Rush

by Minard, Tori

  “I’m glad you were there,” Mrs. Winters said.

  Bob Winters repeated his unwilling nod of acknowledgment. “Yes. Thank you for that. I appreciate you standing up for her.”

  “It was no problem at all. I was glad to do it.” And that was the truth. It would have destroyed me if Caroline had gotten hurt, especially if I could have done something to prevent it and hadn’t.

  “Let’s have some pleasant conversation now,” Mrs. Winters said.

  I caught her eyes. “I care for Caroline a lot.” It struck me just how inadequate those words really were. I didn’t simply care for her.

  “You don’t have to say that,” Caroline whispered.

  “Why not? It’s true. I’d never let anything bad happen to you if I could help it.”

  She looked at me, her eyes shining, and I felt some barrier in my heart crumple and give way. I was falling for her, fast and hard. No, that wasn’t true. I’d already fallen. I loved her.

  Chapter 22

  Caroline

  That year’s winter break was the longest one I could remember—not just in chronological time but in subjective time. It felt like Max and I were apart forever instead of only three weeks. Even though we saw each other once or twice a week, it wasn’t enough and too much of that time was taken up with driving back and forth between Portland and Avery’s Crossing.

  On the day I got back to campus, I didn’t even bother unpacking my stuff into my dorm room. Instead I went straight to Max’s apartment with my suitcase.

  I parked my car in the driveway behind his and got out, popping the trunk so I could get to my suitcase. He came out of the house just as I was lifting my bag. He wore a dark blue Henley with the long sleeves pushed up and snug faded jeans.

  I dropped the bag and ran to him. Laughing, he caught me and lifted me in his arms as I threw my arms and legs around him. We kissed, a long and hot caress of our mouths, and it left me starving for more.

  “I’ll get your bag and we’ll go upstairs,” he said, his voice husky.

  “Does that mean I have to get down?”

  “Yes. Although right now I wish I had four arms so I could keep holding you and carry the bag at the same time.”

  I released him. My knees were wobbly from the hotness of our kiss. “Let’s hurry.”

  He grinned at me, blue eyes sparkling. “Yes, ma’am.”

  We went upstairs and into his apartment as fast as we could move. Max set my case down on the floor at the foot of his bed and grabbed me, pulling me against him with one arm while he clasped my head in his other hand.

  His mouth crashed down on mine. I clutched him to me, moaning into his kiss, my body undulating against him. It had only been a few days since my last visit and I felt like if I didn’t have him naked against me, inside of me, within the next few minutes, I would expire of sexual frustration.

  We sank to the bed, Max tugging impatiently at my coat. I shrugged out of it, my mouth still fused with his. The coat ended up somewhere on the floor, my shoes, sweater and jeans following rapidly.

  He cupped my breasts through my bra and I arched into his touch, whimpering at the pleasure of it. “You’re so beautiful,” he said.

  I was too far gone to argue with him. He unclasped the bra and then the slightly roughened heat of his bare palms met my flesh.

  “This isn’t fair,” I said. “You still have all your clothes on.”

  He let go of me to yank his shirt over his head. I set my hands at his waist and kissed him right between his collarbones. He sighed. With my hands still at his waist, I continued kissing him down and across his chest, through the thin sprinkling of black curls over his pecs. I pushed him backward until he stretched out on the bed and then I bent to press more kisses to his ribs.

  These bones had been broken once. If I could have kissed away all the pain he’d suffered, all the ugly memories, I would have done it right then. But memories don’t erase so easily.

  I wished there were words, something I could say that would heal the wounds of the past.

  Lifting my head, I looked into his drowsy eyes. “I love you.”

  His lips parted. He studied my face with an air of shock, as if those were the last words he’d ever expected me to say.

  “You don’t have to answer,” I said. “I just wanted you to know.”

  He lifted a hand to caress my face. “Caro, you’re so sweet. You’re the sweetest girl I’ve ever known.”

