The Virginity Mission

by Cate Ellink

  Like a person devoid of social skills I dumbly nod and wave my hand at the clear water beside me. Every single thought escapes my head as he sits beside me. No doubt I wear a dumb expression while my hungry stare darts across his body as if I’ve never seen a man before. His legs match his arms. Muscled, toned, good enough to bite. I turn away, blushing furiously. I have the hots for a man too old and totally out of reach, not to mention the rules about no fraternisation with the army guys. Great.

  “Thanks for the water.” His voice is not as deep or loud as I expected—no panther growl. It’s one of those delicious voices I could listen to for hours. The kind that heats my blood, soothes my soul and makes sure I know I’m alive.

  I must still be in shock because I don’t react at all, forcing him to say, “You did leave the water bottle, didn’t you?” This time his voice is hesitant and his uncertainty relaxes me. I can speak to someone who’s tentative far more easily than someone sure of themself. Maybe he’s not so far from reach. Hell. Imagine having sex with the Panther Man. My mouth dries at the thought. My eyes inadvertently drop to the front of his shorts imagining his cock thick, hard and ready for me. I shudder and halt those thoughts.

  “Yes.” I shrug, feigning a casualness I don’t feel. “Stupid I know, but I was thirsty. I thought you might be too.” I stare intently at the water running past my toes. He must think I’m an idiot.

  “Not stupid at all. I needed it. Thanks.”

  Wow! Maybe he doesn’t think I’m strange. I might have a hope. I glance at him from the corner of my eye. Hot as hell. I have no hope.

  We sit in riveting silence. I’m not sure what happened to my intelligence but it’s definitely gone. I can’t think of a single topic of conversation. Every part of me is concentrating on the man sitting beside me and the thousand questions running through my mind that I’m too embarrassed to ask. Why on earth is he here? How did he know I left the water? Did he come to the creek to find me? Why did he thank me? Could he have sex with me, right here, right now?

  “So, how’s the trip going? How’s your group?” His voice is coarse sand running over stones—rough and abrasive, but at the same time bone-meltingly soft with strange inflections, like he’s whispering just to me.

  There is not a drop of moisture in my mouth. My friend Mardi would kill me for acting like this. I shrug as I search for words.

  “It’s fine.” Such eloquence. Honestly, I’m a moron.

  “Where are you off to for the next few days?”

  Oh great, a man with patience. I smile at my own mental humour. I have to make an effort to string words together or I’ll kick myself forever. He’s making an effort with me, it’s the least I can manage.

  “Somehow I’ve ended up in the super fit, gung-ho group. We’re going on some huge big loop to test how far we can walk in this terrain. I’ll be lucky if I make it.” Why on earth have I blurted out the truth to him—super fit, muscle man? I truly am a moron.

  “That’s not the attitude to have before you even start.” The words themselves are scolding but his tone’s amused. I look up unsure how to take his comment. His smile softens the chastisement, although his eyes have a look of concern, like he’s worried about me. He probably isn’t used to wimps and he’s trying to toughen me up. At least he didn’t yell like I imagine army people do.

  “Sorry. I’m wondering why I’m here. I’m not sure how I got picked.” Oh great, more honesty. Can’t I censor my mouth?

  “Are you a defeatist?”

  I drop my hand then lift it, watching the water catch the sunlight as it trickles through my fingers. I keep doing it, finding it somewhat soothing while I bare my soul to a stranger. A total stranger I want to jump. A stranger who’s probably never heard anyone with so many doubts.

  “Not usually. I’ve always thought I was pretty tough. But here, in my group, I don’t belong. Everyone’s super fit with piles of muscles. It’s a scientific trip. I thought they’d be nerdier.”

  He chuckles. I look up at him from the corner of my eye and then turn my head to look at him more closely. There are a few beats of silence before he says, “Do you think I fit in here?” His lips are set in a wry grin, which pulls them into a tight line. They don’t look kissable like this.

  I tip my head away as I examine him. He’s watching me but his look is gentle. He doesn’t catch hold of my gaze but allows it to wander. It isn’t what I expect. He isn’t what I expect. I’m feeling more and more comfortable each moment, yet I shouldn’t be. He’s off limits. “You look like you fit in to me.”

