Judging June (Downtown)

by West, T J

  I cried until my chest hurt. Faith came looking for me and I quickly dried my eyes as she sat down beside me. We didn’t exchange any words, not for a long time. She just held my hand and put her head on my shoulder, there was no reason to say anything. We both felt drained and devastated. I never thought Faith and I would be in this position together, comforting one another. It felt nice to have someone by my side.

  I couldn’t leave the hospital, not until June was released. We hadn’t spoken because she was either sleeping or she didn’t want to speak with anyone. I got it—I got her. While she slept I slipped onto the bed beside her and spooned her body against mine until I fell asleep as well. Even though I was told I wasn’t allowed to stay with her, June’s parents insisted I stay. They handled the nurses on my behalf.

  Faith drove me home while June’s parents took her back to her apartment. I showered and packed a bag and headed back over to June’s. I just couldn’t stay away from her. I needed her—we needed each other. I craved the feeling of holding her, talking with her, but she was always sleeping; the doctors gave her a sedative to help with sleep and pain. Could they get rid of the pain in my heart, because it was dying of sadness.

  I am sitting in June’s livingroom with the TV on, flipping through channels, not really wanting to watch anything, but I need the distraction. Faith is on the phone with Lucky, talking quietly in the kitchen; Virginia exits June’s bedroom and sits beside me. “You need anything?” Virginia asks.

  “No, thanks.” I flip the TV off and put the remote back on the coffee table. I turn to her, “How is she?”

  “She’s asleep.”

  I nod my head and stare at her closed door. I wish there was something I could do, anything to help June—anything to help me. “What can I do for her? I feel so helpless.” I swipe a hand through my hair and exhale with a loud breath.

  “Not much any of us can do, honey. Being here for support is all what’s needed right now.” Then with a sorrowful facial expression, Virginia adds, “From experience I know that’s all I could handle.”

  Virginia suddenly takes my hand and gives it a squeeze and dabs an eye. I don’t know what to say to her, so I keep silent.

  Just then I remember I told my parents about the baby, and now. . . . how am I supposed to let them know about June losing it? It’s going to crush them. “My parents. I just told them the news a few days ago. They were so happy. Now. . . . .”

  “One thing at a time,” Virginia advises.

  Faith overhears and offers, “I can call them if you’d like?”

  I nod. “Thanks.” One less thing for me to worry about.

  The second I woke up in the hospital I knew something terrible had happened. I felt an emptiness on the inside that was indescribable. There was so much pain, a deep agony learning about losing my baby. I wanted to die it was that painful. I wouldn’t even wish this on my worst enemy; no one deserves to go through such turmoil.

  I was so drugged up I didn’t know what time or day it was, everything was a blur. I slept so much I couldn’t tell what was real or not. However I had feelings of being comforted as I cocooned myself in a fetal position. Somehow it brought me peace and I wanted to stay that way forever. Unfortunately once they decreased the medications and I was more alert, all I wanted was my mom. Having miscarried before, she knew what it felt like to have that horrible emptiness inside; a void that cannot be filled, irreplaceable. Yet I still couldn’t talk with her about it.

  After being stuck in the horrid hospital for a few days I was dying to get out and go home. I just wanted to be home.

  Oh wait, but Phillip. . . . .Oh God. . . . what he must be dealing with right now. I’m not the only one who had lost the baby, yet my body won’t let me forget. I don’t want to forget. If I start to worry about other people then I feel as if I’m betraying my baby. Sounds awfully mad, I know. I haven’t seen him since I screamed for him from the bathroom. He was the last person I saw before I blacked out. I wanted him to be the first person I woke up to, but he was no where near me. I desperately needed him. Where was he?

  I was finally discharged from the hospital; my parents drove me back home and the minute I stepped inside my apartment all I wanted to do was lay down. I didn’t even notice Phillip was there, I was so tired. I wanted to be in my fetal position again and not feel anything. My parents helped me get settled in, and although I knew Phillip was here I had yet to talk with him. Until finally I felt his arms around me, spooning my fetal position. The comfort I must have felt in the hospital had to have been Phillip, there’s no other explanation.

