All I could do was shake my head. I was tired. No exhausted, and all I wanted to do was go to bed.
“Do you have a blanket? I’ll take the couch.”
“Yeah,” I walked to the hall closet and pulled out a pillow and blanket for him. I told him goodnight and thanks again, then I walked swiftly into the bedroom.
I was so glad that he was here with me. Relief washed over me, but I still felt uneasy. After putting on my night clothes, I crawled into bed hoping sleep would find me soon enough.
LYING THERE ON THE COUCH, I realized that there was no way I was going to sleep. Worry was fucking drowning me. I wanted that son of a bitch to come try again so that I could tear his head off. Useless piece of shit. You don’t go breaking into some poor defenseless girls home. Especially not my poor defenseless girl. I would break someone’s neck for that girl and baby B.
Turning over once again, I kept feeling more and more anger bubbling up inside. I had to get up. Move a little. I moved the blanket to the side and stood on the soft carpet. I needed a drink or something.
I walked to the kitchen for a glass of water. I splashed a little on my face too while I stood there over the sink.
I thought I heard my name being called, but figured my mind was just playing tricks on me. I placed the glass into the sink. As I was walking back to the couch, I thought I heard it again. It worried me.
I tiptoed as quiet as I could through the hall until I was stopped outside the door.
Do I open the door?
I looked at it for a second, hoping that maybe I would hear it again. Just as I reached for the knob. I heard it, and this time I really heard it.
I opened the door and peeked inside. It was dark, but I could make out her figure on the bed.
“Wren,” I whispered.
“Bentley.”
I scooted my feet along, making sure not to trip over anything as I stepped up next to her bed. She was curled up on the other side farther from me.
“You okay?” I asked.
“No,” she sniffed. “I’m really scared. Will you lay with me, please?”
She must have been scared.
Terrified, if she wanted me in there with her.
“Yeah.”
The bed dipped as I climbed in next to her.
“Thanks.”
“You’re welcome,” I said.
I could hear her breathing. The sound of how it left her body loudly, mixed with the smell of fruit that I guessed was her soap or shampoo was doing crazy things to me. This was not a good idea.
I laid there on my back with my hands tucked behind my head. There was no way in hell that I was turning in her direction. I wouldn’t be able to hold back. I wanted her so much that it hurt. I was still wearing my jeans and already my erection was pushed so tightly against my zipper that I just wanted to unzip my pants to feel any kind of release.
Without a single warning, she inched her way closer to my side.
I could only hope that she wouldn’t notice the hardness that was between my legs.
Her head leaned in and rested on my bicep while her body pressed up against my side.
It had been so damn long since I had a woman even try to touch me. Not that I didn’t want that, I just steered clear of any situation that would even remotely put me close. There was too much at stake for me.
A small noise escaped her lips and her hand reached out for my chest.
What the hell was she doing to me?
I looked down at her, and she raised her chin to look at me too.
The tiny little light that shined through the window was lined up perfectly on her face and I could see the lust in her eyes.
Only a lucky, lucky man could say that he had the privilege of seeing the bedroom eyes of that woman.
Dammit, it would make him go weak in the knees.
I wanted to touch her.
To kiss her.
So I did.
I couldn’t fight it anymore.
It was selfish of me, but I took her kiss.
Her lips were warm and soft. I reached my hands down and cupped the sides of her face, pressing her lips harder into mine.
She moved her lips with mine, not fighting me. I glided my tongue along the rim of her lips, begging her to let me in.
She groaned and I felt her hand grip tightly into my shirt, and her mouth parted.
She tasted sweet, and I couldn’t get enough.
The feeling of having something so forbidden was about to make me lose every ounce of control. I could only compare it to a man behind prison bars. A man that longed so much to have something he couldn’t. Then when he finally got it, the feelings were so strong that they swallowed him up, and he couldn’t control himself. It was like Heaven and Hell all at once.
My hand moved down to her swollen breast. I gripped it firmly and pinched her nipple between my fingertips. She bucked her hips forward and released the sexiest sound I had ever heard.
I nearly lost it right there.
The sweat was beading on my forehead and my heart was racing.
And in a split second it was all taken away.
She pulled back and gasped.
“Oh my God. What am I doing?”
All I could do was shake my head. She was running. Again.
“I can’t believe I did that. What the hell was I thinking?” She asked. She was looking at me, but obviously talking to herself.
“You were feeling!” I yelled out. “Dammit, why do you do that?” I was so frustrated. I yelled and I didn’t mean to, but damn.
She set up in the bed.
“I don’t know why you keep pulling away from me. You are fighting it. You felt it Wren. Your body reacted to mine and don’t tell me it didn’t.”
“I told you that I just wanted to be friends.”
“Then why did you look at me like that? Why?” I held my hands out.
“I don’t know. It’s my pregnancy hormones. I want to be touched so badly, all the time.” She explained, and maybe that was true, but she wanted me too. I’d seen that look before. She wants me, but she’s scared to let herself act on it.
