by Alice Walker
He your husband, I say. Got to stay with him. Else, what you gon do?
My sister husband caught in the draft, she say. They don’t have no children, Odessa love children. He left her on a little farm. Maybe I go stay with them a while. Me and my children.
I think bout my sister Nettie. Thought so sharp it go through me like a pain. Somebody to run to. It seem too sweet to bear.
Sofia go on, frowning at her glass.
I don’t like to go to bed with him no more, she say. Used to be when he touch me I’d go all out my head. Now when he touch me I just don’t want to be bothered. Once he git on top of me I think bout how that’s where he always want to be. She sip her lemonade. I use to love that part of it, she say. I use to chase him home from the field. Git all hot just watching him put the children to bed. But no more. Now I feels tired all the time. No interest.
Now, now, I say. Sleep on it some, maybe it come back. But I say this just to be saying something. I don’t know nothing bout it. Mr. _____ clam on top of me, do his business, in ten minutes us both sleep. Only time I feel something stirring down there is when I think bout Shug. And that like running to the end of the road and it turn back on itself.
You know the worst part? she say. The worst part is I don’t think he notice. He git up there and enjoy himself just the same. No matter what I’m thinking. No matter what I feel. It just him. Heartfeeling don’t even seem to enter into it. She snort. The fact he can do it like that make me want to kill him.
Us look up the path to the house, see Shug and Mr. _____ sitting on the steps. He reaches over and pick something out her hair.
I don’t know, say Sofia. Maybe I won’t go. Deep down I still love Harpo, but—he just makes me real tired. She yawn. Laugh. I need a vacation, she say. Then she go back to the woodpile, start making some more shingles for the roof.
DEAR GOD,
Sofia right about her sisters. They all big strong healthy girls, look like amazons. They come early one morning in two wagons to pick Sofia up. She don’t have much to take, her and the children clothes, a mattress she made last winter, a looking glass and a rocking chair. The children.
Harpo sit on the steps acting like he don’t care. He making a net for seining fish. He look out toward the creek every once in a while and whistle a little tune. But it nothing compared to the way he usually whistle. His little whistle sound like it lost way down in a jar, and the jar in the bottom of the creek.
At the last minute I decide to give Sofia the quilt. I don’t know what her sister place be like, but we been having right smart cold weather long in now. For all I know, she and the children have to sleep on the floor.
You gon let her go? I ast Harpo.
He look like only a fool could ast the question. He puff back, She made up her mind to go, he say. How I’m gon stop her? Let her go on, he say, cutting his eyes at her sister wagons.
Us sit on the steps together. All us hear from inside is the thump, thump, thump of plump and stout feet. All Sofia sisters moving round together at one time make the house shake.
Where us going? ast the oldest girl.
Going to visit Aunt Odessa, say Sofia.
Daddy coming? she ast.
Naw, say Sofia.
How come daddy ain’t coming? another one ast.
Daddy need to stay here and take care of the house. Look after Dilsey, Coco and Boo.
The child come stand in front of his daddy and just look at him real good.
You not coming? he say.
Harpo say, Naw.
Child go whisper to the baby crawling round on the floor, Daddy not coming with us, what you think of that.
Baby sit real still, strain real hard, fart.
Us all laugh, but it sad too. Harpo pick it up, finger the daidie, and get her ready for a change.
I don’t think she wet, say Sofia. Just gas.
But he change her anyway. Him and the baby over in a corner of the little porch out of the way of traffic. He use the old dry daidie to wipe his eyes.
At the last, he hand Sofia the baby and she sling it up side her hip, sling a sack of daidies and food over her shoulder, corral all the little ones together, tell ’em to Say Good-bye to Daddy. Then she hug me best she can what with the baby and all, and she clam up on the wagon. Every sister just about got a child tween her knees, cept the two driving the mules, and they all quiet as they leave Sofia and Harpo yard and drive on up past the house.
DEAR GOD,
Sofia gone six months, Harpo act like a different man. Used to be a homebody, now all the time in the road.
I ast him what going on. He say, Miss Celie, I done learned a few things.
One thing he learned is that he cute. Another that he smart. Plus, he can make money. He don’t say who the teacher is.
I hadn’t heard so much hammering since before Sofia left, but every evening after he leave the field, he knocking down and nailing up. Sometime his friend Swain come by to help. The two of them work all into the night. Mr. _____ have to call down to tell them to shut up the racket.
What you building? I ast.
Jukejoint, he say.
Way back here?
No further back than any of the others.
I don’t know nothing bout no others, only bout the Lucky Star.
Jukejoint sposed to be back in the woods, say Harpo. Nobody be bothered by the loud music. The dancing. The fights.
Swain say, the killings.
Harpo say, and the polices don’t know where to look.
What Sofia gon say bout what you doing to her house? I ast. Spose she and the children come back. Where they gon sleep.
They ain’t coming back, say Harpo, nailing together planks for a counter.
How you know? I ast.
He don’t answer. He keep working, doing every thing with Swain.
DEAR GOD,
The first week, nobody come. Second week, three or four. Third week, one. Harpo sit behind his little counter listening to Swain pick his box.