  But he didn’t love me. I could live with that. Couldn’t I?

  Maybe I shouldn’t have said anything. I didn’t want the mood ruined, so I returned to kissing him, this time along the length of his belly.

  I fumbled with the button on the fly of his jeans. He took over for me, lifting his narrow hips and skinning out of the pants so fast I laughed. Max grinned at me and rolled me under him.

  “Don’t laugh at an aroused man.”

  “Or what?”

  “He might eat you.” He buried his face against my neck and growled.

  I shrieked, giggling as I writhed underneath his weight. The playful wrestling turned to passion in an instant and soon we were moving together, our moans and cries driving us to greater and greater ecstasy.

  When his orgasm hit, he bent his head, black hair falling forward to hide his face. “Caro—” he gasped. “Love you. Love—”

  He broke off into a wordless groan, his body shuddering in my arms. My eyes stung. He didn’t really love me; he’d only said that to make me feel good. A false declaration of love was worse than none at all, and I hated the way some guys would say those three words when they didn’t mean it. I should definitely have kept my mouth shut.

  Afterward, he held me against his body, his hand stroking tenderly along the length of my back. His touch felt loving. It had since the first time we’d been together, the first time we’d kissed. Maybe I’d been wrong. Maybe he wasn’t lying when he’d said the L-word.

  It was wrong to ask. Too clingy, too pushy. But I needed to know or I’d drive myself crazy wondering.

  I tilted my head back to see his face. “Did you mean it?”

  “Hmm?” he said sleepily, eyes closed.

  “What you said...did you mean it?”

  His eyes opened. He brushed a curl from my face. “Yes, I did. I love you.”

  “You didn’t have to say it just because I did. I wasn’t trying to push you into anything.”

  “I said it because it’s true. I love you.”

  I couldn’t answer. All I could manage was a shaky little smile.

  “Hey,” he said, tracing my cheekbone with his thumb. “What’s going on?”

  “I just don’t know what you see in me.”

  His eyebrows lowered. “What?”

  “I’m not beautiful or sexy. I’m not witchy and cool like Selene. I’m boring. Ordinary.”

  “Caro, you’re not ordinary. Trust me on this. And you are beautiful and sexy. How could you think you’re not?” He sounded genuinely puzzled.

  I flicked one of my curls. “This stupid hair of mine, for one.”

  “I love your hair.”

  I snorted. “You do not.”

  He lifted himself up on one elbow. “Yes, I do. Why don’t you like it?”

  Was he for real? “It’s all fuzzy and it never does what I want it to do. It looks like a mess of snakes on my head.”

  “But it’s interesting. It’s not like anyone else’s hair.”

  I rolled my eyes. “Exactly. That’s the problem. Maybe I should get it straightened.”

  “Don’t you dare.”

  I frowned at him. “You really like it?”

  “Yes. I love it. I love how unpredictable it is.” He pulled a curl out until it straightened, then released it and watched it spring back into its usual corkscrew shape.

  “My mom’s hair is exactly the same, except she works really hard to make it straight. I think she uses, like, fifty different products to make it look all smooth and shiny.”

  �
��Yours is better. It’s wild and sexy, like you.”

  I gave him a skeptical look and he grinned.

  “You were sexy the minute I met you and the wild...well, you’re getting there.”

  “You’re crazy, Max,” I said, poking him gently in the belly.

  “I’m glad I met you. I’m glad you’re here.” He kissed my neck. “I love you, Caroline Winters.”

  ***

  I woke suddenly. My heart was racing and I didn’t know why. The light in the room had faded and there was nothing left of it but a weak gray glow. It looked cold and unfriendly, and a chilly draft blew across the bare wood of Max’s floor. I shivered.

  Max was sitting up in bed next to me, staring at the wall. His faded blue comforter had fallen around his waist, so he was bare on top in the cold room. His shoulders were slumped, his back curved in apparent defeat. Although he said nothing and didn’t move, I could sense the despair radiating off him.

