Loyal Subjects

by Eva Charles

  “After the fact. You were going to tell me after the fact. Teddy is my child. You aren’t allowed to pull crap like this. I almost feel like I can’t trust you.”

  “Don’t you think you’re exaggerating just a wee bit?”

  I stepped back for a minute. “Maybe.”

  “How did you hear?”

  I wasn’t ratting out my source.

  “Don’t tell me. Jake. Little girl with a big mouth.”

  “It doesn’t matter how I found out.”

  “Teddy was so happy, but I suppose Jake already told you that, too.”

  “Teddy would be happy if you let him drive your Jeep around the block, but I hope you wouldn’t let him do that.”

  “Of course not. He can’t reach the pedals.”

  “Mark, you had your brothers go to school to show up a seven-year-old.”

  “That seven-year-old is a trash talker with all the makings of a bully.”

  “He’s seven.”

  “They all start somewhere. Trust me, I did him a huge favor today.”

  “Will is a United States senator.”

  “So, what’s your point? Just because he weighs every word like he’s the freakin’ Queen of England, don’t let that fool you. He enjoys a good pissing match as much as anybody. He was in town. I don’t think he would have flown in from DC.”

  “And Luke has a date with the first-grade teacher?”

  “Yeah. Sorry about that. I told him you wouldn’t be happy about it. Luke’s a whore. Can’t take him anywhere. I told him they couldn’t go out until school’s out for the summer. Give Teddy the creeps dating his teacher from last year. I’m sure by the time June rolls around, they’ll both be onto greener pastures.”

  I took a breath. I was feeling out of control, because I’d lost control. “What did today teach Teddy?”

  “It taught him there’s a whole family behind him whenever he needs us.”

  “Mark, you’re not his family. You’re a man I’m dating. This doesn’t involve Teddy. Not really.”

  “My relationship with Teddy is separate from my relationship with you. If things don’t work out with us, I’m still planning on seeing him.”

  “For how long? Until you meet your next girlfriend?”

  “For as long as he wants to hang out.”

  Teddy and Ruth were already eating dinner when I walked in. “Sorry I’m late. The traffic was awful.” I kissed Teddy and washed my hands before joining them at the table.

  “I heard you had a big day.”

  He nodded. “It was fun.”

  “All Mark’s brothers were there, huh?”

  He nodded, but he didn’t look anywhere near as happy as I expected. Maybe Mark and Jake misread the whole thing.

  “Why didn’t you tell me about all this when I picked you up?” Ruth asked.

  My son stared into his dinner, and shrugged.

  “I think this might be a good weekend to get a pumpkin. What do you think?” I asked.

  He nodded. “A huge pumpkin. And maybe a small one I can paint.”

  “It’s a plan.”

  No one brought up the subject of bring a friend to school again, until I was sitting on Teddy’s bed, saying good-night.

  “Today was so fun, Mom. Everybody had fun. Even Robbie was nice. All the big guys came and they had balls and hats. Then we played in the gym.”

  “It sounds like Robbie has been mean to you.”

  “He’s a little mean to everybody.”

  “Why didn’t you tell me?”

  “I can take care of it.”

  “You don’t have to take care of everything. I can help you.”

  “Mark said Robbie acts obnoxious because his big brothers aren’t nice to him. He said when kids are jerks it’s usually for a reason.”

  “He said that, huh?”

  “Yeah. It might be part of the man code. I can’t remember.”

  “The man code?” I squeaked.

  “You know, no hitting girls even if they’re really mean. Even if you really, really want to. Just no. And if you do something bad, you got to step up. No pretending it was somebody else.”

  “Oh. It sounds like good advice.”

  “Mark has good ideas.”

  I bit my lip so as not to laugh. “How come you didn’t mention to Grammy that Mark and his brothers came to school?”

  “I dunno.”

  “I think maybe you do know.”

  “She doesn’t like Mark. I thought she’d be mad.”

