by Fiona Lowe
Why now?
But she didn’t care why he’d chosen right this minute to propose, a time when they were covered in children and she couldn’t throw herself into his arms, but she knew she’d just been given exactly what she wanted. ‘Yes. Oh, very much, yes.’
His hand reached over Rory and stroked her cheek. ‘Imagine I’m kissing you with joy.’
She caught his hand with her free one, kissing his fingers and tracing them with her tongue.
He shuddered, his eyes dark with longing. ‘I think it’s time we tried to put these kids in their cots so we can really celebrate. I’ll take Ben first and then come back for Rory.’
She nodded, shaking with happiness as she watched him carry Ben from the room. Rory stirred and she patted his back, and he rolled over and slept on. Gazing at the children, she finally let go of the barriers she’d unsuccessfully tried to hold in place, letting her heart open completely to them, knowing they were truly hers.
Gabe padded back, sliding his arms under Rory and silently carried him out of the room. Elly swung her feet to the floor and followed. She lowered Lucy slowly into her cot, keeping her close to her for as long as possible and quickly tucking the light summer quilt over her to try and avoid a rush of wakening, cold air. Then she quietly backed out of the room.
Gabe carefully closed the door with the softest click and with his finger to his lips he caught her around the waist and kissed her until she was boneless with need and delirious with happiness. In a fumble of feet and hands, they stumbled back into his room, discarding clothes as they went, and the moment he closed the door, he pulled her onto the bed covering her body with his.
His mouth never left hers, his tongue branding her as his own, taking her breath and exchanging it with his. The intensity stunned her and she rose up toward him, urging him on, and the moment he entered her she knew that this time she was home. Fast, hot and frenzied, they quickly rose together toward the stars and spilled over into ecstasy, bonded together as one.
‘So finally a real celebration.’
Gabe’s smile cascaded over Elly as she sat adjacent to him at a small, linen-covered restaurant table, loving it that he kept leaning in to kiss her. It totally made up for the fact she’d felt slightly under-par all day, as if she was fighting a virus. She raised her glass of champagne to his and smiled. ‘I thought Saturday night was a pretty good celebration.’
‘Oh, yeah.’ He grinned at her, his eyes sparkling dangerously with undisputed desire. ‘That goes without saying, but this dinner is just us because the moment we tell my parents, that’s going public and the craziness starts, with everyone weighing in with congratulations and opinions.’
He traced the length of her ring-finger on her left hand. ‘By the way, I know you like sapphires, rubies and diamonds so I’ve rung a jeweller in Melbourne to sketch some designs but if you have anything in mind, you can talk to him tomorrow.’
‘I haven’t given rings much thought.’ Elly was still deliciously floating on air with occasional moments of total incredulity, and her brain was in a permanent state of bliss.
‘Now’s the time, then.’ He captured her entire hand in his. ‘There’s a heap of things to organise, including when you leave Midden Cove.’
The thought of cutting her ties with the town saddened her. ‘I guess I have to leave because there isn’t a job here for you unless you’ve considered working at the Royal?’
His eyes widened in surprise and his reply was slow to come. ‘What about we buy a shack down here for holidays and that way you can get your Midden Cove fix and the triplets get their grandparent fix?’
‘That sounds like a wonderful idea.’
‘Great. Now, back to when you think you can leave the Cove.’
She thought of Jeff, who wasn’t even halfway through his trip. ‘I need to give my partner notice and the earliest would be two months but probably more likely to be three.’
‘Three months.’ Gabe frowned. ‘I really want you in Melbourne with us as soon as possible.’
The floating feeling got slightly bumped by reality. ‘I want that too but I can’t leave until there’s a doctor here, Gabe, you know that.’
‘Hmm. What if we could get a locum in earlier?’
‘If Jeff was OK with that, and I can’t see why he’d object, then it might just work. I’ll email him tonight.’