  “What makes me fit in and you not?”

  “You’re athletic.” Understatement of the year considering the muscles in those limbs. “You’re relaxed. You come down here and talk to people. You seem to get along with the other army guys.” I shrug. “You fit in.” In the beats of silence that follow, I realise I’ve made a hell of a lot of observations in a short period.

  “And you?”

  “I’m more scrawny than muscled.” The way his gaze strolls over my body and down my legs makes me almost curl into a ball and hide. Another part wants to stretch out and bask in that gaze, pretending I have a body he admires.

  He makes no comment so I keep talking. “I’ve done a bit of camping and bushwalking but nothing this rough or isolated. I think I’m too inexperienced to be here.”

  He makes no sound. My words hang in the air uncomfortably. I can’t believe I’ve blurted all this to a man I want to impress. Mardi will murder me. What’s happening to me?

  Finally, he says, “So why are you here?”

  One of those half-snort, half-chuckle things I give when I feel completely stupid and embarrassed pops out before I can stop it. I speak quickly to cover up my embarrassment. “I didn’t feel like this when I applied, or when I left home. It’s a recent thing.”

  “Are you going to chuck it in?”

  I stare at him, my eyes are wide open. For a moment I stall. Then my mouth opens. “No way.”

  “So why bitch about it? You’re here, enjoy the experience.” The words sound harsh but his delivery is not. It’s encouraging, not rebuking and I find myself answering honestly, again.

  “I don’t want to let anyone down. I don’t want to be the weakest person in the group. I don’t want to fail.”

  “Then don’t.”

  My look, I hope, holds every bit of confusion and frustration I feel. I don’t understand what he’s saying. Why am I baring my soul to him? Why does he care? I don’t even know why he’s talking to me. In my dreams he’d be a fantastic sex prospect and now I’ve told him what an idiot I am. Bonking needs confidence and I’ve just told him I have none. Totally fucking brilliant.

  “If you’re going to stick at it, then toughen up your attitude. Back yourself. Give yourself courage. Take a hold of life, don’t let it pass you by.” He smiles a slow sexy smile that gives his lips a sensual motion and his eyes a dazzling gleam. I can’t help but answer that smile with one of my own which peals across my face involuntarily.

  “Thanks. That sounds like the best advice I’ve heard.” I hold out my hand. “I’m Mac.”

  “Jason.” He takes my hand in his. My palm’s alive. Tingling. Burning and freezing at the same time.

  He grins even more sexily. “I’m afraid advice like that costs more than just a handshake.”

  I blink. What did he just say? Did I dream that? I open my mouth to ask, but he gently tugs my hand. I fall into him. One hand lays flat against his chest, where he guided it. The other flies from the water to splat against the heated skin of his shoulder, dripping water over his singlet. I’m not sure where to look, what to do. His mouth hovers over mine no more than an inch away. My eyes lock on his completely kissable lips. The urge to sink into them is huge but I’m not that brave. His lips part and I drift closer. Maybe I am that brave.

  “How good did you say the advice was?” His words send a wisp of breath dancing across my lower lip before it disappears into the air. There’s laughte
r in his voice, even a smile on his lips. Mine aren’t responding. I’m frozen.

  His lips are so close. Is he going to kiss me?

  My voice is lost, again. I search for words, any words, while my fingers dip into the tight muscle of his well-rounded shoulder. Is he teasing me? His eyes keep flicking quickly away from me and back again, as if he’s watching everyone else. I hope he’s teasing. I know how to respond to teasing but I want him to kiss me.

  Finally, something pops into my head. The words unblock my frozen body.

  “It was good advice.” I grin as I look up into his eyes. His eyes have that dancing gleam of amusement. Little crinkles hover at the outer edges. I can tease right back. Have a bit of fun while wishing for a kiss. “Maybe even priceless.” My voice is husky when it comes out. It sounds like I want sex. Can he hear that?

  His eyes darken, drawing me closer and giving me the confidence to grin. Just as I’ve decided he’s only teasing, his lips meet mine. Warmth runs from them, igniting something within me even though his lips barely touch mine. I lean further into him. His lips capture mine, so lightly. The tip of his tongue slides against the seam of my lips and I shudder. He pulls away. Not far, but enough so I no longer feel drowned in him. Eyes still dark, lips still parted, he looks like a man deserving more.