He got cold drinks, he got barbecue, he got chitlins, got store bought bread. He got a sign saying Harpo’s tacked up on the side of the house and another one out on the road. But he ain’t got no customers.
I go down the path to the yard, stand outside, look in. Harpo look out and wave.
Come on in, Miss Celie, he say.
I say, Naw thank you.
Mr. _____ sometime walk down, have a cold drink, listen to Swain. Miss Shug walk down too, every once in a while. She still wearing her little shifts, and I still cornrow her hair, but it getting long now and she say soon she want it press.
Harpo puzzle by Shug. One reason is she say whatever come to mind, forgit about polite. Sometime I see him staring at her real hard when he don’t think I’m looking.
One day he say, Nobody coming way out here just to hear Swain. Wonder could I get the Queen Honeybee?
I don’t know, I said. She a lot better now, always humming or singing something. She probably be glad to git back to work. Why don’t you ask her?
Shug say his place not much compared to what she used to, but she think maybe she might grace it with a song.
Harpo and Swain got Mr. ____ to give ’em some of Shug old announcements from out the trunk. Crossed out The Lucky Star of Coalman Road, put in Harpo’s of _____ plantation. Stuck ’em on trees tween the turn off to our road and town. The first Saturday night so many folks come they couldn’t git in.
Shug, Shug baby, us thought you was dead.
Five out of a dozen say hello to Shug like that.
And come to find out it was you, Shug say with a big grin.
At last I git to see Shug Avery work. I git to watch her. I git to hear her.
Mr. _____ didn’t want me to come. Wives don’t go to places like that, he say.
Yeah, but Celie going, say Shug, while I press her hair. Spose I git sick while I’m singing, she say. Spose my dress come undone? She wearing a skintight red dress look like the straps made out of two pieces of thread.
Shug Avery finally say, Good thing I ain’t your damn wife.
He hush then. All three of us go down to Harpo’s. Mr. _____ and me sit at the same table. Mr. _____ drink whiskey. I have a cold drink.
First Shug sing a song by somebody name Bessie Smith. She say Bessie somebody she know. Old friend. It call A Good Man Is Hard to Find. She look over at Mr. _____ a little when she sing that. I look over at him too. For such a little man, he all puff up. Look like all he can do to stay in his chair. I look at Shug and I feel my heart begin to cramp. It hurt me so, I cover it with my hand. I think I might as well be under the table, for all they care. I hate the way I look, I hate the way I’m dress. Nothing but churchgoing clothes in my chifferobe. And Mr. _____ looking at Shug’s bright black skin in her tight red dress, her feet in little sassy red shoes. Her hair shining in waves.
Before I know it, tears meet under my chin.
And I’m confuse.
He love looking at Shug. I love looking at Shug.
But Shug don’t love looking at but one of us. Him.
But that the way it spose to be. I know that. But if that so, why my heart hurt me so?
My head droop so it near bout in my glass.
Then I hear my name.
Shug saying Celie. Miss Celie. And I look up where she at.
She say my name again. She say this song I’m bout to sing is call Miss Celie’s song. Cause she scratched it out of my head when I was sick.
First she hum it a little, like she do at home. Then she sing the words.
It all about some no count man doing her wrong, again. But I don’t listen to that part. I look at her and I hum along a little with the tune.
First time somebody made something and name it after me.
DEAR GOD,
Pretty soon it be time for Shug to go. She sing every week-end now at Harpo’s. He make right smart money off of her, and she make some too. Plus she gitting strong again and stout. First night or two her songs come out good but a little weak, now she belt them out. Folks out in the yard hear her with no trouble. She and Swain sound real good together. She sing, he pick his box. It nice at Harpo’s. Little tables all round the room with candles on them that I made, lot of little tables outside too, by the creek. Sometime I look down the path from our house and it look like a swarm of lightening bugs all in and through Sofia house. In the evening Shug can’t wait to go down there.
One day she say to me, Well, Miss Celie, I believe it time for me to go.
When? I ast.
Early next month, she say. June. June a good time to go off into the world.
I don’t say nothing. Feel like I felt when Nettie left.
She come over and put her hand on my shoulder.
He beat me when you not here, I say.
Who do, she say, Albert?
Mr. ____, I say.
I can’t believe it, she say. She sit down on the bench next to me real hard, like she drop.
What he beat you for? she ast.
For being me and not you.
Oh, Miss Celie, she say, and put her arms around me.
Us sit like that for maybe half a hour. Then she kiss me on the fleshy part of my shoulder and stand up.
I won’t leave, she say, until I know Albert won’t even think about beating you.
DEAR GOD,
Now we all know she going sometime soon, they sleep together at night. Not every night, but almost every night, from Friday to Monday.
He go down to Harpo’s to watch her sing. And just to look at her. Then way late they come home. They giggle and they talk and they rassle until morning. Then they go to bed until it time for her to get ready to go back to work.
First time it happen, it was a accident. Feeling just carried them away. That what Shug say. He don’t say nothing.
She ast me, Tell me the truth, she say, do you mind if Albert sleep with me?
I think, I don’t care who Albert sleep with. But I don’t say that.
