Unshakeable

by Abby Reynolds

  “Baby?”

  I stared at the floor, unable to meet his gaze.

  Alarm rang in his voice. “What’s wrong?” He came to me then placed both hands on either side of my face.

  The touch burned, and not in a good way. I stepped back. “Don’t touch me.”

  His eyes flashed in surprise. He lowered his hands to his sides, but the intensity shined in his eyes. “What’s going on?”

  “You lied to me.”

  He studied my face, not speaking. “No.”

  “Yes,” I said firmly. The tears bubbled and fell. “You slept with Adrianna then you told her everything about me!” I didn’t realize I was so angry until the words flew out of my mouth.

  “What?” His voice was loud. “Where the hell are you getting this from?”

  “She told me! She knew what happened to me, every detail. She knew about your sister. You told her. You fucking told her everything and then you fucked her!” I hugged my waist so I wouldn’t fall to the ground.

  Anger flashed in Liam’s eyes. “No.” He stepped closer to me, getting in my face. “Keira, look at the source. Of course she’s going to throw lies at you. She’s trying to get to me, and the best way to do that is to get rid of you.”

  “Then how did she know?” I snapped.

  “I have no fucking idea but I swear to god I didn’t tell her!”

  He was so close to me. I pushed him back. “You lied to me…” I couldn’t process what was happening. It was too heartbreaking. Everything was perfect between us. Now that joy was gone.

  “I didn’t!” The anger coursed through his limbs. The patience he usually had was gone. “You know me better than anyone, Keira. I obviously don’t like Adrianna. Why would I tell her all that? It makes no fucking sense. Pull your head out of your ass!”

  He never cursed at me before. That just made me more scared.

  “If I slept with her, I wouldn’t hide it. We were broken up at the time, so I wouldn’t be doing anything wrong. So, why would I lie about it? If I fucked someone, I would tell you.”

  I still felt sick to my stomach. I turned away from him.

  “Are you joking?” he snapped. “After everything we’d been through, you think I would stab you in the back like that? Think clearly, Keira. She’s trying to rip us apart. Don’t let her.”

  “How did she know…?”

  “I don’t know! But it wasn’t me.”

  “I…I don’t know.”

  Liam slammed his fist in the wall then paced the room. “I can’t do this anymore.”

  “What…?”

  “I’ve been so patient with you. But I’ve earned your trust—your undying trust. I know you’ve been through a lot. I get it. But that’s not an excuse anymore. You are much stronger than you ever were. I’m not letting you act this way anymore. I didn’t lie to you and I never will. You either trust me or you don’t. And it’s pretty fucking clear you don’t.”

  I was speechless. I didn’t know what to say.

  “If you want to end this relationship based on something so stupid, fine. I’m not going to chase you. I’m not going to beg for another chance. Because I did nothing wrong. You claim I’m your best friend, the other half of you, but when the time comes to test that faith, you fail. I’m not doing this anymore. You’re either in the relationship completely or you aren’t. And I can tell which one you are.”

  I wiped my tears away with the back of my hand.

  He stared me down, threatening me with the intensity of his gaze. “After everything we’ve been through, this is how it falls apart.” He shook his head. “And that’s the saddest thing I’ve ever heard.

  “I can’t keep picking you up, Keira. This relationship has two people. I’m equally broken and damaged. When it gets rough, I need you to pick up the slack. But I clearly can’t depend on you.”

  He walked to the door and grabbed his wallet and his keys. “I’ll be gone for two days. That’s enough time for you to pack your shit and leave.” He walked out and slammed the door behind him.

  I burst into tears and fell to the floor, feeling the darkness descend.

  Scotty’s eyes widened when he saw me on the doorstep. My car was packed with all my things. My bag was in my hand. The tears fell down my face. I was so used to them being there that I didn’t even notice the wetness.

  Scotty couldn’t find the right words for a moment. “What happened?”

  “Liam and I…it’s over.”

