Curtsies & Conspiracies

by Gail Carriger

Page 8

 

  Sophronia said, “And how are you enjoying your sojourn on board our ship?”

  Lady Linette said, “Nicely played, except, of course, no vampire except Professor Braithwope floats. We are pretending that Lord Mersey is a hive-bound vampire. Let us say, instead, that you are both visiting Vauxhall Gardens of an evening. ”

  Felix’s eyes twinkled at her. “I’m finding myself quite enchanted with… gardens, at the moment. ”

  Sophronia persisted. “Have you ever visited Vauxhall before?”

  “Indeed, but I find this a whole new kind of garden experience, now that I have met you. ”

  Sophronia stepped away from the impossible boy with a glare. “Lady Linette, Lord Mersey is not speaking by the rules. Either for vampires or regular gentlemen. ”

  “Well, Miss Temminnick, you are using only standard niceties. Examine your subject and tailor your remarks to his taste. ”

  Given permission, Sophronia took in Felix Golborne, Viscount Mersey, from head to toe. “The mark is of average height and slender build. He is a man of means, but not overly interested in fashion. His hair is a little long. The mark has a slightly sullen expression denoting chronic ennui. Peculiarities include kohl about the eyes, fake gears sewn to the waistcoat, and a top hat with a brass ribbon. ” She pointed to the hat where it sat atop an articulated bronze hat rack. “In short, an average hive-bound toff with a few eccentricities. ”

  Felix looked remarkably nonplussed under this string of observations. “You wound me. ”

  Lady Linette was delighted. “Note, however, the expense of the haircut? It takes a great deal of money to acquire a look of not having spent any at all. The precise fit and cut of the waistcoat? That is next season’s color. We have here a vampire of more than considerable means. He probably has not only hive backing but his own as well. His eccentricities might lead you to direct the conversation accordingly. Kohl is sourced where?”

  Sophronia did not know; cosmetics were not her strong point.

  Preshea spoke up. “Oh, me, me!”

  “Yes, Miss Buss?”

  “Egypt, my lady. ”

  “Very good, Miss Buss. ” Lady Linette turned back to Sophronia. “What might you gather from that?”

  “He has business concerns overseas, is possibly a collector of antiquities, or thinks his eyes are so pretty they must be exaggerated, which, given the length of his eyelashes, seems a waste of kohl. ”

  Lord Dingleproops let out a guffaw. “Got you there, Felix!”

  Lady Linette finally realized Sophronia’s antics had distracted the entire class. “Ladies and gentlemen, please return to your own encounters! Sophronia, proceed with your discourse, applying our new information. ”

  Sophronia sighed and faced Felix. “My lord, are you interested in ancient Egypt?”

  “I’m interested in the fact that you noticed the length of my eyelashes. ”

  Sophronia gritted her teeth. “Does your hive have historic ties to exotic lands?”

  Felix’s intense focus on Sophronia was momentarily distracted by the mantelpiece behind her. “Speaking of exotic, your reticule seems to have moved of its own accord. ”

  Felix was not the only one to have noticed. One of Lady Linette’s cats was a full fluff ball of bristling offense, staring up at Bumbersnoot.

  Sophronia hurried over. In the guise of retrieving her shawl, she gave Bumbersnoot an impressive whispered lecture on sitting still. The mechanimal crouched down with a small steam puff of slowing gears. The cat took further offense and hid under a sofa.

  “What, for aether’s sake, is wrong with Artemisia?” asked Lady Linette, distracted by her cat’s behavior.

  Felix followed Sophronia and leaned in to whisper, “Italian design, did you say? I must see about getting my mother one. Then again, if all the best households have one, she may already be blessed. ”

  Luckily, shortly after that, they were required to switch partners. Then the class got thoroughly distracted by the spectacle of Dimity Plumleigh-Teignmott, normally a placid young lady, positively bristling at a surprised Lord Dingleproops. Their vampire-meets-maiden conversation was full of hissed undercurrents. Sophronia observed that when Dimity flashed her letter at the young man, he shook his head violently, not understanding her ire. He was either a very good actor or had no involvement in the fiasco on the squeak deck. Sophronia was relieved that she had interfered and set the airdinghy falling. But if Lord Dingleproops wasn’t involved, who was? The flywaymen? The Picklemen? How did they get hold of the stationery? And the question still remained, why Dimity?

  Sophronia tried to approach her friend after class with her concerns. “Dimity, about that letter…”

  Dimity, practically in tears, only brushed by and scuttled off as fast as she could, trailing a worried-looking Agatha and Sidheag in her wake.

  Felix, thought Sophronia as she made ready for supper that evening, is liable to be a problem. Despite all due attention to deportment, she could not help thinking of him as Felix, even while addressing him as Lord Mersey. They shared several lessons—including tea and delusions with Mademoiselle Geraldine and portion allotment, puddings, and preemptive poisonings with Sister Mattie. He would keep flirting, despite more tempting prospects like Monique and Preshea, who practically hurled themselves in his direction. I wonder if I should warn him about Preshea. She does so desperately want to murder her first husband. Sophronia had no idea why Felix was so intent upon her. She had not yet received lessons in seduction, or she might have understood the appeal of sharp confidence, a topping figure, and green eyes. All Sophronia’s intellect was directed at something other than attracting male companionship. These things combined to make her particularly appealing to gentlemen. Soap could have told her that.

  The boys were permitted to take supper with the girls, distributed among the tables. Lord Mersey, Lord Dingleproops, and Mr. Plumleigh-Teignmott sat with Sophronia’s group because they were the youngest of the gentlemen visitors. Pillover was the youngest of all, at thirteen, and was distressed at having been singled out for special treatment.

