Unfortunate Miss Fortunes, The

by Crusie, Jennifer; Dreyer, Eileen; Stuart, Anne

  “You could have gotten Algy back,” Dreama said even more miserably.

  “The hell I could have,” Mare said. “I’m a complete failure.” And Dreama scowled at her.

  “Now about New York,” Jude said, trying for businesslike and just sounding fussy. “I can guarantee you a vice presidency in public relations, but you’ll have to promise to give up anything out of the ordinary—”

  “No. Also, I sent William on a lunch break. He needed hot protein.” Mare put her Coke down on the counter.

  “No food at the front of the store,” Jude said automatically.

  “Don’t make me hurt you,” Mare said. “I want to talk to you. In private.”

  Jude blinked and said, “I really don’t have the time right now, perhaps later,” and made tracks for the back of the store, and when Mare followed him, he was gone.

  “Little weasel,” Mare said when she came back to the front.

  “I don’t like him,” Dreama said.

  “Hold that thought,” Mare said.

  Jude stayed MIA, but William came back very late in a slightly better mood after Pauline fed him, the afternoon went by without incident, and then the six-thirty showing of Corpse Bride went off without a hitch except for Mare’s almost uncontrollable urge to weep when Emily turned into moths at the end. That’s me, she thought, I’ll end up a bunch of blue moths, unloved in this creepy little town. She was so bummed by the thought, that she almost missed the weirdness that started around eight o’clock, just as the sun was going down.

  First William didn’t come back from his dinner break, although the fact that he’d taken not only a lunch break but a dinner break, too, was noteworthy in itself. Jude came back and called the Greasy Fork to track him down, incensed that Value Video!! was missing fifteen minutes of quality morose manager time, and they told him that not only was William not there, but Pauline had gone AWOL, too. “He didn’t kidnap her and take her hostage, did he?” Dreama asked, and Mare said, “For what? Extra ketchup on his fries?” Then Algy called and asked to talk to Dreama, and when she hung up, she was pink-cheeked.

  Mare said, “So?”

  “He’s coming to the nine-thirty show,” Dreama said, blushing brighter.

  “That’s good,” Mare said, starting to smile in spite of herself because Dreama looked so flustered. “And why is that?”

  “He said he’d come if I’d sit with him,” Dreama said. “And I’m, like, off work then, so I can. He was really cute about it. Forceful, even.”

  “This is excellent,” Mare said. “I think—Hey, you!”

  Across the store, the boy who’d put his hand down his girlfriend’s blouse straightened up.

  “What were you thinking?” Mare said. “The sun isn’t even down yet,” and he sank back into his chair.

  That was when she noticed everybody was sitting closer than usual.

  “You know, Algy is really cute,” Dreama said, fluffing up her hair a little. “I told him to come early so we could like, talk.”

  “You did,” Mare said, looking around.

  Over on the love seat, Katie stuck her tongue in Brandon’s ear. Brandon almost passed out.

  Jude caught her eye from the back of the store and motioned to her.

  “Stay here,” she told Dreama. “Watch everybody. There’s something weird going on.”

  “Well, fix it,” Dreama said.

  Mare sighed. “I told you, I’m not—”

  “Yeah, but that’s crap,” Dreama said. “I’ve been working with you for two years. I know what you do. I watch you talk to the people who come in here. I watch you walk down the street. People stare at you, but it’s not because of the weird stuff you wear, it’s because you know stuff, because you’re not afraid to say things, because you make a difference, you make things happen.” She stepped closer. “You can catch DVDs, no hands. Pencils don’t fall on the floor when you’re around. I was right behind you when you found William, and we were clear across the storeroom, but you lifted him off that rope before we were even close. You saved him before we were close. You really are the Queen of the Universe. So I know you’re having a bad day, but snap out of it. Because we need you. Queens of the Universe do not get days off, so just suck it up and get back to work.”

  Mare blinked at her, and Dreama stuck her chin in the air and went back to the counter.

  Mare thought, Well, hot damn, Dreama, and then Jude called, “Mare, I’m ready to have that talk now,” and she went to the back of the store and followed him into the storeroom, still stunned by Dreama and the backbone she’d grown while nobody was watching.