  Wow, I love his embrace, his smell, his. . . . everything.

  “Hey,” he whispers in my ear.

  The strong bond I am feeling with him right now makes me want to open up. I haven’t talked to my parents or Faith about the loss; I couldn’t open up to them for some reason, but with Phillip. . . . .he’s the only one that understands right now.

  My voice sounds hollow when I speak, I don’t even recognize it. “I was thinking of Heather for a girl, or Samuel for a boy.”

  “June -”

  “Now I can’t,” I sadly cut in. “Now I can’t, because the baby doesn’t exist anymore. Gone—Poof! Like it never even happened. How can that even be, just when I finally accepted it. Doesn’t seem real or possible that one minute I have a human being inside my belly and then the next minute. . . . . . it’s not there.” I choke on my last words, “It’s really not fair,” covering my face with the sheet.

  Phillip doesn’t respond to anything after that. He doesn’t need to, because I know he agrees with me. I suddenly feel tired so I drift off within Phillip’s embrace. You see? Comfort—like an old blanket or stuffed animal, he brings me contentment.

  She already had the names figured out. . . . .fuck, our unborn baby had a name! Damn, I wish I never even knew about that. It just became more real.

  I’m exhausted and in desperate need of sleep, yet my mind won’t turn off. I’m eager to fall asleep as I hold June, but I know I can’t. June’s breathing has become deep and I know she’s fallen back to sleep. I quietly untangle myself from her, hoping I won’t stir her awake, and exit the room.

  I wipe a hand down my face, closing the door behind me. “How are you doing?” Faith asks. She’s been here every day, along with Virginia looking after June. I’m a bit caught off guard with Faith’s sudden acknowledgement. I haven’t been asked by anyone about how I’m feeling. “Me?” I scoff. “I feel like a part of me has died. Literally.” I stroll into the kitchen and grab a beer. The stress of the past few days has caught up to me and I suddenly need a drink.

  She follows me into the kitchen and leans her hip against the counter, crossing her arms. “I’m so sorry, I can’t imagine what you’re going through.”

  “Yeah.” I pop my beer open and take a long slug of it. “You’re actually the first person who has asked,” I retort bitterly. I don’t really know why I’m ticked off, I mean it’s not like I haven’t had the support or anything. My parents call every day, June’s friend Peta came over and cooked for us, Faith’s mother, Helene grocery shopped so I wouldn’t have to do it. So, I can’t say no one has helped. Yet no one has bothered to ask how this whole thing has affected me.

  Faith blinks and is taken aback. “What?”

  I slam my bottle on the counter making her jump, but I don’t care. I’m all of sudden really pissed off. “No one ever gives a shit about what the father goes through just because he wasn’t the one carrying the baby. It’s almost like I had nothing to do with creating that kid!” I point to my chest, shouting, “A part of me, inside June’s body, died! And there is not a goddamned thing I could have done! It’s fucking painful, Faith! I’m hurting just as much!” I didn’t give her any time to react. I have to get out of here before I throw my beer bottle across the room. “I need get out of here.” I whip by Faith, grab my keys and storm out of the apartment. I really want to get wasted.

  The last place I should be is at
Montgomery Suites. Faith would piss herself if she knew I was getting drunk in her hotel. Fuck it. I’m doing it anyways.

  How many drinks have I had? Not counting.

  Sitting at the bar with drink in one hand, and eyes on the TV watching. . . . . . I’m so drunk my vision’s blurred, but it sounds like The Tonight Show. I don’t know.

  What the hell is that awful perfume I smell? Someone must have sprayed themselves with the whole bottle. Smells like shit. However, out of nowhere I feel a hand on my knee. “You look as if you lost your best friend? Wanna talk about it?”

