The Art of Keeping Secrets

by Rachael Johns

  ‘I don’t know.’ Flick shrugged but her words were barely audible over the top of Emma’s.

  ‘Oh my God!’ She spat, looking at Neve as if she were mud on a brand-new white carpet. ‘How could you lie about something like that? Having an affair with a married man was bad enough, but making out that this James character never even wanted Will? Not even giving him the chance to be a dad? That’s terrible.’

  ‘For fuck’s sake, Emma. I don’t need you to yell at me. Don’t you think I know all that? Don’t you think I feel guilty enough? I was young and stupid.’

  ‘You were twenty-five.’

  ‘Exactly. And I thought I was doing the right thing. I didn’t want to be a marriage wrecker.’ Neve felt uncharacteristic tears prickling her eyeballs.

  ‘Maybe you should have thought of that before you slept with someone else’s husband.’

  Emma’s words hurt more than if she’d stabbed her in the neck with a chopstick. Neve closed her eyes, silently cursing her own stupidity. Of course Emma was the wrong person to tell about this. Although it had been almost five years since Max had announced he was leaving her for a woman who was practically a child, her scars were still raw.

  Now, Neve had basically admitted that she was exactly like Chanel—the only difference being Chanel had got the guy. But maybe Neve could have had James too if she’d told him the truth. Leaving had seemed like the right thing to do back then but now she wasn’t so sure. She’d thought that in time her love for James would fade but seeing him in Will every day was a constant reminder of what they’d shared. The years apart hadn’t diluted her feelings for him.

  ‘Emma, calm down,’ Flick ordered. ‘This isn’t about you. Whatever you think about Neve’s affair—’ lord, she made it sound so seedy ‘—Will is the issue here. There’s no point berating Neve for something she did before you met her.’

  Neve smiled her appreciation at Flick. ‘Thank you,’ she said, her voice barely more than a whisper.

  Emma’s arms remained tightly crossed and her forehead creased. ‘So, what are you going to do about this then?’

  ‘I’m not sure.’ Neve had always been so competent and independent—part and parcel of being a single mum—but now she wished someone would tell her what was best. ‘I don’t want Will to get hurt, but I don’t think he’s going to give up on this. He knows James might not be overjoyed to hear from him, but I think he’s imagining that it’s going to be some wonderful father-son reunion.’

  ‘Maybe it will be,’ Emma said. ‘After all, Will isn’t the one who has lied to James all these years.’

  Neve let that gibe slip, knowing it to be the truth. ‘I guess I have to tell James, don’t I?’

  Her friends nodded, then Flick asked, ‘Do you know how to contact him? Have you had any communication with him at all over the years?’

  ‘No. Nothing.’ Neve took a big gulp of wine. ‘Last I heard he and his … his wife—’ she couldn’t look at Emma as she said this but felt her disapproving stare ‘—had moved to New York. He got a job directing Mamma Mia! on Broadway.’

  ‘What’s the wife do?’ Emma asked.

  ‘She was a journalist. She probably still is.’

  Flick sat forward. ‘Okay, so if he’s still working on Broadway, it shouldn’t take too long to track him down, should it?’

  ‘I checked on Facebook; James isn’t on there, but—’

  Emma snorted. ‘I don’t think this is the kind of thing you tell someone in a message on Facebook.’

  ‘Of course not,’ Neve snapped. ‘I was just saying that I’d looked. He is however on LinkedIn, but don’t worry,’ she continued before Emma could object to that, ‘I’m not going to contact him there either. But I did learn that he’s still working on Mamma Mia! for a few more months. The show’s closing soon.’

  ‘I’d love to see Mamma Mia! on Broadway,’ Emma said, her voice dreamy as if for a moment she’d forgotten why they’d started talking about this.

  ‘Me too,’ Flick agreed.

  ‘Watch the movie,’ Neve said. ‘After you’ve told me how the fuck to get out of this mess I’ve gotten myself into.’

  ‘I wonder how hard it would be to get his phone number?’ Flick mused.

  Neve raised an eyebrow. ‘What if his wife answered the phone?’