  He ran his fingers through his hair. “What? Why?”

  I didn’t want to talk about it. I was too depressed.

  “No,” he said firmly. “You don’t belong here, Keira. I don’t care what happened between you. Work it out with him.”

  “I don’t want to.” I wiped my tears away. “And neither does he.”

  Scotty stared at the ground for a moment. “I thought you were happy.”

  “I thought we were too.” I waited for him to open the door wider and allow me inside. “Can I come in?”

  He sighed then opened the door wider. “Yeah…”

  We carried my belongings back into the house. After everything was in my bedroom, I sat on the bed, my hands in my lap.

  Scotty sat beside me but didn’t speak.

  The depression and loneliness descended. I hit a brick wall a hundred miles an hour. The emotion hit me hard. And I sobbed hysterically. Scotty wrapped his arms around me and rocked me back and forth.

  I couldn’t believe this was happening.

  I didn’t go to school for the following week. I said I had a medical emergency. Based on my history, they didn’t question it. And I was relieved I didn’t have to bring documentation to prove anything.

  Scotty went to class, but he came home immediately afterwards. He sat on the floor and leaned against my dresser. He didn’t speak but he let me know he was there. I curled into a ball and stared at the wall. Every few minutes, the need to cry overcame me and I burst into tears. Scotty remained at his spot against the dresser and said nothing. I didn’t tell him what happened between Liam and I. If I did, I knew Scotty would come after him. Scotty was extremely protective over me. It didn’t matter if Liam was a powerful opponent. He would still try to kill him. It was better if I kept it to myself.

  By the following week, I needed to head back to school. If I fell too far behind, I would never graduate. And I hated school as it was. Walking across campus didn’t feel the same anymore. The depression settled on my shoulders and followed me everywhere I went. People said hello to me but I didn’t acknowledge them. I didn’t even hear them.

  When I went to tutoring, I had a hard time focusing. I didn’t bother hiding it. The despair was heavy in my eyes. They constantly shined with impending tears. The wrinkles in my mouth showed a never-ending frown. I excused myself to the restroom every hour to release the tears built up behind my eyes.

  When I looked in the mirror, I only saw the part of me that was missing. Liam. I wanted to believe him but how could I? All the evidence pointed to him. Even if he didn’t sleep with her, he still told her my darkest secret. I opened up to him. I trusted him…

  Why did this have to happen? I just wanted to be happy. Now that I experienced the greatest joy of my life, everything else life had to offer seemed irrelevant. I didn’t want to live anymore. Not having Liam was unbearable.

  He never called me. He never checked on me. He disappeared.

  I never ran into him on accident. Scotty never brought him up. He was the obvious subject that we never discussed. I started drinking again. When I walked into the liquor store and bought enough alcohol for a party, the cashier eyed me suspiciously but didn’t question me.

  But alcohol was my only comfort in the world.

  A month passed. He never called. Secretly, I wanted him to chase me, to beg me to take him back. And I wanted to show up on his doorstep and just fall into his arms. I just wanted him.

  When I imagined him moving on with other women it made me sick. I wanted to curl int
o a ball and beg for the end to come quick and swift. The thought of his lips touching anyone else’s but mine was enough to cripple me completely.

  I wanted him all to myself.

  Scotty continued to ask me what happened but I still couldn’t say the words. I couldn’t admit he was with Adrianna. I couldn’t admit he shared my secret with her. I just couldn’t. It would make it undeniable and true.

  I finally went to the store for the first time. I only went out for alcohol, and I was desperate for food. Scotty tried to get me to eat but I was never hungry. But I lost so much weight and muscle that I was worried for my health. If I didn’t eat, I would disappear.

  I pushed the cart through the aisle, missing the way Liam and I would shop together. He always grabbed the items that were out of my reach. And he would smile every time he did it, amused by my small stature.

  God, I hated thinking about it.

