‘We’ve really got to stop meeting like this.’ Rob joked as we sat on the uncomfortable waiting chairs. ‘I think it’s about time we found a new place to hang out, don’t you?’
I smiled but couldn’t bring myself to laugh.
‘So where’s James? Not that I mind waiting with you, not at all, but shouldn’t he be the one . .’
‘James is not the father.’ I said distractedly.
‘Not.’
‘No.’
‘But he . . and you . .’
‘I never said he was the father, you just assumed.’
‘And you let me.’
‘Yes I suppose I did, but at the time I thought you were . . um . married and . . anyway he’s not. So now I suppose you think I’m a complete tart and have got a whole string of men on the go.’
‘No I don’t think that at all, I’m just a bit surprised that’s all. So if James isn’t the father then who . . . ? Sorry it’s none of my business, and if you don’t want to tell me I . .’
‘James is just a friend, was a friend. The father is a twonk I met at Gill’s hen night. It was just the once and I never saw him again, never wanted to see him again, like I said he was a twonk, a complete and utter twonk of the first order. Getting pregnant was a mistake, a big mistake.’
‘I see.’
‘Do you, do you really, or are you just more convinced than ever now that I am a slag.’
‘I never said that.’
‘No you never said it.’
‘I never thought it either. Why, are you?’
‘No I’m not. The twonk was a momentary Bocardi induced lapse in judgement, there hadn’t been anyone before him since I broke up with Alec over a year ago. And for the record there hasn’t been anyone since.’
‘So the twins thing is something in your family then?’
‘No, well not that I know of. I heard . . somewhere . . can’t remember where, that the twonk had a twin brother.’ Lord save me from myself and the lies that just keep coming out of my mouth no matter how hard I tried to stop them.
‘So not only did you end up pregnant but now it might be . . blimey.’
‘Yeah.’
We sat in silence while Rob digested all this information, and I went back to worrying again.
‘What did you mean when you said James was a friend as in used to be, have you fallen out with him?’
‘God you really want your money’s worth don’t you? Are you always this nosey?’
‘Sorry I’m just interested.’
I looked at him, trying to weigh up what his game was. Was he just interested, was he just making conversation to take my mind off everything, or was he being way too nosey?
‘You don’t have to tell me if you don’t want to.’ He said.
‘Okay, he helped me out one night when my car ran out of petrol, and then he helped me out again when I moved. He’s a friend. He wanted it to be more but I didn’t. There satisfied now you know everything.’
‘Yes . . well no. If he’s just a friend why does he get so . . you know . . every time he sees me, and why does he behave like you and him are . .’
‘Like I said he wanted it to be more. I guess he thought you were the competition, stupid eh?’
‘Ha yeah stupid.’ He said avoiding looking directly at me, too embarrassed to make eye contact I guess . ‘And now you’re not friends anymore?’ he said looking at me again.
‘No.’
‘Because you dumped him.’
‘I didn’t dump him, I didn’t have him in the first place to be able to dump. He wanted us to be more than friends and I didn’t so I stopped seeing him. Simple as that. Can we talk about something else now?’
‘Yes of course. But you’re not seeing him anymore?’
‘Arghh.’
‘Sorry, sorry just checking. Right talk about something else . . um . . so have you decided how you’re going to redecorate your flat yet?’
‘Cream, I’m going to have it all cream, very pale almost white, simple, clean, and not peach.’ I said matter of factly, still recovering from the onslaught of all those questions, but relieved we were finally off the subject of my love life, or lack of it.
‘Sounds good, I can help if you like?’
‘It’s okay I’ll manage.’
‘What with a broken foot? I can’t see you going up and down ladders with your crutch somehow, can you? Not to mention while you’re pregnant.’
‘I didn’t say it would be easy, I said I’d manage, and my foot won’t be broken forever will it?’
‘No I think I should help, I mean it’s the least . . ‘
‘If you say it’s the least you can do I might have to hit you, you’ve got to stop saying that.’
