Howl

by Karen Hood-Caddy

  Robin pulled on her jacket and walked quickly along the trodden path to the house. She told herself she’d find him examining some farm relic or ice formation. That was Squirm. But what if that wasn’t the case this time? What if something bad had happened? If there was one realization the last year had cut into her awareness, it was that bad things not only could happen, they did happen. Even when you begged them not to.

  She quickened her pace, and when she got to the house she pushed open the door and yelled his name. No answer. She kicked off her boots and took the stairs in sets of two. He’d already started decorating his room. There were pictures of spiders and bugs on the walls, and on the floor he’d lined up his teddy bear collection. Beside that was his ant farm. Even from the doorway, she could see the ants crawling inside the glass enclosure. They might have been crawling all over her skin the way they made her feel.

  She was about to leave when she saw something yellow stuffed under Squirm’s pillow. Is that what I think it is? She inched forward as if expecting the floor to give way beneath her. When she was close, she reached forward and touched it. Her chest swelled. It was one of her mother’s old T-shirts.

  She yearned to bring it to her face and smell it but stopped herself. She tensed her muscles as she knew how to do and pushed the shirt away. Then she saw the photograph. Her eyes sank down into her mother’s face before she could stop them. Her body careened forward as if it might just be able to fall into the photograph and be with her mom. Her chest flooded with emotion and pain. She pushed the photo away and ran from the room.

  Back at Griff’s, she flew through the door. He’d be there, she was sure of it. He’d roll his eyes at her worry as he did every other time she got panicky about him. But the cabin was empty. She ran back outside. Where could he be? Chasing animals? She scanned the fields. He must be out there somewhere. She stepped off the hardened path and plunged into snow so deep, it was up to her armpits. She dragged herself back to the path, returned to Griff’s and strapped on some snowshoes. Robin felt as if she were walking with each foot in a garbage can lid, but they kept her from sinking, so she went down near the lake. It was impossible with all the snow to tell where the waterline started, so she stayed well back. Relentless followed in her tracks.

  She scanned the lake. To her immense relief, there was no sign of Squirm. She couldn’t see Griff either. Where had they gone? Making sure she didn’t go further out than she thought the shore was, she moved towards the point.

  Snow pelted her face, but she trudged on. When she reached the point, she stopped and rotated her body one way and then the other, surveying the lake. Wait a minute. Something was out there. On the ice. The thin ice. Fear squeezed her chest, making it hard to breathe. Squinting, she strained forward. It was difficult to see through the blowing snow, but she could make out a figure. Squirm?

  No, it was too short to be Squirm. Then it moved. It was a dog, a large black dog. It was running across the ice. Not wanting Relentless to follow suit, Robin turned. Relentless? She wasn’t behind her.

  Oh no! That was Relentless out there!

  Stabbed with dread, she cupped her hands at the sides of her mouth and began shouting as loud as she could.

  “Relentless! Come! Come here. Now! ”

  Relentless sniffed the ice, investigating some interesting smell, but made no move to return to Robin’s side.

  Robin yelled louder, making her voice sound really stern. “Relentless! Come! That’s a bad dog. A bad dog! Come! ”

  A crack raced like jagged lightning across the ice. The crack went just to the left of Relentless’s paws, and she looked up, alarmed. As she did, the ice caved in under her, and she plunged into the cold water.

  Robin’s hand flew to her mouth. “No!”

  Relentless pawed the water, splashing helplessly as she tried to get her legs up on the ice, but the ice kept breaking, making the hole bigger. She tried over and over to get a grip, howling every time she splashed back into the freezing water.

  On shore, Robin paced furiously. Relentless was drowning! Drowning! She had to do something. And do something fast. But what? If she went out on the ice herself, she’d fall through too! Then she would drown. Blood pounded in her chest. She felt as if she were going to explode. Never had she been so afraid.

  She dropped her face into her cold mittens. The nuggets of ice on the wool bit into her face, but she didn’t care. The memory had come for her. And when it did, everything else disappeared.

