by Fiona Lowe
What about your own dating spree? A jagged pain made her want to curl up. For all this time she’d only been able to see her own hurt. How had she not realised she’d hurt him?
Because you didn’t want to think about it.
She’d been so angry with him and then so bereft that her life had become empty of intimacy and her dream of a family was still only a dream that she’d never really thought about him being devastated by their parting. Dear God, what a selfish princess she’d been. The uncomfortable truth pounded her, demanding she at least acknowledge his feelings.
She raised her eyes, taking in his haggard face. ‘You’re right. All this time I’ve been thinking I was the one who lost the most.’
He flinched. ‘So the fact that I declared my then love for you and asked you to stay and give me some time didn’t count because really you didn’t believe me?’
She bit her lip as his pain circled her like razor wire. She spoke softly, finding it hard to get the words out. ‘I knew you loved me.’
‘But not that I’d change my mind?’
I need a yes or no answer, Gabe. The suppressed memory of the minutiae of that night two years ago surfaced. She’d backed the most stubborn man she’d ever met into a corner and he’d come out swinging. ‘I don’t want children now. El, it’s just not me right now but who knows down the track? All I can give you now is a maybe.’
She hadn’t been able to invest in ‘down the track’ or ‘maybe’. A wave of sorrow washed over her and she realised she’d thrown the love he’d once had for her back in his face. ‘You’re right. I believed you wouldn’t change your mind and that if I waited I’d lose precious time to meet someone who wanted a family as much as I did. ‘ A sound that mangled a laugh and a cry came from her throat. ‘Pretty ironic really, given the circumstances.’
‘Yeah, I suppose it is.’ He sounded tired and immensely sad, as if he had no energy left to argue with her. ‘Look, about that kiss … ’ My then love. A wave of embarrassing heat flushed through her and she held up her hand like a stop sign. She didn’t want him to say anything more about the kiss or the fact she’d so quickly suggested they continue in her bed. ‘It’s OK, I get it. Sometimes memories swamp us but it was a bad idea.’
‘Yeah.’
‘Let’s not talk about it again.’
‘Good idea.’
A heavy silence wrapped around them both and a different sort of pain—one of lost opportunities and deep regret—filled her with an amplified sense of loss. Who knew what might have happened if she’d been more patient and prepared to wait? But there was no point going there because Gabe now had a wife and a family.
You can make amends, though.
She swallowed hard and forced out the words she needed to say. ‘You’re right, I do need to listen and let you tell you me all about your life with Jenna and the children.’
His strong, broad shoulders seemed to sag for a moment as if weighed down by melancholy, and she had to hold herself back from hugging him.
He met her gaze, his eyes disconcertingly empty. ‘Is there somewhere quiet we can go other than your place?’
She nodded, realising the two of them alone was a bad idea. She opened her mouth to reply but his mobile rang; the sound loud and jarring.
He answered it, his free hand tugging at his hair as he listened intently before saying, ‘I’ll be home in five. ‘ He rang off. ‘Sorry, I have to go. Lucy’s running a temp.’
‘Do you want me to see her?’ The offer came out impulsively, as if she didn’t know he was a doctor.
He shook his head. ‘She’s teething and although none of the textbooks say kids get a fever, I can tell you now—they can. That and filthy nappies. ‘ His attempt at a smile didn’t quite reach his eyes and a sigh shuddered through him. ‘Are you right to get home?’
She nodded. ‘Sure, it’s not far.’ Be a grown-up with him. ‘Perhaps I could formally meet everyone to make things less strained?’
His eyes suddenly stared down into hers for a moment and she saw real heartache before shutters came down fast.
‘My life’s complicated, Elly.’
She bit her lip as she deciphered the distancing code embedded in the sentence. And you’re no longer part of it.
‘What on earth’s happened to you?’ Elly’s friend Sarah passed her a cup of tea in the small church-hall kitchen. ‘You look like you’ve seen a ghost—or has Dev finally bored you so much that you’ve turned into a zombie?’
Elly had just arrived at the playgroup, having come to give an information session about the whooping-cough epidemic. But Sarah had taken one look at her and hustled her off into the kitchen.