  I placed my hand lightly on his back. “What’s wrong?”

  He turned his head and looked at me with bleak eyes. “I’m going to lose you.”

  I sat up, pulling the comforter around our shoulders. “What are you talking about?”

  “I don’t deserve you,” he said, his voice rough and low.

  “Of course you do, Max.” I moved so we faced each other, the comforter wrapped around us, and put my arms around his shoulders. “I love you. Do you hear me?”

  He buried his face in my hair. “You’re too good for me.”

  “That’s bullshit. No-one’s too good for you.”

  “I wish that were true.” His lips moved against my hair. “I really do.”

  “You’re a good person. You saved me from those guys the night of the party; you helped me with Retro-girl; you listen to me and you never make fun.”

  “Do other people make fun of you?”

  “Sometimes.”

  “Assholes,” he said.

  “You never do. You’re so good to me.”

  His shoulders slumped even more. “It’s not enough. I didn’t really do anything with those guys and I sure didn’t help you with Retro-girl. All I did was talk to her and let you sleep over here. Which was to my advantage, I might add.”

  “If it wasn’t for you, I would have ended up raped that night, so I have no idea how you can say you didn’t do anything. And you did help me with Retro-girl. You listened without laughing; you gave advice. No-one else would have done that for me.”

  “Caro—”

  I took his face between my hands and stared into his beautiful eyes. “You are a wonderful, strong person, Max. How many people do you think manage to get themselves off the streets, get a GED and go into business for themselves? Not very many, I’ll bet.”

  “I had help. I didn’t do it by myself.”

  “So what? That’s not the point.”

  He sighed, shaking his head inside the cage of my hands. “You don’t get it.”

  “Yes, I do. You’re determined to hate yourself because of your past. Don’t let it control you.”

  “You don’t know what really happened.”

  “Then tell me.”

  “I can’t.” His voice cracked. “I just can’t.”

  My whole body ached in sympathy for his pain. I pulled his head down and kissed him. He needed forgetfulness, and physical intimacy was the only thing I could think of that might give it to him.

  The sex this time was slow and sweet. I tried to show him how I felt with caresses instead of words, but I couldn’t tell if he got the message. Every movement of his body seemed filled with sadness that I couldn’t touch or soothe away.

  “Never forget I love you,” he murmured to me as he entered my body.

  “Yes,” I said.

  He began to move. “No matter what happens, remember I love you.”

  I stared up at his troubled eyes. “Max, you’re scaring me.”

  What had happened while I slept to disturb him so deeply?

  “I love you,” he said, sliding deep into me.

  The burst of pleasure that came with his movement drove the worry out of my mind. But only temporarily. When we were finished, I held myself over him and fixed him with a determined stare. “Tell me what’s wrong. What happened to you?”

  He gave me what I think was supposed to be a carefree smile. “It’s nothing. I just had a bad dream. Sorry I scared you.”

  “Max—”

  “Really, it’s nothing. Don’t worry about it.”

  ***

  Chapter 23

  Six weeks after I broke up with Trent, he caught me when I was on my way from my French literature class to the dining hall for lunch. Max and I didn’t have any classes together this term, so I typically didn’t see him until the afternoon, thus giving Trent an opportunity to catch me unawares.

  He caught up with me right after I left the foreign language building. My French lit class had ended and I was on my way through the January drizzle to the dining hall. I had my hat pulled down so far the brim narrowed my field of vision, so I didn’t see him dashing toward me. I just heard his voice.

  “Caroline!”

  I turned before I realized who it was. He had a baseball cap pulled low over his eyes and a blue running jacket that I didn’t recognize. But I knew him instantly.

  I paused, dreading the encounter. “Hi, Trent.”

  “How’ve you been?”

  “Fine. Good.” I smiled politely. “How are you?”

  “I’m okay. Are you on the way to a class?”

