Judging June (Downtown)

by West, T J

  Her dark olive eyes suddenly turn from happy to sad. Maybe I shouldn’t have brought Scott up? It seems as if this is a painful subject. “He says four more months, but you never know,” she shrugs. “They’re always pushing the date back.”

  “I’m so sorry. It must be extremely difficult.”

  “Yeah, it is, but,” she puts on a brave face and smiles. “I just keep on chugging with work and spending my time with hot rock bands who keep me from going insane,” she ends on a small laugh.

  I smile and do my best to lighten the mood. “Atta girl!” We give each other one more hug before I leave.

  After three days of trying to get Faith to open her door, I had security unlock it for me. I needed to know what the hell was wrong with her. Plus I needed to come clean about my buried secret. Unfortunately I lost my confidence. There is no way I could tell her. When she confessed after having sex with Lucky on the terrace, I wanted to scream, because I knew I may be in the clear. Maybe she wouldn’t even care I slept with her boyfriend? Yet I could tell she wasn’t going to get past it that easily; she never wanted to cheat on Phillip. Yes we both did the unthinkable, but I was there to comfort her and to help her realize what she did wasn’t the end of the world; she wasn’t committed to Phillip. I wanted to lighten her guilt just to help me feel less guilty—I was a selfish bitch.

  A few weeks go by and I haven’t seen Phillip, spoken to him or thought about him. . . . . . Okay, I’m lying. I’ve been thinking about him non-stop and wish I can get him out of my head. He doesn’t want me, so why do I even want to think about him? One reason. . . . .he’s fucking hot as shit! Second, he’s great in bed. Third. . . . . . I don’t have a third—I’m just a crazy lonely fool. I haven’t dated in months because of BT2090. Starting a new business takes up so much of my time that dating has gone out the window. So imagine me getting a booty-call from a gorgeous guy who was pretty much taken by my best friend. Okay at first it wasn’t a booty-call, but turned into one—someone who actually wanted to sleep with me because he needed a good fuck just as much as I did? I said hell yes and took him like last nights dessert. It was the best sex I’ve had since . . . . . . . I cannot remember the last time. I was a crazy, lonely, drunken fool.

  I had to stop, get my mind back on track and make music my number one focus again. JINKS was playing at Reds and I texted Faith to come join me for a fun night out. We hadn’t seen one another for awhile, I’ve been avoiding her after the night she confessed to me about her and Lucky. I had to get out of my funk and make it look like I was just too busy for anyone—such a joke. Anyhow, getting Faith to hang with me was just my little plan of reuniting her and Lucky. Those two belonged together, whether Faith saw it or not; getting her to come to Reds was just the beginning. It was a brilliant plan. Not only did I get Faith to meet me, but her mother was in town. Mrs. M. was all over this plan like ants on sugar; she knew what I was thinking the moment I stepped away from the table to go talk with Peta. Plus I insisted on driving her home after the show was over. We both were beaming when we left. We knew Faith and Lucky were going to get their shit together—it was so obvious. Lucky was determined to break down Faith’s wall even if it meant pissing her off—which he did. I pissed her off too; she knew my master plan and it totally worked.

  Sometime in the middle of the night I woke up dashing to the bathroom, throwing up. I felt like shit. I checked my temperature, but no fever. I must have eaten something last night that didn’t settle right. I drank a spoonful of Pepto Bismol hoping that would settle the queasiness. . . . .nope. . . . .I threw up again. In fact it made my stomach even more upset. I tried a lemon lime soda, climbed into bed and fell back to sleep. An hour later I stormed into the bathroom throwing up the soda. After two more dry heaves I curled up in a ball and fell asleep in front of the toilet. I felt like the dead when I woke up, but thankfully I didn’t feel sick anymore. It just had to be something I ate. Unfortunately the rest of the week didn’t go much better. Every day, at random times, I ended back in front of the toilet on my knees, barfing. I couldn’t eat; everything I smelled or looked at made me sick. What the fuck was going on! By the end of the week I was convinced I was pregnant—my period was a few weeks late. There was no doubt I was pregnant with Phillip’s kid. What the hell was I going to do now?