  What was his advice? Don’t let life pass you by. I drag up every ounce of risk-taking I have in me. I lean forwards and touch my lips hesitantly to his. It’s heady.

  I’ve never initiated a kiss with an older man, let alone a professional soldier. It allows me the time to think, not just react. His taste is his scent magnified by a thousand. I can’t get enough. So male, so strong, so him.

  My lips dart, teasing with a soft kiss and a harder, more confident kiss. Imitating him, my tongue slides against the seam of his mouth. Dear heaven, I almost die. His taste is on my lips, my tongue. I’m filled by the scent of male, eucalypt and wood smoke. There’s a contained strength to him I feel from his lips, like he’s holding himself tightly, letting me explore.

  Not being the most experienced kisser in the world, I’m not sure what to do next. I open my mouth to taste more. He pulls away sharply and my mouth is left tasting air.

  I’ve been told many times I’m no poker player. Confusion has to be showing on my face. He’s only a few inches from me, but I feel ridiculous.

  When I take another look, he doesn’t look horrified or scarred by the experience. Remnant moisture gives a sheen to the almost-smile I think I can see.

  His eyes flick from me to the group of people beyond. Is he telling me something? I wish he’d say something. My brain isn’t functioning. Frowning, I pull away, dropping my hand from his heated shoulder to the cool of the creek. Maybe the water will cool my blood.

  “Sorry about that. I temporarily forgot. No fraternisation.” His tone holds little apology.

  I’m dumbfounded. He lures me into a kiss then tells me that? “So why come down here? Why talk to me at all?”

  “We can talk.” His hands lay open beside him but his eyes won’t meet mine. Confusion is a perpetual state for me while I’m near him. Which are telling me the truth—his hands or his eyes? I can’t snag his gaze at all.

  I raise an eyebrow. A tiny flicker of anger grows in me. “Why did you kiss me?”

  He grins that devilishly sexy smile. There’s even a hint of colour to his cheeks. I hope he’s ashamed by my question.

  “I couldn’t resist. I wanted to know if you could grab hold of life.” The cheeky grin dances across his mouth. There’s no way I can stay cranky when he grins like that.

  I laugh aloud. I like cheeky. A few people turn and look at us. Jason leans back from me. He seems relieved when we don’t hold their attention for long. Then he leans closer.

  I grin at him with the half lopsided grin I keep for when I’m being sarcastic. “So you lured me to break the rules, just to see if I could?”

  “Yep.” He meets my gaze openly. “I couldn’t help myself.”

  I laugh again. “I could get used to the taste of that sort of rule-breaking.” I arch my eyebrow, not quite believing I’m flirting with him. But I am and I like it.

  After my initial silent stupidity, I’m enjoying his company. Even though desire sometimes curls my stomach in a knot, his easy-going banter draws me into conversation. I like being twisted and unravelled. It’s exciting.

  His eyes sparkle as his teeth break past his lips. “I could be addicted.”

  He squeezes my shoulder as he gets up, casting a wink before he turns away. My stomach chases my heart in a somersault. He winked at me. A wicked wink. And he flirted back. I shake my head. As if he’d be addicted, to me. But what if he is?

  I can hardly contain myself. But who can I tell? I don’t know anyone here, not well enough. I’ll write it in my journal and tell Mardi when I get home. Mardi, the girl who pulls guys like she’s a magnet. I always thought if I stood close enough some might stick, but so far they haven’t. Yet without Mardi, he noticed me. The Panther Man. Jason. He noticed me.

  He kissed me. I kissed him.

  Me!

  I bask in that thought for two seconds before Belinda splashes water to grab my attention. “Mac, come and join us.” She pats a space beside her. I can’t ignore the invitation

  “What were you two talking about?” She seems more concerned than curious, if the sharp edge hanging on her words is anything to go by.

  “Just the trip, where we were going, stuff like that.”

  “Be careful. He looks a bit rough or something. You know what they’re like, army guys.”

