More Than a Marriage

by Amy Lillard

  She didn’t care, she told herself. But she felt as if with the slightest touch she would break into a million pieces that could never be put back together again. How had it come to this? Where had the love gone? The dedication? The promises and vows to work together through any problems that could arise?

  “Tess?”

  She nodded at the sound of Clara Rose’s concerned voice.

  “I guess that didn’t go as planned.”

  Tess burst into tears.

  * * *

  What happened to the sweet, mild-mannered Amish woman he had married?

  Jacob wiped the sweat from his brow and adjusted his hat a little lower on his forehead. He knew he was scowling, and there was nothing he could do about it. Seemed like he spent most of his time these days frowning about one thing or another. And the last thing he needed was Tess losing her good sense over a bunch of mangy goats.

  Okay, so they weren’t actually mangy, but he hated the creatures. They bleated all day long on the weekends and got out during the week, most always when she was off doing something with her friends.

  At least she had the time to make friends. He had barely gotten to know anyone in the church district, having only the hour or so after church every other week to cultivate those relationships.

  “Jacob?” Obie Brenneman came out of the barn, a concerned frown on his face. At least his wasn’t angry.

  “I’m sorry, Obie.” He wished he could say more, but the words seemed blocked behind the lump in his throat.

  “There’s no need for you to apologize.”

  Jacob stopped halfway to his tractor and allowed Obie to come up next to him. “I don’t know what to say. She’s not coming home.” He shook his head. “She says she’s going back to Clarita.”

  Obie shook his head. “Clara Rose and I have already talked about that. We’re going to do everything in our power to keep her here until whatever this is blows over.”

  “Danki.” It was all Jacob could manage in response. He didn’t know what bee had gotten into Tess’s bonnet. Though she had been acting strange lately, not at all like herself.

  He appreciated Obie’s help, but how would they know if things were back to normal if they didn’t know what was bothering her? He surely wasn’t going to ask.

  “I don’t want her to be a bother to you.” He and Tess had been married for going on three years, but Obie and Clara Rose had been married less than a year. And most of that had been spent getting their house ready and living with his father and brothers. He knew they needed their alone, married time and hated that something in his life was taking that away from them.

  “She’s no bother. In fact, I think having Tess around might be good for Clara Rose. She’s used to a gaggle of females surrounding her, and she doesn’t get that much here on the farm.”

  Jacob gazed out over the open land that constituted the Brenneman farm and had to tamp back his jealousy. One day . . . one day he would be able to quit work at the roofing company and farm for a living. He wanted to take seeds and dirt and with the good Lord’s help turn it into something more—tomatoes, wheat, soybeans. A living for him and Tess. But there never seemed to be enough money, or the property wasn’t available. He spent every spare moment he had scouring the county for property to farm. He wanted a goodly piece of land but was afraid that he might have to settle for something much smaller. A compromise he wasn’t willing to make just yet.

  “Why don’t you come by for supper tonight?” Obie asked.

  Jacob shook his head. “She’s not really talking to me much right now.” And he had no idea what to do about it. The elders would only let this go on for so long before they put a stop to it.

  “She surely can’t talk to you if you’re not here.”

  “Jah, I guess that’s true.”

  “I know it is.”

  Jacob nodded. “I will come, but only if I can bring food.”

  “That sounds like a fine idea.” Obie smiled.

  “Kauffman’s fried chicken okay?”

  “I do believe you just read my mind.”

  * * *

  “Don’t you think I should go out and call the driver now?” It was well past midday and Tess was beginning to think that Clara Rose didn’t want her to leave.

  “You can call him anytime.” Clara Rose waved a dismissive hand.

  “Jah, but I don’t think anyone is going to want to drive me to Clarita and then turn around and drive back here in the dark.”

  “Ach, it doesn’t get dark until way after nine. And I really need help getting these cucumbers in.” She straightened and stretched her back a little. Tess was sure it was full of kinks from bending over to search the prickly plants for cucumbers.