‘Seriously, Elly, you look terrible. Are you sure you shouldn’t be home in bed?’
She thought of the emotional roller-coaster she’d ridden in the last thirty-six hours and wasn’t sure where to begin or if she really wanted to. ‘You’re kind of right. I have seen a ghost, a ghost of boyfriends past in the guise of Gabe Lewis.’
Sarah’s eyes widened with interest. ‘Dr Gabe? James and Cathleen’s totally hunky son is an ex? ‘
She sucked down the wave of pain. ‘Not just any ex. The ex.’
‘The guy who didn’t want kids?’ Sarah sat down hard on a chair, shock clear on her face. ‘But he’s got—’
Elly flinched and cut her off. ‘Triplets. Yes, I know. A ready-made family.’
‘Oh, hell, Elly, I’m sorry.’ She suddenly glanced nervously out through the window into the play area. ‘Um, Elly, the triplets came to playgroup today. Are you sure you’re up to facing all this?’
His children are here. She bit her lip and then remembered with relief that Gabe wouldn’t be there. He’d texted her that morning to say he was still keeping his promise to do the vaccination clinic from ten until noon.
Jenna will be here.
My life is complicated.
Curiosity intertwined with heartache as she realised this talk might be the one opportunity she got to see the mother of Gabe’s children. Not that she wanted to talk to her but she wanted to see her because it would make the whole situation real and surely that had to help her deal with the bombshell that had exploded in her face yesterday.
She rolled her shoulders back. ‘The town needs me to do this talk so you organise the parents inside, and I’ll do my job. It’ll be fine.’
Sarah didn’t look quite convinced.
An hour later Elly was hoarse from fielding questions but she believed she’d lowered the anxiety levels and reduced the general panic. But she hadn’t seen anyone she didn’t know, hadn’t seen Jenna. Sarah publicly thanked her and invited people to join in the communal morning tea, but Elly forced herself to walk outside to the play area, wanting to see if Jenna was there. After all, her husband was a doctor so she’d already know about whooping cough and had probably skipped the talk.
She scanned the garden. Two teenage girls were playing games with the littlies, having minded them so their parents, mostly mothers, could attend her session, and there were two other adults as well. With a start, she recognised them to be Gabe’s parents. James was sitting in the sandpit with a little boy on each side and Cathleen was watching Lucy splashing with the water-play set. She swung her head around to take in the entire area but there were no other adults present. Jenna wasn’t there.
Cathleen gave her a tentative smile and beckoned Elly over. ‘I’m sorry we didn’t come to your talk but with our mob we thought we should stay and help the girls, and Gabe had filled us in on the situation.’
Situation? A strand of panic spun through her. Which situation? Whooping cough or the fact she and Gabe had once been a couple?
If Cathleen noticed that Elly was struck mute she didn’t show it and she continued with, ‘Those poor little babies.’
It’s the whooping-cough situation. Elly quickly recovered, latching onto the topic like a lifeline. ‘I spoke with the paediatrician this morning and both are still critical but neither have deteriorated
any further, which gives us hope.’
‘That’s a bit of good news, then.’ Gabe’s mother glanced over at Lucy. ‘Grandchildren are so precious.’
Elly’s heart cramped. ‘All children are precious.’
‘Very true.’ Cathleen’s serious expression suddenly lightened. ‘Elly, James and I have organised all the bags and gloves for the next Coast-Care clean-up and the T-shirts arrived yesterday. They look fantastic and James’s business associate in Melbourne donated them so that’s even better.’
Glad to be talking about something completely neutral, Elly gave Cathleen a wide thank-you smile. ‘That’s great news. We’ll all look sensational as we haul rubbish. So, will you bring all the gear down to the beach at seven on Saturday morning?’
Cathleen frowned. ‘Actually, with the triplets being here, life’s a bit unpredictable at the moment.’ As if right on cue, Cathleen’s attention was suddenly pulled away by Lucy, who’d abandoned the water play and was heading for a trike. ‘Could you collect them before Saturday and that way we know they’re going to get to the right place at the right time?’