  I smile vaguely. Yeah, rough or something. There’s no way I’m going to tell her that rough isn’t the description I’d give him.

  She definitely isn’t the girl for me to pour my heart out to. I make a mental note that we have vastly different taste in men. She’s definitely after Ed. Her eyes rarely leave his face. She hangs on every word he speaks, giggling at anything that vaguely resembles a joke. I hope it’s not going to get tedious. I don’t mind pairing up in a group, so long as the giggling stage is short.

  Panicked, I replay my conversation with Jason in my mind. Did I giggle? Am I just as silly as the girls I’ve always scorned? I can’t recall giggling, just being smart mouthed, laughing and mostly being unable to speak.

  Ed and Jason have nothing in common. Their looks are completely opposite. Ed blond, Jason dark. They’re both tall, muscled and lightly built, but Jason carries himself as if he’s a bigger man. Jason’s wickedly funny and a bit devious. Ed’s straight and kind of dull. Yep, Belinda and I like very different types of men. Although Belinda is likely to get Ed whereas nothing will happen with Jason. He’s against the rules and I don’t break them.

  CHAPTER 2

  We have a day to pack and organise ourselves for our three day orientation trip. The expedition consists of this short walk before Christmas, then a few days to recover before a longer walk of about three weeks, followed by almost two weeks in the mangroves before walking back. A heck of a lot of walking in six weeks.

  You wouldn’t think packing would take too long but there’s extra gear. Each group on the expedition is assigned a particular area of research. There are archaeology groups, insect groups, animal groups, and we’re the botany group. We have to lug two huge plant pressing frames filled with newspapers to press specimens we collect on our travels. They don’t fit into a pack. Sam and Damien strap them to their backpacks while the rest of us take food, cooking utensils and the sleeping gear. Each person carries different meals and we divide equipment as much as we can. If any pack is lost, enough remains for everyone to survive.

  We pack, go on trial runs with our loads and shuffle gear around until we’re all happy. Just before the last meal together, Ed calls our group together.

  “I have a request from the army guys.” His comment and seemingly significant pause makes my heart jump. “They’d like to send one of their men on the trip with us.”

  Oh hell. My knee
s almost give way beneath me. Can it be him? Would he wangle his way onto this trip, with us?

  “I think most of you know Tim. Does anyone have a problem with him coming with us?”

  Tim?

  The breath eases from me and my heart resumes normal rhythm.

  Tim’s the youngest of the army guys. Nice, but not Jason. He’s been hanging around with the guys in our group. He’s easy going and friendly. If I hadn’t met Jason, Tim might interest me. But after meeting Jason, no one measures up.

  We have no problem with Tim coming and Ed makes it clear he’s going to be a part of the trip but not a part of the group. “He’ll have his own food and tent and be self-sufficient. He’ll be walking with us. There’s no fraternisation. We have to take care not to breach that.” Ed pays particular attention to us girls. “They are not part of this expedition.” His warning tone is serious, probably a little too serious for the moment.

  There seems to be a real anti-army vibe amongst most people. I wonder if Ed’s directive is meant solely for me. I’m sure no one noticed me do more than talk. I glance around but no one’s paying extra attention to me. Phew!

  Seeing Jason before we leave happens constantly. Being able to talk to him is a different story. I can’t go up and speak with him. I just can’t. And he hasn’t searched me out. When I see him, I smile or nod my head and kick myself that I’m not braver.

  We’re leaving for our trip, loaded up and weighed down. Going into the rainforest with a bunch of strangers is not for the faint hearted, or anyone with paranoia, or even too much imagination. I’ve fought a lot of fears to be here. Not only my own but all the fears that my parents, younger brother, sisters and friends have for me. I keep Jason’s advice at the forefront of my mind—well not just his advice.

  On the morning we leave, he waves us off. I’m sure he is only saying goodbye to Tim until he brushes against my shoulder and whispers, “Chin up.” My chin flicks right up and a smile fills my face. His ‘good luck’ call as we leave is followed by a wink for me. My stomach leaps and spins. I don’t think it’s only Tim he came to see. There’s no way I’m going to fail. That wink will keep me company through any hardship. I wish I had the chance to tell him but maybe when we get back.