The Affair of the Mutilated Mink

by James Anderson

  'Heck, yes. That was nothing. We've both apologised and shaken hands. He even borrowed two hundred pounds from me, though I don't know what he wanted it for. He's quite enthusiastic about the story idea; particularly as he's gotten a sort of personal interest in it, as you have, too, Gerry.'

  'Me? What is the story?'

  Hugh said, 'Good heavens, it's not a murder mystery based on this weekend?'

  'Not likely! Who'd believe it? No, I'm going to make a movie called The Adventures of Aylwin Saunders. And I've an old rival and buddy of mine in mind for the lead. I hear he's thinking of changing studios.'

  Gerry whispered, 'Not — not . . . ?'

  'Yes,' Rex said. 'Errol Flynn. Who else?'

  * * *

  'Gower?' said the Earl. 'Yes, know him slightly. Eccentric, naturally, like all Welshmen. Collects coins. And he fanatical it seems. Can't see the appeal myself. And he gets these old crazes for things, jazz or breeding rabbits or something. They never last, apparently. Strange way to behave. Vague sort of fellow, too, terribly absentminded. Nice chap, though. Very amiable. Fine old family, of course.'

  'So you approve, George? And you won't put any obstacles in their way?'

  'Whose way?'

  'Geraldine and Hugh.'

  'Oh, no, course not. When did I ever put an obstacle in anyone's way? Gerry'll get engaged to whomever she wants, whatever I say. But I suppose she could have done worse. He can be an arrogant young puppy, but he's shown he's made of the right stuff. Only trouble is, I fancy he'll actually expect to marry her.'

  'What on earth do you mean? Of course he expects to marry her.'

  'She assured me that wasn't the idea at all. Still, if I give him my permission to do either or both, that'll be all right, won't it?'

  'I don't know what you're talking about, George.'

  At that moment there came a tap on the door.

  'Oh, he's a little soon,' Lady Burford said. 'I'll leave you.' She crossed to the door and opened it to find not Hugh, but Cyrus Haggermeir, on the other side. She said, 'Oh.'

  'Sorry to interrupt, ma'am. Just wanted to say I'll be leaving shortly. Can I have a word first?'

  The Earl raised his eyebrows. 'Yes, of course. Come in.'

  Haggermeir did so, closing the door behind him. He said, 'I owe you both an apology.'

  'Yes, you do,' Lady Burford said.

  'Well, I make it here and now. I behaved badly. I admit it freely. And that's something Cyrus Haggermeir don't often do. I hope you'll accept the apology.'

  The Earl cleared his throat. 'Well, that's very handsome. We'll say no more about it. Er, bon voyage and all that.'

  'Thanks. But there's more. I ain't quite given up. I just been having a word with your butler.'

  'With Merryweather?' the Countess said, surprised.

  'Yeah. Told him I had reason to believe there may be something in this house that once belonged to my grandmother. I described the casket, told him that you knew nothing about it, but you'd said that if it is here I'd be more than welcome to it. I told him to put it round among the servants that there's a two hundred pound reward for anyone who finds it and brings it to me - either here and now or at my hotel. I'll be staying on a couple more weeks in England. I figured one of them might just have seen it around. Wanted to put you in the picture.'

  The Earl said dryly, 'Suppose I offer four hundred to anyone who brings it to me?'

  'Don't reckon you'd do that, Earl, not after the Countess said I could have it. Wouldn't be exactly, er, cricket, would it?'

  'I'm not so sure I'd worry about that if I stood to lose the Earldom. However, I'm pretty confident I won't have to.' He chuckled.

  Just then the door opened. It was Merryweather. He advanced towards them, bearing a silver salver. He said, 'Excuse me, my lady.'

  Then they saw that resting on the salver was a small wooden box, brightly painted with an intricate design of Chinese dragons. It was about six inches by five, and four inches deep.

  'Would this be the object you wanted, sir?' said Merryweather.

  Haggermeir gave a cry of disbelief and sprang towards him. He snatched up the casket and turned it between his fingers. He whispered: 'It must be! It must be!' He opened the box and started desperately probing at the interior. The Earl and Countess watched with bated breath.

  But nothing happened. Haggermeir started muttering angrily to himself. Then Merryweather gave a discreet cough.

  'Might this be what you are searching for, sir? It was concealed in the false bottom.'

  He took from his pocket a folded sheet of ancient, yellowed paper, which he handed to Haggermeir.

  Haggermeir gave a strangled gasp. With shaking fingers he unfolded the paper. For a moment he stood perfectly still, his eyes scanning it. Then he suddenly gave vent to a deafening howl.

  'Yippee!'

  His face alight with triumph, he brandished the paper. 'Got it, got it, got it! I was right!'

  Lord Burford gave a gulp. 'That - that's it?'

  'You bet your sweet life it is, Earl. Marriage licence: Aylwin Saunders to Martha Haggermeir, officiating minister Rev. P. Jones, solemnised at the Baptist Church of Last Straw, Calif., date 8th April, 1851. Take a look.'

