The Art of Keeping Secrets

by Rachael Johns

  Will nodded towards her plate. ‘Aren’t you hungry?’

  She was ravenous but didn’t think she could eat. ‘Not really,’ she lied.

  Neve wanted to enjoy this moment with Will but she couldn’t enjoy anything with the dread of telling him about James hanging over her. And sleep would also be impossible until the deed was done.

  She poured herself some water and took a sip, wishing it was wine. A dose of Dutch courage was exactly what the doctor ordered. ‘Sweetheart,’ she began, ‘you know how you want to meet your father?’

  Will, previously more focused on devouring the pizza, stopped chewing and offered her his full attention. ‘Yeah?’ He nodded expectedly.

  ‘Well, the truth is … he was the real reason I went to New York.’

  There was a second’s silence, then Will’s angry shout echoed around the room. ‘What? You told me you were going for work! You lied to me.’

  If he sounded angry at this little falsehood, she could only imagine his rage when she told him what else she’d lied about. Her stomach rolled around inside her, but there was no point putting off the inevitable.

  ‘I wanted to talk to James first, let him know you wanted to meet him.’ She swallowed. ‘Let him know you existed.’

  Her words lingered in the air a few moments and then Will shook his head. Part of her had been hoping he wouldn’t register that last bit but he ran a hand through his hair and glared at her. ‘What the hell? What do you mean, let him know I existed? Did he think you had an abortion or something?’

  ‘No.’ The words came out barely more than a whisper. ‘Truth is, darling, as you know, I met your father when we were working in the theatre in Melbourne. He was a director and I worked behind the scenes on the make-up. We met one night at a cast party and hit it off immediately. Problem was your father was married.’

  ‘Married?’ Will exclaimed, grimacing as if he’d never heard of the concept. ‘You fucked a married man?’

  Neve flinched at his language. He’d sworn before—all teenage boys dropped the occasional f-bomb—but he’d never directed such curses at her. ‘Yes, but—’

  ‘What did Nan think of that?’ he asked before she could try and justify herself.

  ‘I didn’t tell her. I was young and ashamed of the relationship, but I loved your father. I couldn’t help myself. Then, when I got pregnant, I was terrified about the ramifications of him already having a family. I didn’t want to put James in the position of having to choose us over his wife and daughters, so I … wrongly … decided that it would be better for everyone if I came home to Perth. I didn’t tell him I was leaving and I didn’t tell him why. I didn’t tell anyone. The first Nan and Pop heard the truth was a few weeks ago and the first James heard about you was a few days ago when I tracked him down in New York.’

  He stared at her a few moments, dumbfounded and furious. She wanted to say something else, to try and justify her actions, but she didn’t know what or how. ‘What did Dad say when you told him?’ Will asked eventually.

  Her grip tightened on her water glass as an image of James’s face when he’d learnt about his son flashed into her head. ‘He said he wanted to meet you. He was angry,’ she confessed, her eyes watering. ‘At me, not at you. He wanted to see photos of you and to know everything about you. I’m sorry, Will, I’m so sorry.’

  ‘You’re sorry?’ He stood, his stool crashing onto the floor in his haste. He didn’t pause to right it. ‘I can’t believe you did that to us. What about those times I had to do a stupid family tree at school and you pretended you barely knew anything about my dad. I can’t believe you went all the way to New York and met him without me. I thought you loved me.’

  He shook his head, looking at her with an expression of revulsion and shock.

  ‘I do love you!’ She tried to reach out for him but he shrugged her off. ‘Whether it was the right or wrong decision, I did what I did for you. I didn’t think James would leave his wife and I wanted to protect you from being his dirty secret.’

  ‘So instead you made me yours,’ Will spat.

  ‘No!’

  ‘Whatever you made yourself believe, your reasons sucked.’

  And with that eloquent declaration, he stormed out of the kitchen.

  ‘Will!’ Neve called, knowing her cry would be ignored. He needed time. Time to cool down. Time to digest the information she’d just given him. Lately life seemed to be one difficult conversation after another. She let her head fall into her hands as she listened for the slam of his bedroom door, but instead she heard the sound of keys being lifted from the hook in the hallway and the front door open and slam.

