by Fiona Lowe
Her bare feet slapped the floorboards. ‘You didn’t hear my empathy? Are you deaf? How could you have missed that I think the whole situation is tragic for everyone involved and will be for a long time to come?’
She pulled her hair back from her face, her expression so full of understanding that he thought he would suffocate from the guilt-ridden pain that surged through him in an unrelenting wave.
‘Honour Jenna’s memory through the children, Gabe, and they’ll get you through.’
He fought against the black pit of despair that had hovered over him since Jenna’s death. ‘Don’t patronise me.’
Shock jolted her but then her eyes flared with crystal-clear understanding and for the first time he felt seriously exposed, as if she’d just seen clear down to his soul.
‘Are you after empathy or forgiveness, Gabe?’
The quietly spoken words streaked home and he spun away from her.
She gasped. ‘Oh, my God, you want me to give you absolution. You want me to pat you on the arm and say, “Poor Gabe, you really got yourself into a pickle and it’s been horrible but everything’s going to be all right now and nothing was your fault.”‘
Her words burned into his shame and culpability with pinpoint accuracy and he turned back to her, defiant and attacking. ‘That is the dumbest thing you’ve said all night.’
Elly nodded slowly. ‘Yes, you’re right.’
A trickle of relief dripped through his veins that she hadn’t got close to his locked-down feelings about Jenna, his never-ending self-blame that he hadn’t loved her and perhaps if he had she’d still be there to enjoy her wonderful children. ‘I’m glad you can see that.’
‘I can, because what I said wasn’t quite on the money, was it? You don’t need my forgiveness at all, Gabe, you need it from yourself.’
Blood roared in his ears as the walls seemed to close in on him. He wanted out. ‘You don’t have a clue what you’re talking about, Elly.’ He strode out of the side door toward the garage without waiting for a reply.
CHAPTER SEVEN
ELLY should have been thrilled at the turnout for the Coast-Care clean-up. The beach, the dunes and the park were dotted with people in bright, baggy T-shirts, all wearing gloves and clutching big, grey rubbish bags. Locals, holiday-house owners and tourists all mixed in together with esprit de corps as they went about trying to minimise their global footprint.
However, throughout the morning as she’d handed out gear, ticked off names and weighed rubbish, Elly kept thinking about Gabe, Jenna and the triplets. The story of the last two years was simply awful for all of them, and Gabe wore his guilt about Jenna like a suit of armour. Part of her understood his guilt—one decision had changed his life for ever and no matter how he’d tried to make amends and had done the right thing, Jenna had still died.
But another part of her—the bruised and reeling part—was totally frustrated with him. No matter what she did or said, it was wrong. They clashed every time they met and although she had a dangerous urge to try and help him work through his grief and pain, she decided that their shared past would prevent that from ever happening.
You helped him last night. But hands-on help with the cute triplets, although hectic, was the easy way to help. It was the emotional stuff overlaid with their past that was fraught with danger.
Ironically, Cathleen and James had made it to the clean-up after all, full of apologies about not being home when she’d visited.
‘Jenny and Ian Gilbert couldn’t use their symphony tickets so we decided at the last minute to go. At least Gabe was able to help with the boxes.’ Cathleen had given her an open smile.
‘Yes, he was most helpful.’ As she’d directed them to their allocated section of the beach, she hadn’t mentioned that he’d loaded her car in silent fury and had turned away the moment he’d slammed her tailgate shut. She hadn’t seen him since.
‘Hey, Doc.’ Two teenage boys, their sleep-rumpled hair wild around their heads, smiled at her. ‘Can we still help?’
‘Absolutely.’ Glad to be taken out of her reverie, and happy to be busy again, she organised the boys, who were the first crew of a new wave of volunteers streaming in to take over from the early birds. As the sun marched up to its zenith, the pile of rubbish bags on the trailer grew and by noon most people had finished and Elly was totalling up final figures.
‘We might be more of a hindrance than a help with clean-up so we brought a thank-you picnic lunch instead.’