  He held it out for them to see. The Earl and Countess stared at it. Everything Haggermeir had read out was correct.

  Lady Burford looked at her husband. 'George, what does it mean? Can it mean that - that . . . ?'

  The Earl sat down, a dazed expression on his face. 'I don't know, my dear. It certainly seems that my grandfather's marriage to my grandmother in 1852 was bigamous, and Haggermeir's father was Aylwin's eldest legitimate son and automatically succeeded to the Earldom. That means my father should never have had the title, and neither should I.'

  Haggermeir nodded. 'That's about the size of it. Look, I know it's hard on you, but you gotta see the justice of it.'

  'But George, surely you're not just going to accept this lying down?' Lady Burford was pale. 'You're going to fight?'

  'Well, of course I'll see my solicitor. I honestly don't know what the legal position is, or who decides things like this. Heralds' College? The Courts? I should imagine it's a pretty well unique situation. Of course I'll fight, if I'm told there's a chance.'

  'Earl,' Haggermeir said, 'that's exactly what I'd expect you to say. It's what I'd say in your position. But do we have to fight?'

  'You're suggesting we should just hand over everything to you and impoverish ourselves completely?' The Countess had regained a little colour and there was a gleam of battle in her eye.

  Haggermeir gave a snort. 'I don't want to impoverish you!'

  Lord Burford glanced at him sharply. 'You don't?'

  'Heck, no! I don't want your money or your estates. Or your London house. Why should I? I got millions. I only want two things. Now, can't we come to an amicable agreement? If we fight it through the courts it could drag on for years and cost us both a fortune. Why make the lawyers rich?'

  'Just what are the two things you want?' Lady Burford asked him grimly.

  'First, the title. I wanta be the Earl of Burford. Can't you just see it: The Lord Burford Picture Corporation? And on the movie credits: produced by Lord Burford? That'd make Goldwyn and Warner and the other sit up, eh? Guess I'd have to give up my American citizenship, become a naturalised Britisher. Or perhaps I am legally British already. That's a minor point, though. Anyway, what about it?'

  The Earl rubbed his chin. 'Well, I daresay I could live without a title. Wouldn't make any difference to Gerry. Looks as if she's going to be Marchioness of Gower one day, anyway.'

  'George, you can't just give away a title!' the Countess exclaimed.

  Haggermeir said, 'But, Earl, if you stood up and admitted I was the rightful holder of it and you didn't want it, that'd be bound to make a difference.'

  'I - I suppose it might,' the Earl said unhappily.

  His wife was gazing at him in disbelief. 'George, you wouldn't do such a thing!'

  'I do
n't know, Lavinia. Perhaps it would be the right thing to do, if Haggermeir's got justice on his side. I don't want to hang on to something that's not rightfully mine. Do you?'

  Lady Burford didn't answer. She sat down very slowly beside her husband.

  Haggermeir turned away and noticed that Merryweather was still present, his face as impassive as ever.

  'Say, I was nearly forgetting.' He reached into his hip pocket, took out a thick wad of banknotes, and handed it to Merryweather. 'Here you are, pal. You sure earned this.'

  'I am obliged, sir.' The money disappeared in a flash into Merryweather's waistcoat pocket.

  The Earl regarded his butler sadly. 'Oh, Merryweather, what have you done to us?'

  'I am exceedingly sorry, my lord. I did not realise until minutes ago just what the situation was. I would, of course, deeply regret causing the family any inconvenience.'

  He bowed and silently melted from the room.

  The Countess looked at Haggermeir. 'What was the second thing you wanted?'

  Haggermeir took a deep breath. 'Alderley.'

  The Earl and Countess looked blank. Lord Burford said, 'But you said you didn't want the estate.'

  'I don't. Just the house. I aim to take it down brick by brick, ship it across the Atlantic, and rebuild it in Beverly Hills.'

  Haggermeir's words seemed to strike both Lord and Lady Burford totally dumb. They sat motionless, their faces masks of utter horror.

  Haggermeir went on hurriedly. 'It's technically feasible, I've checked into it. And I wouldn't leave you without a house here. I'd build you a swell modern one on the same site, all electric, air-conditioned, with a pool - everything. No one can say I'm not generous. Now, Earl, this isn't something the law would have to decide. The house is yours to do what you like with. So, whaddaya say?'

  'Never!' Lord Burford jumped to his feet, his face red. 'You must be mad if you think I'd let you do such a thing. I'd sooner lose everything else than let Alderley be taken away. Good gad, it's been here nearly three hundred years. What you're suggesting would be vandalism.'

  Lady Burford was staring at him in admiration. 'George, I never knew you cared so much.'

  'May not talk about it much, Lavinia but I care!'

  Haggermeir's face had hardened. 'Get this, Earl. I've been pretty easy in my demands so far. I was prepared to let you off light. But force me to go to the law and I'll go for everything: the title, the estates, everything you inherited. I'll ruin you.'