‘Well it is, but I’ll try and stop saying it if it annoys you so much.’
‘Good.’
‘So shall we go and pick up some paint when we leave here?’
‘Um no, I don’t think so.’
‘Why not?’
‘Well for one thing I have to be back at work, and for another I haven’t said I want your help.’
‘Okay how about this, we get the paint, then I drop you off at work, and I’ll go home and get started on things. How does that sound?’
‘Sounds like you’re not listening to me.’
‘I am listening but you’re being very stubborn, are you always this stubborn?’
‘I . . it’s not that I don’t appreciate you offering, and with it being the least you can do and all, but how can I put this . . thanks but no thanks, I can manage.’
‘You can’t, and I’m doing it.’
I glared at him hard, and he glared right back. I did want his help, well I wanted someone’s help he was quite right about that, I probably couldn’t manage on my own, but I didn’t want him hanging around my flat all the time it was awkward enough just sitting in his car twice a day. But I was too tired and too stressed to argue anymore.
‘Okay.’ I said deflated.
‘Was that okay thanks, or okay if you have to?’
‘Bit of both if you want the truth.’
We didn’t have to wait as long as the last time I’d had a scan, and before too much more time passed a nurse wandered through the waiting area calling my name. I sat frozen to the spot. The moment had come. I would finally after all these weeks find out for definite if the baby was going to be one baby or two. You don’t suppose it could be more do you? I mean if you had the gene, or more accurately Matt the twonk had the gene for multiple births, that it meant exactly that, multiple. What if there were three or six like that family . . um . . the Walton’s wasn’t it who had six girls. Oh God.
‘It’s time to go.’ Rob said. ‘They’ve just called your name.’
No. People only had six babies when they were on some sort of fertility treatment, I was getting just a little bit schizoid now, of course it wasn’t six. For one thing I’d be like the side of a house wouldn’t I?
‘Judy Parker?’ The nurse called again.
‘Judy it’s time.’ Rob said.
But it could be two, it could easily be two. Two feeds every three or four hours, two lots of nappy’s, two labours one right after the other. I can’t do this, I just can’t. I didn’t even want to have one baby, I definitely didn’t want to have two.
Rob was trying to pull me to my feet and I hadn’t even noticed. Then the nurse who’d been calling my name came over and asked was I coming or not, and did I know that I was holding everyone up.
‘I can’t do this.’ I shouted far too loud.
‘It’s alright Judy, you can do this, you have to. You need to know.’ Rob said trying to calm me down.
‘No I don’t.’
‘Is it your foot, is that what the matter is? Well I’m sure your husband will help you.’ The nurse said trying desperately to heave me out of the seat.
‘Husband?’ I said bewildered. ‘Oh he’s not . .’
‘Sorry your partner then.’ She said still pulling on
my arm.
‘Look’ Rob said to the nurse conspiratorially. ‘Why don’t you see the next person on your list and come back to Judy after they’ve been in. I’ll talk to her it’s just nerves, she’s a bit worried, I’m sure she’ll be fine.’
‘Hmph.’ The nurse snorted totally put out by having her little schedule thrown out of kilter. Then she marched off calling the name of her next victim.
‘Judy you have to do this, do you want to have to go on worrying right up to the last minute?’
‘No’ I whispered.
‘No exactly, then you have to have this scan. And it might be good news, you might be worrying for nothing, but you won’t know if you don’t go in there and find out, will you?’
‘No’ I said contritely.
‘So when the nurse comes back in a minute, you’re going to get up and walk in there aren’t you, and then you’re going to get on the bed and let them . . scan, right?’
‘It’s more of a table.’
‘What is?’
‘It’s not a bed it’s more like a soft table. That’s another thing how am I going to get on their stupid four foot high table, with this stupid foot of mine for God’s sake?’
‘I’m sure they’ll help you.’
‘They didn’t help me last time.’