  “If you’re sure.”

  “I’m su—would you look at this one!” Clara Rose held up the biggest cucumber Tess had ever seen. “I’d better hide this or the men will think they can use it instead of a bat in their baseball games.”

  Tess smiled at the exaggeration, realizing that it might actually be the first time she had smiled in days, maybe even weeks. “It’s a big one all right. But it probably won’t be fittin’ to eat.”

  “I know,” Clara Rose exclaimed. “Let’s make pickle relish. I’ve got Mammi’s recipe. So good.”

  Tess eyed the cucumber. “You’re going to need more than one.”

  “I’m sure there’s another one in this mess.” She motioned toward the overgrown cucumber plants.

  Just then Tess found another huge cucumber. Her mother had always told her that very large cucumbers tended to be bitter and full of seeds, but they would be perfect for pickle relish, and Jacob lov—

  She reined in her thoughts. Jacob had come by and they had solved not even one of their problems. She wasn’t making pickle relish for him no matter how much he loved it.

  “Say you’ll stay tomorrow and help me make relish.”

  “I don’t know . . .” Tess started.

  “Please.” Clara Rose did a little dance in place.

  How could she say no? “Jah, okay.”

  “Goodie!” Clara Rose gave her a quick hug. “And you can have some to take home for you and Jacob.”

  She shook her head. “I don’t think we have a home.”

  Clara Rose’s demeanor immediately sobered. “Don’t say that.”

  “It’s true.” She wanted to ask how much of their earlier conversation her friend had overheard, but she couldn’t bring herself to rehash it all. Conversation . . . who was she trying to fool? It was an argument, plain and simple. Every time they tried to talk these days, they ended up arguing. She wasn’t sure how other couples managed to keep their relations together. What had shifted between her and Jacob? Clara Rose and Obie didn’t fight all the time. At least they hadn’t argued even once since she had been there.

  “You and Jacob will work this out.” Clara Rose sounded much more confident than Tess felt. Her relationship with Jacob was like trying to hold on to a greased eel. It was slipping through her fingers no matter how hard she tried to keep ahold of it.

  But what have you really tried?

  She pushed the nagging thought away. She wasn’t to blame if Jacob was being completely unreasonable. They had loved each other once upon a time, but she had no idea how to get it back.

  * * *

  “Are you sure this is going to work?” Jacob shifted as Obie adjusted his suspender straps.

  “No.” Obie laughed. “I barely got Clara Rose to consider me. I have no idea what I’m doing.”

  Neither did Jacob, but at least Obie had plans that seemed like they might help. Straight down to instructing Jacob to bring flowers as well as supper.

  He did as he was told, stopping by the small florist there on Main Street before hitting Kauffman’s. He had missed New Food Tuesday, the day Cora Ann Kauffman got to experiment with recipes and different foods, but that was okay. He was after fried chicken. Tess loved fried chicken. At least he thought she did. Hadn’t she told him that when
they were dating? He couldn’t remember. Too much had happened between then and now. A lot of living went into three or so years.

  Obie’s puppies whined from the corner of one horse stall, but they were tiny things. They didn’t even have their eyes open yet. A few of the bigger pups had been romping around in the hay when he had arrived, but they stood now, waiting for the chance to jump if he happened to drop any of the food. He had to admit the chicken smelled delicious.

  “Do you think she’ll like the flowers?” Jacob asked. He hated spending money on such frivolous things. He was doing his best to scrape up enough money to buy them a farm of their own. Flowers seemed like an unnecessary expense, but Obie said that was what he needed to do, so that was what he did.

  “I think she’ll love the flowers.” He dusted imaginary specks from Jacob’s shoulders. “Are you ready to go in?”

  Jacob took a deep breath. Was he? “Jah.” He had to be if he was going to fix the problems in his marriage. How had it come to this?

  “Let’s go.”

