More Than Words Volume 4

by Linda Lael Miller

  “Don’t listen to those voices,” he said. “Listen to me. I’ve never known a woman as brave and beautiful as you are.”

  She knew he was going to kiss her. Her whole body tingled, waiting for him to close the final inch, the last degree of separation.

  She knew, and she didn’t pull back.

  When his mouth touched hers, it was the sweetest kiss she’d ever experienced. It was a kiss of giving. His lips were manly and hard, but he used them with tenderness. Even when he began to move and the heat began to build, the tenderness stayed.

  She felt her tension seeping away. She felt her whole body softening. It was like falling into a cloud.

  It would be so easy to ask him to stay tonight. To be with her. To fill her with this tenderness.

  But it also would be a terrible mistake. She had nothing to offer Scott Mulvaney. They were from different worlds, and a night of touching, of kisses and physical bliss, was all they could ever share.

  His world was perfectly ordered, full of big stone houses handed down from father to son. Of beautiful professional women who wore diamonds the size of marbles. Of perfect birthday parties for perfect little girls.

  Her world was…completely different. There was no perfection here. Only an uphill climb out of the mess she’d made in the past.

  And it was in her world that she’d have to live. It was her world that she’d have to conquer.

  Tilly would be glad to know that Beth had finally learned that lesson, at least. She couldn’t hand her life over to any man. And she wouldn’t hand over her body for a night, or a month, or a year.

  She was worth more than that. She was worth forever, and she would wait for it to come.

  She shifted on the sofa, breaking the warm connection. Her wet lips felt suddenly cold.

  He looked at her, his brows drawing down over his eyes.

  “I need you to go now,” she said.

  He shook his head. “Why are you afraid of me?”

  “I’m not.” She reached up and touched his face. “Part of me wants very much to do this. But I won’t. It would be a mistake, and I’m through making that kind of mistake.”

  “Isn’t it a mistake to keep running away?” His voice was rough-edged. “Isn’t it a mistake to wall yourself off from real feelings? From real life?”

  She started to say she was sorry but closed her lips against the words. She wasn’t sorry. She was glad.

  Out of fear, she’d made a lot of stupid decisions in her life. To escape her father, she’d moved in with a man who was just as violent, a man that she knew didn’t love her, wasn’t ever really going to marry her. She’d sold herself short, over and over.

  Being with Scott tonight would be the same thing, the same pattern. It would be an easy way to avoid the painful things, like loneliness and fear.

  But those things had to be faced. And she was ready to face them.

  “It’s the right decision for me, Scott. I hope you understand.”

  His face looked dark, hollow and grim.

  “I’m sorry, Beth,” he said. “I just don’t.”

  CHAPTER

  SEVEN

  At 11:00 a.m. that cold Saturday morning, the party store was a beehive of activity. From the jammed parking lot and the bustling crowd inside, you’d have thought every single person in New Jersey was celebrating something.

  Beth stood near the entrance, Daniel’s carrier in her hand, watching people come and go. Everyone was laughing, filled with eager anticipation.

  Some carried big balloons shaped like spaceships and peace signs and dinosaurs. A brave young couple wrangled long tiki torches and armloads of pastel-colored leis past the other shoppers, clearly planning a party to banish the winter chill.

  One smiling father carried a life-size cardboard Harry Potter under his arm, while his little boy trailed behind, zapping everyone with a small wooden stick that obviously was his magic wand.

  He pointed it right at Beth and said “Pow!”

  “Jim!” The father frowned. “Sorry about that,” he said to Beth.

  But she just laughed. “It’s okay. I could use some magic right now.”

  Each time the door swung open, she could glimpse the costume section, where teenagers were trying on tricorn hats and eye patches, and slashing the air with plastic swords.

  She wondered whether she could make it inside the store this time. Or had she once again overestimated herself?

  When she woke up this morning, she’d been filled with a strange new confidence. She’d called her manager at the insurance company and explained the crisis that had made her miss the meeting. To her surprise, the manager had been quite sympathetic.