‘Well I’m sure they will this time when they see you with that crutch and a bandaged foot.’
‘And what if it is twins and I break down, or go berserk and start smashing things up?’
‘Are you likely to do that?’
‘No . . maybe . . I don’t know I might.’
‘Do you want me to go in with you?’
‘Oh yes, would you? I really don’t want to be on my own.’
Did I just say I wanted Rob to go in with me? I did didn’t I? Well I would like him, someone anyway to be there, but I’m not sure if this was the best idea I’ve ever had. I mean he’ll have to see my stomach for one thing, not a pretty sight at the moment. And climbing on and off that table last time was not exactly my finest hour, and that was with two good feet. But it would be better if there was someone I knew holding my hand.
‘You sure you don’t mind?’ I said.
‘No. I helped Marsha out when she was pregnant and Mac was working away. It’s fine, as long as it’s what you want. I wouldn’t want you to think . . and it’s the . .’
‘Don’t say it.’
‘I was going to say it’s the only way you’re going to be able to do this scan thing.’
‘Oh.’
I must have looked really scared because he held my hand and told me over and over everything would be alright until the same nurse came back to see if I was ready now.
‘Yes’ Rob said answering for me. ‘Were fine. Come on Judy.’
I stood up. My brain had gone numb and I was shaking. The nurse walked away and with Rob’s help I reluctantly moved, and between him being so determined and everyone intently watching me after my earlier outburst, I had no choice but to go along.
‘I hear you’re a bit nervous.’ The nurse in the scanning room said as she fiddled with the machinery. ‘No need. I’m sure everything will be fine. Just jump up on the table and we’ll get started.’
I dithered. Jump up? That should be a neat trick. Rob saw my dilemma and knew I was worried about how exactly I was going to get on anyway, so to save me anymore embarrassment, or my attempting to bolt for the door, yeah like that was a real possibility, took my crutch and leaned it against the wall, scooped me up, and sat me on the examining table.
I laid down and the nurse lifted my top and pulled down my jeans a bit to expose my swollen stomach. Rob on the other side of the bed, looked only at my face as he held my hand, and I was grateful he’d offered to come in with me.
The nurse wasted no time and slapped a dollop of the freezing gel onto my stomach and started moving the detector thing over my bump. Within seconds I heard the baby’s heartbeat, louder than the last time, but I didn’t look at the screen, couldn’t see the point of watching a load of fuzz, and anyway I had my eyes closed and was praying over and over like a silent mantra that she wouldn’t say it was twins.
‘Everything seems fine.’ The nurse said.
‘How many?’ I asked tremulously unable to form a proper sentence at this point.
‘Is it twins?’ Rob said interpreting for me.
‘No it’s not twins, were you hoping for twins?’
‘It’s not?’ I said barely able to speak, my relief was so great.
‘No sorry.’ The nurse said.
‘Oh don’t be sorry that’s wonderful news.’ I said finally regaining the power of speech and grinning from ear to ear. ‘You’re sure that there’s only one baby in there?’
‘I’m positive. Do you want to know the sex?’ The nurse said. ‘Some couples do and some would rather wait until baby’s born.’
‘You can tell that?’ I said, straining to see the screen I’d been so busy to avoid up to now.
The nurse swivelled the monitor slightly to make it easier for me, and I caught a glimpse of Rob’s awe-struck face already focused on the screen.
‘You’re going to have a little girl.’ The nurse said all pleased with herself as if she’d had some part to play in all this, and was somehow responsible for the final outcome.
I looked at the screen and there before me was a baby, a proper baby, stretched out as if it was sunbathing and sucking its little thumb, and at the angle we were viewing it at, it was obviously a girl. An actual real baby girl.
How stupid I am. I’d known since June that I was having a baby, it wasn’t like it was a big surprise or anything, well of course it had been a surprise on the day I’d pee’d on all those sticks, but since then I’d reluctantly accepted my fate, I knew, well I thought I knew what I was in for. But in all that time I hadn’t really thought of it as a real baby, a tiny person. But here she was.
