‘I mean about it not being twins?’
‘Oh yeah, um . . good, relieved.’ In all my awestruck reverie I’d completely forgotten about the whole twins thing, after worrying myself for weeks to the point where I couldn’t think about anything else, not coherently anyway, in the space of a couple of minutes at seeing my baby on screen, it just fell out of my head.
‘So it’s a girl.’ Rob said.
‘Yeah a girl.’
‘You’ll have to start thinking about names.’
‘Yes I suppose I will.’ Names, I have to give my baby a name. Oh God the pressure, but what if she doesn’t like the name I choose, what if when she gets to . . I don’t know some age or other but talking anyway, she says why did you choose such an awful name, I hate that name, what then?
‘It’s okay, you don’t have to decide on one right now, this minute.’ Rob said seeing my expression change to a frown.
‘No, not now, but I am going to have to aren’t I?’
‘Well yes, unless you’re just going to call her baby or it, for her whole life.’
‘I can’t believe I never realised before. I’m having a baby. Course I knew I was having a baby, but this is . . it’s a real baby, my baby.’
‘Yes.’ Rob said smiling at me.
‘Thank you so much for coming with me, and for the tea and everything, and . .’
‘It’s the least I . . .sorry, anyway I’m glad I came it was amazing. Would you like to go and choose some paint after this and then I can drop you off at work?’
‘I can’t think about paint. I don’t really want to go to work either, it’s not like I’ll be able to concentrate on anything.’
‘Well you could skive off, and we could . . I don’t know go somewhere?’
‘Somewhere like?’
‘The park?’
‘Too ordinary.’
‘The river?’
‘Too cold.’
‘How about Windsor Castle, or Hampton Court?’
‘Yeah maybe.’
‘Or Mothercare?’
‘Mothercare, now there’s an idea. Not that I really need anything after all that stuff Marsha gave me.’
‘Yes but you should have some stuff that you chose yourself, shouldn’t you?’
‘Yes I should. Okay I’ll phone work, then you can take me to Mothercare.’
We both sat grinning, although I wasn’t quite sure why Rob was grinning, but I didn’t really care. I was having a baby and now I was going to buy my baby her first present.
We finished our tea and coffee in a semi stunned silence, my head was off somewhere in La-la land, and Rob? I’ve no idea what Rob was thinking.
We walked back to the car and drove to the huge Mothercare shop on the trading estate. I’d never been before, well I’d been to the trading estate of course but I’d never been inside Mothercare. It was a revelation to me just how much paraphernalia babies could have, even though I’d seen all of Marsha’s stuff and had a load of it stashed away in my second bedroom, now the baby’s room, I was still quite astounded at the sheer volume of it all. There were rows and rows of baby clothes naturally, a whole corner of the shop devoted to pushchairs, and prams, and pushchairs that turned into prams, and rows of nappies and creams of every possible type you could imagine. Baby cream, baby lotion, baby oil, baby bath stuff, baby shampoo, if you bought one of everything you could probably use a different one every day until the baby grew up and started school. And toys, there was shelf after shelf of toys, it was like Santa’s grotto on steroids.
I zeroed in on the baby girl clothes first and cooed pathetically over the tiny cute outfits. Some were mini versions of the grown up clothes you see on the high street, some had smart arse slogans like ‘here comes trouble’ or ‘daddy’s girl’, or a cartoon picture no doubt from a telly program but that I wasn’t familiar with, and some were little girly and all pink and flowery and looked like they were from a different era. Who knew babies had their very own fashion scene going on?
I deliberated for ages, this was harder than choosing for myself and God knows that was hard enough even on a good day. Eventually I chose a set of two babygrows, one pink and white stripes and one white with pink stars, that came with a matching beanie hat made of both pattern designs. Rob just watched indulgently and didn’t interfere at all.
