Beyond Control

by Karice Bolton

  “If it’s too hard…” she began.

  “No. If he’s going to be back in my life, I’m going to need to deal with it at some point.”

  She nodded, releasing her hand from mine.

  “Aaron never let me believe that my mom wasn’t going to make it. He always wanted me to see the bright side of things. Even though I think he was carrying the burden around knowing the reality of the situation, he never let me veer from keeping the faith that my mom would beat the cancer. At the same time my father threw himself into the company, a lot of the responsibility of caring for my mom fell on Aaron. Granted, we had help but it’s not the same. Never once did he complain. He still drove me to the lessons, and even took pictures so we could show my mom how I was doing.” I felt a lump forming in the back of my throat. Damn! This was what I was worried about.

  “For the last two years of her life, he was more than my brother. He was my best friend, and as silly as this sounds, kind of like a father to me. My dad was busy flying around the world for the company. Now that I’m older, I understand why my father left us behind. He couldn’t deal with the grief. It doesn’t make it acceptable, but I at least understand it. They’d been high school sweethearts.”

  Brandy frowned, shaking her head slowly.

  “I think that’s why my dad tries to burn through the money so quickly. The company always did great under his leadership. It was always profitable, but the years when my mother was sick were the years my father threw himself into the business. The sales went through the roof, and that’s when most of his real wealth accumulated. I think he feels guilty and doesn’t want anything to do with the money. He’d rather give it away then be reminded about how he earned it.”

  “Brutal,” Brandy whispered.

  “Yeah, especially now that I’m older and kind of see things for how they were. My mother was such a sweetheart. She never ever let her worries transfer to my brother or me. She always praised my father, and I know half the time she was lying. In the mornings, she’d tell us he’d been home with her the night before and had snuck out to catch a plane before we got up, things like that.” I took a deep breath in and let it out slowly, scanning the sidewalk as a skater rolled by.

  “My mom passed away when I was twelve, and Aaron had turned eighteen a few days prior to her death. The day after my mom’s memorial service, my brother took off. He never said goodbye, didn’t tell me or anyone where he was going. With a father who was never around and a mother who had died, he’d left me all alone. I didn’t know what loneliness was until that moment. I couldn’t understand how he could just abandon me like that; especially knowing my dad wasn’t around anyway. She passed away in the spring, and he still had a couple months left of school, but he left. For the first few months, I kept thinking he’d come back home. I’d spend my days staring out the window waiting for him to return. He never did. Not only did I lose my brother, I lost my best friend and the one guy I could always count on. It took me a long time to get over it, but I guess I didn’t really. It was more like pushing it out of my mind.”

  “Wow. You still don’t know why he left?” she asked, her voice soft.

  I shook my head. “Nope. For the first few years, I expected like a letter from him explaining what happened or why he left. By the time I got to high school, I knew that would never arrive and I moved on. If people asked if I had any siblings, the answer was no.”

  “I can see why…so he doesn’t know about the transplant,” she paused, biting her lip. “And everything you went through?”

  I shook my head. “I saw him spot the scar but no. I mean I know I never told him. When I needed him the most, not once but twice, he was nowhere to be found.”

  “Aren’t you kind of curious to find out where he’s been or why he left?”

  “I don’t know if I am. That summer I was mourning for two people, and I had to put him in a box in the back of my head to be able to function. Just seeing him makes me angry, so I’m not really sure it would be a great idea. I learned to take control of my emotions from that summer on.”

  “It makes more sense now that you’ve explained everything,” she replied. “And I’m going to forgive you for not telling me.” She winked at me and I started laughing.

  “That’s probably why most of my relationships suck. I control everything. What I tell people. What I don’t tell people. Everything feels highly orchestrated. I’m most in my comfort zone when I’m at the control panel, so I don’t have a chance at getting hurt,” I muttered, letting the realization of my words sink in. Maybe that really was the problem.