  Flick shrugged one shoulder. ‘You could call him at the theatre. Or leave a message for him to call you.’

  ‘Yes,’ Emma nodded as if they were both dimwits, ‘because what guy wouldn’t like to receive a phone call from a woman he hasn’t seen in almost two decades, telling him they have a child together? Personally, I think you should go to New York and tell him face to face.’

  ‘Ooh, yes.’ Flick raised her glass in approval and took a sip. ‘Good plan.’

  Neve’s heart skipped a beat and she wasn’t sure if the adrenaline rush was down to fear or excitement or a weird combination of both.

  She swallowed. ‘Maybe you’re right. Maybe I owe it to Will and James to go and see him. He could hang up on me if I call.’

  What if he didn’t even remember her? She felt sick at the thought that maybe she hadn’t been all that special after all, maybe she’d been one in a string of floozies James had screwed while his wife was busying breastfeeding and changing nappies.

  ‘More wine?’ Flick asked, standing to grab the half-full bottle off the bench.

  Neve put her hand over the top of her glass. ‘No thanks.’ She had decisions to make and needed a clear head.

  ‘You don’t mind if I do?’ Flick topped up her drink before Emma or Neve had a chance to object. Not that Neve would—who was she to judge her friends’ decisions?

  She looked at the table and realised none of them had eaten any of the canapés she’d put out. ‘Shall I serve up dinner?’ she asked, needing to do something, despite not being hungry at all.

  ‘What’s on the menu?’ Flick asked, taking it upon herself to clear the table of the untouched nibbles.

  ‘Vegetable tortilla stack.’ Neve stood and went across to the oven just as its timer beeped.

  ‘Mmm … yum. You know I adore my meat and couldn’t live without it,’ Flick said, ‘but … if anything could turn me veggie it’s your cooking.’

  ‘Thanks.’ Neve took the ceramic dish out of the oven and placed it on a wooden board ready to slice. ‘Can you grab the salad out the fridge, please?’

  Flick obliged as Neve set to cutting everyone a slice. Emma usually raved about her food but this time she remained quiet as Neve put her plate down in front of her.

  ‘So when are you going to go to New York?’ Flick asked.

  ‘I guess the sooner the better.’ The dread and anticipation would kill her if she had to wait too long. ‘But I don’t know what I’m going to tell Will.’

  ‘How about the truth?’ Emma said dryly.

  ‘I don’t want to get his hopes up,’ Neve said, telling herself this was the truth and it wasn’t simply that she wanted to put off the conversation that would likely irrevocably damage their relationship.

  ‘Can you tell him you’ve had some too-good-to-refuse makeup job come up in the States?’ Flick suggested.

  ‘That could work,’ Neve said, mentally checking her diary for a gap long enough to take the trip. ‘But I’ll have to renew my passport first—I haven’t left the country in years. I wonder how long will that take?’

  ‘You can request priority processing. The passport office will get it back to you within two days of you handing in the form.’ This was Emma’s one contribution to the conversation.

  ‘We keep our passports up to date,’ Flick said, ‘although I don’t know why. We haven’t had an overseas holiday since Toby was in kindergarten. Private school fees have seen to that.’

  ‘Tell me about it.’ Although Will was on a full scholarship, there were still plenty of extras Neve had to fork out for, things that wouldn’t be needed if he went to the local public high school.

  ‘I can’t believe you’re going to
the Big Apple,’ Flick said. ‘I’ve wanted to go ever since Sex and the City hit the screens. Think of all the shopping you’ll be able to do. You’ll have to take a selfie on Fifth Avenue.’

  Neve laughed, appreciating that Flick was trying to make her feel better. ‘If I go anywhere near Fifth Ave, the only shopping I’ll be doing is window shopping. The flights and accommodation alone will probably bankrupt me.’ She sighed, knowing that somehow she had to find the money—and find the courage to face James.

  For Will. For her son, she would do absolutely anything.

  ‘What’s for dessert?’ Flick asked, once she’d helped Neve stack the dinner dishes in the dishwasher.

