Heron's Landing: The Complete Series

by Iris Morland

  She huffed out a breath. “That’s not an answer.”

  “It’s as much an answer as I can give right now. Do you want me to lie and say I want to spend the rest of my life with you? Because I don’t know if that’s the case or not.”

  His heart told him he was a liar, but he told his heart to shut up. Images of Teagan and his broken marriage were enough of a reason to keep his distance.

  “So we’re just having an affair?”

  “No!” He stood up to pace, and Kat watched him with wary eyes. “It’s not just a fling to me. And I know it isn’t for you, either.”

  “Common sense tells me that a relationship built only on sex is just that: a fling.” She crossed her arms over her breasts, and then she let out a sigh. “I keep telling myself this is a bad idea, but I can’t stay away from you. It’s like some compulsion.”

  He barked out a laugh. “I’m not sure that’s a compliment.”

  “It wasn’t supposed to be. But I’m also not going to lie and say we don’t have something more between us than sexual attraction.” When he didn’t deny it, she just nodded. “I’m scared too, Gavin,” she whispered.

  The word scared was like a thorn in his heart, and it stabbed him, over and over again. “This doesn’t have anything to do with being scared.”

  “Doesn’t it?”

  “No, it doesn’t. I’m just trying to keep you safe. Don’t you get it? I’m poison. My wife almost died and I couldn’t save her from that. How can I have another relationship without repeating the same mistake?”

  Kat covered her mouth, and he realized he hadn’t told her about Teagan overdosing. But he needed her to understand. In a ragged voice, he said, “Teagan tried to kill herself. She overdosed on painkillers, and Emma found her on the bathroom floor. We didn’t know if she’d survive the night.” All he could see now was Teagan, the ambulance, the paramedics, his daughter’s dry eyes. “She was sick for so long and I tried to get her help. I tried to get her to take her meds. Hell, I threatened divorce every time she decided she didn’t need her meds anymore. I told her I’d take Emma and run. I made ultimatum after ultimatum; I hid the pills she’d get from ten different doctors.”

  Kat got up and touched him on the arm. “You can’t blame yourself, Gavin. You can’t.”

  “Of course I can. She was my responsibility, when she got so bad she couldn’t take care of herself. But I failed her, and I failed Emma.” He gripped her forearms, because he had to make her see. “I will not be the cause of another woman’s downfall. I won’t watch as she gets sicker and sicker and everything falls apart.” He practically growled the next words, and he knew he was gripping her arms too tightly. But she didn’t even flinch. “Do you get it now, Kat?”

  Her eyes glimmered with tears, but they didn’t fall. “I get it,” she breathed. “I get that you blame yourself, because you think you have to save everyone. You can’t save everyone, Gavin.” She smiled, a smile so sad that it tore him apart. “Now you’re throwing away what could be because of that fear.”

  She finally pulled away, and he let her go. He didn’t want to let her go, but he knew without a doubt that he had to.

  “I’m sorry,” he said to her back.

  She sniffled, turning to look over her shoulder at him. “If you were really sorry, or really wanted things to be different, you would make them happen.” He flinched as she turned to face him once again. “I know what it’s like to lose people, Gavin. I’ve been alone for so much of my life that it’s almost second nature, but I also know when I’m screwing myself over for no reason. And that’s what you’re doing—to me, and to yourself.”

  “Kat…”

  “I hope you figure things out. I really do.” She kissed him on the cheek before she walked away.

  12

  K at didn’t know where she would go now. She couldn’t go back to Gavin’s apartment, could she? She drove to Lillian’s place, ignoring the boarded-up window and the police tape left behind in some spots. A police car sat parked some yards away, always on watch. At least she wouldn’t be completely alone.

  The house seemed especially lonely tonight. She flipped on a light and wandered through the house, stopping in her grandmother’s room. She found herself crawling onto the bed that was covered in a quilt Lillian had sewn some years ago when her eyesight had still been good, and Kat inhaled its scent: lavender and Bengay. She smiled. She missed her grandmother fiercely, and especially on a day like today, when she could’ve used her frank advice.