  “How do you know she doesn’t like him?”

  “Tiger Balm. She always wears it when Mark comes over. I think he gives her a headache.”

  “She doesn’t really know Mark. I think if she did, she’d like him. It’s just been the three of us for a long time, and I think she’s worried that we might not love her as much, if we love Mark.”

  “But the more people you love, the more bigger your heart gets, so you have enough love for everyone. Mark told me. He told me it was true because that’s what his mom told him. If you have more babies, you’ll still love me the same, maybe more.”

  I had no idea how babies came up, and I was afraid to ask. “Good-night, sweetheart.”

  “Good-night, Mommy.”

  I stood outside the bedroom door, trying to figure out how to talk to Ruth. I couldn’t have Teddy feeling torn between his loyalty to Mark and to her. That wasn’t fair to him. I could hear the clanging of pots as I got closer to the kitchen.

  “Is he down for the night?”

  “Almost. Ruth, we need to talk.”

  “Is something wrong?”

  “I love you, and I loved Tim with all my heart. But he’s not coming back. And…and I don’t want to be alone anymore.”

  She turned her back on me, but she didn’t walk away.

  “I like Mark, a lot. Will anything come of the relationship? I don’t know. I think it’s too soon to know.”

  “You’re moving too quickly.”

  “Teddy likes Mark, too,” I said gently. “And Mark is good to him. But Teddy knows you don’t like him, and that’s why he didn’t tell you what happened today at school.”

  “That’s ridiculous. I never told him I don’t like that man.”

  “You didn’t need to. It’s obvious. Whenever he’s around, you’re tense and angry.”

  “What I don’t like is how you are with him. It’s like Teddy isn’t the center of your life anymore.”

  A funny thing happened right then. I didn’t shrink at her words, and I didn’t second-guess myself.

  “I know you’re hurting, but that’s not fair. Teddy will always be the center of my life. But I’m starting to believe there’s room for other people, too. I know this is hard for you. It was really hard for me, too. But it’s getting easier. At first, I felt guilty for dating Mark, like I was somehow betraying Tim. I struggled with that for a while, and sometimes I still feel a small pang of sadness. This is an adjustment for all of us.”

  “He’s wheedling his way in. Being in your bed isn’t enough. He wants to be Teddy’s father. Teddy has a father. Even if you never told Tim about the baby.”

  “Tim died doing exactly what he wanted to be doing. He loved flying. We talked about the risks. But he felt free and energized in the air.”

  “He never would have signed on for that deployment if you told him about the baby.”

  We learned I was pregnant right before Tim deployed. He warned me not to tell his parents until we absolutely had to. “They’ll take over your life, Emmie. Let’s keep it our secret for as long as we can,” he insisted. When he died, I didn’t have the heart to tell Ruth we’d kept the pregnancy a secret from her. That Tim insisted on it. I let her believe that Tim didn’t know, that I hadn’t told him before he left. It allowed her to keep the image of him as the dutiful son, but she made my life hell over it.

  “Ruth, you know deployments aren’t voluntary. Your unit goes, you go. We’ve been through this before. I’m trying here. Mark’
s trying. I need you to try too. If you can’t do it for me, do it for Teddy.”

  “This isn’t going to end well, Emmie. I have a bad feeling about it.”

  “Maybe not. But I’m tired of sitting at the edge of the pool, scared and alone. If it doesn’t end well, I’ll pick up the pieces. I’m not a stranger to bad endings.”

  “What about your son?”

  “I will teach my son what his father would have taught him: If you never get on a plane, it’s unlikely you’ll die from a plane crash, but you’ll never experience the world. Some rewards are so great, they’re worth the risks.” That’s how Tim had explained his love of flying to his parents. He meant every word.

  “It’s all gibberish. I didn’t believe it then, and I don’t believe it now.”

