Fetal Bait Apocalypse: 3 Collections in 1

by Joel Arnold

  “I saw a dead man.”

  Patchouli stared at her. “What? You sure?”

  She nodded.

  Patchouli nodded toward the forest. “Up there?”

  “Yes.”

  He slowly stood, his knees popping, and cautiously walked up the slight incline. “I’m not seeing anything. You’re sure about this?”

  She swallowed. “I don’t know. I thought—”

  “It wasn’t a fallen log or something like that? I mean it’s pretty creepy here. I’d probably be seeing shit like that, too.”

  Ann didn’t answer. Maybe.

  Maybe.

  But no.

  She saw the body clearly in her mind. There one moment, then gone.

  “I hate to say this,” Patchouli said. “But I think you need a cigarette.” He took hold of her arm and hoisted her up. “Let’s catch up to Jay and Kelly.”

  Pregnant. Jesus.

  Okay.

  Okay.

  Jay’s mouth hung open. He didn’t even know what to think, let alone say. This was so out of left field. Of course, he knew these things could happen. In the back of his mind, he knew it, but—

  Pregnant.

  Okay.

  Okay.

  Kelly ran her fingers back and forth across Jay’s chest. “I wish you’d say something. Are you going to be okay with this?”

  Jay closed his eyes and exhaled in one long, endless breath. Was the river still moving? It felt like he was stuck in a large eddy, turning in slow, endless circles.

  “C’mon, Jay. Talk to me.”

  He blinked. A smile fluttered across his lips and stuck there. He kissed the top of Kelly’s head. “Wow,” he said. “It’s just so unexpected.”

  “But we’ll be okay, won’t we?”

  “We’ll be okay.”

  It was almost like he could see the last year of college as an object now, and it was in flames, disintegrating into a pile of nothing.

  Kelly said, “I thought you’d be more excited.”

  “It just needs a little while to sink in.”

  “You’re sure?”

  Jay nodded. He reached for the cooler and flipped open the lid. He plunged his hand into the cubes of ice and pulled out a beer. He ran the icy aluminum body over his face and neck. He gazed out at the blackened limbs and timber lining the shore. The ground smoldered. Wisps of white smoke bled into the air. He felt Kelly’s lips dance lightly on his neck.

  They heard Ann scream.

  To catch up to Jay and Kelly and the inner tubes, Patchouli and Ann decided to hike along the shore. The banks on that side of the river had grown steep, and they had to walk inland about five feet to be on navigable terrain.

  They spotted Jay and Kelly between the forest’s charred remnants. The ash under their feet fumed.

  “Damn, this is getting hot,” Patchouli said. “Like we’re on Daytona Beach in the middle of summer.”

  “Yeah, but you don’t get all this beautiful burnt shit at Daytona.”

  Patchouli looked back at her and smiled. “That’s my girl.”

  The ground between them exploded in a burst of hot cinders.

  Ann screamed.

  Jay was off his tube in an instant, swimming toward shore. He called back to Kelly, “Stay with the raft.” As he neared the steep bank, he saw Ann running one direction and Patchouli the other. Between them was something large. Something moving. It was made of—

  But that can’t be.

  Ann’s feet seemed to stick to the ground with each step, like the earth itself was trying to stop her.

  Fwoomp.

  Another mound of ash rose up to her left, exploding from the ground, taking shape. Two arms. Two legs. A torso. A head.

  “Patchouli!”

  My God, this isn’t happening.

  She wanted water. More than anything, she wanted water. Plunge her head in it and suck it down. That, and she wanted to wake up.

  But she could tell from the feel of the air on her arms, the way the swirling ash distorted the sun, the way her body perspired that this was real, all too real, and she knew you can’t wake up if you’re not really asleep.

  Fwoomp.

  Another one burst from the ground in front of her. She froze. Watched it form. A creature shaped by invisible hands. No eyes, no mouth, no nose. Just the featureless shape of a head on a featureless body. A swirling wall of soot and ash.

  What’s happening?

  It opened its arms. Stepped toward her.

  She swung at it. Her arm passed through it. The particles of ash stuck to her skin.