  Together he and Obie walked toward the house, the older puppies trotting alongside. His heart pounded in his chest and his palms began to sweat. He hadn’t been this nervous since he had first asked Tess if he could take her home from a singing.

  Up the porch steps and into the house, his mouth was dry, his knees quaking.

  “What are you doing here?”

  He nearly dropped the sack containing their supper as Tess spied him from the other side of the dining room. She marched toward him, her jaw tight and shoulders stiff.

  Obie nudged him in the side. “Flowers,” he whispered.

  “I, uh . . . I brought you flowers?” Now, why did he make it sound like a question? He took a step forward, extending the blossoms toward her. They quaked with the trembling of his hand.

  She eyed them as if they were a snake about to strike. Where was the trust? Where was the love? This was his wife, the one person in the world he thought he would be beside forever, and now he was having to court her all over again. The thought left a bad taste in his mouth.

  Finally, she reached out and took them, raising them to her nose to see what scent they carried. “Danki.”

  Did they smell good? He didn’t know. He hadn’t thought about that when he bought them. He hadn’t thought about anything. Did she like daisies? Why didn’t he know? And why hadn’t he noticed they were such bright colors? Were they even real colors? Or had they been altered by a clever florist?

  Obie nudged him again.

  “Oh, and supper. I brought us supper.”

  Tess lowered the flowers and gave him one last look, then she turned back to Clara Rose. “When you said you were having a guest . . .”

  Clara Rose gave a delicate shrug. “How are the two of you going to work through your problems if you’re not even together?”

  Tess seemed to think about it a moment. “I’m calling the driver in the morning.”

  So she was still planning on going back to Clarita.

  “You don’t have to.”

  Obie stood stock-still as Clara Rose bustled toward Tess.

  “I could really use your help again tomorrow,” Clara Rose said. “There are a few more cucumbers to pickle, and the tomatoes need to be gathered and canned before they blister out there in this heat.”

  Was Clara Rose dreaming up ways to keep Tess from leaving? Why hadn’t he thought of any of these things? He had been too busy working. Too busy earning a living. He didn’t have time to hold Tess’s hand every day—literally or figuratively. They had plans to see through. Couldn’t she see that?

  “I should get home,” Tess protested.

  She said the words and he started forward. Her home was with him. What there was of it for now. But soon . . .

  Obie reached out with one hand and stopped Jacob in place. This was not turning out the way he had planned. At all.

  “Let’s be reasonable here. Jacob has brought us a fine meal from town and we planned to sit down and eat it together. I can’t think of a valid reason why we shouldn’t follow through. Am I right? Then we can let tomorrow take care of itself.”

  For a moment he thought Tess might protest, then she gave a stiff nod. “Jah, okay then.” But Jacob had the feeling she would rather sit down with a table full of lions than dine with him. Why? Hadn’t they eaten supper together just a few nights ago? Maybe not. How long had it been since he had eaten a meal with his wife?

  In the mornings he grabbed a quick bite that he could eat on his tractor while he drove to the meeting place. Lunch was eaten at work, and at church he ate with the men. Still, there were plenty of times when he ate supper with Tess. But right now he couldn’t think of one.

  Clara Rose smiled encouragingly and waved him on into the room. It was then he realized that he was standing as still as the statue in front of the Wells Landing library. His legs were stiff and his knees threatened to buckle with each step he took. But somehow he managed to make it to the table and deposit the bag there.

  This was worse than courting. He had messed up with Tess, and he didn’t have a clue as to what he had done. Maybe her goats. But she had to see his reasoning eventually. They spent almost as much in food and lost wages as they made with her goat’s milk products. It was ridiculous to have them at all. And when they were gone, that was just one less stress for her to worry over.

  “Tess, you sit here.” Clara Rose directed his wife to the place just opposite him. He could reach across the table and touch her hand. Why did that seem so intimate? He had sat across from her countless times. He knew it. But for some unknown reason he couldn’t remember the last time. Maybe that was why it felt familiar and brand-new all at the same time.