  Mark and I texted often during the day. Most of the time just to say hello, although he regularly inquired about my panties. Was I wearing any? The answer was always yes, but it didn’t stop him from asking. No matter how much we checked in during the day, even on the nights we had dinner together, we talked on the phone or FaceTimed every night after Teddy went to bed. Tonight, even after our disagreement about one-upping Robbie, I called him.

  “Hey.”

  “You still mad?”

  “No. I was never mad. I was just…surprised. I don’t like surprises when it comes to Teddy. I’m not used to it.”

  “There was never a chance of any harm or danger today, Emmie.”

  “I know. I called to tell you Teddy had a great time. He was still talking about it when he went to sleep.”

  “You should have seen him. He was smiling from ear-to-ear the whole time.”

  “Thank you for making him happy.”

  “Can you imagine a time, ever, when you’ll let me make decisions about Teddy? I don’t mean whether he needs braces, or which college would be the best fit for him. I mean the little things that come up every day, like whether he can have a soda instead of juice with dinner, or have ice cream in a cone instead of a dish? Will you ever be comfortable letting me make those decisions?”

  I didn’t say anything. It would have been easy to say yes, of course. But I wasn’t sure. “Honestly, I don’t know. I’ve never imagined sharing responsibility for Teddy with anyone.”

  “You let Ruth make decisions. Controlling, inflexible decisions. Like he’s a robot instead of a little boy.”

  “I know exactly what Ruth is going to decide for him. There are never any surprises, at least nothing more than a blip. Everyone has different parenting styles. Just because you don’t agree with them doesn’t make them wrong.”

  “I want you to remember what you just said. I’m going to write it down. But you never answered my question.”

  Mark was challenging me. It was becoming a regular occurrence. I could feel the push. “It’s been just us for so long…maybe we can start slow.”

  “Slow. Like you’ll let me take him to a ball game?”

  “That’s not slow. There are tens of thousands of people there. Some of them are pedophiles. What if he has to go to the bathroom?”

  “I’ll go with him.”

  “If you turn your back for a half-second, he could be gone. Let’s start with something smaller.”

  “How about if you let me take him to the Blues’ Park for batting practice? We’ll sit in the stands and eat lunch with my brother Drew. He eats lunch there every day. Not many people around. And Drew’s got his own private bathroom.”

  Drew was the general manager of the Boston Blues baseball team, and an all-around great guy. “You are a manipulative dog, Mark Harrington. You knew I was never going to go for the ball game but you threw it out first, so I would see batting practice as a more reasonable alternative.”

  He laughed. “You have a big brain. Have I ever told you how much I like that in a woman?”

  “You know, I’ve never been to batting practice, either. And I like Drew.”

  “Now who’s being manipulative?”

  Mark was a good driver. He had a safe car, and Drew was a good influence. This was one of those times where I couldn’t tell whether I was being irrationally overprotective, or whether my instincts were right on point, and Mark was pushing too fast. “Come up with a concrete plan, and we’ll discuss it.”

  “You make it sound like we’re invading Rhode Island, planting our flag on the Hill, and taking the Big Blue Bug hostage. It’s batting practice.”

  “You want too much.”

  “I want everything, Sunshine. I keep telling you that.”

  22

  Emmie

  I heard the laughter before they were anywhere near the kitchen. “Hey you guys! Did you have fun?”

  Teddy nodded up and down like a bobblehead toy. “They were rippin’ the ball off the bats, Mom.”

  I heard Mark in his voice, and it tugged at my heartstrings. “Rippin’ the balls off the bats, huh?”

  “It was great. Crip fall day with lots of sun, perfect to sit in the stands and watch batting practice. It never gets old,” Mark said.

  “I want to hear everything. Did you guys have lunch?”

  Teddy nodded. “We had hot dogs and beer.”

  Mark winked at me, and I played along. “Beer?”

  The giggles erupted slowly from my bright-eyed son. “Root beer.”

  I placed a hand over my heart. “Phew! That’s a relief. But I thought you didn’t like wieners? I guess they taste better at the ballpark.”