  Christ, where the hell did this chick come from? Fuck, just go away. “No. I’m good,” I respond with a slur, and jerk my knee away from her hand. I ignore the nasty, smelling woman and take another drink.

  After downing the last drop of my Whiskey and wishing for another refill, the woman seductively suggests, “Well, if you change your mind?”

  “I won’t,” I quickly answer back. “Just want to be left alone.”

  The smell went away. I guess the woman did too?

  I order another drink, because that’s what I’m here for—to get wasted. I believe I’m past wasted though. I’m about to down it gone when someone else interrupts my pity party. “Mr. Caffrey, you’ve been here a few hours now, would you like me to call a cab for you?”

  She sounds sweet, but dammit, she needs to give me some space. “Does it look like I’m ready to leave?” I growl.

  She’s a persistent little thing. “You’ve had a lot to drink—“

  “Yeah, who cares?” I clip back. I get up from the stool and stumble; I grab onto its back and raise my voice at the nice woman. “Will you please leave me the hell alone!”

  “Phillip.”

  Faith. . . . dammit. “Fuckin’ perfect,” I mumble. “The witch doctor has arrived.” I should just walk away, but I can’t seem to see the ground clearly enough. The fucking room is spinning—shit.

  “I won’t take that as an insult because you’ve been drinking. . . . excessively. You’ve been through a lot and you’re hurting,” she points out.

  I keep my hands on the stool with my head down. “Yeah, I’m hurtin,’ so let me be,” I snap at her. Faith should kick me out on the street, I’m being such a dick.

  “I have a room for you, so why don’t we take a trip up there, shall we?” She suggests. She calmly places her hand on my shoulder and insist I come with her; it’s either be thrown out onto the street, get arrested or crash in a hotel suite. I take the hotel suite, and slowly get guided by Faith. Fuck, I really don’t deserve this. She’s being way too generous for my own good.

  I try my hardest to stay awake as we hoist up the many stories, in the elevator.

  I need sleep. A good long, uninterrupted sleep.

  Faith leads me over to the bed and orders me to drink the bottle of water she hands me. I comply and drink it down.

  “Are you going to be okay?”

  I crash onto the bed and put my arm over my eyes. “Don’t know.”

  “It’s going to take time, Phillip. For both of you.”

  Can we speed up time then? I’m really looking forward to the day when I don’t feel like shit anymore.

  “I need sleep,” I mumble.

  “Good idea.”

  Faith leaves and I pass out.

  I HAVE TO GET OUT of this stinkin’ apartment, I’m going cray cray! No matter how much I have appreciated, needed my parents, and my friends slaving away after me, it’s time to get back to civilization; I miss my work, my bands and their music—I crave them. I’ve stayed cooped up for too long, sleeping the days away, crying on everyone’s shoulders, and wishing this whole thing never happened. I have to move on. I believe in my heart it’s the right thing to do.I will always hurt for the loss, and will never forget I fell in love with my baby.

  The one thing I have felt most guilty about is not paying enough—actually—no attention to Phillip. I’ve barely seen him. I feel bad that I haven’t supported him enough. I hope he’s okay.

  It’s a bright, early summer morning. I’m propped up in bed thinking about my day, looking at my phone when Phillip enters the room. I hadn’t expected him to be here, but I am so glad he is. I am really happy to see him, I feel like it’s been too long since I laid eyes on him. He doesn’t look well; black circles under his eyes and loss of weight. Losing the baby really has taken a toll on him. I really need to be there for him and support him.

  He meekly smiles, not from forced effort, but obvious suffering when he comes around the bed to hand me a cup of coffee. OMG! Coffee. Wow, it smells so good! “Black, caffeinated coffee,” I exclaim. I close my eyes and take a fine whiff of the amazing aroma. How I have missed my caffeine. “Mmmm, awesome. Thank you.” The taste is even better.

  Phillip sits next to me on the edge of the bed. “You look good today,” he mentions.