  ‘Actually, I’m going to have to go,’ Emma announced, glancing at her watch. ‘I’m really tired. Sorry. Thanks for dinner.’ She didn’t look apologetic, though, and thanking Neve for dinner sounded like a real effort.

  ‘You’re welcome.’ Neve smiled, trying not to feel too hurt. She could tell Emma’s opinion of her had changed tonight and she didn’t want the dynamics of their trio to change, but she didn’t know how to fix things either. ‘Thank you for coming. Would you like to take some chocolate tart home for the kids?’

  To her surprise, Emma accepted.

  Flick didn’t stay long after that and Neve didn’t mind. The evening had emotionally exhausted her and Will would be home from the cinema soon anyway. Normally she’d wait up for him, to check he got in safely and to chat about his day, but tonight she snuck off to bed, not up to facing him at all.

  How could she when she finally understood just how badly she had let him down?

  Chapter Nine

  Felicity

  Holy hell, Flick thought as she flopped into the back seat of the taxi and gave the driver her address. Neve had thrown them for a six with her confession tonight. Flick could hardly reconcile the woman she knew with someone who’d sleep with a married man.

  Whenever Emma lamented about Max, Neve had always been as caustic as they had with her thoughts on home-wrecker Chanel. Not once had she acted weirdly or given any indication that she too had once been in Chanel’s position. Then again, maybe Flick just hadn’t noticed because she hadn’t been looking. She’d naively assumed her friends were open books, but she had her secrets, so why should she be surprised when she discovered others did too?

  Either way, the revelations of the evening caused her to look at Neve in a new light. She wasn’t angry and didn’t think any less of her like Emma did. People made mistakes, after all. Life was never black and white and she believed strongly that one shouldn’t judge another unless they had walked in their shoes. Flick had never thought to stray but she’d been lucky to find the love of her life young; the way Neve spoke about James it sounded like he was the love of her life too.

  What would I have done if Seb was married when we met?

  It was hard to wrap her head around such a thought. She couldn’t imagine Seb sitting down to chat with her in the cafeteria that day if he’d already been in a relationship. He simply wasn’t that kind of guy.

  But whatever wrongs Neve had committed, she’d also done a hell of a lot right. Her intentions had been honourable when she’d ended her relationship with Will’s father. She could have made life very messy for the adulterer; instead she’d chosen the hard path of single parenthood and Will was a testament to what a bloody good job she’d done of that.

  But man … what a pickle she’d gotten herself into now. Flick didn’t envy her one jot. Well, aside from that trip to New York. That was definitely a silver lining.

  ‘Is this you?’ asked the taxi driver, and Flick realised they’d stopped in front of her house.

  ‘Oh yes,’ she said, her hand already on the door when she remembered it was customary to pay. She glanced at the total charge—$12.75—and then grabbed a twenty-dollar note out of her purse.

  ‘Keep the change.’ Flick leapt out the car, slammed the door and hurried up the driveway to her front door. The TV blared from the living room as she let herself inside and she followed the noise.

  ‘Hi Mum.’ Toby turned around from where he was sitting on the couch as she entered. ‘How was your night?’

  ‘Good thanks, sweet pea.’ She walked over and kissed him on the head. ‘What about yours?’

  He shrugged. ‘Okay. Zoe and Beau came over, so Dad ordered pizza, then Beau and I played on the Xbox until Zoe got pissed off that he wasn’t spending time with her, so they left.’

  Flick stifled a smile. ‘I see. And where’s your dad now?’ She’d thought Seb would have spent the rare evening alone with Toby.

  He shrugged again and turned back to the movie on the screen in front of him—something gruesome by the looks of it. ‘He said he was tired and went to bed.’

  Damn. Seb had been working hard lately on a big development project and she didn’t want to wake him if he was sleeping, but she was busting to talk about Neve and she couldn’t spill her guts to Toby. He’d be straight on the phone to Will and that would be cataclysmic.

  ‘Okay, honey. I’d sit and watch with you, but …’

  ‘It’s okay, Mum.’ Toby half-laughed. ‘I know blood and gore isn’t your thing.’ The kids had always joked that she couldn’t handle it—after all, she made a living handling dead things—but she’d much rather spend her time off watching a romantic comedy, a good drama or even a documentary. ‘See you tomorrow.’