We wandered over to the pushchairs, but after seeing the prices that you’d need to take out a mortgage to be able to afford, we wandered straight away again, and both made a b-line for the soft toys. Pretty much every possible thing you could imagine or think of, and a few you wouldn’t, were all here replicated in soft furry fabrics. I lost my heart to the cutest pink teddy you could imagine, it had sad eyes I thought, and reminded me of the Care Bear I had when I was little and Mum still had stored somewhere up in the loft back at home. I just couldn’t bring myself to leave it in the shop, it would have been teddy cruelty. So this was going to be my first gift to my daughter.
My daughter, how odd that sounded. My very own daughter, who’d have thought? And who’d have thought I’d be so excited about it?
I paid and Rob took the bag from me so I could manage my crutch, and we went back outside where I stood marvelling at the wonderful euphoric feeling I had of just being alive.
‘Let’s get the paint’ I said.
‘But I thought you said . .’
‘Yes I did but we’re here and the shop is just there, and I . . I want everything to be . . I don’t know, ready, perfect for when my baby arrives. We could get some pink paint for the baby’s room don’t you think?’
‘Pink yes what else.’ Rob said with a sardonic grin.
‘Or maybe a pretty wallpaper, with flowers on, not too big though, maybe roses or something.’
‘What happened to the pale cream everywhere? Clean and simple.’
‘Oh I still want that, but for the baby’s room I want something different, something special.’
‘Come on then.’ Rob said looking as enthusiastic as I felt.
Seeing his face, and feeling as I did, I finally got why everyone was so gooey and excited over babies. Something about them just made everything . . wonderful. I still didn’t know how I’d manage moneywise, and I was still worried how I’d cope with a baby on my own, or be a proper mum, but somehow I knew I would, I would for her, for my daughter.
25
31st October – Week 22 + 1 Day
The bandages were finally off, and I didn’t need the crutch any longer. I was still walking with a slight limp, but I was walking unaided. And driving. It was wonderful to be able to drive myself wherever I wanted to go, whenever I wanted to go, without having to rely on someone else all the time. Rob had been brilliant and hadn’t complained at all. No doubt he’d have said ‘it was the least he could do’ if I’d have let him, but he’d managed to avoid saying it. Not only had he driven me back and forth to work but he’d taken me food shopping a couple of times. I was very grateful of course, and things between us had got much easier since the day of the scan.
The paint was piled up in the corner of the living room, four large cans of it. Rob had said he’d start straight away, the day we’d bought the paint, but I’d prevaricated, and we’d ended up having dinner with Marsha that evening. Mac had finally come home and she’d metaphorically and actually killed the fatted calf, well bought a joint of beef and cooked a roast. The only downer to what was otherwise a really nice evening, was Marsha telling Mac how I’d thought Rob and she were married. I still didn’t think it was very funny and burned with embarrassment, but they all thought it was hilarious, even Harry and Flora laughed at Uncle Rob being mistaken for their Dad.
And then there was the whole driving over my foot saga, of course Marsha had already told Mac all about it over the phone, but now he was here in person she could tell him all over again, this time in more animated detail, and it was Rob’s turn to burn with embarrassment while Mac gave him endless jibes about his driving just as Marsha had predicted he would, an
d gave Rob the excuse to apologise to me all over again.
Since then Rob had been offered a couple of local jobs that he somehow managed to fit around taking me to work, and on the weekend I’d been shopping for more fat clothes with Shelley, in an even bigger size than the last time, and Rob had done a bit of male bonding with Mac. Why is it when a couple of blokes are friends or spend time together it’s male bonding, but with girls it’s just being friends? I don’t get it. Anyway he was off bonding and I was shopping, so the painting got left.
Shelley had some good news, she and Nick had finally found a flat. She was so excited and I was excited for her, it was impossible not to be with her burbling on about which bits of furniture they’d take, some from her old flat and some from his, and how she was going to make it all ultra modern but homey at the same time. I wasn’t quite sure how you could achieve that but Shelley was quite positive you could, and who was I to burst her bubble. Anyway they were moving on Thursday, and she wanted to know if I’d like to go round for a meal next Saturday, to see it of course but also to christen it as their first official visitor.
