The Healing Quilt

by Lauraine Snelling

  Several of them murmured amens and, wiping eyes, they sat back down at the quilt frame.

  I give up again, Lord. I can't fight anymore. Tonight I will write those Utters so that I can tell Beth I did it. Right now, please get me through this. Kit glanced up to see Elaine watching her. So you got prayed for too. Won'T hurt, you know. Instead of saying what she thought or running off to hide, which sounded like an extremely good idea, she nodded slightly and returned to the rhythm of rocking the needle in, pulling it and the thread through, rocking again, stitch by tiny stitch. No matter what was going on with the stitchers, the quilt had to be finished.

  THIRTY-NINE

  Bleary-eyed from the tears of the night before, Kit fumbled with the coffee maker. On a morning like this, instant coffee would be helpful. It just might wake her up enough to make real coffee.

  “Are you all right, Mom?” Ryan padded into the kitchen, Missy dancing along with him. Since he'd been home, the basset had taken to sleeping in his room. He scratched his chest and yawned, stretching his arms above his head.

  “I will be. Coffee by IV would help.”

  “You look like heck.”

  “Thank you so very much. Just what I needed to hear.” She braced herself on the counter, wishing the water would hurry and drip through the grounds she'd finally managed to get into the filter.

  “You want me to take Aunt Teza to her treatment? I'll be out there anyway.”

  “Come to think of it, I thought you were going to stay out there last night.”

  “I was, but since we ended up going to the late movie, I didn't want to wake her coming in.” When Kit glanced at him, he held up a hand. “Don't worry, I called her and told her I'd see her this morning.”

  “Sorry.” From day one she'd drummed into her children's heads the importance of calling to let people know of any change of plans. Good to know something took. Now if she'd only accomplished as much with their father. He'd not even responded to her last two e-mails, but then who was counting? Other than she?

  The machine beeped, and Kit grabbed the pot to fill two mugs. Drips from the filter sizzled on the hot plate.

  “Bit of a rush, eh?” Ryan grinned at her over the lip of his mug, while inhaling the steam. “Sure beats campus coffee. This year I'm buying a coffee maker for my room.”

  “There's an older one out in the garage you're welcome to take. It's smaller than this one.”

  “Thanks. Since when did you start drinking so much coffee?”

  Since I spent half the nights crying and needed something to get me going in the morning Otherwise the thought of staying in bed might have became a reality.

  “Mom?”

  “Hmm?” She turned to him.

  “Where did you go?”

  “What?”

  “Just now. You checked out. Where did you go?”

  “Slow reflexes.” Liar. Too bad, I'm not going to tell him things like that. He'll worry and than not necessary. “Are you serious about taking Teza to her appointment? Wouldn't she rather you were out in her garden?”

  “I can do both. You could go back to bed for a while.”

  “I look that bad, huh?” The coffee was beginning to revive her. Kit ambled over to the sliding glass door and looked out over the backyard where dew glistened in the pearlized light. The sun had yet to come over the trees and set the diamonds on fire. Missy's tracks through the dew-bent grass broadcast exactly where she'd been, and her yip announced that it was time to feed the dog. Kit heard Ryan pouring dry food into the dog dish. She opened the door, and a meadowlark welcomed the sun from the lower backyard. A dog barked two yards over, and Missy darted outside to listen better. She turned back when Ryan opened the screen door to set her dish on the deck.

  “Think after I bring Aunt Teza back here, I'll go get Thomas. He and Missy can play out at the farm.”

  “He's a good worker. He can help you too.”

  “Really?”

  “He pitted apricots with me, pulled weeds, planted radish and lettuce seeds. He likes gardening.”

  “He likes being with you. Shame about his mother.” Ryan plunked two pieces of bread in the toaster.

  “What about her?”

  “She left them a couple of years ago. They don't hear from her very often.”

  “How did you find that out?”

  “I asked.”

  “I didn't think it was my place to ask.”