  She was in the water, sinking, helplessly sinking, going down. And down. And down. Her lungs screamed for air. She gulped and sputtered as she tried to claw her way to the surface, but her body was falling through the water as heavy as a stone. Water gushed into her nose and mouth. Then all became black.

  Chapter

  Four

  A hand grabbed her and pulled her up. A huge hand.

  “Griff!” Robin panted. “Relentless! She fell through the ice, she —”

  “So that’s what all the yowling’s about!”

  Robin pointed through the blizzard, and Griff strained forward. “Right you are. Let’s just hope Squirm wasn’t out there with her.”

  Robin stared at Griff, paralyzed by the thought.

  Griff began to stride off. “Come on. Let’s get some rope.”

  Robin’s legs wouldn’t move. Was Griff going to make her go on the ice?

  Griff turned and put her big hands on Robin’s shoulders. Her face was so close, Robin could feel the warmth of her grandmother’s breath on her cheek.

  “I know you’re afraid,” Griff said. “But help anyways. I can’t pull the dog out by myself.” She bounded away, yanking the rope she used as a clothesline as she went.

  Robin chased after her, teeth chattering. “But what, what if you go in too?”

  “Just hold the rope,” Griff said firmly. “I’ll take care of the rest.” She wrapped the rope once, then twice around her own waist. She coiled the other end around Robin and positioned her behind a rock on the shore. Robin could hear Relentless howling in the background.

  “Lean against the rock and hold on tight!”

  “But what if I can’t?” Robin cried. Her face was hot and wet, and she smeared her coat sleeve across it. If Griff fell in, and she let go of the rope, Griff would die too!

  Griff’s eyes bored into hers. “You can do this. I know you can.”

  Robin crunched down and pressed her body as hard as she could into the rock. When she felt she was in the strongest position she could manage, she peeked over the top of the rock and watched as Griff lay down, splaying her arms and legs wide to spread out her weight, and began to inch out onto the ice.

  Relentless was several feet away and still thrashing, but in a slow, exhausted way. She had sunk deeper into the black hole, and now the freezing water was just below her ears.

  Robin gripped the rope as tight as she could and leaned back, tensing her whole body so she’d be prepared if there was a sudden tug. Her jacket had ridden up, and the snow was biting into her skin just above her pant waist. The coldness of it hurt like crazy, but she knew she couldn’t let go of the rope to pull her coat down, even for a second.

  She could hear Griff talking to Relentless.

  “I’m coming, sweetheart. Don’t you worry. I’ll be there any minute now. Don’t you go drowning on me. That’s a good girl.”

  Slowly, very slowly, moving centimeter by centimeter, Griff neared the hole in the ice. Robin knew that this was where the ice would be thinnest. This was where another hunk of it could break off, plunging her grandmother into the deathly cold water. Robin would have to watch both of them die. And it would all be her fault.

  “Tighten the rope!” Griff shouted.

  Robin heaved herself to standing and yanked her body to make the rope even more taut. Then she braced her snowshoes on the rock for support. Every cell in her body was screaming. Hold on. Please.

  Snow lashed her face. The snow was so dense, she couldn’t see Griff any more
, so she closed her eyes and started counting. When she’d counted to sixty, she started all over again. She was at thirty-five when she heard a loud crack. Had Griff fallen in? She felt something warm and wet trickle between her legs. She couldn’t have stopped the pee if she’d tried.

  The snow let up for a moment, and Robin strained to see what had happened. To her huge relief, she saw her grandmother still lying face down on the ice, almost right beside the hole now. Robin bit her lip as she watched Griff reach out with her hand. Robin closed her eyes but opened them again just as Griff grabbed the dog’s collar. In one huge tug, Griff pulled Relentless out.

  A loud cheer whooped from Robin’s mouth.

  Relentless yelped and leapt into the air happily, as if it had all been a game.

  Griff edged herself back to solid ground and stiffly pulled herself to standing. Relentless came bounding towards her. The dog shook, spraying ice water all over her.

  “You’re welcome.” Griff grinned and began gathering up the rope.

  Robin fell to her knees and hugged her dog. Relentless licked her face with her warm tongue.

