The Daughter He Never Knew

by Linda Barrett

  “I’m glad, too.” Laura’s happiness was so well deserved; she and Matt were so perfect for each other. The phrase stopped her. Perfect for each other.

  The words echoed in her mind after she’d hung up the phone. Her mother thought Lila and Adam were perfect for each other. And until last night, Lila had thought so, too. She idly wondered how Maggie would feel to know her future son-in-law needed time away from the Sullivans. Lila, while surprised and a little hurt, couldn’t hold it against him. Not everyone was cut out to be a part of large, noisy groups. Not everyone reveled in the tumult the way Laura Parker did. The way Maggie Sullivan did. No, Adam’s feeling about the noisy family wasn’t really at the heart of her discontent.

  She rested her head in her hands and stared unseeingly at her paperwork. What had changed? What was wrong with her? A week ago, she hadn’t a cloud in her sky, but ever since Jason had come home…

  She slapped the desk. Jason. He was the root of this malaise. He was the only new variable in her life. Her usual confidence returned as the thought jelled. Identifying the target for her anxiety meant she could do something about it.

  LILA DROVE NORTH on Beach Street, quizzing herself on who lived in which house—she really should know them all—until she arrived at the Parker home. Laura and Matt’s new house was a two-story, natural-shingled affair at the end of the four-mile stretch of beach heading toward the Point. Bart would say that the Point was the fingernail of the peninsula pointing toward Boston. To Lila, the “fingernail” looked more like the heel of an upside-down boot when she viewed it on a map, but she didn’t argue with her grandfather.

  For his wife’s happiness, Matt had literally moved the earth to build this house. And now Laura could start every day with a run on Pilgrim Beach. Early morning runs had helped the woman put her life back together after her bout with breast cancer, and she’d kept up the activity.

  Lila pulled up in front of the house and made her way down the driveway to the side door. She knocked, called Laura’s name and let herself into the mudroom. Three steps later, she was in the large country kitchen, with Laura approaching and greeting her from the hallway entrance.

  “The kids are in the music room,” she said waving behind her. “Great idea putting it on the opposite side of the house. I swear, we have enough instruments for our own band.”

  Lila chuckled. “Did Katie behave herself?”

  “She was too busy not to.” Laura walked to the table and pointed to Katie’s books. “The dictionary project… Take a look.”

  The tone of the other woman’s voice raised Lila’s curiosity, and she opened Katie’s three-ring binder. On the top line of the first page was the title “Lila’s Song.” Beneath that were listed several words with definitions laboriously printed in Katie’s large writing. Ledge, pledge, dunes, haunts, aching…lover.

  “Lover?” whispered Lila, glancing at Laura, then down at the entry. Lover: a person in love, esp. A man in love with a woman.

  “Brian stopped her there,” said Laura. “Before Webster’s got to more intricate definitions. Paramour was fourth, I think.” Laura’s chuckle rubbed Lila’s nerves.

  She started to pace. “Damn it! Why did he write that stupid song?” She tilted her head toward the music room where the kids were. “You know Katie. She gets an idea and doesn’t let go. And I’ll have to deal with it.”

  Before Laura could reply, footsteps preceded Katie’s entrance into the kitchen. “Mommy! Come hear what Casey and I figured out. Come on, come on.” Twirling like a ballerina, she disappeared again.

  “Forewarned is forearmed,” murmured Lila following her daughter. She looked back at Laura who’d remained at the table. “Oh, no. You’re coming, too.”

  Laura joined her immediately. “I wouldn’t miss it.”

  Katie’s eyes shone when the two women stood in the doorway. “Oh, wait till you hear how we do Daddy’s song. We’re doing an introduction and everything.”

  Brian looked at the women and sighed. “We just took it from the radio. No big deal.” He looked at Laura. “Mom, we’ve got to get the CD as soon as it’s released. Luis Torres is the man. It’s gonna fly off the shelves.”

  “Not to mention your uncle writing three of the songs,” replied Laura. “Of course we will.”

  “Three?” asked Lila, turning toward the other woman.