  Ryan retrieved the milk carton from the fridge and poured it on his cereal. “Guy talk, Mom. No matter how good a ballplayer you are, you aint a guy.”

  “Gee, thanks for telling me.” She lifted the toast out, buttered it, and took half of one slice.

  “Hey, that's mine.”

  “Not anymore.” Coffee mug and toast in hand, Kit headed back upstairs. Back to bed. No, she was too wide awake now. How could she best use the gift of a couple of extra hours? She stuck the last bite of toast in her mouth, set her cup down on the table by the rocker and picked up her Bible along with the tablet she'd written the letter on the night before. Once ensconced in the wing-back rocker, she laid the Bible in her lap and began to read the letter.

  Dear God,

  This seems so foolish, since you already know what all has happened, and yet I promised, so here goes. Remember all those times I begged and pleaded and cried to you to heal Amber? I chimed every promise you wrote in your book, I did everything I could, and yet you let her die. I am so angry at you for that, I can't even think straight half the time. I want to scream at you and hit you and throw things. You let me down when you promised youd be therefor me always. God! How I hate you! I tried to run away, I shut you out, I quit going to church because it just hurts too much. My heart has such a hole in it that I dont think it will ever heal. Why, God, why? You dont need Amber like I do. And no, I dont want her here to suffer but to be all well again. I want to see her graduate from college. I want to hug her and hugh with her. I want to go out to lunch and talk on the phone with her. Father, her hugh is so infectious. I hve her so, and she's not here. I can't stand this. And Mark is gone, and you haven t fixed that either. Where are you now when I need you? I want to wake up in the morning to find this has all been a bad dream and I can go on with my life, the life I used to have, BC—before cancer. You know how much I hate that disease? In not fair. Amber did nothing wrong to have had that. She didnt smoke or drink or do drugs. She was a good kid, becoming a wonderful woman. And you dont need her like I do.

  As she had the night before, Kit wiped away her tears. The page wore tear dots, and some words were crossed out because she'd scribbled over them so much.

  I want to hate you, but you know I really dont. I feel like a little girl screaming I hate you at her mother, but somehow knowing what she needs the most is to be wrapped safe in her mothers arms. Thank you for not grabbing me up and shaking me like I know you could. David cried and ranted and raved at you too, and you still loved him. But how can I believe you love me when I hurt so badi can't make sense of things? I told you once that I'd helped my children live, and if necessary I'd help them die, but I didnt mean it. Did you hurt like this when your son died? How could you kt him die like that? I couldn't Ut my daughter die that others might be saved. I couldn't. But you did. And when he hung on the cross, you could have taken him right to heaven. But you didnt. God, how mighty are your ways. I dont understand. But thank you.

  Ah, my dear daughter, Kit, I have you, I love you, I love you…

  Kit remembered exactly how she'd written the words she heard and felt and knew so clearly. Words that lighted the room and her heart and poured out her pen. I love you filled the rest of the page.

  She leaned back against the cushion of the rocker, letting the tears flow unheeded and hearing the words again. I have you. Feeling them as one feels the thunderous music of a mighty organ, absorbing it through the soles of the feet, the palms of the hand, the face, ears, and mostly the heart. The beating heart where we connect with God and the mind where we live with and in
him. She laid a hand on her chest, feeling the steady beat of her heart beneath her palm. With every atom of her being, she knew he was there and she in his.

  Kit tore the pages from the pad and folded them to tuck them in her Bible for now. One day soon she would write a letter to Amber. When she could see straight again. She wiped her eyes with a tissue and let her Bible fall open on her lap, her gaze stopping at an underlined verse. “Come onto me all you who are heavy laden and I will give you rest.” She flipped to another page. “For God so loved the world…” As she'd learned in a Bible study years earlier, she put her name in and read it aloud. “For God so loved me, Kit Cooper, that he gave his only begotten son that when I believe in him, I have eternal life.”

  “So do I have to give you my daughter?” she asked.

  You already have.