  I threw items into my cart without really paying attention. Chips, soda, pretzels, snacks that wouldn’t upset my stomach. I bought five Pepto-Bismols and 7-Up. The music over the speakers made me feel even worse. It was a mushy love song.

  Ugh. I had to get out of here.

  When I turned the corner to the cereal aisle, I stilled when I saw Liam. He studied the boxes, trying to determine which one he wanted. Unable to move, I stared at him. He looked exactly the same. Nothing had changed. He still carried his shoulders with the same pride. The muscles of his arms were still tight and cut. He held himself straight, his posture perfectly upright.

  My eyes bubbled with tears. God, I missed him.

  I needed to get out of there before he saw me.

  Liam turned in my direction and flinched when he saw me. His face didn’t react. He just stared.

  A few tears fell down my face. I didn’t want him to look at me. I abandoned my cart then took off, moving down a different aisle. I expected him to come after me but he didn’t. I made it out of the store, tears pouring down my face, and reached my car. When I was inside, I burst into tears and sobbed. Unable to drive, I sat there for hours, my heart throbbing.

  Chapter Sixteen

  Liam

  I was hurt.

  I was angry.

  I was pissed.

  Within the first few weeks of the break up, I destroyed my punching bag. My fists slammed into it so hard, it flew off the hinges and landed on the floor. Perforation lined the leather, making it unusable.

  I couldn’t control the rage.

  I ordered another one and hung it from the ceiling. But I knew it wouldn’t last long. I would destroy it within a few days. I was angry when my sister passed away. I was angry when Keira told me she was abused. But now I was livid. How could Keira do this to me? How could she leave me?

  I waited for her to come back to me. I needed her to apologize and say she was wrong. Of course I wouldn’t share her privacy with anyone. I guarded her secrets with my life. She was mine. I didn’t share any part of her with anyone.

  And how could she possibly think I slept with Adrianna? That was the stupidest thing I’d ever heard. If I wanted to get laid, I would go to any other girl but her. That’s how much I hated her.

  But how could Keira believe any of it? It was absurd.

  I had no idea how Adrianna knew about Keira. She could have researched her through Google. It wouldn’t be that difficult to dig up dirt on someone. She could have looked me up too. That was more likely than me fucking her.

  God, I was pissed at Keira. After everything we’d been through, everything we shared, how could she believe that horseshit?

  How could she not trust me?

  How?

  A month passed and she never came around. I waited and prayed she would come back to me. I slept alone every night, missing her body on top of my chest. The lightness was painful. I missed feeling her heart beat against mine. I missed making love to her, seeing the love in her eyes when I was inside her.

  The house still held her scent. I couldn’t get away from her. Everywhere I went, I found a part of her. The coffee mug she always used was still in the dishwasher. I didn’t touch it and washed it repeatedly every time I loaded dirty dishes.

  Her garden still bloomed outside. Unable to watch it die, I watered the plants, feeling the pain in my heart every time. I heard her voice in my head, the songs she would sing to her plants. Inconceivably, I sang her song and gave the plants what they needed. My voice was deep and didn’t carry the same harmony. But it was the best I could do. The last thing I wanted was for the plants to become a graveyard of her touch. The memory of her hurt but I didn’t want her to disappear.

  God, I hated this.

  I went to class but I wasn’t sure why. I guess I hoped I’d run into her. But if I did, I didn’t know what I would say. There was nothing to discuss. We were over. We were done.

  But I couldn’t let her go.

  I was still immune to the charms of other women. It didn’t matter how beautiful they were. They weren’t Keira. She was all I wanted. I couldn’t imagine being with anyone else, even if it was just meaningless sex. The idea made me sick. The tender love we had would always haunt me. That’s what I wanted, not a midnight fuck fest. I was done with that.

  But I certainly couldn’t love anyone else. And if I did, it wouldn’t happen for a very, very long time. Keira was in my heart and she would remain there until the day I died. It was unfortunate we couldn’t be together. I wished Keira would get her shit together. I was tired of her hurting me. It happened over and over. I knew she suffered through a lot, but so had I.