  It doesn’t hurt, she thought.

  She remembered the man she’d seen. What about him?

  I’ve got to get to the river. Which way was it?

  Fwoomp. Fwoomp.

  More of them emerged.

  She was surrounded.

  My God, my God, how do you react to something so completely insane…

  She knew this couldn’t be happening, but it was. It was.

  What are they?

  Surrounded…

  There was only one option. She leaned forward and ran straight into one of them.

  It doesn’t hurt, she thought. Maybe -

  She spotted Patchouli, only twenty yards away. He was surrounded as well.

  “Patch—”

  She didn’t have a chance to finish his name.

  The creature dispersed into a frenzied cloud and burrowed into her mouth and nose.

  It coated her eyes. Plugged her ears. All she could hear was the fast rush of blood to her head.

  She couldn’t breathe, she couldn’t move, she couldn’t—

  Her insides boiled and withered within her. She crumpled to the ground. A hot intense wind lifted her body and slammed it into a pile of smoking timber.

  She broke apart and scattered like a dead, brittle leaf.

  Jay reached shore.

  “Ann!” he called. He cupped his hands over his mouth. “Patchouli!” His voice was lost in the wind. Ash danced in the air. He grabbed hold of some thick roots, which protruded from the steep bank and pulled himself up and over. His feet sank in the soft ash. His eyes teared up as he walked through the particles of airborne soot. He coughed into his fist. “Ann! Patchouli!” What the hell happened to them?

  “Jay!”

  It was Kelly. She’d made the short distance to the river’s edge, dragging the raft of inner tubes behind her.

  “Wait there,” Jay said. “You shouldn’t breathe this shit in.”

  “What’s happening?”

  “I don’t know. This ash is all stirred up. It’s hard to see.”

  “Be careful.”

  “Just wait there, okay?”

  He spotted Patchouli’s tie-dyed shirt in the distance, surrounded by trees and—

  Shapes. Moving shapes.

  Fwoomp. Fwoomp.

  Mounds of swirling ash jumped from the earth. Patchouli ran toward one, then spun and dodged it. Particles of soot tickled his skin.

  Fwoomp.

  Another one leapt from the ground, fuming gray wisps of smoke.

  Fwoomp.

  There was another.

  Patchouli dug his bare heals into the forest floor. Sweat poured off his bangs.

  Okay, think. Think, Mr. Calm-cool-and-collected. Didn’t get that four-point-oh grade average for nothing.

  It felt like his heart was going to burst through his chest.

  Fuck.

  They moved with a fluid grace. Dust, embers, soot, bits of bark and dirt all swept up into their forms as they moved closer, growing. They seemed to have their own internal wind, still-glowing embers hovering within them.

  Okay, no time to study them. Maybe I can run through them. What the hell are they? Ash?

  Fwoomp. Fwoomp.

  More of them exploded from the ground. Patchouli looked for the smallest one. The one closest to him.

  He took a deep breath. Held it.

  Its eyes glowed like the coals of a campfire, hy
pnotic and beautiful. The swirling embers that gave it shape fluctuated in elegant, fluid patterns.

  More ash drifted up from the ground and joined it, making it grow. Patchouli saw a cluster of cigarette butts whip around inside the thing, making him think of Ann.

  Burn, baby, burn.

  He needed to breathe. He needed air. Just one more quick breath and I’ll close my eyes and run through the goddamn thing. Just one breath. One tiny breath. One more breath is all—

  The entire mass of smoking cinders rushed forward in a hurricane. Patchouli opened his mouth to scream, but the ash filled it and forced the scream back down into his lungs.

  He fell over in a bloated heap, all the moisture in him bubbling out through his skin until there was nothing left but a dry, burnt husk.

  It felt like the powder under Jay’s feet was becoming — excited. He felt it move between his toes and dance around his ankles.

  That can’t be a good thing, he thought. He had to get off this ash and into the water. He turned back toward the river.

  Kelly trudged through the ash toward him.

  “No!” he shouted. “Stay down by the river!”

  But his voice was drowned out by the hot wind. He ran to her, but skidded to a stop when—

  Fwoomp!