  “I’d lick your face too if I were a dog,” Griff said. “You were very brave.”

  Robin shook her head. She hadn’t been brave at all. In fact, she’d been so scared, she’d peed in her pants. It didn’t get much worse than that.

  “It’s easy to do brave things when you aren’t scared. But you were scared. That’s courage, my girl. Real courage.” Griff hugged her hard.

  Robin went rigid. She couldn’t, wouldn’t, let her grandmother comfort her. She’d been a wuss. A complete wuss.

  Chapter

  Five

  The wind pushed against them as they trekked back to Griff’s cabin. Robin had to tuck her head down and lean forward to make any progress. She had taken off the snowshoes, but her pee-soaked pants had stiffened in the cold and it was difficult to walk, but she didn’t care. Relentless was wagging her tail at her side. Now all they had to do was find Squirm.

  “Must be all this global warming,” Griff said. “The lake isn’t freezing like it did in the old days. Used to be you could drive a truck across it all winter long. Now, seems like every year some bozo on a snowmobile breaks through and drowns. Even in the dead of winter. But heavens, it’s almost the end of March. It’s never safe this time of year. Anyways, I’m telling you all this ’cause I want you to know that being scared of going through the ice is nothing to be ashamed about. In fact, it’s kind of smart.”

  “It’s not just ice, it’s —” Robin felt her throat swell, and no other words could get through.

  “The water? You’re afraid of water? Is that what you’re saying? But the last time you were here, my goodness, you swam like a fish! What happened?”

  Robin’s throat hurt. There was no way she could talk.

  Griff was quiet. “Everyone gets afraid sometimes. Even me. Maybe in the summer, you and I can go into the water together. Swimming’s too lovely a thing to miss out on.”

  Robin’s shame gagged her into silence. Lately, fear seemed to be tying her up like a hostage more and more.

  “Relentless can teach you to dog paddle,” Griff said. “Did you know that Black Labs were bred for cold water? That’s why they have webbed feet. And such thick fur. They were bred to rescue sailors who went overboard.”

  At the cabin now, Griff pushed open the door to let Robin go in first. “I’ll get you something to change into.”

  Squirm rushed towards them. “Where were you guys? I’ve been waiting here for ages!”

  “Looking for you, to start with,” Griff said.

  “Sorry,” Squirm said. “When I went to get the milk, I saw a deer and chased him for a bit.” He looked at Griff apologetically. “Milk’s in the fridge.”

  Griff passed Robin some flannel pajama bottoms as Relentless plunked herself down beside Squirm.

  “Hey, how come she’s so wet? She’s sopping.”

  Robin moved to the other end of the cabin to change and let Griff explain.

  “She went for a swim.” Griff knelt beside Relentless and began towelling her down. “You two sure gave this dog the right name. She is relentless.” When the towel had absorbed as much water as it could, she put it aside and handed Squirm a dry one. “She just didn’t give up, did you, girl?”

  As Squirm rubbed Relentless with the towel, Griff stoked the woodstove. “Goodness, that tuckered me right out. I need some sustenance.” She heated up some soup and when it was ready, the three of them sipped it out of mugs and ate crackers from a box as they sat on the floor.

  Squirm handed a cracker to Relentless, but she turned her head away. Squirm looked grim. “What’s the matter, girl, aren’t you hungry?”

  Relentless started to pant.

  Robin’s eyes flew to Griff. “How come she’s breathing like that?”

  The skin on Griff’s face became as wrinkled as a brown paper lunch bag. She let out a long breath. “I think she’s going to have her puppies!”

  Squirm’s eyes widened. “Right now? But they’re not supposed to come yet.”

  “All that cold water’s probably throwing her into an early labour.” The lines on Griff’s face deepened.

  Robin’s stomach churned with anxiety. “Will the puppies be okay?”

  “I don’t know,” Griff said, walking towards the phone. “I think we’d better call your father. What’s your dad’s cell number?”

  Robin called it out. “But he never has it on.”

