by Fiona Lowe
The genuineness of his smile spun through her like sunshine after rain, doing delicious things to her.
You’re just here to help and leave, remember. Help and leave.
She found the bathroom easily and ran the bathwater, making sure it was the right temperature, and then she heard the thump of running feet. A moment later three toddlers burst into the room like a whirlwind and Elly found herself leaning back slightly in astonishment. She was used to dealing with one child at a time but this package of three did everything at full pelt.
‘Ba-Ba.’
‘Up, me.’
Lucy didn’t bother with any words, just tried to sling one leg over the edge of the bath and climb straight in.
‘Whoa, there, sweetie. Let’s get your nappy off first.’ Elly gently caught her around the middle, her palms connecting with warm, chubby flesh—an instant reminder of her own empty arms. With trembling fingers she undid the nappy before sitting the little girl in the water.
The blue-eyed child looked at her curiously but didn’t object or cry.
‘Right, you lot, bathtime.’ Gabe walked in, barefooted and bare chested, and kneeled down next to her and the boys.
Elly’s heart flipped as heat poured through her. Memories of laying her head on his chest and running her fingers over the toned flesh pounded her, and her hands cramped as she stopped them from reaching out to touch him. He’s not yours and he’s out of bounds. Had she known helping him was going to be this hard, she never would have agreed to help.
He whipped off the boys’ nappies and lifted them into the bath to join their sister, his attention completely focused on the kids. ‘This is Elly. Can you say Elly?’
Lucy’s lips gave it a try. ‘Lee.’
Elly smiled. ‘That’s close enough.’
Gabe flipped open some ‘no tears’ bath gel and shampoo and after putting some on his palm handed it to her with a smile. ‘I’ll wash Luce because she usually objects to her hair being washed so feel free to choose a boy.’
‘Who is who?’ The boys looked identical to her.
‘Ben’s on your left and Rory on your right. It’s easy in the bath because Ben has a birth mark on his hip but in clothes they can trick me.’
Gabe leaned in over the bath, the muscles on his arms bunching as he washed his daughter’s hair, and Elly had to force herself to look away. She smiled at one of the boys. ‘Your turn, Ben.’
As she reached into the bath, Rory stood up with a plastic teapot and lifted it high. ‘Grow you.’
Suddenly water cascaded over her hair and down the front of her dress and she gasped in surprise, then turned toward Gabe and laughed. ‘I think I know why you took off your shirt.’
‘Rory, you only water people when they’re in the bath with you.’ Gabe gently remonstrated with his son and removed the teapot.
‘Sorry, Elly.’ His husky words hung between them as he passed her a towel, his gaze zeroing in for a moment on her soaked dress, which now clung to her breasts like a second skin. His irises darkened to navy, instantly backlit with recollections of the time they’d dived fully clothed under a waterfall in Vanuatu and her T-shirt had become transparent.
His head rose and she met his gaze, which immediately blanked as if the memory meant nothing. He jerked his head away, fixing his attention on Lucy.
‘No problem.’ Her throat strangled her reply as she quickly scooped up the towel, pressing it against her chest. Deep breaths. But her brain betrayed her by reeling out in slow motion the vision of how he’d peeled off her clothes and made long, sweet love to her behind the falls in a private space created by a curtain of water.
The coolness in Gabe’s eyes now made a mockery of her tingling breasts and the arrow of heat that had fired straight to the sensitive spot between her legs, making it quiver with need. It isn’t real need, it’s just a reaction to a memory.
Thankfully, the children’s splashes and laughter and the fact they required washing, drying and dressing zoomed in, defusing her inappropriate feelings and giving her time to pull herself together. They worked together side by side, each of them talking to the children but not to each other.
Gabe marshalled the now pyjama-clad triplets in front of the closed door and Elly couldn’t get over how different they looked after a bath—almost angelic.
He opened the door. ‘And now for bed.’
‘Book!’ Lucy’s eyes lit up.