  “Um...no.” Why did I have to be so honest? I should have lied.

  People were walking around us like we were rocks in the center of a fast-moving stream. They paid no attention to us, but I still didn’t want to have any kind of conversation with Trent in such a public place.

  “I’d like to talk to you for a few,” he said. “Catch up.”

  “There’s really nothing to catch up.”

  “Just as friends?”

  That was exactly what Max used to say to me, before we became romantically involved. I lifted my brows. “Friends?”

  “Look, I know things didn’t end so well between us, but I’d like to think we’re still friends,” Trent said earnestly.

  I pursed my lips. “Okay. I guess we can be friends. But you should know I’m seeing Max.”

  He gave a solemn nod. “Yeah. I know.”

  “Okay. Well, I’d better go.” I took a step forward.

  “Can I buy you lunch?” he said, matching me.

  Oh, boy. “Trent, I don’t think that’s a good idea.”

  “Aw, come on. I just need to talk to you for a few minutes.”

  “You’re talking to me now.”

  “Yeah, but there’s no privacy here.”

  That was exactly what I’d been thinking. However, I didn’t like where he seemed to be going with it.

  “I don’t see why we need privacy,” I said. “We’re just friends. Besides, Tiffani wouldn’t be happy if you went off alone with me.”

  “Yeah, about that. Things aren’t going so well with her.”

  I glanced at him. He wasn’t looking at me and the expression on his face was neutral, giving nothing away.

  “I hadn’t heard,” I said.

  “I thought maybe Paige had told you.”

  “No. She’s been busy with Dan, so I haven’t seen much of her. And because of Tiff, I haven’t been to my house, so I’m out of the loop.”

  Trent grabbed my hand and pulled me off the sidewalk and under the prickly canopy of a massive Douglas fir tree. “Actually, she broke up with me,” he said, gazing watchfully into my face.

  “I’m sorry.”

  “Don’t you want to know why?”

  I pulled my hand from his grasp. “Not really.”

  “She said I wasn’t over you.”

  I took a deep breath. “Trent—”

  “We were good together, Caroline.”

  “No, we weren’t. You said I was frigid,
remember?”

  He rolled his head to the side, his eyes closing briefly. I wasn’t sure if the gesture was supposed to convey sorrow or irritation. “I didn’t mean it. I was just angry.”

  “But it was true. I didn’t respond to you.”

  His eyes snapped to mine. “What does that mean?”

  “It means we’re not very well matched.”

  “That’s not true.” He reached out and recaptured my hand. “I miss you. All the time.”

  “I’m with Max. And I’m happy.”

  He scowled at me. “You can’t be happy with him. Not possible.”

  I struggled not to laugh in his face. “It’s totally possible. Max is a great guy. I’m not interested in leaving him, if that’s what you’re implying.”

  “But—”

  “Trent, it didn’t work with us. Let it go.”

  “I can’t let it go. I need you. Please, Caroline, give me another chance.”

  He seemed genuinely sincere and it hurt me to disappoint him. But I couldn’t go back to the loveless, sexless existence I’d had before Max came into my life.

  “I care about you,” I said. “But I can’t be your girlfriend. I’m sorry Tiffani wasn’t the one for you, but I’m sure there will be others. Just not me.”

  I tugged at my hand until he released me. Before he could resume his campaign to get me back, I strode from under the tree and into the foot traffic headed toward the student union. I didn’t look back. I didn’t want to give him the idea I regretted my decision or that there was any wiggle room.

  ***

  When I got to the student union, I noticed my hands were trembling a little. I got in line at the sub shop and hauled out my phone to send a text to Max.

  Hey. Saw Trent just now.

  He answered immediately. R u ok?

  Fine. No. Upset.

  At the student Union?

  Yes. The commons.

  Be right there

  I’d just reached the front of the line when Max slid an arm around my waist and kissed me on the temple. “You okay, baby?”