden forever except my own, and Ti was right behind me.

  Ophelia was a maniac, now at last Ti could see, so why was she slowing down?

  ‘Wait! Wait! Please, Rosie. I’m scared. She’s lost it. Did you see her face? I’ve had to sleep in her bed every night this week. There’s something wrong with her. There’s something really wrong with her.’

  Ti ducked behind a van and she looked so panicked I couldn’t leave.

  ‘This is it,’ she said. ‘She’s going down.’ She rubbed her face, and I crouched beside her, and squeezed her to me. ‘She won’t come back from this.’

  ‘She’ll be fine. She’s always fine. Just wait.’

  Ti was breathing loudly. ‘Not this time. It’s too much. If Chase calls the police . . . she’s already had a warning. God, she couldn’t handle prison, Rosie; she’s not strong enough.’

  ‘She’ll be all right,’ I said, and then I realized I didn’t have my camera. ‘Shit!’

  ‘I know, where is she?’

  ‘No, I left my camera.’

  ‘You didn’t.’

  ‘So, we’re definitely caught,’ I said. ‘Your bloody sister.’

  ‘She might have got away.’

  ‘Why do you let her talk you into these things? And why do I let you talk me into them?’

  ‘I didn’t ask you to come. I was just trying to help her. You were the one that—’

  ‘Oh my god,’ I said, walking out from where we were hidden. In a house across the road a dog started up yapping and the hairs on the back of my neck stood on end, because it was really dawning on me. ‘You’re never going to learn, are you?’

  ‘She’s my sister, Rosie. What am I supposed to do?’ Ti stepped from foot to foot, peering into the distance towards Chase’s house.

  ‘You’re not helping her, you know. You think you are, but you’re not.’

  She turned to me like she was about to get angry, but a car was coming, and so she ducked back behind the van instead. I joined her, and we crouched as a black BMW crawled by.

  ‘I’m going back.’

  ‘Don’t be an idiot, Ti. Leave her. If she’s caught, it’s her own dumb fault, and there’s nothing you can do. Maybe she needs to be sent down, before she gets any worse.’

  But Ti was already heading back towards the house.

  ‘What are you going to do to help? Offer yourself up as well? Swap places with her? Jesus!’

  ‘I just need to make sure she’s all right.’

  ‘What do you think you’re going to achieve?’

  I grabbed at her hands, but she wouldn’t stop. ‘I’m going home, Ti, and you should go too. You’re stupid if you think you’re helping.’

  ‘You’re stupid if you think I have a choice. She’s my sister, Rosie. My twin sister. Imagine if it was Joey.’

  ‘Joey’s a good person.’

  ‘Piss off, Rosie, Joey’s eight years old. He hasn’t even got pubes. Imagine he was fifteen, the same age as you, same height. That you’d known him since before you were born. Oh, what’s the point? Go home. You can’t understand. No one can.’

  She was right. I couldn’t understand and I was tired of trying.

  ‘I don’t need you pretending to be my friend because you feel guilty.’

  ‘What? As if . . . Come on, Ti . . .’

  ‘I mean it, Rosie. You don’t need to feel bad for me any more.’

  Ti kept walking, back in the direction she should have been running from, and it was so frustrating that I had to pull at the roots of my hair just to release some of the pressure.

  ‘Fine. You’re on your own,’ I called after her. ‘Just you and your crazy sister. See where it gets you. Maybe you can share a cell in prison.’

  Ti stuck her finger up, without looking back.

  She didn’t care what I thought or said. She was on automatic, chasing after her sister like always, no matter how much trouble it meant.

  Twenty-three

  ‘Not you, Rosie,’ Chase said, as I filed out the class with Alisha and Kiaru. It was the end of Drama the following Monday, and I’d been having palpitations since Saturday night. I hadn’t heard from Ti and I was determined not to care. I couldn’t even think of Ophelia without getting seriously angry. Kiaru and Alisha looked scared for me, and my throat constricted. Here it came.

  Charlie smirked as she left the classroom, lagging behind to see if she could glean a bit of gossip.

  ‘Close the door, please, Charlie,’ Chase said firmly. Her red hair was twisted into pin curls, and she looked stylish as ever, in a green polka dot tea dress. She was neatening a pile of worksheets, a delay tactic, and I prayed the moment of calm would last forever.

  ‘Yes, Ms,’ Charlie sang as she shut the door. I heard her musical laughter ring out in the hall.

  Chase’s eyes met mine. Blue and precise. There was no escaping. She had never paid me such attention before, and I shivered.

  ‘This weekend,’ she said. ‘What happened?’

  I swallowed instead of speaking.

  ‘You were in my
garden,’ she continued, but something about the way she said it made me think she wasn’t certain.

  ‘Sorry?’ I said, imagining I was Alisha or Ava, very confident and together, and perfectly polite.

  ‘Stop it,’ she snapped. ‘You’re still close with Titania, and for some reason I can’t guess – believe me I’ve spent the weekend trying – you were in my garden on Saturday night.’

  I made my face blank.

  ‘Trespassing is a serious issue, Rosie, I’m not sure if you realize. Titania was very nearly arrested. Again.’

  ‘What happened?’ I said, and Ms Chase narrowed her eyes, refusing to indulge what she clearly saw as my pretence of innocence. I almost owned up, just to find out what had happened to Ti. Had she gone back and knocked on Chase’s door? I hadn’t contacted Ti. Maybe I never would again. Maybe she was right, and we really had grown apart.

  ‘It’s a criminal offence, trespassing – do you even realize that? Listen to me, Rosie. I’m trying to help you.’

  She let a big breath out, and looked at me in that searching way adults try when they aren’t sure whether you can understand or not. When they aren’t sure what approach to try next.

  ‘I don’t know what’s going on with the pair of you, but it isn’t going to end well, and you really need to get yourself out of it. Titania wasn’t a good student, and neither was her sister, and I know she’s angry, but she, they, need to let this, this thing – whatever it is – go.

  ‘I don’t know if it’s a game or a dare or what, but I can’t stand any more of it, and they’re going to get into grave trouble if they carry on. I’m this close to getting an injunction against her. Ophelia’s sneaky, I can’t pin it on her, but Ti got caught again. I could pin her, easy. Do you want to visit Titania in a juvenile-delinquency centre? Because if you don’t, I recommend you say something soon.

  ‘I mean it, Rosie. If you have any influence over Titania at all, at all, you’ve got to try to make her see sense. This “beef” – whatever it is – has to stop. Do you understand?’

  Chase seemed shaken and I wondered if she was putting it on, because how scary was it, really? Having your window smashed by teenage girls?

  ‘Maybe it’s the naughty kids at The Bridge, having a bad influence on her,’ I said quietly, and Chase’s eyes flashed on to mine.