The Doughnut Man

by Paul Kelly

  “Yes Bertie, what is it now?”

  “You won’t forget to order that telephone now, will you, that’s a good boy,” he said and before Joe could say another word, he had vanished into thin air.

  Chapter Six

  Maggie gave birth to a fine young son weighting 7lbs 3ozs and both she and the little lad were well. They gave him the name of John Paul, after Maggie’s father and there were no complications as was at first thought, because of Maggie’s anaemia and also because it was her first child and she had so much trouble before when she had suspected she was pregnant. Joe couldn’t see enough of his little ‘bundle of joy’ and Freddie had a day off from school for Maggie’s homecoming. There was a welcome-home party with the help of the enthusiastic neighbours.

  It was only in the evening, after the exhaustive festivities had concluded and baby John Paul was settled down for what everyone hoped would be a quiet night, that Joe had the first opportunity to reflect at length on the power and persistence of his friend Bertie. He had never forgotten the old man in the years that they had lost contact and he found it somewhat strange that he should suddenly turn up when he did . .in the flesh, so to speak

  He marvelled at how Bertie could just appear at will and wondered was he still selling doughnuts to the football fans of the Sandforth Wanderers . . . .but hardly had the thought entered his head when he heard a familiar rasping voice at the end of the bed.

  “Are you thinking about me, Joe? I rather think you are.”

  Joe sat up with a jolt and put his forefinger to his lips.

  “Ssshh .. . you’ll waken Maggie up and she’s had a hard day,” he whispered and Maggie moaned and rolled over onto her side before she settled again. “Where are you anyway?” Joe whispered again as he strained to see in the dark.

  “I’m here, look . . a little to your right . . see?”

  Joe could see a blue shape that looked like a cloud at first and then it formed into the shape of his old friend.

  “You scared me Bertie . . Why do you go around doing that to people,” Joe asked as he straightened the bedclothes to make sure that Maggie’s shoulders were covered. . . and the blue cloud danced.

  “Well . . aren’t you glad to see me, Joe?”

  Joe sulked for a moment and then he smiled.

  “Of course I am but I’d rather we met again under different circumstances and in another place,” he whispered.

  “Don’t worry Joe . . Maggie won’t be in the least disturbed if you just think your thoughts to me. There’s no need to speak . . haven’t you forgotten?”

  “But what about you?” Joe continued to whisper.

  “Oh nobody can hear me, silly boy,” Bertie grinned, “Except you of course. I can think my words too, you know . . watch.”

  Bertie closed his eyes tightly and screwed up his face where his chin touched his nose.

  “There . . did you hear that?” he said gleefully and stared at Joe in anticipation but Joe just shook his head.

  “Not a dickey bird, mate. Look why don’t you turn in somewhere so I can get some sleep.”

  “Joe . . you surely can’t have forgotten everything I taught you. Come on . . have another try . just for poor old Bertie . please.”

  Joe shuddered and drew the blankets around his shoulders.

  “All right then . . GO.” He said and closed his eyes to think.

  ***

  “Bertie . . how is it you can manage to be here when I just think about you then?” he thought without moving his lips.

  “Because we’re friends, aren’t we?” came the silent answer and not another word was spoken in the bedroom that night . . The conversation was all in the mind.

  “Well, if we are such good friends, why is that it’s such a long time since I last saw you?” asked Joe, shuffling his feet in irritation as he connected his thoughts.

  “Because that was our pact, wasn’t it? You wanted to be a man, so I took ten years from you when you were ten, remember? . . Let’s call this our anniversary.”

  “I can’t remember much about it at all, really,” thought Joe.

  “That’s because time just whizzes by . . doesn’t it?”

  “Will you visit me every ten years, then Bertie?”

  “Of course I will . . but I’m always here. I mean, I’m always around you and you can speak to me anytime you wish.”

  Joe thought carefully. “What do you mean . . wish?” he said.

  “Just that Joe . . As soon as you think about me, I’m here. That’s what friends are for, surely?”