‘I’ll draft an ad for you so it’s ready to go and I’ll put the word out to see if anyone at Melbourne Central fancies a change down here.’
He leaned in and kissed her again. ‘One problem partially solved. Now, for the wedding. March in Melbourne is a great time for a wedding.’
This time reality slammed into floaty and Elly tumbled back to earth. ‘But that’s only weeks away. My mother will have a fit.’
His thumb stilled its wondrous caresses on the back of her hand. ‘It doesn’t have to be a big wedding, does it? I thought we could get married at the registry office and go for lunch at Florenzzi’s afterwards.’
‘Oh.’ A jab of disappointment caught her by surprise and a tiny ripple of concern washed against her happiness. This was to be her first and only wedding and although she understood he’d been married before, that hadn’t been the love match she shared with him. She put down her glass and held both his hands. ‘It doesn’t have to be a huge wedding but I want to walk down the aisle on my father’s arm and stand proudly next to you, in front of our family and friends.’
He kissed her affectionately on the nose. ‘Just promise me no horse and carriage and no meringue wedding dress, and I’m there.’
‘You’re on.’ She hugged a smile to herself. In the past they’d have argued, each stubbornly holding their ground, unable to compromise, but they’d just negotiated a middle ground with spectacular ease.
The waiter brought a taster plate of entrées, which looked like a work of art with a tiny goat’s cheese and pumpkin tart, a miniature Vietnamese rice paper roll and a variety of seafood from octopus to tiger prawns, but Elly’s normally ravenous appetite had vanished. She put it down to the constant fizz of excitement that had filled her from the moment Gabe had proposed and by default had given her what she wanted most in the world. Almost.
Gabe swallowed his morsel of Tasmanian trout marinated in Campari and chervil. ‘So we’ve covered your job here and the wedding. I guess we should talk about our home.’
Our home. The sweet feeling of belonging rushed in so fast she felt hot and dizzy, and she needed to rest her head on his shoulder for a moment before she could speak. ‘How would you feel if I didn’t work full time? I’d really like to work a couple of sessions a week in a family practice and spend the rest of the week at home with the triplets. ‘
He leaned in close, his forehead touching hers and his eyes ablaze with delight. ‘I’d hoped you’d want to do that. ‘ He tucked her hair behind her ear. ‘We can work out the nannies’ rosters around your job and mine, and sometimes or at all times, you might want some help on your at-home days. I know I do.’
She kissed him, loving him so much she thought she’d explode from the joy. ‘And I was thinking, when the triplets are two we could start trying for a baby brother or sister for them.’
He tensed and lifted his head away from hers, slowly straightening up in his chair. ‘I think that’s a bit soon, El.’
His answer surprised her. ‘Really? Why?’
A muscle twitched in his jaw. ‘Because four kids under three would be beyond stressful.’
Old feelings of anger, sadness and disappointment started to rise slowly from deep inside her. You want everything your own way. Gabe had levelled that criticism at her and he’d been right. Forcing herself to take a deep breath, she focused on keeping calm and relaxed because if she’d learned anything, it was that her reactions had played a major role in their break-up last time. Back then she’d lost everything and there was no way was she risking losing it again, and more. They’d just compromised on work and the wedding with a minimum of fus
s and they could compromise on this.
She reached for his hand again. ‘I guess you’re right, it would be pretty full on. What about we start trying when they’re at kinder? Then when the baby arrives the triplets will be at school.’
‘That’s just when our life will be getting easier, El.’ His gaze bored into hers, his blue eyes filled with unusually serious strands of colour. ‘You know what they’re like now, totally full on and then some, but once they’re at school you and I will have the time to do things as a couple as well as a family.’
This time you have to trust him. Elly struggled to keep her faith as the loud ticking of her biological clock almost deafened her. ‘OK, so when do you think is a good time to start?’
He shrugged, his shoulders rising in a gesture of vacillation but settling into rolled-back resoluteness. ‘We already have three gorgeous children.’