‘That’d be great, I’d love to, but won’t you still be sorting yourselves out, it’s a bit soon. Sure you wouldn’t rather wait until the Saturday after?’ I said as we perused the fat clothes in Next.
‘No I can’t wait, I want you to see it Judy, it’s really nice. Anyway me and Nick have both had a huge sort out and got rid of loads of stuff, and we plan to buy as much new stuff together as we can afford, so there won’t be that much to sort out on moving day.’
‘Well if you’re sure.’ I said holding up a huge garishly patterned top, that in my opinion anyway would have been too much pattern even for curtains never mind to actually wear somewhere.
Shelley cringed and shook her head agreeing with me as to the unsuitability of the top, and said carefully ‘there is one thing though.’
‘Mm’ I said picking up a long black shirt that would hide my bump and was much more my sort of thing. ‘What’s that?’
‘Nick wants to invite Rob as well.’
‘Okay.’
‘You don’t mind, it won’t be awkward or anything?’
‘I’m going to try this on.’ I said and not bothering with changing rooms being as it was a shirt, dumped my bag and put it on over my tee shirt, then started looking round for a mirror.
Shelley picked up my bag and trailed after me. ‘I like that’ she said as I turned to see it from all angles. ‘How much is it?’
I checked the label dangling from the sleeve. ‘Thirty eight fifty.’ I said.
‘What! For a plain black shirt? They’ve got to be kidding.’
‘It is a bit daylight robbery but . . I really do like it. I probably shouldn’t but I’m getting it, I’ll just have to skimp a bit on any other stuff, but I really like this shirt.’
I took the shirt off and went straight to the till, not daring to look at anything else and keeping my eyes focused straight ahead. While we waited in the queue to pay Shelley said ‘so Saturday?’
‘Yes it’ll be fine’ I said. ‘What time?’
‘Only it’ll just be the four of us, me and Nick and you and Rob.’
‘God Shelley, it’s fine I don’t see what the . . oh you mean it’ll be a sort of double date thing.’
‘Well not really, not as such, but I know how you are about . . you know dating, and it is Rob and after . .’
‘No we get on fine now, all that other stuff when I thought he was married is all over. And it’s not a date is it, it’s just two people having dinner with a couple of friends.’ I said a bit too defensively.
‘Judy? You still like him don’t you?’ Shelley said like she was the teacher in first school and I was six, and had just got caught out in a lie.
‘No, not like that . . . okay yes, but I don’t want a man do I? . . and I’m pregnant he doesn’t think of me that way, he likes me I think, but . . oh it’s all just too complicated. Maybe if I wasn’t pregnant it’d be different . . but I am and I need to be thinking about baby things, I can’t afford to be drooling over some bloke and getting sidetracked . . I don’t want to think about it.’
‘So?’
‘So Saturday will be fine, not a problem. I’m not thinking about it and we’re just friends and that’s all.’
‘Like you and James are friends?’
‘No not like me and James . . not at all like me and James.’
I paid for the shirt and Shelley and I went for a cuppa so we could talk properly and I told her all about the kiss.
‘Well you could do worse.’
‘Worse than what?’
‘Well worse than this James.’
‘I suppose, but I’m not looking for someone who’s not the worst, in fact I’m not looking for anyone at all, I’m quite happy, just me, on my own, well not on my own I’ve got a daughter due soon, so I won’t be on my own.’
‘Yes what about the baby, d’you ever think maybe she might need a father?’
‘Are you really suggesting that I get a bloke just for the sake of the baby?’
‘Well it’s a thought isn’t it?’
‘No it’s not a thought, it’s not a thought I’m thinking anyway.’
‘Okay no need to bite my head off. Loads of women do just that, and they’ll have anyone rather than be on their own.’
‘Well I’m not loads of women. I don’t need a man, not now, not ever if the ones I’ve met so far are anything to go on.’
‘And Rob?’