  Her eyes widened as her head snapped up, confirmation of her worst fears coming moments later when her car started in the driveway. By the time she’d hurried down the hallway and flung open the front door, Will and her car had already disappeared into the night. Terror shot through her as she heard him screech round the corner.

  This was so much worse than James’s fury.

  Will was a good, usually sensible driver but he was still on his learner plates, so it was illegal for him to be on the road without another licensed driver in the car. Her breathing quickened and she pressed her hand against her chest as she worried about whether he might do something to harm himself. Should she call the police?

  Yeah, that would go down real well, Neve.

  But Will already hated her and she’d rather have him hate her than kill himself in a car accident.

  ‘Oh, shit!’ She kicked her foot against the doorjamb, forgetting she’d taken off her shoes. Pain rushed to her big toe and she hobbled back into the kitchen, swearing and cursing and biting back tears. Ignoring the throbbing pain in her foot, she plucked the cordless receiver off the wall but found she couldn’t bring herself to dial the cops. If she reported her car stolen by a minor, they might launch a pursuit and she didn’t want Will to be another high-speed car chase road-death statistic.

  Instead, after a few desperate silent pleas to a God she wasn’t sure she believed in and a few moments of deliberation, she called Stacey.

  ‘Hi Neve,’ she answered after a few rings. ‘How was New York?’

  Stuff New York—she wished she’d never heard of the god-damn place. ‘Stacey, Will and I have just had a … a disagreement. I told him something upsetting and he didn’t take it very well. He’s taken my car and I think he might turn up at your place. If he does, can you please message me and let me know he’s safe.’

  ‘He’s taken your car? Holy shit, what did you tell him?’

  ‘I’m sure he’ll let you know when he’s ready, but please, message me if he turns up.’

  ‘Okay. Of course.’

  ‘Thank you.’ Neve disconnected before Stacey could ask anything else. Next she called Flick’s house but the phone rang out. Flick didn’t answer her mobile either, so she tried Toby’s.

  ‘Toby?’ she said desperately when he answered.

  ‘Neve. Is that you?’ He sounded uncertain; while she had his number in case of an emergency, she didn’t think she’d ever used it. She told him exactly what she’d told Stacey and made him promise to let her know if he heard from Will. Being a guy, he didn’t ask questions like Stacey had and for that she was grateful.

  She disconnected and slumped back against the kitchen counter, trying to think if there were any other friends he might go to. Caleb was still in Hawaii so he was out.

  Dammit, she’d never felt so helpless in her life. If anything happened to Will it would be her fault and she would never forgive herself.

  Chapter Forty

  Felicity

  ‘Wow, thanks, Mum!’

  Flick smiled as Zoe stared down at the Tiffany’s box holding two beautiful white gold, heart-shaped, diamond-encrusted earrings that she’d bought on Fifth Avenue. They’d cost a bomb, but she’d still been ripe with anger at Seb at the time and hell-bent on spending their savings as some kind of punishment. She should have returned them and probably would
have if Emma hadn’t ended up in hospital. But the grin on Zoe’s face now made all the money worthwhile.

  ‘You’re welcome, sweetheart. Do you think they’ll go well with your dress?’

  ‘Are you kidding?’ Seb answered for her. ‘They’ll match perfectly. Can I have a look?’

  Zoe passed the box over to her dad, then got up and went around to Flick. As she kissed her cheek, Flick couldn’t help but see Seb’s eyes gleam as he looked at the earrings glinting under the light above them.

  She cleared her throat, looked away and reached down to the pile of shopping bags next to her on the floor. ‘I didn’t forget you boys,’ she said, pulling out a couple of caps. ‘I hope I got the right ones. Do you know how many types of snapbacks there are?’

  ‘Wicked.’ Toby took his and popped it on his head.

  ‘Thanks, Mum,’ Beau said, ripping the tag off. She smiled at him—loving the sound of mum coming from his lips.

  ‘Why’d you come home early?’ Zoe asked.

  Flick glanced at Seb, who was still admiring the earrings. ‘Um … Neve’s job finished early and we just … uh …’

  Dammit, they should have come up with a cover story.