  “But that doesn’t always work,” she reminded me.

  I gave her a dirty look as I tried to force out the images that immediately came to mind. Finding my last boyfriend in bed with someone else didn’t help the cause either. And the boyfriend before that seemed to be mysteriously unavailable on weekends. Just poor choices on my part, that was all.

  “No. I let it slip. I lost control and gave him my heart. That was the problem,” I corrected her. “Which is why sex and relationships aren’t part of my equation any longer. And definitely no love.”

  “That order might be a little backwards but whatever. I think you’ll change your mind sooner than you think.”

  “I need to focus on my career,” I countered. “That’s where I’ll thrive. The other stuff will come later when I can control my life a little better.”

  “Do you think that’s why you switched majors?” she asked. “Because working in a corporate setting is more certain than trying something on your own?”

  “Probably,” I said, ignoring the gnawing in my stomach.

  “This sandwich was great,” Brandy replied, grabbing a twenty out of her wallet.

  “So were my éclairs. Both of them,” I said chuckling as I dug in my purse for my wallet as we wandered up to the counter to pay our bill.

  “I still hope he asks you out,” Brandy said, turning around to tease me and bring the lightness back into our afternoon. “Who knows what the afternoon holds.”

  “I’m spoiling you with my famous linguine. You better be home by seven sharp.” Brandy poked her head into my office and flashed me her innocent grin as she stepped fully inside. She knew I wouldn’t be late for a home-cooked meal, especially anything pasta related. Between the éclairs and the pasta, I was going to have to work out doubly hard tomorrow...Although, I think I might have promised myself that yesterday about today too.

  “You’ve got my word,” I said, smiling. “Promise.”

  “Okay. See ya in a bit.” She tapped the doorframe and spun around, exiting my office.

  I pressed my fingertips into my neck, hoping I could massage away the tension that had built up since my brother reappeared. Attempting to distract myself from him and the problems he brought, I scanned the daily sales figures again from yesterday. We had a great week last week, but this week looked like a slow start. Actually, it wasn’t slow… It was dismal. Not all outlets had been reported, but it showed a steep decline in the dairy category. We needed to reverse this before the week ended, or we’d have an overall decline for the week. I couldn’t let that happen, not that I actually had much say in the matter but still.

  We were one of the main suppliers of organic dairy products, so it was often easy to be in the lead, but that kind of complacency also lets the little guys muscle their way to the top. I had to figure out what ate up our business. Glancing at the charts, my eyes landed on a colorful pie chart. Relief began spreading as I analyzed the numbers that had been pulled. It wasn’t our performance. Our analyst had included the wrong products by bundling too many of our competitors’ non-dairy sales into their results. Of course that would shift our performance. Feeling immensely better, I placed the report on my desk and turned off my laptop. In the morning, I’d go over what should and should not be included in our sales figures with the team… just a gentle nudge at the importance of accurate data collection. We had several new hires so it was bound to happen
at some point.

  Leaning back in my chair, I looked up at the ceiling and stared at the crown molding. Was this really what I wanted to do for the next forty years? Stare at market share and figure out ways to sell fancy cheese? Fighting the shudder that wanted to creep up my spine, I shook my head. It would bring me a nice, stable life. Or at least it was supposed to provide that, and I had decided that’s what I had wanted. Right?

  A few days ago, everything had been exactly how I wanted it—how I planned it. I graduated with a major in business and was working at a leading gourmet food corporation. Granted, my father owned it, but it still counted. I had a great life and didn’t want for anything. I had everything under control—my control—and now I was starting to feel a slight shift in my universe and wasn’t sure I liked the unsettled feelings that kept popping up. Like why couldn’t I get Jason out of my head? I had never let a guy invade my thoughts like that, especially one with a probable girlfriend and who was ‘content’ with his dating life. God, why did I have to open my big fat mouth?