The familiar mellow voice washed over her bent head, entering her body on a slow stream of heat. Heat that moved through her, lighting fires of longing—fires she needed to douse because they would only taunt her with what might have been but now never could be.
She slowly raised her head, giving herself time to cover her feelings, although she knew her warm cheeks would betray her. Gabe stood in front of the trestle table, holding a boy in each arm. Lucy bounced in a backpack on his shoulders. Her heart tore a little more, as it did every time she saw him with his children—a constant reminder of what she didn’t have. Given the massive elephant in the room that was their past, which dominated every meeting, she wasn’t sure she could sit down to lunch with him or why, after the other night, he even wanted to. ‘What are you thanking me for?’
‘Your help with bathing the kids.’
She clipped pages onto her red clipboard with a snap. ‘You loaded my car so we’re even and a thank-you lunch really isn’t necessary.’
‘But I didn’t exactly do my share of the deal with the same generous spirit you did.’ His sky-blue eyes flickered across her face, apology shining brightly in their depths.
Lucy’s small arms waved at her. ‘Lee, Lee.’
Ben—or was it Rory?—leaned out of Gabe’s arms toward her. ‘Dig sand.’
Deep inside her a primal instinct stirred.
Not a good idea. But every part of her was being pulled toward the idea of lunch by the children.
Gabe’s eyes twinkled. ‘Now, how could you possibly refuse an invitation so enthusiastically given?’
Just treat it as lunch with an acquaintance. Leave the elephant alone. ‘Is there cake?’
‘Lemon poppy-seed.’
The elephant trumpeted, He remembered your favourite cake. No, it’s his favourite cake, and she pushed the elephant back where it belonged. ‘Let’s eat, then.’
Gabe had set up the picnic on a large rug under a shade awning. He sat the boys in the double stroller and then with a practised swing he safely took the backpack off his back with Lucy still in it, and set it up on the sand like a chair. He gave each child a cheese stick for one hand and a celery stick for the other.
She watched him, still struggling with how organised he’d become and how he seemed to do everything with a self-containment she’d never noticed in other fathers. All too often they hand-balled parenting duties to their wives but Gabe didn’t have that luxury and it sounded like he’d never had it. He’d been the hands-on parent from the start and the bond he’d forged with his children seemed almost exclusive.
He sat down next to her and smiled, a quiet but devastating twitch of his lips that raced through golden stubble, around his ever-present fatigue and up into his eyes like the dazzling white of a sparkler.
Her self-imposed calm shattered, her breathing suddenly shortened and she forced air down deep into her lungs. Lunch was a dumb idea.
He pulled two plastic containers from the cooler and she recognised the familiar logo of the newly opened Midden Cove Café and Caterers. He ripped off the lids and handed one to her. Moist, cold chicken nestled against a green salad and the aroma of garlic and lemon made her stomach rumble. ‘This looks fantastic.’
He grinned. ‘Great. You take your time to savour it but I’m eating fast because I reckon I’ve got fifteen minutes before they’re going to want to be in the water.’
She could just imagine one of the triplets running off in the opposite direction of the other two or possibly all three
running off in different directions. ‘Won’t you need more than just you to supervise them?’
He nodded. ‘Mum and Dad are going to come back down.’
She accepted the proffered cutlery, glad to be thinking about the logistics of outings with the triplets as a way of keeping things between them more normal instead of fraught with the battlefield of emotions that had characterised their other encounters. ‘How do you manage work and the kids back in Melbourne?’
He opened a bottle of cold water. ‘It’s something that’s always changing but currently I’m doing four twelve-hour days a week in A and E, and having three days off in a row.’
No wonder he looked exhausted. ‘Are they in child care when you’re at work? ‘ She thought they might be, given how easily they’d coped with her presence at bathtime.
He shook his head. ‘I’ve got two great nannies that cover the days I’m at work so the kids can stay at home. They do the evening routine of dinner and baths and, emergencies excepted, I’m always home for bedtime.’