  You can’t help men from being stupid, she would say. They were born stupid. All you can do is hope they figure it out before you end up six feet under. Then she would’ve made Kat homemade macaroni and cheese with freshly baked bread and filled her up with so many carbohydrates that there was no way she could think about any guy for at least twenty-four hours.

  She rubbed a hand against the quilt, tracing the stitches. Would Lillian have liked Gavin? She wanted to believe she would have, although she probably would’ve threatened to take him over her knee for his behavior. Kat couldn’t help the laugh that burst from her when she imagined such a sight.

  The doorbell rang, and Kat’s heart pounded, thinking the worst. But when she opened the door, it wasn’t a police officer or some angry gamer at her doorstep, but Grace Danvers instead.

  “Hey there,” she said. “I was on my way to Jaime’s and wondered if you’d like to have dinner tonight? He’s cooking, so I promise it’ll be worth your while.”

  Kat narrowed her eyes. “Did Gavin send you?”

  “Not exactly. But we ran into him and he was even grumpier than usual, and I put two and two together.” Grace’s eyes softened. “Are you okay?”

  The tears that Kat had held back threatened to come, but she swallowed and forced them away. “I will be,” she murmured. “And dinner sounds great.”

  The two women arrived at Jaime’s—and now Grace’s—place only to be greeted with the sound of him yelling something in Spanish.

  Kat raised an eyebrow. “Everything okay in there?”

  “I can never understand him when he gets pissed.” Grace entered the kitchen, and Kat sat down in the living room, smiling as she listened to them talking.

  “Are you yelling at the oven?” Grace asked, amusement lacing her voice.

  “Yes, because it never fucking works.” Kat heard Jaime mutter something, and then Grace laughed.

  She popped her head around the corner to say to Kat, “Everything’s fine. Jaime’s just being a drama king.”

  “I am not a drama king!”

  “Yes, you are. Accept it. I’ve never seen anyone be as dramatic about cooking as you.”

  “I’m not dramatic. I’m passionate.”

  Their voices turned to murmurs once again, and Kat could make out a giggle and then what were probably noises signaling kissing of some sort. She sighed. She appreciated that Grace had thought to invite her so she wouldn’t be alone tonight, but she wasn’t sure she had the juice to watch a happy couple being happy.

  Kat was grateful when Jaime and Grace made a point to include her in the conversation, even when she fell silent and melancholy. She knew too many couples who would simply talk to each other if the third party wasn’t entertaining, and although Kat didn’t feel like talking much, she couldn’t fault them for trying.

  “How’s everything at the school?” Jaime served himself some stuffed peppers. Handsome and talented, Jaime was the type of guy Kat would normally go for, but ever since he’d laid eyes on Grace Danvers, he’d been in love with her, and Grace with him. Although Grace had admitted to her that Jaime had taken a while to realize he loved her, which only reminded her of another man who seemed incapable of being honest.

  Don’t think about Gavin, she told herself sternly.

  “School’s good. I’m looking forward to Thanksgiving break, though.”

  Jaime laughed. “Already?”

  “Weren’t you just talking about how you couldn’t wait for the holidays?�
�� Grace eyed him over her water glass. “I think your exact words were, ‘if I have to spend one more day with these interns…’”

  He waved a hand. “That’s different. She gets to work with cute kids. I have to work with annoying twenty-one-year-olds. They think they know everything already.”

  “Like you weren’t the same at that age,” Grace countered.

  “Weren’t we all?” Kat smiled, thinking about how she thought she’d known everything back then, too. It was hard to believe it had been six years ago—it seemed both forever ago and just yesterday.

  “Graciela here definitely was.” At her outraged gasp, Jaime laughed. “I remember a certain girl telling me that I was totally wrong about when blueberries were in season.” He looked at Kat as he continued. “Here I was, the executive chef, making all kinds of strides, and in comes this not-yet-graduated college student, looking all sweet and docile, and she pipes up and tells me I’m wrong about this one thing, to the point that she brings me three articles to prove she’s right later in the day.”