  I let out a sigh and pushed myself away from the desk. Somehow merely thinking about him brought a smile to my lips. Well, hopefully on Saturday, some of his really non-redeeming qualities would shine, and I could drop him from my mind.

  Turning off my tiny desk lamp, I got up from my seat and pushed in my chair. I grabbed my purse and closed the door. Making my way to the elevator, I passed by Ashley, one of the new analysts. She was really nice, and I hoped it wasn’t her who’d made the mistake. Confrontation, no matter how miniscule, wasn’t my favorite part of any day, but it made it easier when I at least didn’t like the person.

  “Hey, Ashley.” I waved. “Don’t stay too late.”

  “Just finishing up,” she replied, smiling. “My husband’s coming to pick me up on the way to the Sounders game, so it gave me time to get a jumpstart on tomorrow. Thanks for those tickets.”

  “That’s right. I totally forgot. I guess the neon green you’re wearing should’ve tipped me off. Hope you guys have a blast,” I told her as I stepped into the elevator. She had won Sounders tickets for an incentive last week. They were club seats and included dinner and drinks. One of the many perks of corporate life.

  I took the elevator down to the parking garage and walked over to my Jeep Rubicon. That was my splurge. I unlatched the T-top over the driver’s side and popped off the roof and did the same on the passenger’s side. Stuffing both lids in a bag, I put them on the backseat and hopped in the Jeep. I didn’t get all that many opportunities in Washington to drive around with the T-top removed, so I was going to take advantage whenever I could. Pulling out of the garage, I made a right turn onto the busy city street. With the Sounder’s game in only a couple hours, the city sidewalks were plastered in neon green people in every direction. It was a very festive sight, with blue and green scarves dangling from everyone’s necks…never mind that it was in the eighties.

  I turned on my radio and switched it to my iTunes selection. Landing on Sub Focus’s Tidal Wave, I let the electronica wash over me as the wind blew through my overly pinned and secured hair. The warm air felt wonderful as it crawled along my skin. I saw Puget Sound glistening off in the distance with the commuter ferries chugging back and forth to the islands. I had always loved the islands.

  Maybe I could do what my brother did and take off. Be free from everyone and everything. I glanced at all the tourists at Pike Place Market out enjoying the sunny evening. That place was packed! The flower vendors had huge bouquets of dahlias, delphiniums, stocks, and daisies stuffed into paper. The arrangements were always so pretty.

  My Jeep crawled along in the intersection, and the beat of the music did what it always did for me. It took my cares away. I glanced at myself in the mirror and the prominent French knot that my hair was twisted in. It really was far too tidy for my liking. I did a quick release of my barrette and felt my hair cascade down my shoulders as I continued digging out the pins in my hair. It’d probably be completely tangled by the time I arrived at our condo but oh well. That’s what conditioner was for. My finger tapped on the steering wheel to the beat as the next song came through the speakers, and my mind drifted off.

  How fitting!

  Maroon 5’s Love Somebody came on next, and I started singing and laughing out loud, catching the attention of a family in the crosswalk. I waved and smiled as they chuckled at me, enjoying the crazy girl who could no doubt keep herself completely entertained in a Jeep. Turning my attention back to the lyrics, I let myself wonder… Maybe I did need to find someone but how cliché was that? I never grew up thinking I needed a man for anything—ever. So why would I start now? Maybe, what I really should do was get on that bike on Saturday and ride somewhere, anywhere.

  I turned into the entrance of the parking garage and clicked the remote and watched as the gates opened. This commute had proven to be far too deep. I think I needed to make sure Brandy was with me for all future commutes so I didn’t suddenly move to Alaska. Apparently, it was best if I had very little time to myself at the moment because all sorts of crazy wanted to come flying out of me. If I was already daydreaming about escaping my brand new life, I had better start thinking twice what it was that I really wanted.

  I pulled into my parking stall and grabbed the bags with the roof lids to take upstairs. I might as well keep them off the Jeep and enjoy the sunshine since it was supposed to be nice for the next week.