  “I’m not that good a student,” he confided in Sophronia. “This trip was supposed to be a reward for the top evil geniuses. I’ve no idea why Professor Shrimpdittle chose me. It could be because I’m the only one with a sibling on board. What is going on with you and Dimity, by the by? My sister is a raging pain but not the type to snub a friend. ”

  Sophronia winced. “Set up, I’m afraid. Some kind of test. ”

  Pillover nodded. “Ah, well, she’ll come around eventually. ”

  “I certainly hope so. It’s terribly boring without her constant gossip. ”

  “Really? I don’t miss it at all. You are an odd duck. ”

  The supper was served—broiled salmon, hashed mutton, potatoes, parsnips, and baked apple pudding. The young men had passable table manners, but conversation was stilted at best, with the young ladies either flirting or nervously silent at the prospect of using the wrong fork.

  Despite his best efforts, Felix was not sitting on Sophronia’s left. She sat isolated at the end of the table next to Preshea, who turned to speak with Lord Dingleproops. Pillover was a godsend, sitting across the way, although he would shovel mutton into his maw as if sheep were soon to be obsolete.

  “I must say,” he commented between bites, “you eat better at this school than we do. ”

  “And in greater style, I imagine. ”

  Pillover looked at the tablecloth and flower centerpiece as though he had not noticed them before, which he probably hadn’t. “Rather. ”

  “We are training to handle such things for the rest of our lives. You are training to be evil geniuses. Table settings and the like are regarded, I am sure, as beneath you. ”

  “You are disposed to see this as careless?” wondered Pillover.

  “Some things are more important than they seem. Note, for example, that by havi
ng larger flowers in taller vases, you can prevent people from conversing across the table, thus confining them to their dinner partners. Wider arrangements with cascading ferns, and you might even pass notes or objects to a dining companion without anyone the wiser. ”

  Pillover looked uninterested. Sophronia switched topics.

  “I think someone is after Dimity. ”

  “Well, despite what she claims about that silly letter, it isn’t Lord Dingleproops. I can tell you that. ” Pillover appeared to be aware of the situation.

  “Have you had any odd encounters?”

  Pillover started. “Me? Who would be after me?”

  “Well, who would be after your sister?”

  “It must be some kind of lark. Or mistake. I wouldn’t put it past the Pistons. ”

  Sophronia detailed the events on the squeak deck.

  Pillover shook his head. “Can’t be Pistons, not that. Even they don’t have access to an airdinghy. No, I think you’re right that someone else wants my sister. ”

  “But who?”

  Pillover was remarkably unconcerned. “Isn’t that your job?”

  “Have you missed the part where she’s not speaking to me?”

  Pillover had once been made to wear Sophronia’s petticoats in pursuit of information and safety. This gave him an inflated opinion of her abilities. “You’ll manage. ”

  “You’ll give it some thought, please?” Sophronia pressed. “I’m a little worried. ”

  “Well, she is my sister,” Pillover reluctantly agreed.

  The meal proceeded, and Sophronia and Pillover conversed civilly, in a manner quite in keeping with training, until the tables were cleared and the cards brought forth.

  Given their new numbers, the girls were told that round games were to be played so the entire table might participate. Monique declared that they would play loo and dealt without waiting for a consensus. Since loo was best played with seven, Sophronia, without being asked, and Pillover, who cared not one jot, sat out.

  They watched the others play for a while. Felix kept glancing up over his cards at Sophronia.

  Finally, she asked Pillover, in a low voice, “What is it with Lord Mersey?”

  Pillover’s face darkened, and he shifted in his seat as though it were uncomfortable. “Golborne’s a famously conservative family. Too much money, not enough new blood. ”

  “Ah, anti-integration?” Sophronia prodded. Some of the aristocrats had fought hard against allowing the supernatural any part of government. That had happened centuries ago, but aristocrats and vampires had long memories.

  “Worse. Picklemen. ”

  Sophronia stared at Felix. “Really?”

  Pillover, whose family was quite progressive, answered sarcastically, “Can’t have monsters taking over the government, can we? We’re food to them. You know the propaganda. Fear supernatural creatures! Forget the fact that they won us an empire. ”

  Sophronia had come around to appreciating both the werewolf Captain Niall and the vampire Professor Braithwope as much as one could appreciate teachers. Even if Captain Niall had once accidentally tried to eat her. So she considered herself mostly progressive.

  Her attention was diverted by a small, polite cough.

  “Vieve?”

  “Good evening,” said the scamp, from near her elbow.

  Pillover nodded at her. They’d met before, during the incident with the petticoats.

  “Listen, Sophronia, Soap says there’s something you might want to see tonight when we leave the moor. And I know I want to. I’ll be by with the obstructor later, so you won’t need to climb. ” She didn’t wait for Sophronia’s agreement and rabbited off.

  “Did you understand any of that?” Pillover asked, in a tone of voice that said he didn’t really care.

  “You mean to say, you didn’t?”

  “Nor was I meant to. Are you going out this evening, then?”

  “Possibly. ”

  Pillover looked down the table to where Felix was once more staring in their direction. The viscount seemed distressed by the amount of attention Sophronia was bestowing upon Pillover. Since Pillover was customarily the victim of the Piston’s pranks, he was morosely pleased to be getting under the boy’s skin.

  “You want any company?”

  “Oh, no, thank you. ”

  “I wasn’t thinking of myself. ”

  Sophronia gave him a crafty smile. “Has no one officially warned you boys about Geraldine’s alarms?”

  Pillover looked as cagey as a round boy with an obvious stash of apple fritters could. “Nope. I know from Dimity, of course. ”

  “In that case, you might mention to Lord Mersey that I’m planning a jaunt later tonight. ”

  Pillover smiled for the first time in their acquaintance. “I might do that. ”