‘Alright, he’s a notch above average I grant you, and I did like him when we first met, but he’s still a bloke. Look we both know there’s something wrong with all of them, they all drive you mad in the end, it’s just how mad and how soon the ends going to be. I can’t be doing with all that. I couldn’t before I got pregnant and I definitely can’t now.’
‘Okay.’ Shelley said, but I had the distinct feeling she didn’t believe me. Either she didn’t agree with what I was saying, but I couldn’t imagine it was that, or she didn’t think I really thought it, but I did. Well I was pretty sure I did.
James phoned on Saturday night, and despite going through the polite motions of asking how I was and if I was still hobbling around on my crutch, what he really wanted to know was why I hadn’t called him. I couldn’t answer, well I could of course but I couldn’t answer without hurting his feelings, so I stalled and said I’d been really busy, and was really tired because I’d been so really busy. The result being he came round for an hour Sunday lunchtime, yesterday.
I never mentioned the kiss and neither did he, at least not until he was on his way out. At first he’d been a bit awkward, then after a while we settled into the friendship we’d had before, him joking around a lot mostly at my expense, and me raising my eyebrows a lot at his terrible jokes, but then as he was leaving he said ‘sorry about the kiss. I thought . . but it was too soon, you weren’t ready I knew it but I had to try anyway.’
‘Just don’t ever, I mean ever, call me Babe again.’
Is it . . have I ruined . . ?’
‘No course not,’ I said. What I should have said, should have done, was end it there and then. But I liked him, he made me laugh and as friends we got on great, but as anything more than friends? Well no I didn’t think so.
‘Good.’ He said smiling as he left. ‘I’ll give you a call Babe.’ Then grinned to himself but said ‘sorry’ afterwards as if that made it alright.
It was selfish of me I know, and I felt bad about not ending it, but not bad enough to stop seeing him, I enjoyed having him around that’s all there was to it. My only excuse was that in my pregnant over-emotional state, all the books said you were over-emotional when you’re pregnant, I couldn’t help myself. Well that’s my story and I’m sticking to it, selfish or not.
Last night Rob came up to double check that I’d be okay driving myself to work this morning, and I confirmed that he was officially relieved of his driving duties. Then he asked me for my ke
y as he said he wanted to get started on the painting while I was at work. We went through the whole, you don’t have to and him saying he wanted to again, ending with me handing over the key. So while I sat at work gearing up for the month end, Rob was at my place decorating.
It had been six months since my promotion and as far as I could tell everything had worked out fine and I was doing a good job, but then I got a call from Norman to go and see him in his office later this afternoon. Course I went straight into panic mode and started worrying about what I’d done wrong but I couldn’t think of anything. The figures were a bit down but at this time of year it was normal for them to slump a bit. Every year there was a dip in sales about now, and then again in February, so I couldn’t see how it could be that. Maybe I’d screwed something up without even realising, I mean my head had definitely been somewhere else for the last couple of months, and for Norman to be summoning me to his office it had to be something big. Oh crap, that’ll teach me to be so smug.
I went and sat in the new, made for the purpose, staff room with Doreen and Jack at lunch time. Everyone was still getting used to the novelty of having a staff room, and now the weather had turned colder we went there most days.
As we watched the rain getting heavier from our safe little haven Jack said ‘well this beats sitting at your desk for lunch, doesn’t it?’ Every day one of us would say something to that effect, and the rest of us would all nod and mumble our agreement through mouthfuls of salad or sandwiches, but like I said it was still a novelty, and after so many years with nowhere to sit properly at lunchtime it was obviously not going to wear off any time soon.
Doreen was moaning about George again, he’d mis-coded half the invoices last week and it had only just come to light, so now she was going to have to stay late to correct it before we closed off for month end. Of course in an ideal world it should have been George who stayed late to put his mistake right, but not only did he refuse to take the blame, how I don’t know when it was clearly his fault, but he also refused to do any overtime. So it had fallen to Doreen to do the journal entries.
39 Weeks Page 18