  “So you are near and can come to me whenever I wish to see you, but . . I can’t come to you?”

  The old man shook his head slowly and the blue aura around his shape wavered a little.

  “What does it matter as long as we can see each other. You are my eyes, you know . . I can’t come unless you will it,” said Bertie and Joe was puzzled.

  “But why can’t I come to you, whenever I wish it?” Joe asked impatiently and Bertie gave a long weary sigh as he wiped his nose with the back of his hand.

  “Because you’re an ordinary human, silly . . that’s why . . and you ordinary humans move much slower than I do.” said Bertie and Joe grinned as he listened with his mind.

  “Oh! You’re a fast mover alright, I’ll say that for you . . for an old geezer, that is . . Oh! Sorry Bertie . . I didn’t mean to be offensive. Are you an extraordinary human, then?”

  Bertie nodded with a smile, but he would say no more on that subject.

  “That’s alright, Joe . . I am an old man. A very, very, very old man and I don’t have many wishes left in me and that weighs me down a wee bitty, but if I did have a wish . . . ONE ONLY . . it wouldn’t be for my youth again.”

  “No?”

  “No . . it would be for wisdom. So few people today have wisdom Joe . . so very few.”

  “Well, we’re not all idiots either,” argued Joe and his face twisted as he ached to shout his objection and Bertie raised his pure white eyebrows as he cocked his wizened face to one side.

  “No, I suppose not . . but the biggest percentage are, I’m afraid. Pure unadulterated idiots . . Oh! me, Oh! my . . . I’d better be off now and get some shopping done, I guess.”

  “Shopping? Shops? at this hour,” Joe leaned over to look at the clock by his bedside. “It’s nearly two in the morning, mate . . It’s well past midnight. There won’t be any shops open at this time.” he explained, but Bertie just grinned and he had a certain twinkle in his eye.

  “There now .. didn’t I tell you most of you were idiots. There won’t be any queues at this time either . . will there?”

  Joe rubbed his forehead and shook his head.

  “Oh! Just before you go Bertie . . tell me . . how did you know that Maggie and I wanted a baby so much?”

  The old man smiled broadly and his pink tongue darted out from between his purple lips for a second before it disappeared again.

  “There are ways, dear boy . . there are ways,” he said . . . and vanished.

  “But . . .

  It was too late for Joe to ask any more questions. He closed his eyes tightly and rubbed them hard, thinking that he surely must have been dreaming, for there wasn’t a trace of the old man in sight

  ***

  “I think I must be going mad, I really do,” he said

  “What did you say Darling?” Maggie asked softly in her aroused sleep and turned over on her side, taking the blankets with her.

  “Oh! It’s nothing Sweetheart, I just thought I heard John Paul crying but . .”

  Maggie jumped up and made to put her dressing gown on, but Joe took her hand and reassured her that everything was O.K.

  “I’ve just been to see him, “ he lied innocently . .”He’s O.K. for now . . go back to
sleep, Love, but somewhere . . in the air . . Joe could hear a titter as he blushed and settled down again for the night.

  “Goodnight Darling.”

  “Goodnight Sweetheart,” Maggie answered sleepily as her slurred words went into a snore.

  “Goodnight and sleep tight, my friends,” came a voice from the surrounding air.

  ***

  The following morning when Joe woke up, he noticed a little piece of white paper, neatly folded and lying on the table beside the alarm clock. He unfolded it with curiosity and saw that it had two strange marks, side by side, marked out clearly against the white background. One was a finger print . . . but the other was just a smudge . . . with a question mark in the centre. In alarm he dropped it and as he bent down to pick it up again . . it vanished from his sight.

  Chapter Seven

  “Joe . . I wish you would have a word with Freddie. I don’t know whether it’s because of the new baby or not, but he’s acting very strangely lately. He doesn’t say much and that’s not like him, is it? I don’t want him upset and certainly not left out with little John Paul here . . you know what I mean . . don’t you? I try to give him the same attention that I did before baby was born, I really do, but I don’t have the same time to spare. The baby, bless him, takes up a lot of my time and my energy.”

