Master of My Mind BN

by Jenna Jacob

  “What?” I asked unnerved by his silent scrutiny.

  “You know they’re going to be pissed, right?”

  “Pissed about what?” I asked, anxious and ready to leave.

  He grunted. “Pull that innocent act on someone who hasn’t spent the last three years studying you like a damn book. I know every nuance about you, angel, and it won’t fly with me. Don’t think for one minute your friends won’t be ticked off when they find out you needed something and never called.”

  “I don’t need any help. There’s nothing I can’t do for myself,” I huffed.

  ”Stubborn, minx. Come on. Let me take you out to get a phone and some clothes that fit.” Tony extended his hand. I took a step back, adamantly shaking my head. “Oh, I get it. I suppose my offer falls under the category of things you can do for yourself right, sweetheart?”

  His sarcasm was like a steel brush up my spine.

  “Exactly,” I snapped with a tight, irritated smile.

  “Fine,” his Dominant tone rolled over me in a hot, silky swell. “Look at me. Look into my eyes. Promise that you’ll call me if you need anything.”

  “Tony…I…”

  “Promise me, angel.”

  “Okay, I promise.” I rolled my eyes. “Happy now?”

  “Not even close,” he issued a low growl that sent a rush of heat straight south.

  “Tony,” I exhaled on a deep sigh. “I’m not a child. I have a plan. I have money. I have a car. I definitely won’t be living under a bridge or digging through dumpsters. I’ll be fine. You’ve gone above and beyond the call of duty, and I thank you, but I need to go.”

  “No, you’re not a child, and I have no doubt that eventually you’ll land on your feet. But I also know you’ve been through a hell of an emotional shock. You are going to crash, eventually. I don’t want you to be alone when you do.”

  “If and when I crash, believe me, it will be much easier if I am alone. Honestly, I don’t want an audience when it comes time for me to bawl my eyes out. You’ve already seen enough of my tears.”

  “You haven’t even tapped the surface yet, sweetheart,” Tony replied in a grim tone.

  “Maybe not but I’ll deal with it, okay?” He wore an expression of doubt. “Please, try to understand. It would be easy to use you…use all of my friends as crutches, but that would only prolong the inevitable. I want to deal with my grief in my own way.”

  “I understand your need for independence, but before you go, we need to discuss what happened upstairs.”

  “There’s nothing to talk about.” I swallowed tightly, wishing he’d leave the whole sordid episode alone. There was no way I was going to stand there and dissect what had happened in the bathroom. “Like you said, it’s all normal stuff.”

  “Yes, the need for comfort is, but I lost my head.” He scrubbed a hand over his face. “I’ve wanted you for so damn long, and there you were—in my house—naked and in my shower. I should have left you alone, but I couldn’t. It was either join you and try to give you the comfort you needed or put my fist through the wall. I never meant for my actions to add guilt to your grief. I’m sorry, angel.”

  Stunned by his apology, I didn’t know what to say. Leaning in, I gave Tony an awkward hug before I tugged off his socks, and tucked them into his hand.

  “It’s okay. Look, I’ll call you when I’m settled,” I mumbled before dashing out the door, and into the pouring rain.

  He stood on the porch watching me. I heard him issue a curse as I slammed the driver side door. Thankful I had one piece of property Sloane and Hayden couldn’t take from me. George had registered the little red sports car in my name. Shoving my key into the ignition, the Mazda Miata purred to life, and I backed out of Tony’s driveway.

  Headed toward George’s neighborhood, I intended to stop at the bank. He kept a healthy amount of cash available, and luckily neither Sloane nor Hayden knew I had a debit card and full access to his account. That should have given me a sense of comfort, but unfortunately I hadn’t relaxed a stitch since leaving Tony’s.

  His masculine scent clung to the clothes he’d let me borrow. Images of his hard body and nimble fingers rolled in an endless loop through my brain. I needed to buy some new clothes… ones that didn’t induce 3-D color, Dolby surround sound visuals of Tony’s tantalizing dominance, his warm lips, insightful gaze, and thick hard… dammit! I had to focus on something other than that man.