She remembered the song he’d sung to the triplets and suddenly understood why he’d been determined to put them to bed on his own. ‘That’s your special time with them, isn’t it?’
His face lightened with a look of appreciation. ‘After the turmoil of their first nine months, I’ve tried to give them as much stability as I can, which is why we’re on holidays now.’
‘Stability—I don’t quite get how that’s related to this holiday.’
‘Both Bella and Lauren, the nannies, are in their twenties and have boyfriends who are keen surfers. They wanted to be off for the month so I took leave and came down here.’
She stared at the calm ocean. ‘Well, Midden Cove is an ideal holiday place. ‘
‘Daddy.’
The cheese sticks had been eaten and the celery gnawed, and the triplets started babbling and pointing. Gabe quickly opened another container. ‘Here it comes. ‘He held the container aloft and pretended to fly it toward the children.
‘Me.’
‘Mine.’
They clapped their hands in delight as he let each of them choose their own slice of watermelon and Elly had to work hard at not feeling like she was an outsider looking in on a four-way partnership. ‘They’re totally full on, aren’t they?’
He fell back onto the rug. The new lines cut in deeply around his eyes but the laughter lines around his mouth softened the look. ‘They pretty much go from dawn till dusk, like that bunny they use to advertise batteries. Most days they have an afternoon sleep and because we’re on holidays, I usually have one too.’
She stared down at him, trying not to let the past hover but without success. ‘I can’t imagine you ever needing a nap.’
‘Things change, El, life changes us. Once my life was bookended by adventures and beautiful women like you. Now my life is bookended by work and the triplets and I don’t see that changing.’ He sighed. ‘I can’t even finish conversations. Sorry, what were we talking about before the kids interrupted?’
She tried to think back and concentrate but her brain has stalled on ‘beautiful’. ‘Um, that Midden Cove is a great place for a holiday.’
‘It is, but you’re not here for holidays.’ He shot her a quizzical look. ‘Are you in Midden Cove for someone, El?’
The question came out of left field and she breathed in far too quickly, shooting a piece of chicken into her throat. She started coughing and gasping for air simultaneously, and tears streamed down her face.
Gabe dropped his lunch box and immediately thumped her firmly on the back twice as she coughed and finally dislodged the meat.
‘Here, drink this.’
He handed her the water bottle and she gulped down the contents before wiping her face with the back of her hand.
He silently handed her a napkin and watched her, his eyes glinting with an unusual hint of silver in them. ‘I’m taking nearly choking on that question as a yes, then. It’s that bloke who picked you up the other day, isn’t it?’
No. She tugged her hair behind her ears. ‘Dev’s a …’ She paused for a moment, wondering exactly how to define him. That alone is telling. ‘He’s a friend.’
A ripple of tension hovered around him. ‘He doesn’t look at you like he’s a friend.’
She pulled at a chicken wing. ‘Of course he does.’
‘No, Elly, he looks at you like you’re his.’
The tone in his voice made her heart give a traitorous hiccough. Did he have any feelings left for her after all this time? ‘Does that bother you?’
His jaw tightened so much it threatened to snap. ‘Elly, you left me to find someone and I’ve had two years to get used to that idea, but as someone who was in a nightmare of a marriage, something I am never going to repeat, all I can say to you is make sure this guy is the one.’
Work and the triplets and I don’t see that changing.
That was why he was so self-contained with the triplets.
The kiss was a mistake.
A mistake because he didn’t want a relationship with anyone. Her heart ached despite itself.
Why? You’ve both hurt each other too much. You know it would never work out so put your big-girl pants on!
It’s not about me, I’m just sad for him and the triplets.
He reached out his hand and the tips of his fingers barely brushed her cheek with the softest touch before falling to his side. ‘I’m in Midden Cove for a few weeks and it seems a waste to spend that time stuck in the mire of our past. I know we’ve hurt each other but do you think there’s any possibility we can move round everything that’s happened and find a way to be friends?’