‘Nigh’ nigh’.’ Ben put his hands up to Gabe, as if to say, ‘Pick me up.’
‘Sing.’ Rory ran from the bathroom.
Gabe picked up Ben and gave Elly a look that was half apologetic and half uncompromising. ‘We’ve got this whole going-to-sleep routine.’
A slug of irrational hurt pinged her at the unspoken exclusion, which was ridiculous because she knew she was just a convenient pair of hands. He’d asked for help on his own terms and she had no connection to the children. In fact, her being in the room would probably prevent them from settling. ‘I’ll tidy up here but as soon as you’ve finished I really need to get those boxes so I can head home.’
‘I haven’t forgotten.’ His expression was prosaic, as if her request was just another thing he had to do in a long list of jobs. As he was leaving the room he pulled a towelling robe off the back of the door and, without looking at her, shoved it toward her. ‘Wear this while your dress dries.’
She didn’t want to wear his robe but she knew she couldn’t keep wearing the dress so she reluctantly accepted. As he left she closed the door behind him and stripped off the sopping garment. She slipped her arms into the robe, and Gabe’s scent of fresh soap and spices enveloped her. Dropping her face into the wide lapels, she breathed in deeply before looking up and catching her reflection, eyes dazed with lust and cheeks flushed pink with need.
Don’t do this to yourself. Memories are overblown and he’s not free. Even if he was, there’s too much hurt between you.
She splashed her face with cold water, lassoed the robe’s tie tightly around her waist so it didn’t fall forward and expose her breasts and then she set about tidying up the bathroom, which looked like a tidal wave had hit it.
She could hear Gabe’s deep and melodious voice from the bathroom and she padded up the hall toward the bedroom, standing slightly back from the doorway. Gabe had his back to the door and the children lay in their cots, with ‘cuddlies’ under their arms, listening to him playing the guitar and singing.
The children were totally quiet, in stark contrast to the earlier uproar in the kitchen and the bathroom, and their heavy eyelids fluttered closed as the song continued. Elly didn’t recognise the song or the tune and suddenly realised it was triplet specific. Gabe had written it just for his children.
The man you didn’t trust enough to change his mind is the perfect father. Her heart ripped open at her own stupid mistakes.
Furious with herself, she stomped to the kitchen and started clearing up, taking her frustration out on the plastic plates as she jammed them into the dishwasher.
‘What’s the problem, El?’
She swung around at the quietly spoken words to find Gabe—an old, soft cotton T-shirt gracing his chest— standing quietly looking at her, concern clear on his handsome face.
Once she would have walked into his arms and told him everything but that wasn’t available to her any more. Besides, she didn’t want his concern or understanding pouring salt into her self-created wounds. She jammed in another plate. ‘What’s going on, Gabe? Your mother specifically told me to come after six tonight and I turn up to find you’re the only person here.’
‘Yeah, I’m just as surprised about that as you are.’ He strode to the fridge and grabbed a long, green bottle of wine from the door, spun the cap and broke the seal. For a moment the only sound was the straw-coloured liquid glugging into glasses. ‘I think we’ve both been Cathleened.’
‘Excuse me?’
He sighed. ‘I think my mother got you over here to help me with the kids.’
His shoulders rose and fell. ‘She’s picked up that there’s been something between us and in her own misguided way she was trying to help.’
Elly stared at him slack-mouthed. ‘But you’re married! And been infers the past and over.’ She pushed her hair behind her ears, tugging it hard as if that would help her understand. ‘How could she even think that your wife would be happy about an ex-girlfriend helping out with her children?’
Gabe closed his eyes for a moment and drew in a long, deep breath before raising a troubled gaze to hers. ‘Because I’m a widower, Elly.’
The wineglass slipped from her suddenly numb fingers as her blood drained to her feet. Of all the possible answers he could have given, she hadn’t expected that. ‘Jenna’s dead?’ The thoughtless words slipped out as she tried wrapping her brain around the information that he didn’t have a wife and, tragically, those gorgeous little children didn’t have a mother. ‘I thought she …’ She swallowed the rest of her sentence.