  Then, with that worry behind her, Beth realized that she wanted very much to go to Jeannie’s party.

  Was she even welcome anymore? She couldn’t be sure. When Scott had left last night, he’d been tense, his goodbye clipped and distant. He had clearly been disappointed in her—perhaps even angry.

  She had no idea whether he’d want to see her again.

  But she wanted to see him. Even if he had decided she was too neurotic and high-maintenance to be interested in romantically, surely they could still be friends.

  She hoped so. After he’d left, she’d spent a long, uncomfortable night tossing and turning, rethinking every word, every look…every second of the kiss.

  And she had realized that, hard as it had been to turn away from those kisses last night, it would be harder still to give up his friendship.

  She’d come to depend on it, maybe more than was wise.

  She needed to show him that she was making progress. That she was really trying. She needed to show herself, too.

  She didn’t have to wear a costume, of course. But everyone else was wearing one. She’d seen Scott in his ringmaster get-up, and he looked both adorable and handsome as sin.

  So Beth had rummaged through her clothes, trying to find something that would work. First, she’d considered a clown. Heaven knew she had enough mismatched, baggy hand-me-down clothes to look like a ragamuffin.

  But the truth was, she wanted to look pretty. She enjoyed Scott’s admiration. She was a smarter woman now, but she was still a woman. And the appreciative glow in a handsome man’s eyes felt great.

  Trapeze artist, perhaps? But that was going too far. She wasn’t confident enough yet for that. And she certainly didn’t want to set off alarms in Angela’s head. So she ignored the gorgeous spangled leotard and tights hanging right by the door, their sea-green sequins winking under the bright lights.

  Someday, maybe. But not yet. She decided to stick with her plan to go dressed as a gypsy fortune-teller. She already owned a peasant blouse that would be perfect, and a colorful skirt. She’d driven here just to buy some of the extras, a scarf for her head, some cheap, dangly earrings, and maybe a jingle belt of gold coins and little gold bells.

  The accessories would make the costume more fun. But they weren’t strictly necessary.

  She didn’t have to go in.

  As she felt her heart begin to race, she backed up a step. She wasn’t trapped. She could go home. It wouldn’t hurt anything if she turned around now and drove back to the apartment…

  Suddenly, she stopped the little, nervous voice inside.

  No, it wouldn’t really hurt anything to give up now and go home.

  But she wasn’t going to do it.

  She remembered what Tilly and the therapists had always told her, and for the first time it really made sense.

  Panic couldn’t hurt her, not physically. It might feel as if she couldn’t breathe, but in reality she could. It might feel as if her lungs were going to turn to stone, but in reality they wouldn’t.

  The only thing to fear, as someone had famously said, was fear itself.

  She peered through the window one more time. Wasn’t that a belly dancer’s hip scarf hanging right there by the hula skirt? Wouldn’t it be perfect for her gypsy costume?

  “Excuse me.” A woman ha
d come up right behind Beth, and she realized that, once again, she was blocking the doorway.

  Beth took a deep breath, her heart racing.

  The woman made an impatient noise. “Miss? Are you going in?”

  “Yes,” Beth said with a smile. She wrapped her fingers around the silver door handle and gave it a push. “Yes. I think I am.”

  SHE GOT TO THE PARTY just in time. Scott was in the tower room, working with Otto Baum, who was dressed like a lion tamer, complete with pith helmet and whip.

  “Hey, Beth!” Otto stood on a ladder, fixing a streamer that had come loose from its putty. “You look great. Thank God you’re here. I could really use an assistant with two good legs.”

  Scott, who was standing by the old-fashioned, bright red popcorn cart, getting the first batch started, looked over at her. She couldn’t read his expression. She felt her chest tightening. Surely he wasn’t so angry that he would refuse to speak to her?

  Otto, who apparently wasn’t aware of any undercurrents, wiggled his eyebrows salaciously. “And you definitely do have two good legs.”