  One of the creatures rose in front of him.

  Jesus.

  It was huge. It stepped toward him, its mass towering above him. As he stared at it—

  fwoomp fwoomp fwoomp

  - he heard more of them shoot up out of the ground.

  What the hell—

  The mass in front of him undulated like a cobra waiting to strike. Coals, embers, danced within its body, making patterns that held his gaze. For a moment, he thought it was trying to communicate with him. He tried to read into what the movements meant.

  His mouth hung open in awe.

  The creature hovered just in front of him, moving, swirling, its mass a wall of circling, seething formations.

  He felt ash touch his lips, his tongue.

  Then—

  “Goddamn it, Jay — close your mouth. Close your eyes!”

  A hand reached through the creature and roughly grabbed his arm.

  It was Kelly.

  “Shut your damn eyes!”

  She pulled him into the creature.

  Ashes to ashes to ashes.

  A cyclone of hot, tiny pin-pricks stung his chest, his face, his legs. It hurt. It tickled. It burned. It made him want to scream and cry. He didn’t know what would come out of him if he opened his mouth. Maybe he’d start laughing and never be able to stop.

  Don’t even think of opening your mouth.

  Kelly’s nails dug into his wrist. She jerked him forward. Forward? He couldn’t tell up from down.

  Oh God, oh Christ, it fucking burns!

  He tripped on something. A branch? A root?

  Kelly’s leg?

  He fell forward into open space, Kelly no longer holding him, and his arms flailed out for something to grab, something to—

  He hit the river’s edge with a splash. The pain of sharp rocks bit into his knees, forcing his eyes to open, forcing a scream and a desperate intake of breath.

  A breath.

  He could breathe. He’d fallen off the steep river bank.

  The chill of shadow grew over him. And then Kelly—

  “Get in the water!”

  He lunged into the water, ducked under to get all that damn ash off of him. He felt Kelly next to him. When he surfaced, he looked to the shore. The creatures stood together, a wall of soot and ash. They spilled down the bank, then rose up again onto the dry land as if testing the water.

  “They’re not coming in,” Kelly said. She grabbed hold of Jay and hugged him. “They’re not coming in!”

  The raft of inner tubes still floated against the shore where Kelly had left them. She swam to it and pulled it into the center of the river. “Get on,” she said.

  As Jay climbed on, the creatures dissipated into the air in a rush, swept up by some unseen force, creating a blinding cloud. It edged out over the river. Kelly and Jay watched as it floated above them, the cloud swirling and glowing with hot embers. Tiny bits of burnt wood and debris fell on them like pepper from a grinder. More creatures crawled or walked to the shore and were swept up, joining the cloud that now spread from shore to shore.

  Jay and Kelly continued to stare as their raft spun in a lazy circle. The cloud glowed. It was beautiful. More debris rained on them. A thick ash fell on Kelly’s eyeball. It stung. She blinked. She tore her gaze away from the cloud, and as she did so, realized it was slowly descending. The bottom of the giant mass was only ten feet above them.

  “Jay!” Kelly shouted. “Look at me!”

  He kept his gaze skyward. “It’s incredible.”

  “Look at me!”

  A smile spread across Jay’s face.

  “Jay, please.”

  He stopped responding to her as the cloud continued to descend.

  Kelly jumped off her tube, swam under Jay and flipped him out into the water. The ash cloud closed in on them. Its belly kissed the top of Kelly’s head, swept Jay’s hair up into it.

  They looked at each other. How long would it let them breathe?

  I want that baby, Jay thought. I want to grow old with Kelly. I want to get married and have a wedding out under a cool blue sky on a field of green grass. Just blue sky and lots of green, green grass. I want to watch our baby grow. I want to grow old. I want—

  I want—

  I want to live—

  —his mouth underwater, nose just above the surface, his scalp felt like it was burning—

  God, I just want your baby, he thought as he watched Kelly’s desperate, pleading eyes, her nostrils twitching as water splashed up into them.

  Her eyes widened. She plunged under water.