  Maggie looked worried as she tested the temperature of the baby’s milk, squiring a few drops onto her wrist from the plastic bottle.

  “O.K. Maggie.. . I’ll speak to him when I get home from work this evening. Maybe we’ll take a walk together, just Freddie and I, down to the park. I think he’d like that.”

  “Thanks Joe. Please reassure him that we love him just as we’ve always done and that the little one will never change that . . Joe . . Joe, are you listening to me?” she asked but her dear husband was making some funny faces at the baby’s cot as he shook his head from side to side, making some weird gurgling noises.

  “Who’s daddy’s big boy then? Who’s gonna take a size ten football boot when he grows up? he muttered and suddenly stopped to look up as his eyes went wide.

  A blue cloud lingered above the cot and Joe heard a voice with his mind . . It said, ‘ Good on yuh, Joe . . you’ll make a fine father yet . . but take your time lad . . take your time.

  A lot will happen before John Paul here, gets to kick a football . . ..’

  “Now, you won’t forget Joe, will you?” asked Maggie as she picked her baby up for his four hourly feed, but Joe was breathing heavily as he scanned the air above his head . .

  “No, I won’t forget Maggie . . and who’s gonna knock spots off United, when he grows up and wears them size tens, eh?” he called out in defiance . . . and the blue cloud spirited slowly away and disappeared through the ceiling.

  “Oh! Go on with you Joe Osborne or I’ll get you a bottle of dried milk for your supper,” Maggie cried, but Joe grinned as he left the house, trying very hard not to think of a certain person, in case he shot up again, beside him.

  “I won’t think about him. I won’t . . I won’t.,” he said quietly but resolutely to himself.

  “Hello Joe,” came a voice at his side . . “It’s me again.”

  Joe looked about him but he could see nothing.

  “I was hoping you wouldn’t be around for the moment. I have so many things on my mind, Bertie. It’s not a good time for me and I don’t want to talk about a world full of idiots . . . UNDERSTOOD,” Joe said and a voice spoke solemnly at his side.

  “I understand perfectly, dear boy, but I’ll just walk along beside you anyway. It’s so nice for someone to keep you company, isn’t it?”

  Joe did not answer, but walked resolutely on his way to Frankham’s, pretending his friend wasn’t there . . . or trying to.

  “Where are you anyway. I can’t see you this morning . . but I could see your blue cloud earlier on. Are you in one of your invisible stints?”

  “Bingo! . . you have it in one . . Is that the Kelly’s eye, or mud in your eye or whatever the idiots say? Oh! Sorry Joe, that was uncalled for. I’m a little to your right, dear boy, but you tend to walk too fast and I’m finding it difficult to keep up with you. Can’t you slow down . . just a wee bitty. Remember my age, do . .”

  Joe walked a wee bitty faster . . when he heard that, until he arrived at the traffic lights and then he slowed down, feeling sorry for what he had done.

  “Feeling guilty Joe . . for acting like a spoiled schoolboy?” came the Voice and Joe looked first to his right and then to his left before he came to a halt.

  “So you’re so smart, are you? You know everything, don’t you?” Joe called out into the air, forgetting that he could speak with his mind. “You can even read minds too, it seems . . but I tell you Mate, if I took two steps off that pavement and then jumped back on again . . .well, you could end up right under a bus . . . do you know THAT . . Smarty-Pants.?”

  “Tee-hee,” came the response followed by a long drawn out sigh and the next moment Joe felt himself being lifted bodily into the air and pushed hard against the wall.

  “Watch out dear boy . . You nearly walked into that lorry, you know. You really should watch where you’re going. I may have had to visit you in hospital if I hadn’t stopped you.”

  Joe felt shaken as he bit his lip. “Thanks Bertie . . sorry for being so . . .” he stopped and glanced towards his right again. “Sorry for being such an idiot,” he said in a low tone, which was followed by a burst of raucous laughter, somewhere just above his head and then he heard a chesty cough.