My life is complicated, Elly. The last thing she wanted to do was call by the Lewis house and risk meeting Gabe, who didn’t want to see her and would think she’d come to meet Jenna. ‘What if James—?’
But Cathleen wasn’t listening as she rushed to intercept Lucy, who was heading straight for a bike much too big for her. She helped the child up onto a toddler-sized trike and called out to Elly, ‘Come after six tonight— that would work best.’
For the first time in her life, Elly wished she wasn’t a Coast-Care volunteer.
Gabe had three highchairs in a semicircle, and three hungry toddlers sat impatiently waiting for their dinner.
‘More,’ Rory demanded.
‘Juice.’ Lucy pointed to the orange juice container.
Ben, the quietest of the three, started to bang his spoon on the tray top. The others immediately joined in.
‘It’s coming.’ He sliced up sausages and distributed them over three plastic plates.
‘Nana. Nana.’ Lucy looked expectantly beyond the kitchen.
‘Nana and Pa-pa have gone to a concert, remember. We waved bye-bye to the car and that’s why Daddy cooked the barbecue.’ He drizzled tomato sauce over the sausages and dumped a mixture of carrot and capsicum sticks next to them before placing a plate in front of each bibbed child.
The silence was deafening and he smiled. Some children didn’t eat but his all had healthy appetites, although Ben sometimes had to be encouraged. It was for that reason he’d chosen sausages tonight because they were Ben’s favourite and as he was doing the entire frantic evening routine on his own, he’d gone for simplicity. Simple pretty much matched his culinary skills. He handed each of them a non-spill sippy cup filled with some diluted juice. ‘What do you say?’
‘Ta.’ Rory smiled.
‘Juice. ‘ Lucy nodded.
Ben grinned and said, ‘Jubba jubba jubba,’ which Gabe always took as a thank you.
‘You’re welcome, mate. Remember the carrots.’ He picked one up and handed it to Ben, who accepted it with sauce-covered fingers.
Lucy had managed to get sauce on her bib, her face and in her hair.
Gabe laughed. ‘Sweetheart, the sauce is for the sausage, or do you want to be eaten up too?’
She held out her chubby hands. ‘More.’
He cut her another sausage, caught Rory surreptitiously dropping his capsicum off the side of the tray and coaxed him into eating it, and then rescued the sippy cup that Ben had decided to test for leaks by holding it upside down and shaking it. As they finished their food the noise levels rose again, especially when he opened the freezer. Squeals of delight rang through the kitchen as he scooped out ice cream into cones.
‘Me!’
‘My!’
‘Num-num!’
‘Ice cream’s always a winner.’ Gabe sprinkled hundreds and thousands on top of the cones as a holiday treat, although a small voice inside his head kept asking when his holiday was going to start.
When they’re eighteen.
His day-to-day routine wasn’t very different down here from what it was in Melbourne, except he wasn’t working.
You’ve been working with Elly.
Not today. He’d hated the jab of disappointment that had slugged him when she hadn’t called into the vaccination clinic, although after last night he wasn’t sure where they stood with each other. Their past hurts and dented dreams circled them like living, breathing beings, impinging on everything they thought and said; making being together a minefield of unexploded bombs.
He handed out the ice creams and watched the kids virtually inhale them. Even though the triplets had been eating real food for months, he was still amazed at how much food ended up all over them as well as in them. ‘Bathtime soon.’
The doorbell pealed. Why did people always call in at ‘arsenic hour’? It was probably one of his parents’ friends calling in for a ‘happy hour’ drink. Perhaps he could shanghai them to help him with bathtime. Yeah, right. Checking that the children were securely strapped in and busily occupied eating their favourite food, he left the kitchen and opened the front door. For a moment he just stared.
‘Hello, Gabe.’
Elly stood on his parents’ front veranda wearing a short pin-tucked sleeveless sundress, the vivid watermelon colour making her chestnut bob gleam and her eyes glow a deep, rainforest green. The dress showed off her long honey-brown arms and legs, immediately reminding him how they’d wrapped deliciously around his body the previous day, infusing him with energy and lust and making him feel instantly alive. The most alive you’ve felt in two, long years.