  She swam beneath the inner tubes, grabbed one of them, her fingers searching along the inside. She found the air nozzle. Pulled it to her lips. Bit into it past the metal pin, bit hard, the pain coming so close to making her suck in a mouthful of water, until she felt the nozzle give and a rush of bubbles tickle her lips, her nose, pouring over her face. She sucked in.

  Stale. Rancid. She nearly gagged, but wouldn’t let herself. She forced her eyes open. Could hear the fizz of ash hitting the water’s surface. Her chest felt like it was on fire. She sucked in another mouthful of air. Was there any oxygen inside? But she had to breath it in, had to for as long as she could.

  Where are you, Jay?

  Jay had plunged into the water, but could see nothing in the murk.

  God, I need air.

  He couldn’t hold his breath any longer, he couldn’t.

  God, he wished he could see his baby.

  He heard the light fizz of ash pelt the river’s surface. Maybe it’d be all right. Maybe he could keep his face just above the river. Maybe there’d be enough air for him there.

  And maybe the baby would be fine and they’d get married and he’d get a regular job and they’d get a regular house, and that would be okay now, because now he knew, now he knew, that that would be a much better option than this.

  He couldn’t stand the pain in his lungs any longer. He had to breathe. He had to stand up. Maybe, maybe, just maybe…

  He stood up. Raised his head above the water’s skin. Blinked river away from his eyes. For a moment, he could see. For a moment, he thought whatever had been there before was gone.

  But only for a moment.

  He heard it, saw it, felt it at the same time.

  The water directly around him sizzled.

  This is a test. God’s testing me to see if I’m worthy to have this baby.

  Kelly reached out for Jay, wanting to touch him, touch something human, something warm and solid. Something…

  Keep your mouth on the tube. Keep breathing.

  But it tasted so awful, so dirty.

  She felt Jay’s shoulder. Felt him tremble. Her eyes stung in the mur
ky water and she could not see him. Couldn’t see anything. She squeezed his shoulder. Felt him shake. Her hand brushed across his neck, up his face.

  At her touch, his head split apart.

  oh God keep breathing keep breathing

  She felt the ashes that filled it flow over her hand, sticky with blood and brain. It swirled around her fingers, lodged itself in her nails. She pushed Jay’s body away, scrambled backwards as best she could, her legs moving painfully slow in the dense water. It was all she could do not to pop up above the surface to scream and scream, all she could do to keep her mouth over the small air hole and keep sucking in that awful, dirty air.

  She squeezed her eyes shut tight, waved her hand back and forth in the water’s current, trying to dislodge the bits of Jay that had dissolved in that cloud. She lifted her feet slightly to let the current carry her down-river. It was hard, though, to keep immersed in the water, the tug of the tube trying to lift her up and out.

  She stayed under the river’s surface, taking small sips of air from the shrinking tube. There were five more tubes if she needed them. If she could stand it. Five more tubes, and her goddamn pink flamingo.

  If the baby was a boy, she’d name it Jay.

  She pumped her legs and moved with the current, hoping, hoping.

  Groundskeeper Hank

  I’ve been here a few years now. I know people think I’m dumb. I know I’m a little slow at figuring things out, but I get it eventually. And just because my voice is a little syrupy and thick, it doesn’t mean I’m ignorant. Just a little slow on account of being in the war.

  The kids here are pretty nice to me. Some of them say, “Hi, Hank,” when they pass me by, and I’ve gotten to where I remember some of their names now. Others make fun of me. I know that, but they’re just kids, junior college kids, and it doesn’t really bother me like it used to. At least it shouldn’t. I know that.

  I live close by in a halfway house, but I don’t like it much there. I don’t like the others who live there. There’s one fellow, he’s kind of nice, but the rest of them I’d just as soon do without. So I spend a lot of my time here in the dugout at night. It’s real peaceful and quiet for the most part. I like to sit here and have a smoke or two, drink a soda. They don’t let me have beer no more. Said it messes with the pills they give me, and I don’t want to make any more of a mess than I have to. I like looking across the baseball diamond, watching the sprinklers shine in the moonlight. You can hear crickets singing, too, and I like that.