  He laughed at his own nonsense, then cursed as the streamer came loose again. “Hell. Can you hand me some more putty, Beth? If I ask him to, it’ll be a week before he limps over here.”

  Beth glanced around and saw the putty lying on the floor, just a couple of feet from the ladder. She retrieved it and handed it up to Otto.

  She glanced over at Scott. “I thought maybe I could be helpful,” she said carefully. “You did say you could use another pair of hands….”

  “Of course,” he said, but his voice sounded stiff. “That’s great. Thanks.”

  Polite, cool and definitely distant. But what exactly did that attitude mean? Was he trying to keep Otto from realizing anything had happened between them? Or was that cool courtesy hiding real annoyance?

  She turned to Otto. “You two look pretty awesome,” she said, making sure to include both men, although Scott was clearly the star. Otto had a middle-aged softness that was cute in a teddy bear way, but Scott was gorgeous. The top hat would have looked foolish on a lesser man, but his height and trimly muscled physique pulled it off…even with his leg in a cast.

  She wondered how she’d had the strength to resist him last night.

  “Maybe you can read my palm later,” Otto said with a smile. “Although I can already tell I’m going to meet a mysterious, dark and beautiful woman.”

  “Yeah. It’ll be your wife.” Scott sounded slightly irritable. “Quit flirting and get that streamer up. We’re running out of time.”

  Otto chuckled. “Hey,” he said. “I didn’t notice Daniel’s costume. Cute!”

  Smiling, Beth held up the baby carrier. She’d tied a multicolored bandanna around Daniel’s head, which had the fringe benefit of covering up his bandage. Then she’d dressed him in a pair of black pants, a black T-shirt, and his best black socks.

  “He’s my gypsy bodyguard,” she said.

  Both men laughed, which delighted Daniel. He wriggled madly in his carrier, arching his back as if he wanted to get out and strut his costume.

  But suddenly, when his face turned toward the ceiling, he noticed the balloons high above him, and forgot everything else. He stared at the undulating colors, openmouthed, clearly fascinated.

  Beth set his carrier on the floor and moved to the far wall, where a unicorn’s horn was peeling away. She pressed it into place again. “Is anyone else here yet?”

  “Angela just called,” Scott answered, speaking loudly over the popping corn. It smelled delicious. Beth had forgotten to eat breakfast, being too focused on conquering the party store. “She and Jeannie are on their way. They should be here any second, actually.”

  Beth’s stomach twisted. She wasn’t afraid of Angela anymore. But meeting Scott’s daughter…

  For some reason, it felt like taking a very hard test, one she hadn’t studied for, and wasn’t at all sure she could pass.

  After a couple of minutes, during which Beth and Otto did most of the talking, Scott hobbled out front to check on the hired magician, who had just arrived with a box of props that needed to be set up. The clown who made balloon-animals drove up just behind him, and then a couple of children dressed as lions and tigers.

  The party was clearly under way.

  Beth remained in the tower room with Otto, who still needed help reinforcing the streamers, but she watched through the front window, waiting for any sign of Angela and Jeannie.

  In a lull, she remembered the calliope music. She rushed over to the window seat, pulled out the boom box and inserted the CD. The happy, lilting whistles filled the room.

  Daniel began to make chirping noises, as if he wanted to sing. Beth unhooked him from his seat, put him against her shoulder, and swirled him happily around the room.

  “The music is a nice touch,” Otto said from his perch high on the ladder. She smiled up at him and noticed that he had a strange expression on his broad face. “But you do know—”

  He broke off, his gaze drawn to the front yard. “There she is now. The birthday girl arrives!”

  Beth hurried to the window, Daniel still in her arms. She stood to one side, where she could see but, with any kind of luck, wouldn’t be spotted.

  Her heart was tripping all over itself. This was it—this was the heart of Scott Mulvaney’s life. This was what made him tick, what made him get up in the morning.

  Beth knew, without ever being told, that Jeannie meant more to him than any woman ever could. She knew that if Jeannie decided she didn’t like Beth, there could never be a comfortable friendship between Beth and Scott.