  “And now I need to leave her there. Father, I have such a hard time giving you something and then leaving it there. I take it back and try to do it again. You know, this gets really tiresome.”

  “Come unto me all you who are heavy laden… ”

  “I hear you. And you will give me rest. I come and you give.” She sat awhile longer, feeling the same peace she'd felt the night before. It blanketed the room so she felt it on her skin and inhaled it when she breathed. It caressed her eyelids and made them heavy, her hands so they lay in her lap, palm up, fingers slightly cupped so they too could be filled with peace.

  When she awoke, the numbers on the clock read 8:00. “I never sleep in the chair.” She flew into the shower, catching herself singing an old spiritual, “my Lord, what a mornin’, my Lord what a mornin, my Lord what a mornin, gonna shout and sing all day.”

  “Ryan leaves today.” Teza clasped her hands in her lap. She'd just finished another session of radiation and with each one felt more nauseous and weary.

  “I know. I've certainly enjoyed having him home.” “Not that he's been there much. He took over out at my place, for which I am eternally grateful.” Teza scratched her head under her hat of many flowers. They'd cut short what hair she had left to make it easier for her to care for it.

  And how will we manage to do it all without him? Kit kept her thoughts to herself, knowing that Teza didn't need any more to worry about. As his mom, she'd wanted to take Ryan back to school herself, but between the farm and the quilt, she decided not to volunteer. He'd found a ride with a lovely young woman. Kit doubted he'd miss his mother.

  “Are you sure you want to quilt or would you rather—”

  “Quilting helps keep my mind off feeling crummy.”

  “Okay.” When they arrived at the house, Ryan had his bags packed and was waiting on the front porch.

  “So soon?” Kit sat down on the glider. “You got that load out of the dryer?”

  “Yes, Mother. And I washed my face and brushed my teeth, too. You want to check?”

  “Just doing my job.” She set the glider in motion with one foot. “Thanks for all your help with the picnic yesterday. It went well, I think.”

  “Thomas's father appreciated it the most. You'd think we'd given him a new car or something just because Thomas has been welcome at our house. He's such a neat kid. He told me he was going to come by after school this afternoon so you and Missy wouldn't be lonely.”

  “Good. Adam is such a nice man. I was thinking he might like to meet…”

  “Mother, no matchmaking allowed.”

  “Why not?” Teza chimed in. “Your mother's done a good job matchmaking through the years. Bringing people together is a time-honored vocation. Beats the personal ads in the newspapers and e-mail, that's for sure.”

  “Sorry. If she's so good at it, how come she never found anyone for you?”

  “I told her to keep her mitts off my love life or lack thereof. I had a husband. He was a good man, and I don't want to break in another. Takes too much time and effort to get ‘em trained right.”

  “Aunt Teza!” Ryan's shocked face made both women smile. He looked to the car stopping at the street. “My ride's here. You two behave yourselves now.” He leaned over to hug Teza. “See you at Christmas.”

  Kit stood and watched him whisper something in Teza's ear that made her smile. What a charmer he could be. When he hugged her, she fought the lump in her throat.

  “Dad will be coming home.”

  “How do you know?”

  “I asked him, just no idea when.”

  “Thanks. I love you.” She blinked back the tears. Good-byes had become increasingly harder since Amber died. Life changed in an instant, and she knew she had no control over it. “God bless and keep you.”

  “Why would he stop now?”

  “I know.” Oh, how well I know. But trusting him with the ones I love is still hard, not that I have too many options. I mean, like can I take care of you? Ha. She kissed his cheek and watched him grab his bags and head down the walk. Please, God, send lots of guardian angels to watch over him. Another car pulled up right behind the red convertible driven by a girl with long blond hair. The quilters were arriving.

  September passed one stitch at a time, and each day the quilt came closer to completion. Teza finished her radiation treatments, had another chemo session, and prepared for her surgery on October second. In their spare time, she and Kit put the farm to bed for the winter, picking the last of the apples and packing them in boxes to be sold along with the pumpkins and squash. Come October, school children would arrive in busloads to choose and buy their pumpkins, but this year Vinnie, not Teza, would dress as the scarecrow.