She leaned even closer. ‘I know and I love them with all of me, but I want to have a baby and give them the joy of having a younger sibling.’
A chilly tension touched his cheeks. ‘We’re a family the way we are.’
Her mouth dried and her heart hit her ribcage with a sickening thud. ‘Are you saying you don’t want to have another child? A child with me?’
He kissed her gently on the forehead. ‘Elly, with your age and your family history of twins in every generation, we could go from three to five in a heartbeat.’
She tried to stave off the rising panic that this was a repeat performance of their stand-off two years ago. She somehow forced her tight-with-tension cheek muscles up into a smile. ‘So we’d have a tennis team.’
His mouth flattened. ‘It isn’t funny, El. My three alone will stretch us.’ He ran his hand through his hair. ‘Hell, after the other night you know the workload with the triplets—and what about us? We count, Elly. I want a long and happy marriage like my parents’ and more children would only stress us.’
‘No, it won’t and, besides, it’s not a given that I would have twins, just a chance.’ The fight for her yet-to-be conceived child buzzed through her with the protection of a lioness for her cub. ‘We’re a team, Gabe, and we have help from the nannies, your parents and my parents. We can do this—a baby will strengthen us.’
She cupped his face with her hands. ‘I love the triplets, that’s not in any doubt at all, but I want to experience the wonder of motherhood, not only from fifteen months but from the very beginning.’ Her hand fisted against her chest. ‘I want to feel your child growing inside me.’
She hauled in another breath and stared deep into his eyes, seeing his apprehension and understanding it in part. ‘You know I want a child, you’ve known it for almost as long as I have. Last time you once accused me of not listening to you and not trusting you enough. I know right now the thought of more children and the chance of twins is overwhelming for you, but you’re a fabulous father and you’re going to relax into this over time and change your mind.’
He leaned back slightly. ‘What we have is special, El, but it will sink under the onslaught of five or more children and slowly shrivel and die. We can’t risk losing us.’
His fear rolled into her and she moved to reassure and soothe. ‘Like I told you two weeks ago, I’m not Jenna, Gabe. I’m not going to lie to you or tamper with contraception. I’m not going to have a baby without your agreement and we’ll use contraception until you’re ready.’
His eyes flickered with shadows and a sad smile attempted to tug at his lips. ‘That’s good to know, but I really think the best thing is if I have a vasectomy.’
No! Her breath turned to solid ice in her chest, the burning cold numbing her from tip to toe. Dear God, it really was happening all over again, only this time it was ten times worse because she loved him even more and she loved his children.
This is so not fair! Every part of her wanted to storm out at the unjustness of the situation.
Be mature. Stay. Make it work.
She’d never done anything so hard in her life and she could hardly frame the words but she forced them across rigid lips. ‘A vasectomy’s virtually irreversible and it will just cause massive problems for us when you change your mind.’
‘I won’t change my mind, Elly. I made this decision before Jenna died and the only reason I haven’t acted on it was lack of time and necessity. But now is the time and it’s more important than ever.’ He touched her arm. ‘I’m doing it for us.’
She wanted to scream, yell, shout and cry but she dug deep and hauled on every cell of reasoning, trying to follow his line of thinking. ‘For us? How do you see that?’
Sincerity lined his face, rooted in deep belief. ‘A vasectomy means no accidents and it will protect us as a couple.’
Gabe’s words hammered her, making no sense. She tried to slow down her racing thoughts, tried to work out what was really going on. Did it have anything to do with Jenna?
He’d told her he didn’t want another relationship and then he’d proposed to her, so surely that meant he was completely over his first marriage?
Think. He knew she wanted children because they’d broken up over this very issue two years ago so why would he even propose marriage to her if he didn’t want them to have a child together?
Marry us.
Us. Him and the children.
She desperately tried to remember what else he’d said when he’d proposed. Imagine I’m kissing you with joy. Joy.