  I’d been too preoccupied with being pregnant and work that apparently Faith and Lucky have rekindled their relationship. I knew it was going to happen; my plan worked, thank goodness! The week after JINKS’ show at Reds, Faith arranged a dinner party at the hotel for Friday night. I told her I was going to be there, but now I would have to change my plans. I could not go, being pregnant had changed everything. I really can’t believe this is happening to me, it’s a nightmare. I am so afraid! I can’t even go to my parents I’m so afraid! They are so set on me getting married first and then starting a family, they would be so disappointed in me. It would break their hearts, I don’t want to do that to them. They’re such good parents; happy, joyful, and fun. They never spanked me, or raised their voices, yet I always knew when they were disappointed in me. They didn’t have to speak in anger for me to know how upset they were. That’s what’s going to happen when I tell them about being pregnant. I don’t want to see the downcast look in their eyes, it will devastate me. I was always a daddy’s girl and never did wrong in his eyes. I was his perfect little angel. Well, now his perfect little angel has become a hot mess. Pregnant and alone.

  I almost forgot to call Faith. I fell asleep after I got home from the studio, feeling exhausted and sick to my stomach. I hadn’t thrown up since early this morning, but my body was in need of some deep sleep. While I lay in bed, watching the movie Twilight, I text Faith about not showing up for dinner. I know she counted on me being there, but I can’t go feeling like crap. Plus I look like shit. She would immediately pick up on something and would know I am not doing well. I’m not ready to tell her about being pregnant. Furthermore I’m not ready to spill the beans on who the father is.

  I had to get this over with. Telling Phillip he was going to be a father was not something I was jumping up and down for. I never wanted this to happen, but it did. A week later I asked him to meet me at the studio.

  JINKS had just left when Phillip comes storming inside the entryway of the studio. He looks irritated, flustered. I have a pile of folders in my arms and place them on the glass, oval table. I am almost hesitant to ask him what’s wrong; we haven’t spoken or seen one another since the morning I left his apartment. “Uh. . . . What’s going on out there?”

  He swipes a hand through his hair and points to the door, “Lucky. That’s what.” He grips the back of the chair from the oval table and looks down.

  I’ve had enough of this shit. When is he going to get over her? “You need to get over Faith, Phillip,” I huff.

  His head snaps up. “He’s the one that fucked everything up!”

  “Will you please stop!” I shout. “She never loved you, Phillip! Plus you fucked it up, too. . . . by sleeping with me!”

  Immediately he replies back, “Not if I hadn’t caught them fucking upstairs on the night of their party!” He slams the chair against the table and rakes his fingers through his hair again.

  I’m at complete loss. Did I hear him right? “Wait, what? You. . . . .” I put a hand to my mouth, shaking my head. “Oh my God, you knew about it? You saw them?”

  He exhales sharply. “Yes.”

  I hold a finger up, lowering my voice, “So let me get this straight. You asked me over because you said you were worried about Faith, yet you knew what had happened? You pretended with me and played me; got me drunk so you could pay her back?” Please say it’s not true!

  His whole body sinks; defeated. “I’m really sorry, June.”

  Holy shit, it is true, I am so humiliated! “You are an asshole,” I point at him. “. . . . and I am a naive fool.” I place my hand on my forehead, breathing hard.

  He moves away from the chair and walks toward me. “No,
you’re not.”

  “Like hell I’m not!” I am in rage, so pissed off I want to hit him. I look up into his eyes, seething. “I walked right inside your little trap and took the bait. You fucking played me and now I am a few weeks late!” I’m breathing hard, out of breath. There, I said it. I dumped my little information right into his lap without a moments notice. I want to cry I am so upset!

  He looks at me with confusion, caught off guard. “A few weeks late?”

  I lick my lips and look away. “My period. It’s late.”

  He pinches the inner corners of his eyes, trying to comprehend what I just revealed. “Maybe . . . . . . .”