  Teddy glanced at Mark. And Mark nodded. It was an entire conversation without words.

  “I told Teddy we could have pizza for dinner. If it’s okay with you.”

  “Sounds great. I’ll make a big salad to go with it.”

  “Let’s just order salad. Then you can hang out and relax. We’re putting this model together tonight.” Mark placed a bag on the table. “Maybe you can read the directions. I don’t have the patience for that.”

  “We’re going to watch a movie, too.”

  “The movie part was for your mom and me.”

  “Oh yeah.” Teddy grinned. “I forgot. I’m gonna go look at my new baseball cards.”

  “Why don’t you wash your hands and take a little rest first.”

  “I’m not tired.”

  “Take your baseball cards up on the bed, and look at them there. It’s been a big day. Some quiet time would be good. That way you’ll be rested to put the model together.”

  He didn’t grumble too much as he trooped out of the kitchen.

  “Ruth’s got a headache?”

  “How did you know?”

  “Tiger Balm. Teddy ratted her out.”

  “She loves the stuff. Swears it works better than pills.”

  “Did she go running out of here as soon as she heard the car?”

  “Pretty much.”

  “Too bad about the headache. I guess she won’t be having dinner with us.”

  “You’re terrible.”

  “What I still can’t figure out, is why you use Bag Balm and she uses Tiger Balm. I just don’t get it.”

  “You like how smooth Bag Balm makes my lips.”

  “Do I? I can’t remember. Let me see.” He cupped my face and teased my lips with his, until all my girly parts were tingling.

  “Think he’ll take a nap?”

  “Not a chance. Those days are long over.”

  “Sorry I missed them.”

  “Tell me about what we’re putting together tonight.”

  “It’s a model I picked up last week. Not too many pieces. With a little help, Teddy will be able to assemble most of it himself.”

  I peeked inside the bag and my heart stopped. “It’s an Apache helicopter.”

  “Yep.”

  “Mark, you didn’t… you don’t have to…”

  “Tim is…was…Teddy’s father.”

  “Does it feel…”

  “Weird? I don’t know. Not really. But this is all new. I guess I’d always expected there would be a woman, and we’d hang out just
the two of us for a while, then there would be kids.” He shrugged.

  “I think that’s how most people imagine their life. I don’t think many men fantasize about a widow and a seven-year-old. That’s not how fairy tales go. And despite what people say, I think men believe in fairy tales, too. It’s not just a girl thing.”

  “We like some fairy tales, like Snow White and the Seven Dwarfs. Although it’s probably some reverse harem thing, and the joke’s on us.”

  “Let’s put the fairy tales aside for a minute. Are you comfortable with the fact that I’ve been married before and have a child?”

  “I’ve never been the kind of guy who worries about the size of my dick, if that’s what you’re wondering. And there might have been one or two women in my life before you.”

  “Only one or two. Of course.” I smiled.

  “This is going to sound selfish and maybe a little awful, but I think it would have been more difficult if you were divorced and he was hanging around, making your life, or Teddy’s, miserable. I wouldn’t be good with that type of arrangement. Probably end up in jail.”

  “No, I don’t suppose you would be. And it’s not selfish. It’s human. I’m so happy we’re talking about this.”

  “I don’t spend a nanosecond thinking about you and Tim together. It would be destructive, and it would eat me up inside. But the more I hang around, the more I wonder how Tim plays into my relationship with Teddy. I want it to be comfortable for him. Always.”

  I launched myself at the beautiful man in my kitchen. Beautiful inside, where it truly mattered, and out. Always thinking about me, and about my son. “You are the best thing that has ever come into our lives.”

  He touched my heart more often than I ever thought possible. I wanted to tell him I loved him, and I almost did. But the words lodged in my throat, as he held me against him.

  “Don’t get all mushy on me, Sunshine. Because there’s something we need to discuss before Teddy comes back.”

  I pulled back from him. “Is something wrong? Did something happen at the ballpark?”