  After letting it ring for a long time, Griff turned to Squirm. “Go up to the house, will you? And leave your dad a note. Tell him to come the second he gets home.”

  Squirm ran out, and Griff began boiling water and assembling towels. They made a makeshift bed for Relentless and coaxed her onto it.

  Squirm came back in, snowflakes covering his head.

  “Is it ever snowing out there!” He sat down beside them. “So, how come Relentless went swimming?”

  Griff told Squirm about Relentless falling through the ice and how she and Robin had pulled the dog out.

  “Weren’t you scared?” Squirm asked, looking from one to the other.

  Griff swatted the air. “A bit. But I was roped to Robin — I knew I was safe.” She smiled at Robin and rubbed the dog’s back. Relentless kept changing her position, as if she couldn’t get comfortable. She started panting again.

  “It’s okay, girl. It’s okay,” Robin whispered over and over, but what if it wasn’t?

  Hours passed as they hovered around the distressed dog.

  “Look at how swollen her vulva is,” Griff finally said.

  Robin had heard the word “vulva” before but wasn’t sure what it did or where it was, but she could see an area near the dog’s tail which was pink and bulging.

  “I’d say those puppies are coming through any moment.”

  “But what if it’s too soon?” Robin asked.

  Griff patted her face gently. “Just leave the ‘what ifs’ out for now, okay? They’ll make us both worry.”

  Robin blushed. She hated being reprimanded.

  Squirm pointed to the dog’s tail. “Oh, no — look, she’s having a poo.”

  A dark mass ballooned out of a small opening at Relentless’s rear.

  “That’s a puppy,” Griff said. “That’s how they come out, wrapped in a little bag.”

  Relentless began licking the outside skin on the pouch then nipped it with her teeth. It tore like cling-wrap and she was able to lick off the rest of the covering. Inside was a tiny baby dog. It was only a few inches long and had a pink head and four pink paws. Its eyes were closed, and it was making barely audible mewing sounds and moving its head in a wobbly, drunken kind of way.

  Squirm pointed to the string attaching the puppy to Relentless. “What’s that?”

  “The umbilical cord,” Griff said, smiling. “You had one attached to your mom too, but the doctor cut it off.” Relentless quickly chewed through the cord. “He just doesn’t do
it with his teeth like Relentless!” Squirm laughed, and Griff arranged the tiny puppy so it was close to one of Relentless’s nipples. The puppy made a deep, guttural sound as it began to suck. “I thought that’s what this little fellow was looking for.”

  The new puppy suckled for a few moments then nodded off, asleep at the task. A while later, a second bulge appeared, and soon another puppy was deposited on the bed of towels. “Here, Robin, you hold the first one, and I’ll take care of the second.” Griff lifted the first puppy and put it on a towel in Robin’s lap.

  Robin felt a rush of air go into her lungs as she held the puppy. She felt almost weightless, as if she’d suddenly been filled with a dozen coloured balloons and might simply float off the ground. She stared at the puppy. Never had she seen anything so tiny and adorable. Could something that small live?

  When the third puppy started to arrive, Griff gave the second one to Squirm.

  “Wow,” he said in a quiet, awed voice. He cradled it and stroked it gently with the tip of his finger.

  Over the next few hours, Relentless delivered four more babies. More time passed, and they waited for the rest of the puppies to arrive. None came.

  “I just know there are more in there,” Griff said as she stroked the dog,

  Relentless began to whine and whimper.

  Robin looked at Griff. The deep lines on her grandmother’s face seemed to be all tangled up.

  “Is she going to be okay?” Robin asked.

  “I’d like to say yes, but I really don’t know,” Griff said. “The poor thing is utterly exhausted.”

  Robin winced. When her mom had been sick, everyone always said she was going to get better. When she didn’t, Robin had felt utterly betrayed. But now, for the first time, she understood why people had said what they did. Sometimes the truth was just too hard to bear. Yet still, she was glad Griff had told her the truth.

  “Sure wish Dad would get here,” Squirm said as they waited.

  It seemed to Robin as if hours had passed when there was a sudden burst of cold air and the sound of a door shutting.