  “Yes,” Laura replied, drawing out the word. “Lila, honey,” she said, taking Lila’s hand and squeezing it. “Isn’t it amazing? Jason’s doing so well. He’s writing for the best in the business now. He’s got a serious career going. Not that I know much about the music world.”

  Jason and a serious career. Lila had to think about that. Jared was the one who’d wanted the big music career. Not Jason. And she’d been glad. Despite the tension…. No, she wouldn’t go there. She thought instead of the bits and pieces of conversations, the song by Luis Torres and the rental of the piano, and how all of that still hadn’t added up in Lila’s mind to a long-term career. A serious career writing for truly big names.

  “Mom, are you ready?”

  Lila nodded and watched Katie and Casey take their usual places next to each other in front of the piano. Brian stood behind them, flute in hand. But there were no notes to read. Only the sheet of paper with the printed verses leaned on the piano above the keyboard.

  The introduction was simply the last line of the chorus, but Lila found herself listening. She made her way to a chair, sat down and concentrated. She heard Katie and Casey play together, four small hands making a large sound. She heard their soprano voices blending sweetly. But it wasn’t until Brian played alone on his flute, capturing the essence of the song as clearly and soulfully as a nightingale, that she felt the power of the music. She felt it for the first time since she’d heard “At the Water’s Edge” on the radio one week ago.

  When the children finished, she couldn’t move. Laura sat quietly, too, for a moment, and then started calling, “Bravo, bravo.” Lila began applauding and adding her voice.

  A twinge of guilt assailed her when she realized how she’d taken Katie’s talent for granted. Hadn’t really wanted to acknowledge it as a major part of her life. Left it to Sam and Matt without ever getting involved. She blushed to realize she’d rarely thanked them. She’d taken their love for Katie and their involvement in her daughter’s life for granted, as well.

  It wasn’t Katie, however, who caught her attention then. It was Brian. He walked over to his mother, and glanced shyly at Lila. He pulled Laura’s hand. “Come here a minute, Mom.”

  Laura stood and followed him a few steps. “What’s up?”

  “That song,” whispered Brian.

  Lila hid a smile. Brian’s excitement had made the twelve-year-old’s whisper audible to the room.

  “What about the song?” asked Laura.

  “I know what it means now. I think he loves her. I think Uncle Jason loves Aunt Lila.”

  The breath whooshed out of Lila’s lungs. Could Brian’s interpretation be true? Then she remembered that Jason’s version of love was that of an eighteen-year-old trying to pick up where they’d left off.

  A door slammed in the near distance. “Anybody home?”

  Lila’s stomach plummeted to the floor. Jason’s voice. She glanced at her daughter, who was staring at her with eyes open wide. Curious eyes. Questioning eyes. Eyes filling with wonder, then hope.

  “In here,” Laura called as she stepped to the door. Lila saw her pivot back to Brian and whisper, “Drop the topic.”

  Another door sounded, a car door this time followed by a second and third male voice calling out. And suddenly the room was filled with people. Talking, laughing. Low male tones and higher female ones. Squealing children. Family reconnecting at the end of the day.

  Lila wasn’t part of this family. Not technically. For the first time in years, that truth pricked her senses. She stood and inched her way toward the door, while watching Jason stride directly to Katie. He picked her up with sure hands
and swung her around, while she clung to him in delight.

  Matt hugged his boys, kissed Laura. And Sam grinned from ear to ear. “This is what I love the most,” said Sam to the room in general. “The whole fam-damily enjoying each other. The noisier, the better. As long as we’re together.”

  This should have been her life. And Katie’s life. A happy life. A secure life. Where the whole world could go to hell and it wouldn’t matter. Nothing would matter because within that family circle, the love she and Jason had for each other would transcend anything. Even the guilt they’d accepted for Jared’s death on that awful night. The guilt she didn’t dwell on.

  Disappointment slapped her anew. All her hopes and dreams—gone. The deep love she’d given Jason, destroyed by him. Anger choked her. She couldn’t kid herself anymore. Not when his presence was turning her inside-out every day he remained in Pilgrim Cove.

