Rachel closed her eyes and then swiftly opened them again. Every time she let her eyelids shut she could see Malik’s face as he broke her heart.
She stood and paced over to the window, looking out into the courtyard. She half expected to see Malik down there, waiting for her, but it was empty and Malik was nowhere to be seen. She wondered what he was thinking, whether he regretted their intimacy in the hammam. He was a noble man, a good man, and Rachel knew he had never set out to deceive or trick her. She could not find it in herself to blame him. He had never promised her love... It was her own naivety that was her downfall.
Now more than ever Rachel wished she had her friends to talk to. She knew Joanna would always listen with a sympathetic ear and Isabel would be indignant on her behalf, ready to storm into Malik’s rooms and demand he marry Rachel. And perhaps Grace would understand the most, she knew about heartbreak, about giving up someone you loved. She wanted their comfort and their strength and the closeness they’d shared whilst at school. Instead she was here alone, with no one to talk to, no one to make her see that life would go on, that she would get over this.
Walking away from the window, Rachel wondered how she would get over this. She loved Malik, she knew that now. She loved his stern visage and the kind heart that beat underneath. She loved how hotly he defended his kingdom and how he was willing to learn from his mistakes with his children to make him a better father. And she loved how she felt whole when he kissed her, as though he was the piece of her that had been missing all along.
The idea of leaving the palace, leaving Huria, made Rachel feel sick. She’d miss the children too much and she couldn’t bear the thought of never seeing Malik again. However, the idea of staying was just as bad, fumbling through forced conversations with Malik, always being reminded of the intimacies they’d shared and the fact that he didn’t love her in return. She didn’t want to leave, but she couldn’t stay.
The tears came flooding back to her eyes at the thought of leaving all she held dear in Huria behind. In two short months she had come to love this desert kingdom, with its entrenched traditions and arid climate. She’d come to love Aahil’s seriousness, Ameera’s quick wit and Hakim’s cuteness. The notion of having to start again, just because she was foolish enough to think she could find happiness with love, made her despair. She wanted to stay here, to go back to sharing mutual respect with Malik, but nothing else.
No, Rachel told herself, that was a lie. What she really wanted was for Malik to love her.
Knowing she needed to get her thoughts straight, Rachel sat down at the small writing desk in her room and pulled out a sheet of paper. She found it soothing to write down her thoughts, and although this was one letter that would probably never get sent, it would be cathartic to write it anyway.
Rachel let all the emotions flow from her. She wrote of her mistakes and she wrote of her heartbreak. She detailed every feeling and every option open to her, but by the end of the letter she still wasn’t sure what to do.
* * *
Rachel was thankful for the dawn light filtering in through her window. She hadn’t slept at all and felt drained and empty, but at least with the start of the new day she could get up and try and occupy her mind with something else.
Whilst getting the children up and ready for the day and starting on their lessons, Rachel felt numb. At first she kept half-hoping Malik would appear, grasp her around the waist and tell her he had made a terrible mistake. By mid-morning it was clear that wasn’t going to happen. Rachel really was going to have to decide whether to remain in Huria with the knowledge that Malik didn’t love her, with a supreme awkwardness between them, or whether to leave the children and position she loved so much. She realised how much she had still been hoping Malik might have changed his mind, that he’d realised he did love her, but he just hadn’t been able to admit it.
* * *
At lunchtime Rachel emerged from the classroom with the children in tow. Aahil and Ameera were ahead, arguing about something, but Hakim had hung back and was now holding her hand and chattering as they walked.
‘Miss Talbot.’ Malik’s deep voice startled her and Rachel spun around to see where he was.
‘Your Majesty.’
‘Daddy.’
Hakim’s hand slipped out of Rachel’s and the small boy launched himself at his father. Malik scooped Hakim up into his arms and kissed the top of his head.
‘I’ve missed you, Daddy.’
Rachel felt a lump form in her throat. Sometimes she wished life could be as straightforward as it was for a four-year-old.
‘I’ve missed you, too, little one.’
‘Are you coming to have lunch with us?’
Malik’s eyes met Rachel’s briefly over the top of Hakim’s head and she saw the momentary panic there. It made her want to cry. Summoning up all her inner strength, she smiled and nodded.
‘What a lovely idea,’ Rachel said. ‘Unfortunately I’m getting a headache so I think I’ll have a lie down before this afternoon’s lessons.’
She turned away before she could see the look of relief that would surely cross Malik’s face. Before anyone could protest she hurried across the courtyard and went up to her room, firmly closing the door behind her and then sinking down to the floor with her back pressed against the wall. Rachel tried to ignore the image of Malik’s face, the panic that had been too strong for him to hide, but it just kept popping up in her mind. They couldn’t continue like this; she couldn’t spend her life sneaking around, trying to avoid Malik.
If she stayed in Huria then she would be hurting the children. They needed a close, healthy relationship with their father more than they needed her. She was replaceable, Malik was not. If she stayed Malik would keep his distance, just like he had been the last couple of weeks. He would try to avoid her company and that would result in him not spending as much time with the children as he would do if she weren’t around. Rachel could never do anything to hurt the children, and if she stayed they would miss out on building a good relationship with their father.