Friends? Her cheek burned from his touch as the banked heat inside sent flames licking at every part of her. Even in the biggest denial room of her heart she knew that the touch of a friend wouldn’t send delicious tingles through her or make her want to pull him against her so his body lined hers.
But there was no ambiguity in what Gabe had said. He only wanted friendship. Most of her knew he was right—a future as a couple when they only seemed to inflict hurt on each other wasn’t going to work. But friends?
A traitorous sea of sadness pooled inside her and her brain seized under all the conflicting emotions so all she could get out was, ‘You want us to try to be friends?’
‘You’re right, it’s an idea riddled with quicksand and probably way too hard.’ He sat up, running his hand through his hair, and his eyes held a haunting desolation.
‘What if I threw in the odd hospital shift and we settled for colleagues?’
She bit her lip, needing the sharp pain to stop herself from throwing her arms around him and kissing him until the desolation vanished. ‘No. Yes. I mean yes to both. I can use a hand occasionally and although it’s probably going to be rocky, I think you’re right. Friendship is our only option.’
‘So it’s a deal?’ A myriad of undecipherable emotions swirled in his eyes as he held out his hand.
She stared at his broad, tanned hand with its long, tapered fingers; fingers that in the past had soothed her, stroked her, caressed her, and brought her to ecstasy. Not once had they ever wrapped themselves around her hand in a perfunctory handshake.
You just agreed to friendship and this is what it is.
‘Dig!’
‘Out, me, now!’ Lucy held up her arms.
‘Jubba, jubba.’
Elly spun round to the children, thankful for the distraction, and she bobbed down in front of Lucy. Reaching in, she unclipped the safety strap before the little girl knocked the backpack over. ‘Time for a paddle.’
‘Up.’ Lucy held her arms out to her.
Delight streaked through her confused and battered heart. She lifted the little girl high into the air and spun her around like a plane before running down to the water, never more glad to have an excuse to put some distance between her and Gabe. This friendship was going to be the hardest one she’d ever had.
‘How’s it all going?’
Elly’s voice came down the phone line and the image of her teeth pulling at her plump, cherry-red bottom lip socked into Gabe. His groin immediately tightened and he blew out a long, slow breath, thankful that at least he couldn’t smell her ocean-fresh perfume because that always made his blood run hot. He knew lusting after a friend was bad and, so help him, he didn’t want to crave her with every fibre of his being, but every time he thought he’d got his newly returned libido under control, his body would laugh in his face.
Just act like a friend. ‘Not much is going on at all.’ Elly had gone to Hobart for a meeting and Gabe had offered to be on call. ‘In fact, I’m finishing up a very quiet afternoon clinic where the most exciting thing that happened was that Manny Abraham stuck a currant up both nostrils at playgroup.’
‘Again?’ She laughed. ‘Poor Ruth. Two weeks ago he put sultanas in his ears.’
‘I did suggest that he not be given any foods smaller than a biscuit.’ He swung around in his chair and gazed out the window toward the road. ‘So, where are you?’
Careful, you’re sounding like you care what time she gets back.
No! A friend can ask a question like that.
It had been a week since he’d suggested they try being friends. After the emotional quicksand of the first few days after he’d met Elly again, friendship had seemed like the only solution available to them. He needed a way to move forward too because he and Jenna had been a nightmare, and he and Elly had burned each other so badly that starting over as a couple wasn’t an option. Besides, the thought of another relationship with all its inherent pitfalls and heartache made him shudder. Yet despite knowing all that, he just wasn’t ready to say goodbye to Elly completely.
So far the friendship attempt had seemed strained but with moments of relaxation; like the other day when Elly and the boys had lost their balance jumping tiny waves and with gales of laughter had pulled him and Lucy into the water with them. It was times like that which gave him a glimmer of hope that they could actually pull this friendship off. Right then he realised with a start that the few times they’d got together, it had always involved time with the triplets, and the two of them had never been alone.