  I cross my arms over my chest, looking down at my feet. He’s mere inches from me, yet I feel a hundred feet away from him. “There is no maybe. My period is always on time. I’m on the pill . . . but . . .” I pause. “I forgot to take it on the night of the party.” I was so stupid, forgetting to take that pill. I’ve been on the pill since I was 16 years old and have never missed a day in my life! The one time I forget. . . . the one time I didn’t pay attention to my cycle. . . . . . so stupid!

  “Condom,” shaking his head. “I didn’t wear a condom.”

  “Wow, aren’t we a pair?” I could just laugh, this has to be the most unbelievable shit! I back away from Phillip and lift my butt onto the oval table.

  He put his hands on his hips and looks at me. “Listen, maybe it’s a mistake. Did you take a test?”

  I shake my head. “Not yet.”

  “You see? You don’t even know yet.”

  I point to my chest. “I know my body, Phillip! I’ve been barfing my brains out all week!”

  He quickly traps me by placing both of his hands on each side of me; I lean back when he yells in my face, “Will you please just take a goddamned test!”

  He is angry, scared—just like I am. We both made this happen, we both made the choice of sleeping with one another; I didn’t have to go over to his place and get drunk—I wanted to. What we did was stupid and selfish. We weren’t thinking about the consequences, what could have happened—what did happen. Now we’re going to pay for it, literally.

  Phillip took me to the drugstore and bought me a pregnancy test. We drove back to my place in silence; there was nothing to talk about. Our nerves are on edge, petrified about the possibility of becoming parents. I already know I’m pregnant, but he needs proof, I guess I do too.

  After several agonizing minutes I come out of the bathroom, holding up the test. “It’s positive,” I whisper.

  He yells, “Fuck!” He turns away from me, walks out of my apartment and slams the door shut. I flinch from the loud, hollow sound of the door and instantly fall to my knees; tucking my arms around the middle of my stomach and rock back and forth—crying.

  He left me. . . . alone. He left me alone, scared and pregnant.

  I’ve been so out of touch with Faith, I feel like such a bitch about it. Her father died and I didn’t even reply to her about how sorry I was. I know she’s been in pain, and I’ve been giving her the cold shoulder. I blew up at her when she came to visit me at the studio; had I known she was going to come without giving me a heads up I might have prepared for it. I looked horrible and she noticed it; I’d lost weight, had dark circles under my eyes and my mood swings were out of control. If only I had the guts to tell her exactly what was going on with me, maybe I wouldn’t have been such a pain in the ass.

  All week Phillip has been MIA as well. He won’t return any of my messages—he’s being a complete jerk. How does he think I’m going to manage this on my own? Doesn’t he even care about what I’m going through? How scary this is for me? It hurts so much. I want someone with me when I’m not feeling good, someone who will let me cry on their shoulder, someone who will rub my back when I am in complete exhaustion from working all day. Ha! Like Phillip would really do those things for me. He’s trapped in his own self guilt about getting me pregnant, he’s not even thinking of me, the child we created. Asshole.

  The night of Faith’s opening party I didn’t say much to her; didn’t apologize for yelling at her or for being such a horrible best friend. I kept my distance by looking around for Phillip. He was totally avoiding me and was really pissing me off.

  I finally find him while Faith is making her opening speech. I stand in front of him just so he can see that I am here. I can’t concentrate on Faith and her speech, not when I feel him behind me, breathing on the back of my neck. It’s giving me the goosies and I really like it. Ugh, I shouldn’t even be feeling anything for him right now! I’m so mad, but. . . . shit there is no but! He’s an asshole and that’s that! We need to talk and he’s not going to get away from me this time. Unfortunately the moment Faith’s speech is over I turn around and he’s gone. I search all over the place for him and can’t find him anywhere. He is really testing my limits! If he doesn’t man up and talk to me there will be hell to pay.

  After a few more minutes of searching the party I find him sitting in the dining area, drinking. I stomp my way over, hands on hips. He sees me coming and stands up from the chair. I point toward his face and angrily say, “You’ve been avoiding me.”

  He stuffs his hands in his pants pockets and exhales. “Look, I’m sorry. I’ve needed time to think.”

  “Well, time is up, Phillip,” I snap at him. “We need to talk about this.”

