Until The End

by Brown, Derek

  Until the End…

  A Novel By

  Derek Brown

  December 28, 2013

  So to start, today is the first day of a new chapter in my new life; I can no longer be the person I was before, the winds of time bring change. The beginning of something always means the end of something else. The world has changed so much since when I first entered it and I can feel that it is still changing. I just really needed to get some crap off my chest so I began writing this journal. I find lately that I feel so overwhelmed that I feel like the pressure is too much and I can’t breathe. I was recently attacked at work and before you ask I didn’t know the inmate that attacked me. I was in booking working as a Licensed Vocational Nurse and we were doing vital signs on every inmate that came into the jail in order to try and prevent the further outbreak of the flu virus H1N1. So as I was going through the process of taking his vitals, I had to bend down to place the blood pressure cuff around the bicep of a Hispanic male about 6 feet tall and about 260 pounds. His face was sweating profusely, red, and puffy. He just had a look in eyes like he was there physical but mentally he was somewhere else, the lights were on but no one was home sort of look. His pulse was up the 160’s so I gathered he was agitated and upset, but he was being placed in jail, pretty much everyone’s pulse was high, and everyone was agitated. He looked me in the eyes as I was leaning over him, his brown eyes meeting mine; I couldn’t get a good read on him, I tried talking to him but he just stared at me. So as I was going to put the blood pressure cuff on he pulled back as I began to wrap the cuff around his right bicep. Then with no warning he head butted me in the nose and then swung his right fist into my stomach, knocking the air out of me. I hesitated only a moment as I regained my breath. I then reacted the only way I knew how and that was in like fashion, I brought my elbow down on his nose, I could feel the nose breaking as my elbow made contact. Then as he reached up to grab his nose I brought my right fist into his throat. But he pulled back and I over swung and missed him grazing the wall behind him. Quickly he brought his knee and hit me in the left thigh and I dropped to the ground and rolled over making sure not to expose my back to him. Then he got on top of me his blood dripping down on me from his nose injury. I pushed my hips up and brought my arm underneath him and pulled my arm up with all my strength and flipped him onto his back. I rolled over getting on all fours and I lunged at him and pinned him to the ground. Then he was punching me with his right fist and his left fist on both sides of my face. I was going blow for blow with him and we were both taking hits, time seemed to slow with each hit. Next thing I knew the police and correctional officers were pulling me off of him. It was chaos everyone was yelling and shouting, one the officers were holding me back because I kept trying to claw my way towards him. I wasn’t done with him yet. Finally one of the nurses I worked with came out to treat my injuries. That very same night I went to the hospital and was seen I had one black eye, a very swollen right side of my face and a busted lip. The next few days were a blur of reports and lawyers and my supervisors checking on me. I was asked to sign a settlement agreement and while I wasn’t sure what to do my lovely wife was at my side the whole time. She and I both agreed that I should take the settlement. The agreement basically promised that I would not sue the County and absolving them of all legal responsibilities towards me getting injured while on the job. In exchange I got to keep my job and continue working at the jail, which is a job I sorely needed to survive. However the downside is I have to see a therapist to help me deal with the issues that come along with getting attacked. I am fine although I mean after all this wasn’t my first time getting attacked by an inmate… Hmm that doesn’t sound quite right. Ok well the first time I was a nurse working at the prison and while working a shift I was moved to a building I was unfamiliar with and I was attacked by an inmate because the 49ers had lost that Sunday. Horrible… if people went around attacking other people just because the 49ers suck then the hospitals would be at full capacity all the time. So anyways I try to take these things in strides and survive because that is what I have learned in my life. I have been hardened to survive no matter the circumstances; I survive no matter the cost. Everything thing that I have been through has taught me that while tough things happen to everyone only the strong find ways to survive.