  She knew, because that was how she felt about Daniel.

  When she got her first glimpse of the little girl, she heard herself inhale sharply. Jeannie looked so much like her mother it was shocking. The child was slender, just like Angela, with long, dark hair that flowed down her back, and a strong, perfect-oval face.

  She was also beautiful like her mother, and extremely graceful in her crisp pink tutu and sequined leotard.

  But the broad, open smile on her face was pure Scott. She tumbled out of her mother’s car, and began to run toward the house. Beth saw Scott come into view, moving as fast as his crutch and cast would allow. His face was beaming. His free arm, the one in the cast, was outstretched toward his daughter.

  Jeannie barreled up the front walk, leaving Angela to follow slowly in her wake.

  Finally, the little girl reached Scott, and they collided enthusiastically. They both laughed for a second, and then she held out her arms. The hug that followed was so heartfelt, so tender, that Beth felt herself choking up.

  This was a kind of fatherhood she’d never seen before.

  Beth’s gaze flickered to Angela, who was watching with a tender smile. Even a divorced ex-wife couldn’t help being glad that her daughter was loved so completely.

  Finally, father and daughter pulled apart. Scott bent over his Jeannie, stroking her hair. The little girl gazed adoringly up at him.

  And then they both began to move their hands, gesturing gracefully, but very fast. Sometimes separately, sometimes together.

  “What…?” Beth exhaled the word under her breath.

  They were clearly speaking in sign language.

  “I had a feeling you didn’t know.”

  Beth hadn’t realized that Otto had climbed down off the ladder and was standing at her shoulder, watching her watch the reunion of father and daughter.

  “You didn’t know that Jeannie was hearing impaired?”

  “No.” Beth shook her head, trying to take it in. “No. I had no idea. The way he talks about her…I would never have guessed that she wasn’t completely perfect.”

  Otto smiled. “I guess that’s because, in Scott’s eyes, she is perfect. That’s one of Scott’s strong points, don’t you think? He takes people as they are.”

  Beth wondered if Otto was sending her a reassuring message about her own value in Scott’s eyes, in spite of he
r troubled past.

  But he probably didn’t even know her background. She got the impression Scott had never mentioned her struggles to anyone, just as he’d never mentioned Jeannie’s struggles to her. Otto was right. Scott always focused on people’s strengths, not their weaknesses.

  Scott was one of the lucky people who knew how to be content with reality. He knew how to say yes. Yes to love, yes to happiness. Yes to life itself, with all its challenges and imperfections.

  “Jeannie seems happy,” she said.

  “She is. They’ve never treated her as disabled. She’s great at sign language, and lipreading, too. You couldn’t find a more self-confident, normal little girl.”

  Several other children had joined them now, and some of them clearly knew how to sign. Either they were deaf, as well, or they had learned sign because they wanted to communicate with Jeannie.

  Beth didn’t understand what they were saying, but the enthusiasm and the sheer innocent energy of the conversation were universally understood.

  “You should go meet her,” Otto said. “You’ll like her. And she’ll like you, too.”

  She wanted to, but there was such a crowd of strangers around the little girl. So much noise. No easy escape, once she’d joined the group.

  Beth could feel her heart speeding up already. She could feel the old urge to say no, to give in to fear, to run and hide.

  Did she have the courage to quiet that little negative voice?

  She had taken some big steps already today. She’d conquered her fear of the party store. She’d said yes to the party itself, in spite of the people and the lights and the chaos.

  Maybe, over the past couple of weeks, some of Scott’s positive energy had rubbed off on her.

  Maybe she had one more leap of faith in her today.

  She didn’t put Daniel back in his carrier. She kept him against her shoulder, taking courage from his warm, bouncing energy. Her gypsy belt jingling, she made her way through clusters of giggling children and bobbing clouds of big balloons.

  Finally, her breath coming shallowly and fast, she reached the front door, just as Scott and Jeannie were coming in.