  By this point, Grace was blushing so red that her entire face was aflame. “Do you have to remind us all?”

  He smiled at his fiancée, which just earned him a scowl. “But you were so cute.”

  The rest of the evening was taken up with Grace and Jaime bantering and Kat teasing them both as much as she could, but by the time they drifted to the living room to watch TV, Kat was content with just watching those two lovebirds coo at each other. Grace curled up on Jaime’s lap like a golden kitten, and he wrapped his arms around her as they watched TV. Kat took a spot on the couch opposite, munching on leftover empanadas de leche that were so delicious, she could’ve eaten an entire bowlful. Made of fried plantains stuffed with vanilla custard, the dessert hit just the spot for Kat’s broken heart.

  When Jaime left to take a call, Grace got up to sit next to Kat.

  “Now we’re alone,” she said in a conspiratorial whisper. “His parents always talk forever, so we have some time.”

  Kat swallowed the last bite of empanada. “Time for what?”

  “Something’s happened between you and my brother.”

  She wanted to make a joke about not being interested in Adam, but her heart wasn’t in it. Sighing, she replied, “There’s not much to tell.” Nothing that she’d tell his sister, anyway.

  “You were staying at Gavin’s place during all this, but then I meet him today and he looked like he could murder anyone who looked at him sideways. Then I find you returning home even though there haven’t been any suspects found, looking so exhausted that I know something’s up.” Grace paused. “Of course, you don’t have to tell me anything, but I’m worried about you. About the both of you.”

  Those tears that Kat had held back threatened again. She took a deep breath. “If there was anything between us, it’s over now.”

  “Oh, Kat.” Grace rubbed her arm.

  “The thing is, I knew he wasn’t ready. But I pushed him anyway, and now I’m here, about to cry again over the stupid man.” Kat sniffled, wiping at her eyes underneath her glasses. “I have half a mind to run him over with a tractor.”

  “I’m sure he deserves it.” Grace made soothing noises, rather like a mother hen, and Kat let herself be taken care of for once. In a halting voice, Grace then asked, “Did he tell you anything about him and Teagan?”

  Kat nodded. “I had no idea that she tried to commit suicide. I knew she wasn’t well, but to go that far…”

  “He took it really hard, and so did Emma. I know he blames himself for everything Teagan went through, but especially for her overdosing.”

  “How can he blame himself? He did all he could.”

  Grace shrugged, her face sad. “We know that, but he’s always been the one who feels like he has to save people. Sometimes I wonder if he didn’t fall in love with Teagan because he sensed she needed saving. She wasn’t always sick, but there were signs, even when they were younger.” She sighed. “I was too young to really notice, plus Adam’s wife Carolyn was in the accident, and it all kind of merged together. Now that I think about, though, it makes a twisted kind of sense.”

  All the food Kat had just eaten now sat like a rock in her stomach. She could’ve laughed at everything Grace was saying: how was it that two people who were so similar like she and Gavin would’ve found each other? Taking on the world’s burdens while forgetting about taking care of themselves. It was a selfish kind of selflessness, Kat reflected, her head starting to pound.

  “Do you love him?”

  Kat stared at Grace. The young woman just waited, her gaze neither judging nor pitying. When Kat couldn’t find the words to respond, she knew the answer immediately: she loved him. She did. She didn’t know when it had happened, but despite everything, she’d fallen in love with Gavin.

  Grace smiled sadly, as if she could sense Kat’s inner thoughts. “I hope you fight for him, Kat,” she said quietly. “He’s been so lonely, and I’ve never seen him as happy as he has been lately. I know that’s because of you. And I bet you everything he loves you, too.”

  Kat gulped back a sob, but she couldn’t stop the tears. Not this time. Unlike the tears she’d shed at Gavin’s, these tears were silent. She sat and let the tears flow down her cheeks, dripping from her chin, and she didn’t try to stop them. Grace sat with her and let her cry, handing her a tissue here and there, murmuring words that Kat didn’t register but appreciated nonetheless.