I say, You might git big again.
She say, Naw, not with my sponge and all.
You still love him, I ast.
She say, I got what you call a passion for him. If I was ever going to have a husband he’d a been it. But he weak, she say. Can’t make up his mind what he want. And from what you tell me he a bully. Some things I love about him though, she say. He smell right to me. He so little. He make me laugh.
You like to sleep with him? I ast.
Yeah, Celie she say, I have to confess, I just love it. Don’t you?
Naw, I say. Mr. _____ can tell you, I don’t like it at all.
What is it like? He git up on you, heist your nightgown round your waist, plunge in. Most times I pretend I ain’t there. He never know the difference. Never ast me how I feel, nothing. Just do his business, get off, go to sleep.
She start to laugh. Do his business, she say. Do his business. Why, Miss Celie. You make it sound like he going to the toilet on you.
That what it feel like, I say.
She stop laughing.
You never enjoy it at all? she ast, puzzle. Not even with your children daddy?
Never, I say.
Why Miss Celie, she say, you still a virgin.
What? I ast.
Listen, she say, right down there in your pussy is a little button that gits real hot when you do you know what with somebody. It git hotter and hotter and then it melt. That the good part. But other parts good too, she say. Lot of sucking go on, here and there, she say. Lot of finger and tongue work.
Button? Finger and tongue? My face hot enough to melt itself.
She say, Here, take this mirror and go look at yourself down there, I bet you never seen it, have you?
Naw.
And I bet you never seen Albert down there either.
I felt him, I say.
I stand there with the mirror.
She say, What, too shame even to go off and look at yourself? And you look so cute too, she say, laughing. All dressed up for Harpo’s, smelling good and everything, but scared to look at your own pussy.
You come with me while I look, I say.
And us run off to my room like two little prankish girls.
You guard the door, I say.
She giggle. Okay, she say. Nobody coming. Coast clear.
I lie back on the bed and haul up my dress. Yank down my bloomers. Stick the looking glass tween my legs. Ugh. All that hair. Then my pussy lips be black. Then inside look like a wet rose.
It a lot prettier than you thought, ain’t it? she say from the door.
It mine, I say. Where the button?
Right up near the top, she say. The part that stick out a little.
I look at her and touch it with my finger. A little shiver go through me. Nothing much. But just enough to tell me this the right button to mash. Maybe.
She say, While you looking, look at your titties too. I haul up my dress and look at my titties. Think bout my babies sucking them. Remember the little shiver I felt then too. Sometimes a big shiver. Best part about having the babies was feeding ’em.
Albert and Harpo coming, she say. And I yank up my drawers and yank down my dress. I feel like us been doing something wrong.
I don’t care if you sleep with him, I say.
And she take me at my word.
I take me at my word too.
But when I hear them together all I can do is pull the quilt over my head and finger my little button and titties and cry.
DEAR GOD,
One night while Shug singing a hot one, who should come prancing through the door of Harpo’s but Sofia.
She with a big tall hefty man look like a prize fighter.
She her usual stout and bouncy self.
Oh, Miss Celie, she cry. It so good to see you again. It even good to see Mr. ____, she say. She take one of his hands. Even if his handshake is a little w
eak, she say.
He act real glad to see her.
Here, pull up a chair, he say. Have a cold drink.
Gimme a shot of white lightening, she say.
Prizefighter pull up a chair, straddle it backwards, hug on Sofia like they at home.
I see Harpo cross the room with his little yellowskin girlfriend. He look at Sofia like she a hant.
This Henry Broadnax, Sofia say. Everybody call him Buster. Good friend of the family.
How you all? he say. He smile pleasant and us keep listening to the music. Shug wearing a gold dress that show her titties near bout to the nipple. Everybody sorta hoping something break. But that dress strong.
Man oh man, say Buster. Fire department won’t do. Somebody call the Law.
Mr. _____ whisper to Sofia. Where your children at?
She whisper back, My children at home, where yours?
He don’t say nothing.
Both the girls bigged and gone. Bub in and out of jail. If his grandaddy wasn’t the colored uncle of the sheriff who look just like Bub, Bub be lynch by now.
I can’t git over how good Sofia look.
Most women with five children look a little peaked, I say to her cross the table when Shug finish her song. You look like you ready for five more.
Oh, she say, I got six children now, Miss Celie.
Six. I am shock.
She toss her head, look over at Harpo. Life don’t stop just cause you leave home, Miss Celie. You know that.
My life stop when I left home, I think. But then I think again. It stop with Mr. _____ maybe, but start up again with Shug.
Shug come over and she and Sofia hug.
Shug say, Girl, you look like a good time, you do.
That when I notice how Shug talk and act sometimes like a man. Men say stuff like that to women, Girl, you look like a good time. Women always talk bout hair and health. How many babies living or dead, or got teef. Not bout how some woman they hugging on look like a good time.
All the men got they eyes glued to Shug’s bosom. I got my eyes glued there too. I feel my nipples harden under my dress. My little button sort of perk up too. Shug, I say to her in my mind, Girl, you looks like a real good time, the Good Lord knows you do.