  Pulling beneath the awning of the bank’s drive through, I waited for the automatic teller machine to process my transaction. My behavior with Tony had been appalling, yet I couldn’t erase one spectacular second I’d shared with him. Turning back to the teller machine, the simple withdraw was taking an unreasonably long time I blinked at the message on the display.

  Your transaction cannot be completed. The account is closed. Please select another option.

  My heart thundered in my ears as my guts churned. “No!” I screamed. White hot rage surged. “I should have killed those fucking bitches when I had the chance.”

  The ramifications of not having a dime to my name slammed me like a sledge hammer. With a piercing squeal of tires, I jettisoned from the bank, leaving a trail of smoking rubber in my wake. The road before me blurred as tears filled my eyes. Blinking, I eased off the accelerator and glanced at the parking lot of a strip mall, adjacent to the bank. Coming to a stop in a vacant corner of the lot, I shoved the gear shift into park as tears dripped from my cheeks.

  Vacillating between rage, fear, and grief, a string of obscenities tore from my lips. And as my body shook with sobs, I leaned my head on the steering wheel and cried.

  Misery over Sloane’s and Hayden’s cruel deeds morphed into anger at George for leaving me, that slid into guilt for my actions with Tony. It all eventually dipped into despair. I was destitute.

  I sat in my car feeling sorry for myself and cried a long time. Spilling more tears than I imagined possible. The dark skies rolled overhead, matching my mood. Wiping my face on the sleeve of Tony’s shirt, it was pointless to sit there bawling like a child. I needed to get my shit together and figure out a plan of action.

  Exiting the parking lot, I drove the city streets, unsure of a destination. Stubborn pride kept me from going back to Mika and Julianna’s house, and self-preservation stopped me from returning to Tony’s. Driving aimlessly for hours, I was lost in a daze of indecision. No money, no phone, no clothes, no home. Foolishly, I’d boasted to Tony I wouldn’t wind up under an overpass, scrounging through dumpsters. It seemed my words had come to bite me in the ass.

  Sitting at a stop light, I glanced at my surroundings. Ironically, I was a few short blocks from Genesis, and I hadn’t a clue how I’d gotten there. Alarmed that I’d been so mentally out of it, I realized something must have drawn me to the club. Gazing down the street, the massive courthouse with its bronzed dome loomed in the distance. I wasn’t masochistic enough to drive past it, and when the light turned green, I pressed on the gas ready to make my way into the turn lane and flee that part of town. Suddenly my car began to chug and lurch. Looking down at the gas gauge, I cried out in panic. The tank was on empty.

  “Can’t I get a break? Please? All I need is just one motherfucking break,” I screeched, limping my vehicle to the curb. Too pissed to cry, I wiggled my feet into the cold, damp heels I’d worn to George’s funeral. When I stepped out of the car and slammed the door, I snorted at my reflection in the window of a dry cleaner. Trevor would have a hay-day if he saw my current fashion statement: thermal shirt, baggy sweat pants, and black high heels. “Penthouse centerfold, here I come,” I hissed, as I stomped down the sidewalk.

  The cold rain burned my face and the clothes Tony lent me were soaked in minutes. Tired, angry, cold, and numb, I made my way to the entrance of Genesis. When I tried turning the knob, I shook my head. It was locked.

  “Of course it’s fucking locked! Why would it be open? Oh, that would be too goddamn easy wouldn’t it? Being locked out of my house, every
fucking dime yanked from my fingertips, a car without any gas, ruined leather shoes, freezing my ass off in this son of a bitching rain! Why on earth did I even hope that the fucking door would be open?” Screaming at the portal, I gave it a swift kick that sent a ribbon of pain straight up my shin.

  With a heavy sigh, I trudged around the side of the building toward the back parking lot. The wind and rain pierced my flesh like a thousand tiny needles. Gazing over the gravel strewn lot, there wasn’t a car in sight. I exhaled a heavy sigh before climbing the stairs to the back entrance. I didn’t know the code to unlock the door, so I curled up in the tiny alcove attempting to shield myself from the blustery cold wind.

  I knew Sammie would arrive soon and open the club, so I waited and shivered, praying she wouldn’t be long. The petite Domme was a fiery little thing but she held a world of compassion in her soft heart. She’d let me inside so I could crash in the private room George and I once shared. I’d be able to take another hot shower and hopefully find some dry, warm clothes that Master and I kept stored in our dresser there.