  Our voices are raised because the music is so loud. I am almost ready to take him to another area so we can hear one another, but he doesn’t give me the chance. Instead he bluntly states, “There’s no need to talk, June. I don’t want the baby.”

  He’s got to be kidding right? He showed me no hesitation, I am shocked. “Wh. . . . huh?”

  “Maybe an abortion is the way to go.”

  I am feeling light headed, he didn’t just say that to me! “You. . . . you don’t mean that.”

  He bends down toward my ear and shouts, “Yeah, I do.”

  My mouth opens as I step away from him. I feel like I have been punched in the stomach, it hurts to hear him say those words. I don’t believe in abortion, in killing unborn babies—especially my baby! “How can you kill your unborn baby? What kind of monster are you?” I scream at him.

  “I’m not a monster, June,” he shouts back at me. He knits his brows together and adds, “I’m just not ready to be a father, and I doubt you’re ready to be a mother.”

  I gasp, “How dare you! You know nothing about me, you fucking freak!” I start walking away.

  He shouts my name, “June—“

  I whip myself around, give him the finger and yell, “Go to hell!” The tears immediately form. I run straight toward the lobby, wiping away the wetness from my cheeks. I am almost to the exit when I feel a hand on my shoulder—I jump.

  “Are you okay? What’s wrong?”

  It’s Faith, and standing behind her is Lucky. Just great! Now they’re going to want me to explain to them both why I’m crying. I don’t think I can though. “Nothing,” I choke out. “I just have to get out of here!”

  I try to leave, but Faith grabs me by the shoulders and forces me to look at her. “Why are you crying? June, tell me what’s wrong!”

  I shake my head, tears are blinding me. “I can’t!” I scream. “You’ll hate me forever!”

  She gasps, “That’s insane! I could never hate you!”

  She will. She will. “You will, I just know it!” I put the palms of my hands over my eyes, frantically crying.

  “June, stop this! Tell me what’s going on with you!”

  I have no choice, she’s not going to let me go until she gets an answer. I look her square in the eye and blurt out, “I’m pregnant! I’m fucking pregnant with Phillips kid!”

  Oh, my God, I said it. She knows the truth. Faith and Lucky now know I am a complete jerk.

  Faith blinks and stutters out of shock. “You what? How. . . . when did this happen?”

  I can’t look at either of them. I’m so afraid of what they are thinking of m
e. I look the other way and mutter, “On the night of JINKS’ party.” I hear her lightly gasp. I knew it, she hates me. I’ve ruined our friendship. She’ll never think of me in the same way—I’m going to lose my best friend over something so stupid! Something I could have prevented. When Faith doesn’t respond back I begin to cry again. “I knew it. You hate me,” I cry out. Before she gets a chance to grab me again I run out of the hotel and go home.

  My life is complete shambles. What the hell am I going to do?

  I REALLY MADE A MESS of things with June. I should never had told her to get an abortion. What kind of sick monster would say that to someone? Oh, right, me. I’m a grown ass man, I made my bed and now I need to take responsibility. Faith had every right to get angry with me and to force me out of her hotel on the night of her opening party. She was protecting her friend and was absolutely right—I’m a complete bastard, a coward for hurting June. After I left the party I went walking down to another bar and got plastered. I did everything I could to take June’s wounded eyes out of my head. How could I have done such a thing to her? She’s a great girl—woman—and I treated her like shit. I fucking asked her to kill her unborn kid! Our kid!

  I wasn’t brought up in a home with unloving parents. I was brought up in a home with two people who embraced me as their own flesh and blood; adopted at the young age of seven I thought I would never have a home, or a set of parents I could call Mom and Dad. Out of the blue I was introduced to Margo and William—my new parents—and was taken in as their son. Not once, in my entire life, have I not felt love from them. They wanted me, whether I was a baby or an older child; they chose me—ME. They just wanted a child of their own, to carry on their name. I couldn’t be more proud of that. They would be devastated if they learned about what I did to June, it made me sick. They didn’t raise me to be disrespectful toward women, they raised me with love and understanding—understanding that we all make mistakes. However, this child June and I created is certainly not a mistake and it’s definitely something my parents will embrace.