“I don’t know if I can do this,” I admitted.
“What?”
I rubbed my hands along my face and sat up next to her. “I can’t be just your friend. It’s too hard. I want to be. I really do. But every time I’m with you I get this feeling. It’s so hard to keep myself from touching you. I want every damn part of you. Not just your friendship. And maybe I am a selfish idiot, but I don’t care. I thought I could do it. I really did. But I can’t. I can’t just be your friend sometime, and your lover never. It’s not fair. All these feelings that I have inside for you scare the hell out of me, but I’m not going to be a coward. I want it all or nothing.”
The tears started to fall down her cheeks.
You stupid, selfish, prick. I thought to myself.
“I’m sorry.” I sighed. I scooted closer to her and patted her back. “I’m an insensitive jerk.”
“No, you’re not. You’re just being honest. Despite your feelings for me, I still wanted to keep you close for friendship. I’m the selfish one.”
“No you’re not.”
“I don’t blame you for wanting to leave. I’m not willing to give you what you want.” She sniffed and wiped the tears from her cheeks. “I wanted so badly to feel the release, to be able to let out all of these pent up hormones. I never once considered your feelings or what kind of signals I’d be sending you. I never even thought about how it’d make me feel. I was only thinking in the moment, and about the throbbing pain between my legs.”
I couldn’t believe what I was about to say. I must have been crazy.
“Let me help you.”
“What?” She snapped her head around so that she was facing me.
“Let me help you find the release you need. I won’t kiss you. I’ll only touch you. Then tomorrow, we will go on about our lives. We won’t talk about this. We won’t bring it up ever.
Just a friend helping a friend.”
“You’re crazy. I can’t do that.” She shook her head. “Hell no. Look at this mess we’ve already gotten ourselves into. This will only make things worse.”
“It can’t get any worse. This is the pits. Now lay back and let me take care of you.”
“What happens tomorrow Bentley? What happens to our friendship?” Her face was sincere. She was worried.
But I couldn’t lie.
“I want all or nothing Wren. I’m sorry I’m breaking our promise. I need time to be away from this. Maybe I can be your friend later, but for now I just need some space.”
She continued to cry. It broke my fucking heart, but I was tired of playing these games. I needed her, and I wanted her so bad. I knew she wanted me too, but until she could come around this wasn’t going to work.
“Let me take care of you tonight. We can have tonight.” I brushed my hand down her damp swollen cheek.
She bit her lip.
“I’ll miss you.” She said.
“I’ll miss you more.”
And I would.
I wrapped my arm around her shoulders and laid her back beside me in the bed.
“Take these off Wren.” I pulled the material that stood between my fingers and her bare skin.
“I can’t believe I’m letting you do this. I’m fucked up.” She said.
“No, you’re not. Girls take these kinds of things from guys all the time.”
“I’m not that kind of girl, and you are my friend.”
“Stop overthinking this. You’ll feel better, and I’ll get to touch you. We both win.” I lied.
She slowly slid off her bottoms, and I gently placed my hand between her legs. She trembled immediately and when I felt the wetness, my stomach dropped to my feet. This wasn’t going to take long. She was throbbing under my fingertips. It was so strong that I knew she was hurting. Maybe it was too hard for her to touch herself. Maybe it was the only reason that she wanted me to touch her. But the look in her eyes would forever be etched into my brain. That longing, and wanting.
I rubbed small circles around her swollen lips and gently over her clit.
Once.
Twice.
Three times, picking up my pace with every movement.
I slipped a finger inside of her, and she released the most amazing noise.
In.
Out.
In.
Out.
I circled her again.
She jerked underneath me and screamed out my name with her release.
That was it. I couldn’t fucking lay there and listen. It was like knife in my cold fucking heart.
I leaned over and kissed her on the forehead. I had to have my lips on her one more time, because it would probably be my last.
She closed her eyes and a single tear rolled down her cheek.
“I’m going back to the couch.”
I stood up and walked out the door. I didn’t look back. I couldn’t.
I’d left my heart in that room with my girl.
She could have it.
No one else would ever own me the way that she did.
I TRIED TO HIDE MY CRIES IN the pillow. Tried hard not to let him know that I was broken. He was lying in the other room just within my reach, and I was too stubborn to go after him.
He brought me a release that I so desperately needed, but the icing on the cake was when I called out his name.
It was a low blow, and it hurt him. It hurt me. It killed me.
He was right when he said that I felt it, because I did. I wanted him because my heart wanted him. The throbbing feeling between my legs was partially because of the hormones, but mostly because he was next to me in the bed. When I looked at him like I wanted him, it was because I did.
Desperately.
I’d probably lost him for good. The only way to make him stay was to tell him how I really felt, but saying it out loud was permanent. I couldn’t take it back once I said it.
Lying there on the bed, I felt like my world was out of control once again. Spiraling down that same hole that I’d worked so hard to crawl myself out of.