  My chest tightened at the thought of stepping inside those four walls without him. We’d spent so many nights lost in our own little world. Misery had me in a stranglehold, and I couldn’t seem to pry its wicked hands from my throat. For the first time in my life, I wondered if I was going to survive the pain.

  Looking up at the sound of crunching gravel and the soft hum of an engine, I watched Tony pull into the lot. Great. Just fucking great. It had to be him, didn’t it? “Shit,” I cursed under my breath as he jumped out of his car, hunched his shoulders against the windswept rain, and hurried toward me.

  “Leagh? What are you doing here? Why are you sitting outside?”

  “Can you please just let me in?” I asked, trying hard not to whine.

  “Of course, angel, but why are you sitting out here?”

  Fighting the urge to fall against his chest, surround myself in his heat and strength, and cry, I clenched my fists so I wouldn’t touch him and explained the craptastic chain of events. Ending my tale of woe with my abandoned car down the street.

  When he opened his mouth to speak, another vehicle pulled into the lot. Tony cursed, and a look of worry settled over his face.

  “Hold on. I’ll be right back.”

  He bounded down the stairs as the car pulled to a stop beside him. Peering into the vehicle, I recognized Destiny, a massive pain slut and one of Tony’s regular bottoms, sitting behind the wheel.

  “Hey, Des. Sorry but something’s come up. I need to reschedule,” Tony explained.

  “But you said to meet you now ‘cuz you wanted to use me hard. I changed all my plans for this. And now you want to reschedule? You’re joking right?”

  I could hear the bitterness in her voice.

  “I know exactly what I said, girl,” Tony’s tone held a sharp edge, heavy with dominance. It made me quiver. “I didn’t purposefully mess up your plans, Destiny. But Dahlia needs my help right now, so you and I will have to wait.”

  “No, I don’t,” I called from behind him. “Just open the door, and let me in. Then beat her ass and fuck her or do whatever it is you need to.”

  Tony turned, pinning me with a stony glare.

  “I don’t follow orders from a sub, Dahlia,” he growled before spinning back toward Destiny. “We’ll do this another time.”

  Great! I’d gone and pissed him off. A proper submissive would never tell a Dom what to do; it was known as topping from the bottom. But at that particular moment, I was fed up, knocked down, and freezing my ass off. There wasn’t a submissive bone in my body. There was no reason Tony had to rearrange his plans of a little spank-n-fuck, at least not for me.

  “Fine. Dahlia needs all the help she can get anyway,” Destiny sneered, her words dripped with sarcasm as she flashed a hateful glare my way. “You two have tons of fun. Try not to break her, Sir.”

  Everything about the girl screamed of jealousy, and I wanted to laugh. What the hell was going on in her peroxide saturated brain? Did she honestly think I’d allow Tony to vent his ‘frustrations’ on my ass? Not in this lifetime… or the next.

  Destiny sped out of the parking lot, sending gravel spewing in all directions. Tony turned back to me. His eyes narrowed, his face lined in an angry frown as he stormed back up the stairs.

  “Don’t be pissy with me. I told you to take her inside. You’re the one that sent her away.” I huffed as Tony punched in a complex set of numbers on the security pad.

  “You don’t dictate what I do, brat,” he scolded as he jerked the heavy door open.

  “Stop calling me that!” I bristled as I rushed past him and marched down the long hall.

  “Why? It’s the truth. You undermined my dominance in front of another sub. I don’t care how shitty your day has been.” His tone was downright caustic. “I’ve given you a lot of passes over the past few hours, princess, but no more and especially not here. You’ll show proper respect, or else.”

  “Or else what, Tony?” I snorted and rolled my eyes. “You think for one second I’d ever let you beat my ass? Get real. We both know that’ll never happen. You’re not going to lay a hand on me, so stop with the idle threats. Got it?”

  I folded my arms over my chest in defiance, shivering as the cold soggy clothes pressed against my flesh.