  Jason Parker had been the love of her life. They’d been a couple. And no one had questioned it. Not their families. Not their friends. They’d laughed together. Dreamed together. Made plans together. And made love together. Had a child together.

  As she stared at him now, she allowed herself to remember it all. A kaleidoscope of pictures and feelings, vibrant and wonderful, teased her mind—and began tearing her into little pieces. Until the only person she saw in the room was Jason.

  “I gave you my heart,” she cried at him. “And my soul. And you didn’t give a damn!”

  CHAPTER NINE

  LILA RAN THROUGH the family room, through the kitchen to the mudroom. Her hand was on the door when she was caught by two strong arms around her waist. She twisted against them, tried to reach for the knob.

  “You’re wrong, Lila,” said Jason. “But let’s take this outside, away from the family.” He relaxed his grip for a moment to open the door, and she pulled away and flew down the driveway toward the beach. He caught up to her—to her annoyance—but didn’t stop her. Didn’t touch her. Simply ran beside her. If she veered to the left, so did he. If she changed direction, he stuck close.

  She ran down the thirty-foot ridge to the dunes, kicking her shoes off along the way. Amazingly, the farther she ran, the more vigorous she felt. Strong and eager for a confrontation.

  They reached the dunes and the natural beach, where seagrass grew in tufts at nature’s whim. The sand was hard-packed here from the tidal wash and felt cool under Lila’s feet. The Atlantic loomed ahead of them, the bluff blocked them from behind. There was nowhere else to run.

  But she was ready to challenge him. She spun toward Jason, her breath coming fast, her blood racing.

  “If it weren’t for Katie,” she said, “maybe I could have forgotten. Maybe I could have started over. Made new memories with someone else.” She gulped a big breath. “But I couldn’t do that because every time I looked at our daughter, I saw you. I thought of you.”

  “What?” he asked, his face incredulous—a comical picture of disbelief. “Have you looked in the mirror?”

  She snapped her hand at him, impatient. “Don’t you see the way she moves, how she walks, her self-confidence, her sense of humor? A dozen times a day, I’d think—my God, that’s just the way Jason juts out his chin. Or, that swagger is just like Jason’s.” She paused a moment. “She wasn’t even two years old when your dad sat her at the piano. The instrument’s been an extension of her ever since.”

  She raised her eyes to his and saw the grief. “I couldn’t forget you, Jason. And I tried so hard.” She started to laugh, but the sound was heavy. “Just to satisfy my mother, I went out on a few dates every year after your message came.”

  He winced. “I mailed that during my worst time. Did I just say, ‘Forget about me?’ I can’t remember.”

  She nodded. “That and, ‘Get on with your life.’” His terse note was etched in her memory.

  “So you did—get on with your life. And eventually you hooked up with Fielding.” A statement.

  “That’s right.”

  He reached for her hand. “Come on. Let’s walk for a minute.”

  She glanced at her watch. “That’s about all the time I have.” But she allowed him to take her hand, intertwine fingers like they used to with his thumb stroking the top of hers. So familiar. So good. And such a mistake.

  “Adam Fielding…” began Jason as they strolled a few steps.

  “What about him?” Suspicion laced her voice.

  “Nice enough guy, Lila. But he’s not the one for you.”

  “Wha—” He gave her no chance to reply. Suddenly, she was in Jason’s arms, her mouth covered firmly by his. Firmly, but gently, he tasted her, explored her, finding his way again. His touch—so familiar. And when she inhaled his familiar scent of spice and man, her senses exploded. She burned. She ached. And she responded, returning every kiss.

  After years of sleepwalking, she was alive again. Jason’s touch was a lit match against dry wood. The flame burst to life, and she spiraled skyward amid a potpourri of bright color twirling in patterns she’d never seen before. She couldn’t think. Couldn’t plan. She simply fell into his kiss, deeper and deeper. Into his embrace, her arms latching around his neck until she didn’t know where she ended and Jason began.

  Just like in the old days, they were as one.

  But the old days were gone. Lila jerked back, and Jason released her. She heard his raspy breath. When she looked at him, his dark eyes glowed with want. And with satisfaction.