  Clara Rose started unloading the sack and organizing the containers as Obie took his seat. Jacob tried not to stare as he watched Tess snap her napkin and place it in her lap. Really, she was the prettiest thing he had ever seen, dark brown hair and big brown eyes. She had on her green dress. He couldn’t say it was a favorite of his, but it made her freckles stand out all the more, and for some reason he found it utterly appealing.

  “What?” She lifted her napkin and dabbed at her chin.

  He had been staring. “Nothing.” He ducked his head and Clara Rose took her seat.

  They bowed their heads for prayer.

  He should have told her that she looked pretty. That he had forgotten just how pretty she was. But the moment was gone. If he said it now, then it would just be awkward. More awkward than it already was.

  They raised their heads and Obie started passing around the food. Fried chicken, mashed potatoes, gravy, and green beans with enough biscuits on the side for them each to have a couple.

  “So, Jacob,” Clara Rose started, “did you see Obie’s new puppies in the barn?”

  How could he not? “Of course.” But he hadn’t really been thinking about puppies. He had been trying to figure out how he was going to get through tonight and reach wherever it was that his wife had gone off to.

  But now he was thinking about Obie and the opportunities he had made for himself. Raising puppies. But that wasn’t all that he did. Like many other Amish men Obie had spread his talents about, creating a string of cottage industries in order to make ends meet. It was admirable, to say the least. Maybe when they got their property and he started to farm he could do something similar, maybe breed cats or something.

  Or goats.

  The thought came to him in a flash, but he pushed it away as soon as it arrived. Goats were not the answer.

  “How are things in the roofing business?” Obie asked.

  How were things? “Busy.” Oklahoma had suffered a rougher than usual spring. Strong winds, tornadoes, and various hailstorms had made for a heavier workload than normal. He had barely been able to keep up. The company was more concerned with getting the job done than the actual job itself. They produced quality work, but to Jacob it always felt rushed. What he wouldn’t give to be able to walk out and never look back.
He didn’t mind the work. It was working for someone else and on someone else’s terms that didn’t set well with him.

  “Busy is good, jah?” Obie asked.

  Jacob glanced up and caught Tess’s gaze. She looked so sad that for a moment he wasn’t sure he could answer at all. He swallowed his bite of chicken and the lump in his throat. “Jah.”

  * * *

  Tess couldn’t tear her gaze from Jacob’s. His eyes were filled with such sadness. How had so much sorrow gotten there and what had she been doing as it happened?

  Finally, Jacob looked away and Tess dropped her gaze to her plate. The look on his face was enough to make her stomach hurt. It surely wasn’t the food. Kauffman’s was always a fantastic meal. But tonight . . .

  The conversation turned away from work and onto other topics: who they suspected was getting married in the fall, the latest baseball game after church, and what store might go in the empty space next to the post office.

  They finished up supper and played a couple of hands of Uno, but Tess had trouble concentrating. All she could think about was Jacob.

  “I win!” Obie threw his last card on top of the discard pile and sat back with a satisfied smile.

  Jacob tossed his cards into the middle. “That’s it. Time for me to go home.”

  “So soon?” Clara Rose asked.

  It was almost nine and it was nearly dark. It would definitely be safer if he headed out now.

  “Walk with me to my tractor?” Jacob stood and waited expectantly for her answer.

  “Jah.”

  Clara Rose and Obie shared a look as Tess rose from her chair. She got the feeling this was what the two of them had been waiting for all night.

  Crickets chirped and night birds called as they stepped out onto the porch. The dusk held an expectant air and the wind was still, as if the world was holding its breath in anticipation.

  “I had a good time tonight.” Jacob loped down the steps ahead of her, then extended his arm to steady her for her descent. It was such a gallant gesture it almost brought tears to her eyes. Why hadn’t she realized it before? They had lost sight of each other. Maybe it wasn’t as tragic as she had first thought. Maybe they could recover some of what they had lost.