‘You thought what?’
Her brain wouldn’t cough up anything to cover the uncomfortable moment as his gaze bored into her. ‘I thought she was here with you and the children.’
His face suddenly darkened like clouds before a storm. ‘You thought I was married, even though we kissed each other senseless? Hell, Elly, it’s good to know you’ve got such a high opinion of me.’
I was single when I met Jenna. Oh, God, she’d done it again and jumped to conclusions. ‘I’m sorry.’ Guilt fluttered against the wall of her stomach. ‘But in my defence, you said the kiss was a mistake and you told me your life was complicated.’
‘It was a mistake and of course my life is complicated!’ He grabbed the toppled glass, mumbling something about mistakes before picking up a cloth to soak up the spilled wine. ‘I’m a single father of three and barely keeping everything together.’
And a grieving widower. Elly watched him pour her more wine, suddenly seeing him through different lenses. The new lines on his face and the strain around his eyes she’d put down to exhaustion, but now she knew it was much more than that. His handsome face bore the scars of someone who’d been through an emotional wringer. The mother of his children was dead. The woman he’d loved was dead yet all she’d been able to do was think about how that impacted on her. Again.
Remorse flowed through her and she bit her lip. ‘I’ve really stuffed up, haven’t I? You wanted to tell me everything last night and I just went ballistic on you.’
‘Pretty much.’ He walked over to a leather sofa and sat down, an aura of resigned distance emanating from him. Distance she’d put there.
‘And now?’ She sat down next to him, respecting his emotional reserve by giving him physical space. Space she hated.
‘Now what? ‘ He sounded tired and flat.
She blew out a long breath, knowing her behaviour had made a traumatic event even harder on him, and decided right there and then that no matter how much she wanted to hammer him with questions, she had to hold back so he could tell it his way. It would be the hardest thing she’d ever had to do. ‘Is it too late for me to listen?’
Gabe rubbed his face with his free hand, feeling the stubble rough against his palm. He finally had Elly in the right frame of mind to hear the story and a quiet and uninterrupted time and place to tell it, but doubts still lingered. ‘It’s not an easy story to hear, El.’
Her shoulders stiffened slightly, before rolling back in quiet determination. ‘Then I doubt it will be easy to tell.’
She was right about that. Just start. ‘Jenna died when the triplets were nine months old.’
She laced her fingers together. ‘That must have been really tough for you all.’
‘Tough. Yeah, you could say that.’ He drained his wineglass, thinking how the word didn’t even come close to describing the reality of the last two years. ‘Actually, it was way worse than tough.’
‘Losing a loved one is never easy.’
His head snapped up. Had he heard her right? If he’d been a patient, the Elly he knew would have reached out and touched his hand or gently squeezed his arm, but right now she sounded like a bereavement card and the words chafed against his shame for the entire debacle that had been Jenna and him.
Tell it fast. ‘I met Jenna at a base jump. She was wild and fun, and out for a good time. ‘ He shot her a look, wary of how she’d receive his next statement. ‘I needed that after everything that had gone down between us.’
She nodded, her plump and kissable lips pressed together hard. ‘I imagine you would have.’
What? Her words sat like lead in his chest. Of all the things she might have said, he hadn’t expected that, but she was looking at him with an encouraging, although tight expression. He pushed on. ‘Jenna was up for anything and I was up for escape. ‘ He recalled how he’d taken massive risks with Jenna, unlike anything he’d ever done before, just to try and get Elly out of his system. ‘But the morning I found Jenna and I twenty-five stories up and about to jump between two buildings where I knew the distance was further than we could safely jump was the day my eyes opened. What I’d initially thought was a vivacious “let’s do it” personality was actually the start of her entering a manic phase of bipolar disorder.’
‘We both know how hard bipolar is to diagnose in the early stages and hindsight is of little value, especially as she wasn’t your patient.’