  “So, Mare,” he said, when he’d closed the door.

  “So, Jude,” Mare said. “I know Xan’s up to something because she damn near killed me this afternoon, and I know you’re part of it, so tell me everything right now and you’ll get to keep all your working parts.”

  “You were right, I do know your aunt,” Jude said. “She told me all about you, she showed me your picture, she told me you worked in one of our stores, and Mare, I fell in love right there.”

  Mare rolled her eyes. “No you didn’t. You’re the wrong guy. She probably put a spell on you or something. Now what’s her plan? We know the whole taking-the-powers bit, but exactly how is she—”

  “No, Mare,” Jude said fervently. “You put a spell on me, I loved you from the moment I saw your picture, and I wanted you—”

  He lunged for her, grabbing her arms, and she said, “Hey, watch my veil!” and tripped backward into the shelf behind her, knocking over the plastic bottles of orange popcorn oil, bouncing them onto the concrete floor and breaking one as Jude tried to slide his arms around her, aiming for her lips and kissing her cheek instead, his tongue flicking out at her ear.

  “God, no, stop it.” Mare pushed him away, trying to keep her veil from ripping, but he grabbed again and got her breast this time, squeezing it as if he’d never felt one before, and she smacked at him with the flat of her hand, catching him on the nose so that he jerked back. Then she kneed him in the stomach and he slipped in the oil, and she lifted the broken oil bottle with her mind, and dumped the rest of the oil over him so that he slipped again and again on the floor. She looked around for something else and levitated the ripped beanbag chair, letting the pellets fall out to hover in the air in a blanket above him and then dropped them on him all at once so that he was covered in them while she smoothed out her blue tulle skirt.

  She didn’t mind kicking a guy around, but she drew the line at screwing up her Corpse Bride dress.

  “For the last time,” she said, shoving her veil back into place so she could see him better. “You’re an evil minion. You do not get the girl, you do not get laid, you do not get anything but humiliated.” She shook her head at him, splayed on the concrete floor, covered in orange goo and white pellets. “Why anybody ever applies for the evil minion job is beyond me. Didn’t you see this coming?”

  “I’m a vice president,” he said from the floor, outraged.

  “You’re a minion,” she snapped. “You might as well have a target painted on your forehead. Now what the hell is my aunt doing? And while we’re at it, what the hell is going on out there?”

  “Out where?” he said, looking legitimately confused as he kept a wary eye on the empty vinyl beanbag still hovering above him.

  “Out there in the store? All the PDA?”

  “PDA?”

  “Public Display of Affection,” Mare said, exasperated. “Don’t tell me that’s not a spell. What’s Xan doing ? Or is that your idea of foreplay?”

  “I don’t know,” Jude said, still watching the vinyl bag overhead.

  “Oh, great,” Mare said, “a clueless evil minion,” and dropped the bag on him.

  She detoured around the popcorn oil slick and locked him in the storeroom and then went back to Dreama. “How’s it going?”

  Dreama looked perplexed. “I never thought Corpse Bride was a very hot movie, did you?”

  “No
.”

  “Well, a lot of people are necking to it.”

  Mare cast an eye over the escalating PDA in her audience. “Wait here.” She walked around the counter and out the door into the street. People were walking hand in hand, stopping to kiss in the twilight. In darkened doorways, they were doing more. In bouncing parked cars, a lot more. Dogs howled. Cats yowled. The birds in the trees twittered with more enthusiasm than usual.

  A passerby said, “Hey baby,” and tried to kiss her, grabbing her butt in the process, and she gave him a bloody nose.

  He staggered on down the street and she got out her cell phone and called Dee.

  “Hello?” Dee said breathlessly.

  “Dee, it’s Mare. I think Xan’s doing something. Jude just attacked me in the Value Video!! storeroom, and now everywhere I look, there’s sex.”

  “It’s a libido spell,” Dee said.

  Mare looked at the phone, stunned. “A libido spell?”

  “She’s made the whole town hot to get us into bed with the guys she sent.”

  “Oh.” Mare thought about it. “What’s that going to get her?”

  “I don’t know,” Dee said. “Make us fall in love faster? She really wants us with these guys. Are you okay?”