  ‘She just missed us,’ Seb finished for her, closing the lid on the earrings and passing them back to Zoe.

  Zoe grinned. ‘Well then, next time you’ll have to take us with you.’

  Flick breathed a sigh of relief that the kids accepted this ridiculous excuse. Thank God Zoe and Toby still thought her world revolved around them.

  ‘Yeah.’ Toby nodded. ‘Then Beau, Dad and I could go to a Yankees game.’

  They were sitting around the dining room table, remnants of the meal Zoe and Beau had prepared to welcome her home scattered around them. Flick couldn’t think of anywhere else she’d rather be, but that didn’t stop a yawn escaping.

  ‘Sorry.’ She covered her mouth as another one threatened.

  ‘You must be exhausted. It’s a long flight.’ Seb pushed back his chair, stood, then looked to the kids. ‘I think I’d better get your mother to bed. You three are on cleaning duty.’

  ‘But Beau and I made dinner!’ Zoe objected. ‘Toby can do it.’

  Toby shook his head. ‘No way. I’ll help, but I’m not doing it all on my own. When you cook you use every bloody thing in the kitchen.’

  Zoe stuck out her tongue at her brother and Flick stifled a smile. For a teenage boy, Toby was very observant. And for an almost married woman, Zoe still had a lot of growing up to do.

  ‘I don’t care who does it,’ Seb said, his voice raised. ‘But by the time your mother and I wake up in the morning, the kitchen better be sparkling or there’ll be hell to pay.’

  Beau, still eager to please the future in-laws, stood and started clearing the table. ‘Come on you two, the sooner we get started, the sooner it’s done.’

  ‘Thanks, guys.’ Flick kissed her kids and then did the same to Beau. ‘I’m glad our girl found you,’ she told him.

  He blushed. ‘Me too.’

  As Toby and Zoe rose to help, Flick let Seb take her hand and lead her down the hallway to their bedroom. Holding his hand had always felt natural, safe and comforting, but tonight she had to try very hard not to yank it away and shove it into her jeans pockets.

  You just need time, she told herself.

  ‘I put the electric blanket on for you,’ Seb said as he closed the bedroom door behind them. ‘Can I run you a bath or would you rather just collapse into bed? You must be exhausted.’

  Seb had always been thoughtful but tonight his words felt like awkward small talk. Flick knew she wouldn’t be able to sleep until they’d talked about their future. As tired as she was, she had questions for him and didn’t want to wait any longer for the answers. Before the bombshell, she’d have accepted the bath offer, he’d have sat on the toilet lid and they’d have talked while she soaked, but this was a conversation she didn’t want to be naked for.

  ‘I am, but I’ve been waiting for this opportunity to talk to you all night.’ She crossed to the other side of their room and sat in her beloved occasional chair, then gestured for Seb sit on the bed.

  He rubbed his lips together, nodded and took a seat. ‘Where do we start?’

  ‘I want you to tell me about the first moment you knew you were in the wrong body.’ Flick so desperately wanted to understand, because maybe understanding was the first step towards acceptance and going forward.

  Seb took a deep breath and began, telling her how he’d always favoured girls’ toys as a kid and how his mother put it down to having two older sisters. ‘Dad tried to buy me trucks and pretend tools and such, but they bored me senseless. I wanted dolls to dress up and tea sets, but I didn’t realise this was an issue until I started school and my choices attracted bullies. I soon learned that the easiest way to get through life was to ignore these preferences—and definitely never admit to them.

  ‘Luckily I wasn’t bad at sport and I enjoyed it, although I always secretly preferred netball over football. I guess I always thought of myself as female inside, but I learnt to be a good actor. It’s not easy being different and so I tried to deny it. I thought my feelings were a mortal sin and hated myself for being this way. And I knew what it would do to Mum and Dad if they ever found out what I was.’

  Flick tried to ignore the pain that filled her as he spoke—she couldn’t tell if it was sympathy for him living this shameful life or guilt for herself, unwittingly becoming a pawn in his game of make-believe.

  She just knew something hurt badly inside of her.