  December 31, 2013

  Happy New Year’s!!!! Quick note today, life is good overall. No complaints here. I am ready for the New Year. On a side note I read a very interesting article in the paper today. Well perhaps a quick back story is in order first, I suppose. So after being a lifelong Dallas Cowboy fan, I have discovered love for a new team the Seattle Seahawks. It was an extremely difficult decision to come to but I didn’t even like watching the Cowboys play anymore. Jerry Jones with his “40 year old mind” in a 70 year old body was running the team into the ground. So being curious I started reading some articles on the Seahawks. I came upon an article it was in the Seattle times and it was about the city officials of Seattle and they had begun digging a new tunnel to replace the Alaskan Duct Highway. (Which to be fair I have no idea what road that is). The engineers built a 5 story high juggernaut of a digging machine intended to dig through anything and everything at an extremely fast rate. It was not only the largest but the fastest digging machine ever built. However after it had begun digging several days into digging it had struck something and it was now stuck. No one knew what to make of it because nothing was supposed to be able to stand in the machine’s way. So the engineers working the project were stumped they didn’t know what was causing the blockage. It should have been impossible and yet I had happened. Now they couldn’t get near the machine because it was already five miles deep into the digging and the area surrounding it was flooded with water and they couldn’t even get it to back it up to the surface. It was a very interesting story some conspiracy theorist were saying it was ancient alien artifact. I don’t think I quite agree with that but it had definitely peaked my interest to say the very least. It was basically an unstoppable force meeting an unmovable force. There was also another article in the paper about rebels occupying a town square in Kiev, Ukraine while this is nothing new in the region what was interesting was that President Powa of the United States was going there to meet with the Russian President Wupan. They were to discuss peaceful negotiations with the new democratic Ukraine government’s President. There was unrest among the AmErikan people many believing that Powa should be focused on issues at home rather than abroad. With our country headed towards another recession it was believed that the President should be placing more importance domestic policies. As usual though the President was doing what he wanted and how he wanted to do it. After last week’s joke of negotiations, which lead to the release of several terrorists in exchange for a US solider who was a defector. The negotiations were completely unacceptable, unlawful, and outside the parameters of his powers. I am beginning to wonder at the state of our nation though when we the people do nothing in response. It even begs the question, is his world we give our children to inherit? I just wonder how we could have fallen so far. The current state of international affairs feels like a ticking time bomb which could explode any moment.

  January 02, 2014

  So today that story involving the drilling machine got even more interesting as the US Army Corps of Engineers announced they were going to send in a two man diving team to discover what was blocking the machines progress. Now that would have been cool to be a part of that team what an adventure that would be, a once in a life time opportunity. I remember growing up playing with my brothers and we would have the most fantastic of adventures and voyages traveling to far off lands. There would be my brother Jason the ninja with his throwing stars, my brother Anthony the giant slayer, and me the kni
ght in shining armor. I remember we would have battles in the yard. Tackling and hitting each other all in the name of saving the princesses my sisters Adri and Morgi. Lol, those were the days, but they are long since gone, nowadays I barely hear from my brother the Ninja he is in the US Navy and always busy but he seems to being doing well. And there is the Giant Slayer Anthony who is battling his own demons right now and he just can’t seem to get out of his own way. He is in the US Army reserve activated and stationed in Pennsylvania. My sister Morgi who lives in a small town waiting for her prince to come and rescue her and my sister Adri who just got married recently and is doing well but so busy with my awesome nephew that we barely get to see each other. I am so proud of all of them though and I couldn’t ask for better brothers and sisters, they make my life better each and every day. However I digress, so back to the engineer corps who had picked two scuba diving engineers to go and discover what the mystery item might be. They were going to launch the operation tomorrow morning. I can’t wait to hear what the object is the whole thing sounds like so much fun. I remember reading a long time ago about a cave diver in France who went cave diving and discovered the first species that could function without direct sunlight by creating their own light. They were transparent and their bodies reflected the light and the whole eco system in the cave functioned just off of reflected light and without sunlight. The discovery led many to believe that organisms could actually exist on planets without direct sunlight which was previously thought impossible. Such an interesting thought, life on other planets, I never for once in my life ever thought we were alone in this universe. Life will find a way.