  A guy stopped and opened his mouth to say something, and Mare looked him straight in the eye. He moved on.

  “Yep.”

  “Good. I have to go.”

  Mare frowned at the phone. “Go where?”

  “Up on the mountain with the guy she wants me with. This is a good libido spell. No point in wasting it.”

  “Danny’s back? That’s gr—No, wait. This is Xan’s plan. You tell that man good-bye and get your butt back home. What are you thinking?”

  “I’m thinking it’s about time I had sex on a mountain.”

  Mare started to yell and then reconsidered. “Oh. Good point. Be careful.”

  “Not this time,” Dee said and hung up.

  “I’ll be damned,” Mare said, and went back inside.

  Algy was behind the counter with Dreama.

  “Good to see you, Algy,” Mare said. “Take any liberties with Dreama, and I’ll rip your heart out and feed it to my cat.”

  “Mare,” Dreama said.

  “I’m Queen of the Universe. I can do that.” Mare dialed her cell phone again and waited until Crash picked up. “I was wrong. I apologize.”

  “I accept,” Crash said. “What took you so long?”

  “I’ve been mostly dead all day.”

  “Princess Bride,” Crash said. “Your roof at eleven?”

  “Yes,” Mare said. “Do not talk to another woman until then.”

  “Why would I?” Crash said and hung up.

  Dreama was smiling at her. “Feeling better?”

  “Jude’s locked in the storeroom covered in popcorn oil and beanbag peanuts.” Mare straightened her veil and put her sunglasses back on. “Take Algy with you when you let him out, just in case he has Ideas.”

  “Oh, my,” Dreama said, impressed.

  “Yep.” Mare swished her blue tulle skirt which looked fabulous. “I’m back. And I owe you, baby. Have another box of Junior Mints. Take two. Knock yourself out on the Jujubes, too. In fact, take anything you want.”

  “Cool,” Algy said.

  “Respect this woman,” Mare said to Algy as she headed out to the floor to break up the worst of the PDA. “She’s gonna be Queen of the Universe someday.”

  “I’m glorious,” Dreama said and handed Algy his Junior Mints.

  Lizzie lay on the bed, purple smoke floating in the air above her, the purple silk sheets smooth and sensual beneath her body. She could smell roses—she hadn’t realized the ones in the dining room were so strong. And then she realized the scent was coming from the bed. She opened her eyes, to see her body covered with lavender rose petals. Elric lay on his stomach beside her, a few stray petals in his tangled blond hair. He looked exhausted, and she couldn’t blame him. All she wanted to do was curl up next to him and sleep in his arms—the emotions swamping her body were too new, too strange. It was as if a protective covering had been washed away, and the new Lizzie, the one lying naked and exhausted and replete beside her wizard lover, was a stranger.

  And yet she wasn’t. This Lizzie had always been inside her, hiding from the arguments, trying to keep her magic from getting noticed, doing her best to fix things. Right now she didn’t have to fix a thing, didn’t have to listen to anybody. All she had to do was slide up against Elric’s strong, beautiful body and try to ignore the sudden resurgence of desire that was sweeping through her. For heaven’s sake, they’d done it three times in a row, and each time had been more powerful. There was no way she could want more.

  But she did. She rolled onto the scattered rose petals, and the fragrance drifted up as she snuggled against him, trying to quiet the sudden stirrings. He opened his eyes to look at her, and the deep iris hue was glowing. He plucked a rose petal from her shoulder.

  “I should have known,” he said, resigned. He picked up a handful of the feather-soft petals and let them drift down over her body. “It only needed flowers to seal the deal. There’s no escape now.” He shook his head, and a loose petal landed on his elegant nose. “We may as well accept our fate.”

  “Oh, I’ve accepted it,” she said. “I’m just …” Words failed her.

  “You ready for more?” he asked lazily.

  She should have been embarrassed. Except that he rolled onto his back and he was clearly as interested as she was. “This is crazy,” she whispered, sliding up beside him.

  “No it’s not. It’s Xantippe.”

  “What?” Lizzie jumped back from him in horror, almost falling off the bed.

  He sat up. “Not that I want to keep my hands from you, my love, but normally even I would like a rest at about this point. Your aunt must have cast some kind of libido spell.”