  I hopped in the elevator and hit floor eleven, leaning against the sidewall. The elevator stopped at the lobby, and a woman carrying an iced coffee drink stepped in. She was dressed in a form fitting, blue suit and had a tight French knot. She was probably only in her early forties, but the expression on her face made her appear far older and stressed. Her lips could barely yield a smile as she looked at me. Pressing floor seven, she stepped back and sullenly stared at the doors. My hands began to get clammy and the elevator began feeling very stuffy. I looked down at the floor and refused to give in to the amount of anxiety that was somehow pressing its way into my veins. That woman was a prime example of who I didn’t want to turn into, but I was feeling like I was on the fast-track to skip right over life and get a tight French knot of my own. A shudder ran through me as I thought about my job. The job I needed to be happy about. I would be crazy to not understand just how fortunate I was.

  Thankful when she got off on her floor, I pressed the door close button and impatiently waited to get home. I wasn’t even sure what in particular was dampening my mood by the second, but the one thing I did know was that I was looking forward to Brandy’s linguine.

  The elevator dinged on floor eleven and the doors parted. There were only two condominiums on this floor. Ours overlooked Puget Sound and was the larger of the two. There were some perks to being my father’s daughter. Opening the door to the condo, I took in a deep breath and smelled the delicious lemony aroma in the air.

  I dropped my purse on the floor and the bag for the Jeep and followed the scent to the kitchen.

  “And here I was thinking of running away and never coming home. I don’t think I could ever do that. I’d miss your pasta night way too much,” I teased.

  Brandy stood at the stove and turned around to look at me, giving me a bewildered expression.

  “Did things turn south once I left the office?” she asked, with a spatula in hand.

  “No. I was only kidding.” I realized I’d inadvertently opened a can of worms that I really didn’t feel like getting into. “I was only thinking about how fun it will be to get my bike on Saturday.”

  “Yeah. I’m sure that was it.” She shook her head and turned back to the stove, stirring the sauce. “There’s a message from your dad over on the pad. He said he tried your cell and office.”

  “I had the music blasting in the Jeep,” I said, grinning. “I’ll call him after dinner.”

  “Well as you’re daydreaming about fleeing from your picture perfect life, I’m busy fielding calls from Shane.” She reached for the draine
r and propped it in the sink, bringing the steaming pot of pasta over to drain. “He’s still calling. And he mentioned that Wyatt was wondering how you were.”

  “I don’t know how much clearer I can be,” I said. “At least Wyatt didn’t call me on my cell phone.”

  “That’s because you’ve changed it like three times, and he doesn’t have your new one,” she chided. “Chicken. At least I still talk to my ex.”

  “Is that a good thing?” I laughed.

  She shrugged and slurped in a noodle.

  “Whatever. I’ve told him everything I had to say. I’m just not that into him.”

  “Might I add that you’re never that into anyone,” she said, now tossing the linguine and lemon sauce in a bright red bowl. The oven chimed and she snatched another potholder and grabbed the bread out of the oven.

  I raised my shoulders in an innocent plea to drop it, and yanked the bread from her, placing it on the cutting board, and began slicing away.

  “You know it’s true.”

  “It’s not like you’re with someone right now,” I reminded her.

  “Unlike you, I’m not adverse to the idea. I went out with a guy last week. We didn’t happen to click. The difference is that I’m willing to keep trying. You seem to have given up on the idea, and you’ve barely begun the search. You’re too young to give up.”

  “My. God. When you put it that way, you make it sound like it’s a talent competition.”

  “In some ways…”

  I rolled my eyes and followed her out to the patio where she already had the place settings arranged.

  “Besides,” I said, putting the bread down and touching the beautiful flowers she’d placed in the center of the table, “why would I ever want to leave this treatment?”

  “Because we don’t want to be two old maids, wondering what the hell happened to us as we push ourselves around with a walker,” she laughed as she sat down.