  January 03, 2014

  I, like the rest of the world was on the edge of my seat watching the events unfold in Ukraine today while President Powa and President Wupan had been there. They were ambushed by the Orange Flag Revolutionary Army who had attacked them. Killing President Wupan and injuring President Powa in the attack. Although they say President Powa will be okay the political analysts around the world said this could spell disaster on a global scale. The collective world was holding its breath to see how the Russian Government was going to respond. While watching that story I saw a small scrolling news reel that brought more horrible news. The two member team dive team that went diving to discovery the object, were now missing, they went into the tunnel yesterday and after they radioed back that they were approach the object their microphones cut out and no word has been heard from them since. The scrolling news turned into a live feed from Seattle. There was a news conference and the mayor of Seattle said that they would be waiting until the 24 hour mark and would then seek volunteers to go into the tunnels to search for the missing divers. So I went to the website that was flashed on the TV at the end of the mayor’s speech and I applied to be a volunteer. I couldn’t it I literally heard back in 20 minutes, apparently there were not a lot of willing volunteers. They responded via email and informed me that had bought me a round trip ticket for the fifth of January to fly to Seattle to be a member of a eight man team to descend into the depths to find the missing researchers. My wife is scared that I am going but she understands what this opportunity means to me. It is an once in a lifetime opportunity and she is the most supportive woman I have ever met in my life and she has my back no matter what and through it all. She is just scared and worried about me, I mean I am going into an area where two men just went missing. But I told her not to worry my best friend Anthony was selected as well and would be going with me. Her words exactly “Oh geez that actually makes me feel worse.” She thinks Anthony and me always get into trouble when we hang out. I mean I can’t blame her there was like this one time where we ended up hiking in the mountains and our two day hike turned into a week-long hike due to a wrong turn. Anthony and I have been friends for about three years now and we seriously hit it off from the first time we met. We have been the very best of friends and we always have each other backs, through thick and thin. So when I put in for this rescue mission I knew I had to have him to have my back and for me to have his back. Although He is a new father and he has been adjusting to being a father, he still wants to go with me. He doesn’t know it but I believe he is going to be a great dad however not as good as me. HaHa… Even in my journal I gotta talk shit to him.

  January 04, 2014

  So I got all of my gear together and packed up everything I would need, and I am ready to go now. I got my scuba diving equipment my black super tool my dad got for me when I joined the Army. I also made sure to bring plenty of warm clothing. My wife is a bit upset with me, lol, not really but in a sweet way. She says she is tired of being alone all the time, since I have been working two full time jobs, one at the jail as a nurse and the other as a manager at Applebee's. Money has been tight and with all the cuts that have been going on since Powacare started it has only gotten worse. So I have been working two jobs to make ends meet. And while she knows that I am only trying to get ahead for us it doesn’t make the situation any better. It is hard and I have been so exhausted all the time I think I am only making it through the days by drinking my daily Rockstar. I know, I know not good for you. She has been so frustrated with the situation that we are in currently but I keep telling her that all this crap will be worth it in the end, and the end is near. So, today my wife and I decided to spend the whole day on a date together. We got up early and went for a nice 4 mile run, then showered and went out for breakfast. Then we took a walk with the dogs and let them run around the park, we have three crazy dogs one is an Australian shepherd mix she is gray, black and white, her name is Nala. Then Molly is black and tan and is a mix of a pit bull and something else and there is Leia who is a shepherd mix but looks almost like an Akita mix she is all tan and can get rather fluffy without a haircut. Then we made grilled cheese sandwiches for lunch, it was just an awesome day all around. I just sat there watching her and just being amazed at how beautiful she is sitting there eating her sandwich. I remember that when we first starting dating we were both working at Applebee’s and she was standing at a table, table 15 I think, she was leaning down and speaking to the guest’s child. Her vibrant red hair pulled back in a bun with that one strand that always manages to wiggle out and fly in front of her face. She had her gorgeous smile that could make the worst days turn into the best of days on her face. Her body was amazing too she worked out as much no actually more than I did and it showed from her head down to her flat stomach and her tight legs from running at least 4 miles a day. The light seemed to just light up her golden tanned skin just the right way she was glowing and I knew in that moment I was going to marry her. I fall more in love with her every single day. I will miss her so much while I am away, damn it’s going to suck but I know it’s going to be worth it.