He tugged at his hair. ‘And this was the classic situation. I had no clue she’d gone off the Pill or tampered with condoms and by the time I’d worked it all out, she was flying out of control and pregnant.’
A thousand questions stormed Elly’s amazing eyes, but all she said in a very controlled voice was, ‘That would have been a difficult situation for you both.’
Irritation fizzed through him as he recognised the reflective listening technique of an impartial counsellor: one who seemed to have taken the place of the passionate woman he knew normally wore her heart on her sleeve.
He gritted his teeth, feeling betrayed by her attitude. ‘No, Elly, it wasn’t difficult, it was bloody horrendous. Medication in pregnancy is fraught with dangers and Jenna refused to take anything. At seven weeks she was really ill with morning sickness and that’s when we found out about the triplets.’
Elly bit her lip. ‘Multiples can happen with post-Pill ovulation.’
‘And don’t I just know it.’ He drank more wine. ‘Jenna was thirty-three, her mother had been a twin, and with conceiving just off the Pill we got the trifecta, although my boys are identical twins, so that was just good luck.’ He sighed. ‘She was excited for about three days and agreed to be hospitalised and monitored, but then she started to come down from her manic phase and she took to absconding and disappearing for days at a time.’
He ran his hand through his hair, hating the rush of old emotions that surged through him, taking him back to that time when his carefree life had spiralled out of control and vanished forever, all because of one error in judgement. ‘There was a period in the second trimester when Jenna was very settled and she started nesting and decorating the nursery. Despite the fact the pregnancy was not only unexpected but multiple, that I was going to be an instant father of three, and my wife was walking a health tightrope every single day, I had my own delusions during that time that everything would turn out OK.’
‘You needed to believe that.’
Her softly spoken words mirrored his feelings exactly, exacerbating his guilt and shame that he’d dropped his guard, partied hard and so many lives had been affected as a result. He raged against the feeling. ‘You think? Well, you won’t be surprised to know that it was all wishful thinking because when the triplets arrived, Jenna completely unravelled.’
Elly sat perfectly still except for a flutter of a pulse at the base of her throat. ‘The arrival of triplets would stress even the most mentally fit person, and with Jenna’s diagnosis, the puerperal period is particula
rly fraught with danger.’
What the hell? His exasperation at her manner spread like a hot, prickly rash and then burst into anger. How could she just sit there impassively, as if they were discussing a case history rather than his life?
‘Elly, I’m well aware of how stressful having triplets is because that’s my life. I love them to bits but every day is like working in a child-care centre.’ He stood up, needing to move. ‘As you so aptly described, Jenna spiralled into a puerperal psychosis after their arrival and was in and out of hospital. When she was home I had every support mechanism in the book to help us.’
‘I’m sure you did everything possible.’
‘It wasn’t enough.’ The words came out through gritted teeth. He wanted to yell, he wanted to put his fist through the wall, but more than anything he wanted to shake some reaction out of her unnaturally stiff and emotion-free responses. ‘Jenna took her own life and as tragic as it was, it’s made our life easier.’
She blinked in shock as his words registered and her mouth fell open.
Yes! Finally, she was going to say what she really thought.
She took in a deep breath. ‘I imagine on one level things are easier but in many other ways they’re harder.’
A cold fury overtook his fire of anger. ‘For God’s sake, Elly, cut it out.’
‘What? ‘ Behind the confusion he caught a glimpse of real emotions spinning in her eyes.
‘I’m not your patient.’
‘I know that.’
‘Then what the hell is all this rubbish you’re spouting?’
She stood up, throwing her arms out wide, and he caught a glimpse of gingham and lace before she pulled the robe tightly closed in a gesture that said, Out of bounds to you, mate.
’You’re impossible to please, Gabe. Yesterday you told me I never listened and now that I have, that’s wrong too. What do you want me to say? That I hate the thought that you knocked up a woman weeks after we separated? That you’re a father and I’m not a mother?’
‘Well, that’s a given. I got that yesterday. But I’ve just told you about the worst time in my life and call me stupid, but I expected some empathy.’