  “I’ve slept for two weeks, I better look good,”I scoff, taking another sip. Then I look at him; not only does he have dark circles under his eyes, the beautiful green have lost it’s spark. He’s in terrible shape. “But you -”

  He swipes a hand through his unruly hair. “Yeah, I still look and feel like shit.”

  I’m hesitant to grab his hand, I still see pain written all over his face. I grab it anyways. “You and everyone else have been taking care of me. . . . .but have they taken care of you?”

  He furrows his brows and squeezes my hand. “I’m not the one who almost died, who . . . . . . .” He can’t get himself to say it, but I get it. He closes his eyes and lets out a breath. He’s keeping everything in, I just wish he would open up to me.

  “Right . . . but have they taken care of you? Seriously?” I urge him to tell me.

  “Faith’s been a good friend. She’s done a lot for me, so yeah, I guess you can say I’ve been taken care of.”

  We sit in silence while still holding onto each other’s hands. I know exactly how he’s feeling, yet I don’t know how to tell him how sorry I am; I know I shouldn’t blame myself, it’s not my fault, but he’s been through a lot. I feel awful.

  I look down. “I’m sorry . . . . . . about everything.”

  His voice rises, “What are you sorry about?”

  I’m taken aback by his exclamation. “I . . .”

  He quickly takes the coffee out of my hand and places it on my night stand. He scoots himself closer by my side and cups the side of my face. My eyes are widened with surprise. “June, listen to me,” he firmly begins. “Our baby was not planned and it scared the shit out of both of us, but in the end we accepted we were going to bring a life into this world.” Oh my, he’s going to make me cry. “You and I . . . we connected and we changed for the better, right? At least I know that I’ve changed.” Yes, I’ve changed too, I want to say to him, but he continues, “Look, what I’m trying to say is. . . . .what you’ve been through, what your body has gone through, is horrific. You’re not to be blamed or should not say that you’re sorry—for anything.” Yep, I’m going to cry. “You’re supposed to be taken care of, emotionally and physically, I get that, I do.” The green has intensified in his eyes. He’s so. . . . Ugh, so wonderful, and I hate how my eyes are cloudy with unshed tears. “Yeah, it’s different on my end, but I’m not the one who carried a life. I’m not the one who almost bled to death, and lost the one thing that was most precious to us. It really sucks that I couldn’t help you, and it really hurts that I won’t be a father—at least, not now anyways, but let me say this one thing. . . . we still have plenty of time to have a baby. It’s just not going to be right now, but it will happen.” He wants to have more babies. . . . with me? Me? Holy crap! “This . . . what we have right here . . . it’s not going to go away just because we lost our baby. It’s bringing us closer together and maybe . . . just maybe we can start going out on dates, like the movies, dinner, theater, whatever. It’s not the end. It’s just the beginning.”

  I can’t seem to breathe, he has me completely speechless. It’s just the beginning�
�Swoon.

  He’s waiting for me to say something, anything. Get the words out, June! “We’ll get to know each other better.”

  He smiles big. “Yes, exactly. I want that.”

  I believe him, I really do.

  My voice breaks, I’m so damn emotional, “I do too.”

  “Good.” And just like that, he kisses me. Oh sweet glory, how I have missed those lips. Unfortunately the sound of his cell phone interrupts our glory. “Shit, sorry,” he mutters in frustration.

  “No, please, answer your call, boss.” As he stands up, I take back my coffee and sigh from the heat going down my throat. It tastes so good! I watch Phillip as he’s talking. He’s so professional, it really turns me on. When he finishes and turns my way I quickly look down at my phone, pretending I’m not practically drooling over him. He comes back over to my side and looks sad. I really don’t want him upset, I know he has to leave, but I try my best to put on a cheery face. He needs to know that I’m okay with him going back to work, even though . . . even though I want him to stay and nag me. “You have to go. It’s okay. It might be good to get back into the routine of real life,” I assure him.

  “Don’t you have a doctor’s appointment?”

  Oh, crap I do! “Yeah, but my mom is going to take me. No biggy.”