I gazed at the screen and watched as she lay sucking her thumb. My stomach did a somersault like going over the crest of a hill at top speed, and my heart melted at the sight of the baby, my baby. I Judy Parker had made this small tiny real person, of course Matt the twonk had played his part, a small cameo role for all of five minutes that now paled into insignificance and was way down on the cast list. But that I had done this magical thing? I could hardly believe it. I could hear her heart beating, I could see her heart beating, and my own beat twice as fast just watching her.
How perfect she was, the perfect number of arms and legs, and a perfect sweet little face. I could hardly comprehend that I had made this perfect little person that was growing inside me.
I was barely able to drag my eyes away from the screen, but I managed it long enough to see that Rob, who was squeezing my hand so hard he was almost breaking my fingers, was still slightly gobsmacked and totally oblivious to the pain he was causing me.
‘Would you like a print?’ The nurse said.
‘Yes, oh yes I do want a picture.’ I almost shouted in my eagerness.
‘It’s a girl.’ I said dreamily to Rob while still glued to the screen as the baby took her thumb out of her mouth and stretched out her tiny arm.
‘Yes.’ Rob said finally realising that he was still squeezing my hand and letting go. ‘I know.’
The nurse having finished her scanning duties took the detector thingy away from my stomach and the screen returned to fuzz, then she turned the screen off altogether. I sighed and the nurse smiled. ‘Don’t worry, you’ll have the real thing to look at in a few weeks’ she said gently. So, I thought, some nurses were human after all, who knew?
Rob helped me off the table and held on to me while I rearranged my clothes again, then we waited for the printout of my first baby picture. The other scan picture I’d got didn’t count, I couldn’t make head nor tail of it, and couldn’t even remember where I’d put it, but this one I was going to frame and hang on the wall.
I paid my money in a daze and we left the scanning room. I visited the toilet ne
xt to the lift suddenly bursting for the loo again, I’d forgotten all about it for the last twenty minutes or so, but now it was all I could think about. Then relieved of that burden, as we left the hospital, I went back to being dazed, and smiling so hard my face was in serious danger of falling in half.
24
19th October – Week 20 + 3 And A Half Days
‘That was amazing, incredible.’ Rob said when we got back to the car.
‘Wasn’t it.’
‘She was so perfect, so tiny.’
‘I know.’ I said still marvelling at the wonder of it.
I took out the picture of the scan and looked again at my baby. I hadn’t thought of it as my baby before, but suddenly I felt this strong protective urge, and touched my stomach with my free hand, almost caressing it.
‘I never knew.’ Rob said staring at the picture of the scan. ‘I saw all the scan pictures of Marsha but it wasn’t the same . . I don’t know seeing it move and she was sucking her thumb and . . it was a real baby.’
‘I know.’
‘They all thought I was the . . that we were . .’ Rob said still not taking his eyes off the baby picture.
‘Yes that was kind of funny, but I suppose it was a natural mistake, I mean anyone would have thought . . ‘
‘Yeah I suppose. You can’t go to work, not yet, as if it’s just a normal day. Do you want to get a coffee somewhere?’
‘Okay.’ I said. I mean he was right, I couldn’t go to work could I, I was having a baby.
We drove to town and parked in the multi-storey, then walked to Costa on the high street. Rob settled me in a seat, and I remembered just in time that I wanted tea and not coffee, and he went off to order.
I stroked my stomach absent mindedly and wondered if my baby was sucking her thumb again. This was mind blowing, a baby, my baby was growing inside me, and soon I’d get to see her for real, and hold her and . . like I said mind blowing.
Rob came back with the drinks, amazingly quickly but on a Wednesday there wasn’t much of a queue, and sat down opposite me.
‘How are you feeling now?’ he asked.
‘I don’t know, like I’m in a film, unreal.’
39 Weeks Page 17