The enormity of the decision she had just made came crashing down and Rachel felt her entire body sag. She really was going to leave. She would leave behind the man she loved, the children she cared for and the kingdom that had started to feel like home.
A small voice in her head called her a coward, told her to stand and fight for what she wanted, but Rachel dismissed it quickly. She wasn’t going to force Malik to love her, that wasn’t her way, she would leave him to get on with his life with his children and somehow look to rebuild hers somewhere far, far away.
* * *
Malik knew he was neglecting his children, but his mind was so preoccupied with thoughts of Rachel he couldn’t seem to focus on anything else. Aahil, Ameera and Hakim had all been delighted to see him, but they’d been content to start chattering amongst themselves when it became obvious he wasn’t going to bring much conversation.
He’d planned to take Rachel aside, to calmly and detachedly discuss last night and try and bring some closure to the situation. Instead he’d frozen. He’d seen Rachel, looked into her eyes full of hurt and he’d lost every coherent thought. Malik hated that she’d fled rather than come to lunch with him, but part of him felt relieved as well. The problem was he didn’t know what to say to her, because he didn’t know what he wanted.
Once again Malik cursed himself for giving in to his desire in the hammam. If he’d just controlled himself they would not be in this intolerable situation. Silently he shook his head—deep down he knew he was fooling himself. There had been a tension building between him and Rachel for weeks. If they had resisted one another in the hammam, it would only have been a matter of time before they found themselves alone together again and their resolutions would have faltered.
He just wished they wanted the same thing, although he wasn’t too cl
ear what it was exactly he wanted. He didn’t want Rachel as his mistress—the very idea made him feel ashamed. She was too good, and she meant too much to him for him to even contemplate asking her to dishonour herself like that. Malik had thought he never would want another wife, he still bore his emotional scars from his marriage to Aliyyah, but he had to acknowledge that the idea of Rachel as his wife was actually rather appealing. She was kind and caring and would make a good mother to his children. And the idea of taking Rachel to bed every evening was tempting all by itself. The problem lay with the issue of love. Rachel wanted love, she deserved to be loved, and Malik didn’t think he’d ever loved anyone before and he didn’t know how to start.
Malik knew Rachel wouldn’t stay in Huria as his wife if he didn’t love her, but the idea of losing her for good ripped through him like a sword slicing through flesh. He couldn’t imagine his life without her. Some days he endured the long, tedious hours of disputes and negotiations, buoyed along by the knowledge he would see Rachel’s smile at the end of the day. He didn’t want her to be anywhere other than in his arms, but Malik knew he was likely to lose her completely, that she would leave Huria for good. The only thing that would make her stay, a declaration of love from him, he couldn’t give.
He needed to do something. Malik wasn’t sure what, but he needed to be proactive, to see if he could come up with a solution that suited everyone. Dropping a kiss on each of his children’s heads, Malik left them to their lunch and strode purposefully towards Rachel’s room. He didn’t know what he was going to say, or how he was going to persuade Rachel to stay, he just knew he needed to try.
Once he was outside her door Malik hesitated, but the years of fearlessly leading Huria had taught him to approach conflict boldly, so he knocked firmly on the door. Without waiting for an answer, he turned the handle, pushed open the door and stepped inside.
Rachel’s shocked face looked up at him from the bed.
‘Don’t leave,’ Malik said.
Rachel shook her head. ‘I have to.’
Malik felt the pain slicing through his heart.
‘Stay.’
‘We will both be happier if I go.’
‘No, I won’t be happier without you.’
Rachel sat up, her eyes filled with sadness, and Malik knew that he had lost even before he had started.
‘What do you propose?’ Rachel asked. ‘That I remain here as the children’s governess and we spend our lives trying to avoid one another?’
‘It wouldn’t be like that.’
‘It would, Malik. I won’t be the reason you see less of your children. I won’t come between you.’
Despite his sadness Malik felt his heart swell at Rachel’s desire to nurture his relationship with his children. As always she was still putting them first.
He sat down on the bed next to Rachel and reached out and took her hand.
‘It’s just not meant to be,’ Rachel said sadly.
Malik sensed a resigned air about Rachel that he’d never known before. He realised what a monumental deal it was for her to have told him she loved him, to have risked her heart and then to be rejected. He wished he could reach out and make everything right, but there was something inside him, holding him back, telling him he could never give her what she needed, what she deserved. To convince her to stay would be selfish and Malik couldn’t live with himself if he was the reason her beautiful soul shrivelled and shrank each passing year because he couldn’t give her the love she needed.
‘Where will you go?’
Rachel shrugged, but Malik could see the pain behind the nonchalant gesture. He remembered both her parents were dead, and he knew she had travelled to Huria straight after leaving school.
‘I’ll find another position,’ Rachel said. ‘Maybe something in England for now.’
The idea of her being so far away was painful in so many ways.
‘The children will miss you...’ Malik paused. ‘I’ll miss you.’
Rachel turned to him with tears in her eyes. ‘You look after those children. Be a good father to them. Tell Aahil you’re proud of him, tell Ameera she’s beautiful and spend time nurturing Hakim. They need you,’ she said fiercely.