  “I’ll have to get down to the apothecary and get myself some cough mixture. S’cuse me Joe, won’t you?”

  Joe grinned. . “Chemist,” he called out into the air.

  “What?”

  “Chemist, old son . . we don’t have apothecaries any more . . they went out with the ark, but I would, if I were you . . yes, I really would. I think you need something for that cough.”

  There was a moment of silence after that and Joe imagined his old friend to be in some deep thought.

  “Oh! By the way Joe,” The Voice coughed again and cleared its throat, “Ask young Freddie how he’s getting on at school these days when you next see him and perhaps it might be a good idea if you took him there yourself tomorrow morning.”

  Joe looked up in exasperation. “GOOD-BYE, Bertie . . . Thank you for the advice Bertie,”

  he said but the only response he got was some old codger blowing his nose. He thought it strange that Bertie didn’t attempt to have the last word and was just about to turn the corner into Frankham’s when he heard it . . as he should have expected.

  “Don’t mention it dear boy . . Don’t mention it.”

  ***

  Freddie didn’t look too well when he came home from school that afternoon and Maggie was becoming more worried about him. He seemed so withdrawn.

  “Banana split for lunch, Lovie . . yes?” she called out, hoping to bring the boy out of himself but to no avail. Freddie didn’t seem to hear what she said. She looked in at the lounge to find him sitting in Joe’s chair with his knees up under his chin, staring blankly out of the window.

  “Are you alright, Freddie?” . . . Freddie . . . FREDDIE. . .”

  “What? Oh! yes, I’m O.K.” he said quietly.

  “But you’re not speaking to me as you used to Love. Are you sure there’s nothing wrong? You know you can talk to me . . or your uncle Joe, if you prefer . . if there is something . . . you know that, don’t you?” said Maggie, but Freddie heaved a great sigh and continued to stare out of the window.

  “I just wish I was a man . . . and didn’t have to go to school any more, Maggie,” he said and his voice was sad. “Joe’s lucky. He’s got a job. He doesn’t have to go to school. He can do what he likes,” he mumbled and Maggie put her arms around the boy’s shoulders.

/>   “Well . . yes, he can I suppose Love . . after he has looked after you an’ me an’ baby John Paul an’ Sammy . . AND paid the rent, the electricity and the gas . . . and bought the food and the clothes and took us all away on holidays, now and then . . . Yes, he can do as he likes after he’s done that little lot.”

  Freddie sighed again and frowned as Maggie looked down at him with tender love in her eyes.

  “Joe will be home soon Darling and maybe you and he can take a nice walk together, before dinner eh? Have a good man-to-man talk. You are BOTH men, after all, aren’t you? and if your good, you can watch me bath the baby tonight, if you like.”

  Freddie smiled and unfolded his legs as he jumped out of the chair.

  “Thanks Maggie. I think you’re right. We men need time to discuss our problems together and we shouldn’t expect you women to understand . . should we?”

  “Oh No Darling . . we women would never understand. Now run along and wash your face in time for Joe when he gets home, eh?” she said with her eyebrows raised in the air and Freddie ran upstairs.

  “Oh! Freddie . . Freddie darling?”

  “Yes Maggie . . what is it now?”

  “Don’t forget to wash your ears Love, will you?” She smiled and pulled a face in time to hear Freddie’s bedroom door close with a bang.

  ***

  Joe and Freddie had their walk and their talk together, as men often do . . and it was decided that there was no need . . no need whatsoever for Joe to come to school with Freddie the following morning . . or any morning, for that matter.

  Chapter Eight

  “Have you seen old Shifty pants, Joe? He won’t let you off, you know,” Joe’s mate Taffi was sure that he wouldn’t be allowed the two hours off work he required to visit Freddie at school. Shifty pants Hislop, the factory foreman was a hard task-master and didn’t believe in time off for anything other than funerals . . . and only then if it was the immediate family. “Besides, you can’t just march into a school and demand to see a pupil, can you?” Taffi went on, “You’ll have to wait till the kids have their break, surely. How are you gonna get round that, eh?”