I tightened my hands around the blanket and tucked it under my chin as tight as I could. I wasn’t sure how many hours I laid there in a half beaten trance. My eyes fixated on the far wall and I only moved to blink. I was back inside my shell. The hardened shell that protected my heart.
Sometime in those hours, I finally drifted off into a dreamless sleep.
When I woke the next morning, he was gone. He’d left.
No, goodbye.
No fuck you.
Just a neat folded blanket and pillow that set perfectly straight on my couch. That was the only trace of him. Without that, you’d never know he’d been here. You’d never know that he’d been in my life period. There wasn’t one piece of evidence that spoke otherwise. No pictures, no toothbrush, no t-shirts or clothing left behind. Just one pregnant girl and one broken heart.
Four days had gone by. I was feeling worse by the minute.
No calls.
No messages.
Nothing.
This week was Thanksgiving, and Layla had given me the rest of the week off. Each day that I had spent at their house this week was miserable. I waited for him to show up. I left his food in the microwave, but Bentley never showed.
I knew that he’d started his new job, but I’d hoped that I would at least have seen him at some point.
Nothing.
It was starting to choke me. I was starting to feel that lonely feeling again; pushing me two steps further back every day.
I had canceled my appointment with Doctor Miller for the week. I was sure that I’d be getting a call, but it never came. Maybe Bentley told him that we weren’t on the best of terms, or maybe the Doctor just realized that I needed a damn break.
I sat there on my mother’s couch with my legs propped up. Tomorrow was Thanksgiving and I couldn’t wait to have some friends around. Some people to talk to.
Mom kept asking if I was okay. Of course, each time I told her yes, but I lied.
I was becoming a pathological liar.
Seriously.
Totally not in control anymore.
I was sitting there on the couch with my Dane journal in my hands. It had been a while since I’d written him. Telling him what I did with Bentley was going to be hard for me to confess.
Running my fingers along the edges, I took a deep breath.
When I opened to a blank page, I started writing. I knew what I didn’t want to say, but what I had to say.
Dear Dane,
I’m a complete idiot. Not that you didn’t already know that. You made me feel like that often. But this time was different. What I did was horrible. And good. And horrible… All at the same time.
I have been fighting for you since day one. Wanting so badly to have you in my life. I never won that fight. You were never mine. Ever. Now that you’re gone, I’m still trying to fight even though everyone thinks I’m a fool. I’m fighting to hold onto that love I had for you for so long. It didn’t go away. I’m not sure it ever will. It just seems different now.
Now I’m more confused than ever. This guy has stepped into my life unexpectedly. He’s made a total mess of my heart. I don’t know what to do Dane.
I let him touch me. Somewhere deep inside there was a fight in me that was telling me that it was wrong, but an even stronger side was saying that it was right.
It’s not fair.
Things were so much easier when you were here.
Maybe I’m writing you today because I want to ask for forgiveness. Or maybe it’s just because I wanted you to know where my feelings were at. Currently, they are all over the place. But when I think long and hard about where my true feelings lie… Then I know that they’re no longer with you.
In my heart, I love you. I will always love you. But I think I am in love with Bentley.
Love,
Wren
Oh my God. Did I just write that?
I dropped the pen into the book and covered my face with my hands. I can’t believe I just wrote that. I didn’t even think. I just wrote.
I was in love with Bentley.
It was true.
Oh no!
Complete panic was setting in. My breathing was erratic, and I was about to lose it. I tossed the journal into my bag and yelled at mom.
“I’ll be back later. I have to go see Sawyer.”
I grabbed my keys off the hook hanging next to the door and ran out. I didn’t even give Mom time to respond or time to freak out. I jumped in my car and headed towards my best friend. She had to know everything. I needed her.
The drive to her lake house took me ten minutes less than normal. I sped the whole way. I didn’t even call. I just went with my gut hoping she’d be home.
Her truck was in the drive. You couldn’t miss it. That bright yellow could be seen for miles around.
She had the door opened and was looking at me like a crazy person before I even made it up the steps. Not gonna lie, those steps are a lot harder on a pregnant lady.
She smiled. “What are you doing here?” The smile faded as I got closer. “What’s wrong?”
“I need to talk to you.” I was out of breath and truthfully needed to sit down. Talking would have to wait until the oxygen was flowing better.
“Come on.” She led me into the house, and I sat down on her couch. “You’re upset, and you need to start talking.”
“I’m,” I took another big breath. “I’m in love with him Saw.”
“Okay, what’s wrong with that?” She asked.
I cupped my hands around my mouth and nose. “Everything.”
“Not everything,” she sat down beside me. “Dane.” She said matter-of-factly.
All I could do was nod.
“Oh Wren, why do you do this to yourself? All of these years, you’ve put yourself through misery and you’re still doing it. He’s gone. You can let go now.”
“It’s so complicated Saw. Bentley knows nothing about Dane or my past. I can’t tell him. Hell, right now he’s not even talking to me.”
“Why?”
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