  The Earl took a deep breath. 'Then you'd better try. If we lose everything, so be it. At least we'll go down fighting.'

  Haggermeir shrugged. 'Sorry you're taking it like, this, Earl. It's not the way I wanted it.'

  The silence that followed this was broken by the return of Merryweather. 'Excuse me, my lord,' he said, 'but I wonder if your lordship would care to look at this?' He held out his salver, which bore a folded piece of paper.

  The Earl waved him away. 'Not now, Merryweather. I haven't time.'

  'With great respect, I do urge that your lordship find time.'

  The Earl snatched the paper up irritably. 'What is it?'

  'If you will read it, my lord.'

  The Earl unfolded the paper and glanced cursorily at it. His eyebrows went up. 'It's a marriage certificate. What the deuce? Gretna Green? Good gad!'

  Lady Burford asked sharply: 'What's the matter, George?'

  'It says 'Aylwin Saunders to Mary Carruthers.' I don't understand. They were married here at the parish church.'

  Merryweather said softly, 'May I suggest you look at the date on the certificate, my lord?'

  'Date? Where? Good heavens! It says 1839.'

  'Let me see that!' Haggermeir stepped to the Earl's side and stared at the paper in his hand.

  Lord Burford looked up blankly. 'Merryweather, I don't understand.'

  'I can explain, my lord. The accepted story of the elopement of your lordship's grandfather is incorrect in one particular. When the young couple were found by their fathers, they were not still on their way to Scotland, but on their way back. They had reached Gretna Green and had been married. But Lady Mary was so nervous at the thought of her parents' reaction that she persuaded her husband to say nothing about it. However, the fact remains that when your lordship's grandfather went to America he was already legally married. His so-called marriage to Miss Haggermeir was bigamous, and the issue of it illegitimate. The later marriage ceremony he went through with Lady Mary in 1852 was in law quite superfluous.'

  A look of delighted disbelief had come over the Earl's face 'So, my father was the rightful heir, all along?'

  'Indubitably, my lord.'

  It was now Haggermeir who, pale-faced, sat down suddenly in the nearest chair. He muttered, 'All these years . . . all these years . . .'

  Lady Burford was on her feet again. With a surreptitious movement she dashed what looked suspiciously like a tear from her face. There was the merest catch in her voice when she said, 'We - we are really most grateful, Merryweather, most grateful. But you must explain how on earth you know all this, and where you obtained those certificates.'

  Before Merryweather could reply, however, there was an interruption. A strange sound filled the room, a rumbling, gurgling sound as of a subterranean river. It was a noise that had not been heard anywhere for many years. Cyrus Haggermeir was laughing.

  'My dear chap,' Lord Burford said, 'are you all right?'

  Haggermeir nodded. He seemed to have difficulty in speaking. At last he said, 'Just seen the funny side of it. Grandma married to a bigamist! Thank heavens she never knew.'

  The Countess said, 'But this means you've lost. Don't you mind?'

  Haggermeir wiped his eyes with his handkerchief. 'Reckon not.' He sounded quite surprised. 'Not now I know the truth. It was the thought that I'd been cheated out of what was rightfully mine that riled me. But now I know I wasn't. So it don't hurt any more. In fact, guess I'm kind of relieved. Didn't really want to give up my American citizenship, whatever I said.'

  'Well, I must say, it shows a fine sportin' spirit,' the Earl said. He stuck out his hand. 'Will you shake, cousin?'

  'Sure.' They shook hands.

  'Don't ever let me hear anyone say Americans are poor losers,' Lord Burford said.

  Haggermeir grinned. 'Maybe it's true as a rule. You see, we don't get a lot of practice at it.' He looked at Merryweather. 'Lady Burford asked you a question. I'd sure as eggs like to know the answer, too.'

  'Both those documents and the casket were put in my possession very many years ago, sir, when I was little more than a boy.'

  'But by whom, man?'

  'The faithful servant John, sir. He also told me the story of the two marriages. He was a witness to both. The Gretna Green certificate was handed to him for safekeeping. He claimed his master had given him the Chinese casket as a present, but I consider it more likely he spied on your grandmother, saw her putting her licence in it, and deliberately expropriated the box without his master's knowledge before they returned to England. Why he retained the licences I cannot say. Probably he just hoped they would come in useful one day. He was of a conserving and secretive disposition. I was perplexed for many years to know what I should do with them. Eventually I decided to say nothing until such time as it seemed proper to speak.'

  'But why in tarnation did he give 'em to you?' Haggermeir demanded.

  'If you glance at the full name of the witness on one of the licences, sir, you will see that it is John Merryweather. My grandfather. Not an altogether estimable character. We have never spoken much of him in my family. Incidentally, sir, I feel that under the circumstances I should return this money to you.'

  He held out the wad of notes.

  Haggermeir hesitated. Then he chuckled. 'No, a bargain's a bargain. You earned it. You keep it. But thanks all the same.'

  'Thank you, sir,' said Merryweather.

  ******

  tilated Mink