  Thomas and Kelly went to the same school and cemented their friendship that started on the Fourth of July. Kit sewed his Halloween costume early, a huge M&M from blue felt, his choice. His sister promised to paint his face to match.

  Beth got into the hat-making business and began to take orders from other places as people heard about her cancer hats. She could hardly keep them in stock at the hospital gift shop.

  Elaine had all her minions busy on the Spring Gala, which included the quilt auction. She'd even scheduled a regional television personality to be the mistress of ceremonies and to entertain that night. April promised to be both exciting and beyond busy in Jefferson City.

  Mark and Kit e-mailed regularly and talked on the phone at least once a week. But Kit never pressed him for a return date, and he never volunteered.

  “Today, September thirtieth, we put the binding on.” Kit stared at the quilt nearly completed. “All those stitches, hard to imagine we got it done on time.”

  “Just look at our fingers and all the calluses, and you'll know we did it.” Sue raised her hands so the others did the same.

  “We're going to quilt along the binding, too, after we sew it on, aren't we?” Elaine studied the royal blue bias strips. “I hate mitering corners on both sides of the quilt. One side is bad enough. I don't even do that on my pillows.”

  “We don't have to miter both sides. The top can be flat.” Elsie Mae measured one side of the quilt and then the other. “Came out real square, didn't it?”

  “However, mitering the corners is the kind of finish a fifty thousand dollar quilt deserves.” Elaine folded the bias strip in place to see how it looked.

  “Fifty thousand dollars! Wherever did you get such an idea?”

  “You have to set goals, and since this is for such a worthy cause, we need to set our goal high enough to be worthwhile.”

  “And here I thought fifteen thousand was stretching it.” Like the others, Kit looked at Elaine as if she'd just sprouted daisies through her perfectly coifed hair.

  “Whatever. Let's get on with binding it.” Teza sat down in the corner chair. “Kit, you start pinning it right about here, and we'll run it around to make sure none of the binding seams hit on a corner.” They did as she said, shifted to move one seam, and laid the right side of the binding to the top of the quilt, cut edges even. “Usually I sew this with the machine, but since Kit already basted and trimmed the edges, we'll just stitch it in place by hand.” Once the
binding was pinned, they each took up their place and stitched a half-inch seam.

  “Where's this masterpiece goin to hang?”

  “First, you mean?” Elaine looked up from checking to make sure she was stitching clear through all four layers. “In the entry to the hospital, then in the lobby of the First Independent Bank, then the Rainier Building. As you come in the door, it'll be the first thing you'll see. She closed her eyes to remember better. “Then Pacific Bank, that's. She counted on her fingers. “Four. The Steak House in February is five, then back to First Independent in March. I'm just hoping they all like it so much they bid each other up. Oh, I forgot. It will be out at the Golf Club in April until the Gala.”

  “Did you have to twist their arms or something?”

  “No, as a matter of fact, I had to turn two places down. Their security wasn't good enough.”

  “Security for a quilt?” Teza stopped stitching and smoothed her hand over the surface. “Quilts are supposed to comfort, to keep people warm on a winter night. Hanging on a big wall with lights shining on it just doesn't seem proper.”

  “You can bet that whoever buys it will use it for advertising purposes. That's how it should be, if we can get the money we need from it.” Since she was sitting next to Teza, Elaine clipped off her thread too, since both sections were now finished.

  Elsie Mae looked over at Teza, who was sitting with her eyes closed. “How about if I give you a Healing Touch treatment while we wait for the binding to be finished?”

  “Oh, that sounds heavenly. You make me feel guilty with the good care you give me.”

  “Well, I thought this might help prepare you for your surgery. The more relaxed you are, the easier it will be on everyone.”

  “Once in a while I feel myself getting a bit anxious, so I just picture myself in Gods mighty arms where nothing can touch me, and it goes right away.”