  So had I.

  I wanted to fall, knowing she would catch me. I was always the stronger of the two of us, but I wanted her to be my equal. I wanted to know she trusted me more than anything, that it was she and I against the world. I did everything to earn her trust. Everything.

  But she still left.

  And now I was angry and bitter about it. A month had come and gone. If she were coming back, it would have happened already.

  She was really gone.

  Kill me now.

  Another month passed, and I still wasn’t any better. Somehow, I was worse.

  I couldn’t move on from our relationship. I hadn’t washed the sheets because her faded scent still remained. Her toothbrush was still in her drawer. The ring I had for her sat in my nightstand.

  She was everywhere.

  The fact she hadn’t come back to me only made me feel worse. She actually believed I fucked Adrianna then gave her secrets away.

  That pissed me off. Did she not know me at all? It was like the eight months of our relationship ever happened.

  I was becoming more bitter with every passing day.

  When I saw her at the store, she broke down in tears then ran away from me. It was clear she still thought I betrayed her. I hoped time apart would knock some sense into her. Nope.

  I could chase her down and convince her to be mine, but I didn’t want to. She was wrong. I couldn’t be with someone if they couldn’t trust me. While I loved Keira with my whole heart, I couldn’t be in a relationship that was so unstable. I couldn’t keep opening myself up for an attack. It wasn’t good for my heart.

  I finally went out for the first time in two months. Everything in my life had been put on hold. But if I stayed in that empty house with Keira’s ghost for another night, I would explode.

  I went to the bar in the Gaslight and looked at the talent. Girls wore short dresses and heels. They immediately eyed me, liking what they saw.

  Nothing. I felt nothing.

  All I wanted was Keira.

  I found the guys and took my seat. I hadn’t been around for the past few months. They called and kept in touch but I was always short and withdrawn. They knew I was going through a breakup so they gave me my space.

  When they saw me sit down, they flinched, unsure what to do. No one spoke.

  “Hey,” I finally said.

  “Hey, man.” Bran clapped me on the shoulder. “You want a beer?”
/>   “Sure.”

  “I’ll get it.”

  Tony gave me a sad look. “Watch the Clippers game?”

  “Yeah. It was good,” I said.

  Bran returned with the beer then clapped me on the shoulder again.

  My friends were all I had right now. I appreciated their presence, and the fact they didn’t ask me about Keira or what happened. They tried to get my mind off everything.

  Scotty eyed me but kept his silence.

  I didn’t ask about Keira. He didn’t bring her up.

  We talked about school and sports. After a few minutes, it felt normal again. We joked and laughed, having a good time. My heart still throbbed painfully, but my mind was distracted for a short period of time.

  A few girls came to my side and engaged me in conversation. I was single and could hook up with anyone I wanted without any guilt, but I couldn’t. It felt wrong. I turned them away, rudely.

  When it was past midnight, we finally decided to head home. The guys paid for my tab and we walked down the sidewalk to the parking lot. Scotty walked beside me, his hands in his pockets.

  “Night.” I headed to my truck.

  “Hold up,” Scotty said. He came to my side. “How are you doing?”

  “How do you think?” I snapped.

  “Well, she’s not much better…”

  I didn’t want to talk about her. I was sick of thinking about her.

  “What happened?” he asked. “She won’t tell me anything.”

  “She didn’t tell you?” Keira told her cousin everything. It shocked me that she kept our break up a secret.

  “No. She won’t talk about it.”

  “She thinks I slept with Adrianna when we broke up—the first time.”

  “Did you?”

  I glared at him, offended he even asked.

  “Sorry,” he said quickly.

  “Adrianna knows what happened to Keira. And she knows about my sister’s death, and claims I told her when we slept together. Keira believed her and thinks I betrayed our entire relationship.” I shook my head. “Fucking ridiculous.”