  When he got to the part about hating boys’ school, she interrupted. ‘If you hated Dayton so much, why did we work our arses off to pay for Toby to go there? I thought it was an old boys’ tradition you were desperate to keep up.’

  ‘He always wanted to go there, remember? He heard my dad waxing lyrical about the great time he had there and I guess I always knew that Toby wasn’t like me. If he was, I may have objected, but I knew he’d love it there and thrive, exactly as he has.’

  Her shoulders relaxed—she hadn’t even realised they’d been tense. The worry that this thing could be hereditary had been niggling at her, but Seb seemed so sure about their son.

  ‘So you say you’ve always been this way. You don’t remember any incident that instigated it?’ If he could pinpoint a moment in his past that had made him this way, maybe they could get help for it. Just like a victim of sexual abuse could. ‘Maybe you can get counselling?’

  He glanced down at the carpet. ‘I’ve been having it for years.’

  Her eyes bulged. ‘What?’

  ‘Do you think I want to be like this?’ he asked, his voice rough, almost angry. ‘I want us to be a normal family as much as you do. I don’t want to hurt you, but years of counselling have only made me realise that nothing can change me. I am the way I am and it’s time to accept that. To embrace it. I’ve lived forty-five years in the wrong body. I don’t want to live the next forty-five the same way, depressed and ashamed of who I am.’

  There were so many secrets between them. And yet she’d always imagined they had none. How had she never known how much he was struggling? ‘Have you ever considered suicide?’

  He took a moment to reply, then, ‘Yes. The possibility has crossed my mind. That’s why I sought counselling in the first place. But I couldn’t do that to you and the kids.’

  Tears filled her eyes—the shocking possibility of Seb killing himself getting the better of her resolve to stay strong. She ached inside at the thought of him living alone with all this turmoil all those years. How could she have been so blind?

  ‘Oh, Flick. I’m so sorry.’ He got off the bed, crossed over to her and then knelt down in front of the chair and laid his head in her lap. ‘I never wanted to hurt you.’

  She sniffed, her fingers instinctively reaching out to rake through his hair. ‘So why did you marry me?’

  He looked up at her as if she’d asked a ridiculous question. ‘Because I lo
ved you. I still do. Always will. My gender doesn’t affect that.’

  She frowned, unable to comprehend this. ‘So you’re gay? A lesbian? Is that what you’re saying?’

  ‘No. Who I want to sleep with has nothing to do with gender.’

  Flick raised an eyebrow. ‘Are you sexually attracted to women or men?’

  ‘Women. One woman—you.’

  ‘Which means if you go ahead with the gender transition, you’ll be a lesbian.’ It was black and white to her.

  ‘Technically I guess—if that’s the way you want to look at it.’

  Flick frowned. How else was she supposed to look at it? ‘Despite everything, I love you too, Seb, but I’m not a lesbian. I’m not and never have been attracted to women.’

  ‘I understand,’ Seb whispered, hurt and disappointment in his voice. He thought this was the end.

  ‘In New York,’ she confessed, ‘I almost slept with someone else.’

  He sat bolt upright, jerking away from her. ‘What? Who?’

  Flick sighed and explained all about Jeremy—how he’d been friendly and flirtatious and she’d been looking for a way to forget her pain. Seb looked close to tears but she continued. ‘I think I also wanted to prove to myself that you’re not the way you are because I’m a dud in bed. And also maybe to prove that I’d be able to recover and move on from this.’

  ‘You’re not a dud in bed.’

  She shrugged. ‘Truth is I’m not sure I really care. The point is, I couldn’t sleep with Jeremy. It didn’t feel right. I didn’t want to hurt you. And when everything went bad with poor Emma, all I wanted was to see you, to talk to you.’

  He reached out and squeezed her hand, a silent thank you, and this time, she didn’t want to pull away. She looked right into his eyes. ‘If you do this, it’s not going to be easy. Are you prepared for what might happen? For rejection, abuse … You might lose your job, your kids?’

  ‘What about you? Will I lose you?’

  That was the million-dollar question. The one Flick had been asking herself over and over again since Seb had confessed. Should I stay or should I go? Whatever her choice—what would people say? What would they think? Where was the magic eight ball to tell her what to do when she needed it?