  I love him, she kept repeating to herself, and her heart cracked for the thousandth time. I love him, and he’s too stubborn to let me.

  “For what it’s worth,” Grace said, “he’s an idiot. A giant, blithering idiot. He and Adam could form a club for stupid brothers. I’m tempted to call Joy just to have her tell you all the stupid things Adam did before he figured things out.”

  Kat sniffled, laughing a little. “It must be genetic.”

  “My dad is just as stubborn. He could give both Adam and Gavin a run for their money.” Grace rolled her eyes.

  “I don’t know what to do.” Kat hated to admit that, but it was true. The stubborn part of her wanted to get Gavin to see sense, while the scared part of her wanted to hide underground until things returned to normal.

  “Yes, you do. Or, you will. If there’s anyone who can figure this out, it’s you.” Grace smiled. “You’re way too smart not to find a way to get Gavin to take his head out of his ass.”

  The evening wound down after that, and Kat knew she needed to go home and be by herself for a while. Although Grace said she could stay with them, Kat was tired of not sleeping in her own bed.

  “I’ll be fine,” she reassured them. “The police are watching the house.”

  Grace made a face, but she didn’t argue. Jaime pressed a kiss to her temple before murmuring something in her ear.

  When Kat arrived back at the house, she could almost imagine nothing had happened in the last few weeks. She couldn’t see the boarded-up window in the darkness, and although she knew one of the police officers was nearby, she liked to imagine it was just any other car parked instead.

  Right before she got into bed, her phone sounded with a text. Everything okay? the message read, and her heart clenched when she saw that it was from Gavin.

  She was half-tempted not to respond, but then he’d just worry himself to death. She sent off a quick reply—Everything’s fine—before turning off her lamp and trying to go to sleep.

  But a few minutes later, Gavin sent her one last message: I’m sorry, Kat.

  She didn’t respond. She turned her phone on silent and closed her eyes, but all she could see was Gavin’s face and his voice saying those very words, and it was all she could think about for some hours to come.

  13

  Gavin had been in a bad mood for days. The worst part of it was that he was well aware that it was his own fault, so he walked around with a metaphorical cloud over his head, constantly raining down on him. Despite his best efforts, Emma noticed and asked him what
was wrong, but how could he tell his daughter what had happened with him and Kat? So he’d told her it was just the gloomy weather and left it at that, although his daughter was way too perceptive to take him at his word.

  The weekend before Halloween consisted of getting River’s Bend ready for its Halloween festivities. The vineyard hadn’t done much in the way of celebrating in the last few years, but with the good harvest this year, Adam had decided they should celebrate as much as possible. When Gavin entered the vineyard’s main building, the entire front room was decorated with pumpkins and gourds, bats and skeletons, and he had to wave away fake cobwebs to get to Adam’s office in the back.

  “He’s not in yet!” Kerry, the front desk woman and Adam’s assistant, called to him. “But he should be back in the next half hour.”

  Gavin grunted and sat down on one of the chairs to wait for his brother. He only wanted to pick up his paycheck; he wondered if he could just get it from Adam’s office and tell his brother later that he’d been in a hurry. Then again, after all the financial troubles River’s Bend had gone through, including one of the interns embezzling funds, taking a paycheck was probably not in Gavin’s best interests.

  The vineyard bustled with activity. Jaime was planning some extravagant Halloween menu, and they were debuting a new type of wine as well. Gavin was glad that things were turning around for the business, but he’d never wanted to be a part of the frenzy the vineyard tended to create in his family. When Gavin was a kid, Carl Danvers had considered River’s Bend his fourth child, and oftentimes neglected his own family to tend to it. While Adam had worked to take it over, Gavin had done his best to avoid having to deal with the vineyard whatsoever. He’d never wanted to be in Carl’s shadow, unlike his brother.

  “Gavin, are you looking for me?” Adam walked up to him. “Sorry if I made you wait.”

  Gavin shrugged as he got up. “I just need my paycheck.”