  January 05, 2014

  My lovely wife drove Anthony and myself to the airport today. Before I left I kissed her and hugged her tight and I had a feeling come over me. A feeling that my life was finally after almost 30 years on this planet called Earth was finally coming together. I barely even remember going through the security gates, being herded like animals to the slaughterhouse by the TSA agents. I boarded my plane and found my seat, that familiar feeling of uneasiness in my stomach as the plane’s wheels leave the ground and enter the air. On the flight I gazed out the window and lost myself in the memory of the last time I made a flight to Washington. It was the day after Christmas 2004, my brother Jason and I were both home with my dad for Christmas that year. The phone rang and my dad answered and went outside to talk on the phone. He came back in and said he needed both my brother and me outside, he told us that our mother who we hadn’t spoken to in about ten years was on the phone. I had a weird feeling that came over me it was hard to explain I remember, he said she wanted to talk to us. I got on the phone first; I remember her voice she sounded so weak, she asked if I knew who she was. Such a silly question of course I knew who she was. Then her words were like the hammer coming down on the anvil, pounding and searing every word into my brain
as she said them. She told me that she was dying of cancer and she only had days to live if I wanted to meet her one more time then I needed to leave immediately. She told me that she had thought for years to contact us but had always been so scared to do so, considering the circumstances that occurred with us children being taken away from her. So the very next day my brother and I got on a plane to fly up to Washington to see her. Now almost a decade later I am on the same flight path and as I gaze out the window I watched the mountain line below the plane speed past, I can’t but become lost in thought. The last time I was here I remembered Mount Saint Helen’s was actively brewing and it felt like my life at that time ready to explode. Now Mount Saint Helen sits quietly and tall like a silent guardian. Now I am here again and I begin to think about my life and I wonder if I were to die tomorrow would I have done everything I wanted to do? I mean she died at age 39 and I remember sitting with her as she was sick and she knew she was dying. She spoke about everything that she had wanted to and how much she regretted not doing or saying or taking chances on things in life. I believe these conversations made a huge impact on me and my life. I have been trying to live my life to the fullest now and take every opportunity that I can. I am so scared…What if I die before I do what I was meant to do? What if I don’t make the most of every opportunity that is placed in front me? What if I fail? I don’t know what to do; I don’t know what I am supposed to do anymore. Life used to seem so simple, now every time I turn a corner a new obstacle is laid out before me a new wall o climb. Everything is changing in my life and I need stability but I don’t know where my road map went I must have lost it along the way. I am constantly plagued with doubts… What if I mess up? What if I make the wrong the decision? What if I take a wrong turn? What if I can’t get out of the hole I seem to have found myself in? Life has become a million times more complex than I ever could have imagined it would for me. I have my wife depending on me and my daughter and I don’t know what to do, all I know is I cannot fail, I cannot stop moving forward. Every step becomes more difficult than the last step; my feet seem to get heavier with each step. But then I close my eyes and I see my wife and daughter in my mind’s eye and I find the strength to carry on. These are the thoughts that infect my waking moments on a daily basis threatening to overtake me. While sitting there thinking about it all I drifted off to sleep. While I slept I had fitful dreams where I kept seeing myself standing in a circle with people yelling and screaming at me telling me that I had already failed. That I should just lay down and quick now. They would scream and yell then they would drag me down to the ground chanting.