  “Do you see what I mean?” he asked. “Why you can’t marry Fielding.”

  “I have to leave.”

  He shook his head. “No. No more running away. For either of us.”

  He had a point, but she wanted to ignore it.

  “Face facts, Lila.” He spoke directly, but his voice was kind. “You can’t marry Fielding when your kisses are for me. What kind of marriage would you have?”

  “That’s none of your concern.”

  He tipped her chin up toward him, stroked her jaw. “Of course it’s my concern.” His eyes softened, their deep sable color warm and rich, reawakening other memories, and her heart thumped in double time.

  “I love you, Lila,” he said. “I always have. I never stopped loving you, no matter what you might think. Through all the years. Through all my bad times.” His words fell away, and he studied her. “My guilt about Jared almost killed me, Lila. I couldn’t stop blaming myself, and I tried to ease the pain in the wrong way.”

  She felt her mouth open in surprise. “What do you mean?”

  He placed a gentle finger over her lips. “Another time, sweetheart. I just want you to know that you were with me—always—in here.” He pointed to his head. “And in here.” His heart. “I love you, Lila. Always have. Always will.”

  Her tears flowed then. “I believe you,” she whispered, but shook her head quickly when she saw his smile. “But love is not enough. You hurt me terribly, and I can’t take another chance. I may not survive the second time around.”

  IF SHE WAS QUIETER than usual that evening when they took the girls for pizza, Adam didn’t seem to notice. Lila was relieved but not surprised, not when Katie and Sara were chattering away beside them in a booth at Three P’s Pizza on Main Street. Not when the place was busy with a dinnertime family crowd.

  The door opened and a chorus of “Hi, Benny,” and “We won,” resounded in the air. An older girls’ softball team automatically lined up in front of the proprietor to the side of the counter as if they’d done it many times before.

  “I’m going to play on that big girls’ team when I’m older,” said Sara, her eyes shining.

  Adam beamed at his daughter.

  “Not me!” said Katie with such certainty that Lila was surprised.

  “I thought you loved your baseball team,” Lila said.

  “Yup.” The child nodded, lifting a slice of pepperoni pizza. “Baseball. Not softball. I want to play baseball with Casey and the boys on our team.”

  “Girls don’t play baseball,” said Sara
matter-of-factly.

  “Yes, they do!” responded Katie. “And I’m going to play. Girls can do anything boys do. Daddy said we live in an age of eq-eq— We’re equal! So there.”

  Animated. So alive. Lila bent down and kissed her daughter. “You can do whatever you want, sweetheart. As long as you work hard at it.”

  “And you know what else?” asked Katie. “When I get big, I’m going to write songs just like Daddy. I’ll write one for you, too, Mommy. But not sad, mushy stuff. Won’t that be fun?”

  Motormouth Katie. Lila glanced at Adam and shrugged in apology.

  Adam held her gaze, his expression thoughtful, but he smiled. “Her dad sure seems to have made an impression.” He looked from one child to the other, then back at Lila. “I guess our little adoption plan won’t work anymore, now that Katie’s father has shown up in the flesh.”

  Jason’s image flashed through her mind. The love he had for Katie. His pride in her. No way in the world would he allow Adam to adopt his daughter. Adam had volunteered in order to strengthen family ties after he and Lila were married. For Katie’s sake, he’d said, because she’d never known a father and he wanted her to feel secure. He also wanted Sara to have a real sister.

  “I’m afraid life is never tidy,” said Lila to her fiancé. “It’s messy. We think we can wrap pieces of it in neat packages, but I’m learning that it doesn’t work. Things always change.”

  “And then we deal with it and go forward,” he said in a strong tone as he clasped her hand firmly. “Have you thought about a date yet?”

  She glanced at his earnest expression. A whisper of concern in his eyes.

  Before she could respond, Sara interrupted. “We got another dog today. No one wanted him. He was too skinny and he had worms. But Daddy took care of him, and now he’s eating, and he’s going to get better.” Her eyes shone as she looked around the table. “You know what? When I grow up, I’m going to be a vet with my dad. And I’ll find homes for all the dogs and kittens.”