Not love.
The truth ripped through her with unspeakable pain and silver spots floated before her eyes. He didn’t love her. She knew he admired her and desired her, but he didn’t love her. He’d might have loved her once but not any more.
He loves the triplets.
Come back to Melbourne with us and make our family complete.
And there it was, the reason he’d proposed. She wanted to sob on the cruel irony. She’d challenged him on why he was locking women out of his life and how the triplets needed a mother and that was why he’d changed his mind—he wanted her as the mother for his children.
This time she didn’t misunderstand him. This time she was not at fault. She’d offered compromise and he’d refused. He had his children and he didn’t want any more. If he loved her he’d want a child with her and understand why she needed their baby in her life.
She stifled a cry as hot and cold chills raced through her and her heart bled until the only thing left behind was a dry and arid wasteland. Gabe was no different from Dev. He wanted her in his life for his own reasons and her wants and needs didn’t count.
‘Elly, the triplets are as much yours as mine.’ Gabe broke the long silence, hating the way Elly’s face had paled, apart from two bright spots of colour burning on her cheeks and making her look feverish. He’d thought the triplets would be enough for her because the idea of more children had him running scared, given what he’d been through with Jenna. No way was he risking losing this special bond he had with Elly by the arrival of more children.
He had to make her understand. ‘You’re their mother in every sense of the word but I can have formal papers drawn up so you can legally adopt them if that makes you feel better.’
She shook her head, her green eyes grim. ‘I love the triplets and formalising my role isn’t the problem. The idea of the vasectomy is the problem.’
He sighed. ‘I’m being practical, El. We have three kids already and can you really imagine us with another set of twins? ‘
She pressed her lips together. ‘Up until two minutes ago I absolutely could, but now I can’t.’
Relief filled him that they’d reached agreement. He brought her hand to his mouth and kissed it. ‘It’s the right decision and it will protect us so we last long into the future.’
She tugged her hand away, her neck and jaw rigid. ‘No, Gabe, it will destroy us.’
A jet of fear tore through him as memories of the past rose up like spectres. ‘I’m giving you three children, Elly. Three. An instant family. Surely that’s more than enough
to fill the nurturing hole inside you.’
‘You really believe that, don’t you?’ She sounded inexplicably sad.
‘I do.’ He dropped his head close, breathing in her scent and her vitality, and stroked her cheek. ‘We’re great together and we’ll make wonderful parents for the three we’ve got and still have time for a life, not to mention an amazing sex life.’
She jerked in her chair as if she’d been shocked. ‘You’ve got it all figured out, haven’t you? I mean, perish the thought we went a week without sex.’
‘It would be a lot longer than a week.’ The moment the muttered words came out he wanted to grab them back. ‘I’m sorry, sweetheart, of course it isn’t just about the sex. It’s about how hard it is for a relationship to survive the first year with a baby or, in our case, probably twins. You think it will be fine but I know the challenges because I’ve lived through them. Believe me, I’m only thinking of us when I say not having more children is the best thing for our future.’
She drained her glass of champagne in one gulp and hit him with a look that seared. ‘You once accused me of not listening to you but now you’re not listening to me. How many times do I need to tell you I’m not Jenna?’
Frustration poured through him. ‘I know you’re not Jenna but you know the stats for postnatal depression after giving birth? I can’t live through all that again, Elly. I can’t risk losing you.’
Her eyes glinted like steel. ‘Do you love me, Gabe?’
The question packed an unexpected punch; driving down deep to the part of himself he’d protected with barriers after she’d left him and then locked down tight after the debacle with Jenna. Do you love her? It was the question he’d asked himself on Saturday and hadn’t been able to answer.
‘Elly, you’re my best friend, my lover, and in my eyes the mother of my children.’
‘Your children.’ She bit her lip, her teeth white against the plump crimson of her lipstick. ‘But not our children.’