  ‘Goodnight.’ Trying not to show her desperation to escape, Flick ambled out of the room and then once out of Toby’s sight, she charged down the hallway towards their bedroom.

  Forgetting about Seb being asleep, she flung open the bedroom door and burst in. ‘You’ll never guess …’ The words died on her tongue as she took in her husband in a fitted red dress, twirling in front of their full-length mirror, his face plastered with more make-up than she wore in a month, his favourite blonde wig on, and their bed barely visible under the mountain of dresses he’d already tried on. Her jaw tensed and a hot wave of anger flushed through her as she quickly closed the door behind her.

  Seb glanced at his wristwatch—the decorative gold and diamond one he wore when playing Sofia. ‘I didn’t think you’d be home for a couple more hours.’

  ‘That’s pretty damn obvious.’ She clenched her fists and shook her head, trying to control her fury. If Toby wasn’t home she would really let loose, shout the house down to ensure Seb heard exactly how she felt. Then again, if Toby wasn’t home, she wouldn’t be so effing furious.

  Seb’s chagrined expression proved he hadn’t planned on getting caught.

  ‘What the hell were you thinking?’ Flick hissed. Her voice was barely more than a whisper but that didn’t mask her rage. She’d always tried to be accepting of Seb’s other life but they’d made certain rules when the kids were born, the most important being that he never indulged his hobby when Toby or Zoe were in the house. As far as she knew he’d never broken them. She nodded back towards the door. ‘Toby could have come in at any moment!’

  The shock of seeing him in full female get-up almost rivalled the first time she’d discovered his secret. She occasionally wondered how different her life might have been if she’d chosen to be not quite so supportive; if she’d decided cross-dressing wasn’t something she could put up with in a husband—there were plenty of women who wouldn’t. But walking away had never been an option.

  He was the first person she thought of when she woke up in the morning, her last thought when she went to sleep and the one she turned to throughout the day whenever she had something to share. She loved him too damn much.

  Still, now he had the audacity to shrug at her distress and that made her blood boil. ‘Flick, calm down. It’s no biggie.’

  ‘No biggie?’ She couldn’t believe her ears. ‘Don’t you think Zoe and Toby would think it kind of significant if they discovered their father spent more money on dresses, shoes and make-up than their mother?’

  He shrugged again and tugged off his platinum blonde wig, tossing
it behind him onto the pile on the bed. He still had the dress on, and now he looked even more ridiculous. ‘I’ve been thinking …’

  Why did her heart freeze at those three weighted words?

  ‘Maybe it’s time that Zoe and Toby get to know the real me? They’re adults now and—’

  ‘Toby’s not eighteen yet,’ she interrupted, unable to believe her ears. Zoe might be twenty-one but that didn’t mean she’d be able to handle this any better than her brother. Did Seb really think she’d let him tell them?

  ‘He’s not far off,’ Seb continued, something in his eyes telling her he was prepared for a fight.

  Arguing was something they rarely did, and whenever they did have a disagreement, Seb was always the first to back down.

  ‘They need to learn that the world isn’t black and white.’ Seb sighed and ran a hand through his hair. ‘I’m tired of living like what I do—who I am—is some dirty sin. You know I love you and the kids more than anything. And I want Toby and Zoe to know and accept me for me.’

  Flick swallowed. ‘But what if they don’t accept you? Are you ready for that?’

  He took his time answering. ‘I think maybe that’s a risk I have to take. I know this might not be easy and it may take them time to come around, but we’ve raised our children to have open minds and I think they’ll understand eventually.’

  Perhaps Seb had more faith in their children than Flick did, but either way she wasn’t ready for her world to explode. It wasn’t just him they might be angry at. What would they think of her for harbouring this secret all these years? How would it affect Zoe and Beau’s imminent marriage?

  Worst case scenarios flew through her head and she wondered why this had become so important to him all of sudden, but all she managed to say was, ‘I’m sorry, Seb. This is a bit of a shock. Can you promise me one thing?’