  Lizzie grabbed the sheet from the foot of the bed, wrapping it around her as she climbed off the bed, and the flower petals scattered everywhere. “You mean the only reason I had sex with you was because Aunt Xan made me do it?” There was no way she could hide her horror.

  His expression was so tender that she wanted to cry. “Haven’t you been paying attention? Up until about fifteen minutes ago it was just us. The rose petals prove it—if Xantippe’s spell had been working they never would have appeared, trust me. This spell is brand-new. Your aunt’s been trying to disturb things, and she’d use just about every trick in the book. You don’t need to worry about it—the spell doesn’t work unless the partners are more than willing. God knows she’s tried it on me for decades and I have yet to succumb.”

  She stared at him, unmoving. “Decades? You and Xan? Ew.”

  “Not me and Xan. I’ve never been interested. She likes men—surely you know that much. She likes men with power even more. The problem is, I see her a lot more clearly than she likes. I wouldn’t touch her with a ten-foot pole.”

  She glanced down at him. “That might be a bit of an exaggeration,” she murmured, and then clapped a hand over her mouth, horrified, and the satin sheet began to slip.

  “That’s the spell, you saucy creature. It relaxes inhibitions, and puts one’s libido into overdrive. But don’t worry—we can ignore it.”

  “We can?”

  “Of course. Singly we’re more than a match for Xantippe’s waning power. Together she doesn’t stand a chance. Though I think I like the idea of you being just the slightest bit raunchy.”

  “Let me build up to it,” she said faintly. “So what do we do?”

  “Talk?” he said, and laughed when he saw the expression on her face. “We can talk about how powerful you’ve become.”

  “I know,” she said, curling closer to him. “Isn’t it amazing?” She smiled to herself. “Maybe it’s because you’re such a good teacher.”

  He shook his head. “It was you, Lizzie. You had that power all the time. I don’t know why you weren’t using it.”
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br />   “We had to be so careful,” she said, relaxing into the sheet as it slipped farther down. “Always looking over our shoulders, making sure that nobody thought there was anything wrong with us, never calling attention to ourselves.” She pushed her hair out of her face as she looked at him. “No smoldering purple smoke coming out the windows, no green fog seeping out the doorway, no blue sparks shooting out the chimney. We just sat on ourselves all the time. I practically buried myself in that workroom.”

  “Buried yourself?” Elric said, grinning. “How tragic.””

  “We were good little girls,” Lizzie said primly, letting the sheet slip a little more. “And I was the best. And then you showed up.”

  “The big bad wolf.”

  “The big bad sorcerer,” Lizzie said. “And now I feel … unleashed!” She threw her arms open and the sheet dropped to her waist and Elric laughed and reached for her and she grabbed for the sheet again as he pulled her to him.

  “Xan’s spell must have made me do that,” she whispered, and he kissed her.

  “I don’t think so.”

  “I’m hungry,” she said.

  And he let her go and said, “Then eat something.” He saw the expression on her face, and laughed. “Not that, Lizzie! We’ll find something for dinner, and I’ll tell you about Spain, and just to prove how weak Xantippe is, I won’t even touch you.”

  “Okay,” she said, not necessarily pleased at the notion. “I’ll just take a shower. Alone,” she added, catching his eye. “If we’re going to circumvent Xan we need to avoid temptation. How long do these things usually last?”

  “It should be gone by dawn.”

  “We have to wait that long?” Lizzie wailed.

  “We don’t have to do anything …”

  “Never mind. I’ll take a shower and then cook us dinner.”

  “So will I,” Elric said. “A cold one. And I’m going to cook for you. Oysters. And strawberries, and champagne …”

  “Saltpeter,” she said firmly, clutching the sheet more tightly around her. If she jumped his bones, as she wanted to so desperately, then Xan would win. And she couldn’t let that happen.

  Her own shower didn’t do much good. The feel of the hot water beating down against her skin was an erotic stimulus, and she couldn’t wipe lascivious thoughts from her brain. She hadn’t had a chance to really use her mouth on him, and she was getting obsessed with the idea, fantasizing about it, her hands soaping between her legs—