Women in my life equals disaster, remember, and Elly, like Jenna, is a case in point.
Nervous energy encircled her and she seemed to be looking beyond him, and into the house. She cleared her throat. ‘Cathleen asked me to collect the Coast-Care gear for Saturday. Could you please tell her I’m here?’
‘Coast-Care gear? ‘ He knew he sounded inane but his brain was struggling to move from a haze of longing to deciphering why Elly was here now when his parents were in Hobart. ‘Mum and Dad are in Hobart tonight.’
Elly paled. ‘But your mother said—’
A scream and a cry sounded from inside, instantly grounding him. He hurried back to the kitchen, calling out ‘Come in’ as he went. He found Lucy leaning sideways, trying to grab Ben’s ice cream with one hand and pushing her other one onto his face.
‘Fair go, Luce, you’ve had your ice cream and that one’s Ben’s.’
He removed Lucy’s hand and pulled Ben’s highchair away, slightly increasing the space between them. Ben immediately howled his protest, reaching out for his sister, who a moment ago had been the last person on earth he wanted. Rory joined in by throwing his half-demolished cone at his sibling and Lucy shrieked her protest.
Somehow, above it all he heard the click-clack of Elly’s sandals on the tiled floor and he turned, throwing his arms out to encompass the chaos that was his life. ‘Welcome to the madhouse.’
CHAPTER SIX
ELLY took in the tight grimace on Gabe’s lips that had appeared when he’d first seen her, and the sight and sound of tired triplets.
My life is complicated, Elly.
He doesn’t want you here so just get the stuff and leave. Now.
She had no clue why his mother had insisted she collect the gear tonight when Cathleen and James weren’t even there, but with three screaming children, now wasn’t the time to ask. ‘Um, if you can just tell me where the Coast-Care stuff is, I’ll get out of your way and leave you to it.’
Gabe picked up a damp face-washer and started to wipe sticky faces and hands, making soothing noises as he went. ‘I think Dad put all fifteen boxes in the shed.’
‘Fifteen?’ She hadn’t expected quite so much stuff.
The cries of the children reached fever pitch and her first instinct was to rush f
orward and help. She stomped on the feeling because even though Gabe’s parents were in Hobart, surely he had Jenna. But no one else had appeared in the kitchen and the noise the triplets were making would raise the dead.
His blue eyes suddenly took on a familiar calculating gleam, the one that had always appeared when he’d had an idea he wanted to sell to her. ‘Tell you what; if you give me a hand to get this crew sorted through the bath and into bed, I’ll carry all the boxes out to your car.’
His request surprised her, eating into her resolve to leave. Haul the gear yourself. She glanced at the empty doorway. Where was his wife? ‘There’s no one else here to help you?’
He shook his head. ‘Not tonight, no. Normally I wouldn’t ask because I can do it all on my own but they’re tired and will be beside themselves by the time I’ve finished. Believe me, that’s no fun.’
In the past he would have beamed a flirting and beguiling smile—one that had once made her dizzy with longing and drained her brain of all common sense— and she’d capitulate and help. But that was a million years ago from now and the Gabe in front of her seemed barely able to generate a tired smile. The only emotion emanating from him was resigned fatigue.
He’s got another life now, remember.
The children’s cries were close to hysterical and they broke her resolve. Sucker. She immediately rejected the concept. She couldn’t just walk away when he’d asked for help so she’d give him a hand and when the children were more settled she’d get the answers to her questions, and the Coast-Care boxes. ‘OK, so what’s the plan?’
‘Can you run the bath and I’ll wipe them clean enough to get to the bathroom without painting the walls with dinner? The bathroom’s just up the hall on your left and I’ve set up the towels and pyjamas already.’
She tried not to look stunned as she struggled to align this epitome of organisation with the man who’d frequently got into the shower and then yelled for her to bring soap, towels or whatever else he’d forgotten. ‘Sure, I can do that.’
‘Thanks.’