  “Oh, I got it. I’ve got a hell of a lot more than you give me credit for, angel.” He stepped in closer, his warm breath fluttered over my ear. “Stop pushing me, Leagh. I’m not going to tell you again.”

  The harsh tone of his whisper left no doubt, Tony’s patience had run out.

  Raising my chin mulishly, I gave a curt nod. “Fine. You’re a DM, so I assume you have a Master key that will unlock George’s door, correct?”

  “I do.”

  “Then would you please let me in the room. Sir?”

  “Only because you asked so nicely,” Tony smirked as he slid the key into the lock. Pausing, his shoulders stiffened. He turned, and his dark eyes softened. “Are you sure you’re ready to do this?”

  “No. I’m not ready at all. But frankly I’m out of options.” I choked back a sob, quickly swallowing it down. “Please. Just open the goddamn door.”

  “No, angel, you’re not out of options,” Tony sighed, tipping my chin up with his fingers. “We can leave here. I’ll take you shopping, get you a phone, whatever you need. We can grab some dinner. Then I’ll take you home and get you settled into one of my guest rooms. You don’t have to stay here and put yourself through this. There are other options, Leagh.”

  It would be so easy to take him up on his offer and walk away from the painful ghosts waiting on the other side of the door. But I couldn’t remain suspended in the murky limbo I’d been trapped in for the past four days. I had to find a way to work past my grief and carry on, even though I was scared senseless.

  “Please, Tony. Don’t make me beg; just unlock the door.”

  “Christ, Leagh. Do you always have to be so goddamn stubborn?”

  “Yes. If I’m going to survive this, stubborn is the only way I’ll make it through,” I whispered.

  With a heavy sigh, Tony swung the door open.

  CHAPTER FOUR

  The spicy scent of George’s cologne as it wafted from the room was a kick in the gut. Swallowing back a cry, I fingered the switch on the wall and flipped on the lights. Nothing prepared me for the barrage of memories that inundated me. Safety, comfort—hollow. Laughter, love—empty. Yearning, need—anguish.

  Tony clasped my shoulder and gave a tender squeeze. “I’m here if you need me.”

  Without looking back, I nodded stepped through the door, and closed it behind me. Two steps into the room I closed my eyes and inhaled a deep breath. Sandalwood and spice filled my senses. In the silence of the room, I felt my heart reach out to George, craving to give him my surrender, one last time. The harsh reality that he’d never again fulfill my submission was a tight fist, gripping my heart.

  Stripp
ing away my wet clothes where I stood, I decided to forego the shower and crawled onto the bed, snuggling down beneath the clean sheets. The blanket still held his scent and I gathered it to my face, breathing him in as bittersweet memories crowded my mind.

  “I miss you so much, Master. I’ve been numb since you left me. I’m sorry for letting Tony touch me, but for the first time since you left me, I felt alive. It felt like I’d finally taken a breath again, but I’m so sorry.” Tears dampened the blanket. “My whole world has been yanked out from beneath me. Why did you have to die? I miss you so much.”

  Sobs cracked my voice as I curled into a tight ball and savored his fragrance.

  “I’m so lost without you. I don’t know what to do. I’d give anything to spend one more day with you, surrounded by you, wrapped in your arms. Please. Help me find a way to go on without you.”

  More pain bubbled to the surface as memories bombarded me. I was helpless to do anything but let the crushing grief consume me.

  “Nothing’s ever going to be the same,” I sobbed. “I need to touch you, hold you, feel your calming caress. I’m so fucking scared, George. All those times you whispered in my ear, telling me it was going to be alright… it’s never going to be alright, again. Is it? Who is going to hold me when the nightmares come? Who is going to talk me off the ledge when the fears swallow me up? I can’t do this without you. I don’t know how to go on, George. I’m terrified. I don’t know what to do.” Screaming the words, my throat burned, and my head pounded.

  “Oh, god, George! I can’t survive this. It hurts too much. Why did you have to go?”

  I remained coiled in the covers for hours, pleading with him to find a way back to me—to ease my grief—my agony—my fears. Even after my tears refused to fall, sobs scraped the back of my throat. Exhausted and fragmented, I hugged his pillow to my chest. Closing my eyes, I prayed that sleep would save me from the agony that pumped through my veins.