Malik nodded. He wanted to scream that they needed her, that he needed her, but instead he allowed her to gently guide him out of her room and shut the door firmly behind him. Malik felt his heart squeeze in agony as he heard the stifled sobs that came through the closed door and for a moment he could barely breathe. As he heard the unmistakeable sound of Rachel’s trunk being dragged across the floor Malik slumped against the wall and wondered if he’d got everything terribly wrong.
* * *
Malik sat in the courtyard with Hakim in his lap and Aahil and Ameera playing nearby. He’d hardly said a word to his children all afternoon and they were all subdued as a result. They seemed to sense something important was about to happen and kept glancing at him from time to time, but none of them questioned him or questioned Rachel’s absence.
Absentmindedly Malik began to stroke Hakim’s hair. He held his youngest son tight to him, relishing the comfort he got from just being close. He wondered how he had managed to mess things up so completely. He’d gone from having a superb governess for his children and someone he enjoyed spending time with to nothing in the space of a day.
Of course they’d lost governesses and tutors before, but he had hardly known them—he couldn’t even remember most of their faces now. Rachel he would never forget, her face was etched on his heart and would remain there for eternity. She was more than a governess, more than a friend.
Surely he shouldn’t be feeling such pain at the idea of her departure. He was a grown man, used to making difficult decisions and dealing with the emotional fallout of those decisions. Why, then, did the idea of never seeing Rachel again hurt more than anything he’d ever known?
A fleeting thought crossed his mind, but quickly Malik dismissed it. Of course he didn’t love Rachel, people knew if they were in love. He cared for her, deeply, but surely he wasn’t in love with her.
The mutinous part of him asked how he knew he wasn’t in love with her—it wasn’t like he’d ever loved before. Of course he loved his children, but that was different. He’d never even really seen love between a man and a woman. Apart from the destructive obsession that Aliyyah had harboured.
‘Aahil, Ameera, come here,’ Malik said, hugging Hakim closer to him in his lap. ‘I’ve got something very important to say to you.’
Three faces looked up at him with a mixture of worry and intrigue.
‘I need to apologise to you. These last couple of weeks I’ve been distant and I’ve neglected you. I got caught up in my own worries and I let you suffer because of it. I’m very sorry.’
‘What were you worrying about?’ Ameera asked suspiciously.
Malik sighed, knowing it would be best to tell his children the truth even if they weren’t really old enough to understand.
‘I was worried that I wasn’t a good enough ruler for Huria. I had some doubts about what I wanted from life and that made me question my ability to care for our wonderful kingdom.’
‘But you love Huria, Daddy,’ Hakim said.
Malik looked down into his youngest son’s face and a devastating realisation dawned on him. Even at four years old Hakim knew that his father loved his country, but he wondered if the young boy knew that Malik loved him. Malik had never uttered the words, never actually come out and told his children that he loved them. It wasn’t something anyone had ever told him as a child, but he was realising that it was all right to be more affectionate and involved than his own father had been with him.
‘I love you all very much,’ Malik said simply. ‘I don’t tell you enough, but you are the most important things in the world to me.’
For a second none of
the children moved and Malik felt a stab of panic. Would they reject him and his love, tell him it was too late?
‘I love you, Daddy,’ Hakim said from his position on Malik’s nap. Ameera flung herself at him and Malik opened his arms, gathering her in for a cuddle. Only Aahil remained standing a few feet away.
Malik looked at his son and wondered if the aloofness he had learnt from his own father had been passed on to Aahil. He wanted to see the carefree boy Rachel had coaxed to life over the past few months and, more than anything, he needed his eldest son to realise he was loved no matter what.
Ten seconds passed, then fifteen. Eventually, just as Malik was losing hope, Aahil stepped in closer and allowed Malik to squeeze him into a hug with Ameera and Hakim.
‘I love you, too, Daddy,’ Aahil said.
Malik felt the pure joy in his heart and the tears spring to his eyes. He didn’t care that it wasn’t right for a Sheikh to be seen crying, he didn’t even try to blink the moisture away.
‘I love you children so much, don’t ever forget that. And I won’t ever abandon you again.’
They stayed locked together for a few minutes until Malik felt Hakim squirming in the middle of the group. Reluctantly he released the children and watched as they returned to their games, knowing he now had the much harder job of trying to understand his feelings for Rachel. Maybe he was sad at the thought of losing her purely because he enjoyed her company.
Forcing himself to face the truth, Malik asked himself why his heart hurt so much if he thought of Rachel solely as a good friend, someone whose company he enjoyed. If Wahid declared he was leaving, Malik would feel sad, but it wouldn’t cause him physical pain. He’d wish his friend well and get on with his life. The idea of never seeing Rachel again made his heart squeeze and his breathing difficult.
Out of the corner of his eye Malik saw the door to Rachel’s room open and he felt like shouting. He needed more time, he needed to understand what he felt for her. A man couldn’t be expected to work out what love actually was under such time pressures. He wanted to go over every thought and every feeling he’d ever had for Rachel, to analyse and dissect every conversation, every kiss.
GOVERNESS TO THE SHEIKH Page 21