by Kim Golden
“It won’t be easy at first,” the older woman reminded him. “She may develop breathing problems, she may have problems with her intestines…this is why we must keep her a little longer, to make sure she is in tip-top shape before you and your wife take her home.”
He nodded as he took all of this in. He just wanted to have his family home with him.
And Nurse Gudrun, she shifted the vase in her arms and then patted his cheek. “You’ll be fine, you know. I can tell. I see how gentle you are with your daughter, how you take such good care of your wife. You’ll be fine.”
* * *
“So tomorrow you can go home, Laney,” Dr. Søndergaard said in her very precise English as she looked up from her chart. Though Mads and Laney had told her several times that Laney could understand Danish, the doctor insisted on speaking English with them.
Laney squeezed Mads’s hand. “Can Liv come home too?”
The doctor shook her head no. “Her lungs are much stronger, but we still need to monitor her gastrointestinal system before we send her home. You can come every day to visit, spend time with her. You’ll be able to hold her much longer now, but we need to see she can tolerate feeding and that her body can process it.”
“So how long…?” Mads asked.
“Perhaps two weeks. It could take longer, but a safe estimate is two weeks.”
“I just wish we could take her home now…” Laney said softly. “I want her to be near us.”
“I know you do,” Dr. Søndergaard said in a reassuring voice, “but this is what is best for her sake and yours. We couldn’t send her home if she isn’t ready yet.”
Before Laney could protest again, Mads thanked the doctor and said they understood. He gave Laney’s hand a reassuring squeeze and said, “Come, let’s go see our little girl.”
He helped her out of bed though he knew she didn’t need it. She looked so fragile now. She’d lost a little of her luster but it would return. He knew it. And whenever they walked down to the hall to the preemie nursery, the closer they came to Liv the more Laney sparkled.
Now as they arrived at the window, they watched their little girl sleep. Her tiny caramel-hued hands balled into fists, her dark hair already curly like her mother’s. The neonatal nurse on duty noticed them at the window and beckoned them inside.
“She’s breathing on her own now, so you can hold her. Go through and I’ll bring her out to you.”
They went into the lounge, which had been set up to look as close to a normal baby’s nursery as possible, with jolly pastel shades of blue, yellow and cream and comfy chairs. Laney gestured for Mads to sit in the rocking chair.
“But you should hold her first,” Mads protested.
“No, I get to hold her all the time. They bring her to me to try nursing and I get to hold her and love her. She needs to feel you first now.”
When the nurse came through, she carefully set Liv on Mads’s chest and said, “Yes, hold the back of her head ever so gently… you know, we noticed she likes it when we sing to her…”
Laney grinned. “I used to sing to her when she was still inside of me.”
“Well, she obviously heard you…”
The nurse and Laney continued talking, but Mads barely noticed. He only had eyes for his little girl.
19
HOME...AGAIN
Two weeks morphed into two months. Despite Nurse Gudrun’s and Dr. Søndergaard’s assurances that this was normal with preemies, they couldn’t bring Liv home. Not yet. Every day, they went to the hospital before they did anything else and spent time with their little girl. Though her lungs were fully developed now, Liv was having problems with periodic breathing. Sometimes she breathed normally, other times she seemed to forget to breathe… yet the nurses and even the doctor swore this was perfectly normal.
“You have to remember,” Nurse Gudrun said one morning when she brought Liv from the nursery, “she was born far too early, she was so impatient to meet her parents that she set things in motion far too soon.”
Mads had nodded in assent, but secretly he wondered if this was some sort of divine punishment. Were they being reminded that they’d not followed the rules? It was his silent fear. That somehow, because they’d followed their hearts instead of simply playing the waiting game and being rational…that somehow this was the price they had to pay. He only asked his grandmother if she felt the same, but she shook he head and pressed one of her powdery kisses to his cheek and reminded him that no one knew what God had planned. “Not even the angels know, my dear,” she said as she ruffled his hair. “One simply accepts the lot one has been given and deals with it.”
But the guilt still ate at Mads. He should have been with Laney when she went into labor instead of doing something as frivolous as buying a ring he still had not had time to give her. They’d had too many other things to think about…
* * *
Sometimes going to sleep didn’t help. He’d close his eyes and begin to drift off and suddenly an image of how he imagined it had all happened filled his mind. Laney walking slowly, her arm linked with Eddy’s as they headed to the café–and then her coming to a stop, grimacing and biting through the pain, her hand immediately clutching her distended belly and then the realization that something was very wrong…as blood trickled down her legs. That was how she’d explained it…in fits and spurts. She always told him she was not scared, but he didn’t believe her.
Tonight was no different. Laney had been restless, too restless to remain in bed and she’d wandered into the living room. He called out to her but then head her talking softly in the darkness. He found her on the sofa, phone to her ear, talking in English and saying, “I don’t know if I can ever go through that again…I’m so scared it will happen again.”
The floorboards creaked under his feet as he walked across the room. Laney gasped and then murmured, “You scared me…”
“I woke up and you were gone,” he said and then sat beside her, pulling her close. “Who are you talking to?”
“My aunt Cecily…”
“Ah…okay.” He breathed in the scent of her. She smelled like sunshine and warm days, even though it was still winter. She nestled into him and continued talking to her aunt. Now though the conversation was more generic, she didn’t confess her secret fears. He swallowed hard, not saying anything as he relished having her close again. Those weeks she’d had to spend in the hospital and taken their toll on him, leaving him uncertain of what he should do or even where he should be.
When Laney finally ended the call, she turned so she could face him and they kissed slowly, lingering over one another’s lips. The milky sweet taste of her breath, the heat of it on his lips, left him longing for her but he knew…no, it was too early, too soon. No matter how much he wanted her, they still had to go by her doctor’s plan.
“What’s wrong?” Laney held him closer before he could pull away. “I’m not made of glass, you can still hold me. You can still kiss me.”
“I want you, the way we could be…before…” he hesitated. “Shit…why the fuck do I even care when we can’t even have our little girl home with us…?”
“She’ll be home with us soon,” Laney kissed him, letting her lips linger over his. He savored the closeness even if it only made him want her more. She traced her fingertips over his cheeks and set off crackling sparks of want in him. Even as he pulled her into his lap, he knew they should stop.
“We can’t, Laney…”
“I’m okay now, Mads…”
“No…” But even as he said it, he craved her. How many weeks had it been? How many months? They’d been so focused on Liv, on when she would be well enough to come home…they’d slept next to one another without touching…Now Laney was so close, Mads’s senses ignited, reminding him of those first weeks when his longing to be close to her was insatiable. “Are you sure?”
She nodded. “I asked the midwife and Dr. Søndergaard. They said it was okay now.”
They sat there for
a while, Mads pressing Laney so close they were breathing in one another’s exhalations…Laney’s legs locked around him as she stroked his neck…his back.
“But…” What if she got pregnant again…what if she went into labor too early again…? What if he lost them both? He couldn’t stop thinking about it.
“I need to feel you inside me again,” she whispered against his lips.
“I’m scared of losing you…” he breathed it out so quickly. “We came too close now, I could I have lost you…”
“No, Mads, I was always okay…”
He shook his head. “The doctors said…”
“I lost a lot of blood, but I had the transfusion and I was fine. I’m not made of glass….I’m not going to break…I’m yours…”
“But…I heard you…”
“We’ll just…use a condom this time. We’ll be okay.”
He carried her into the bedroom, still unsure if they were doing the right thing, but he missed her, missed the intimacy, missed how she felt around him.
And they rediscovered one another, the sudden gasps, they savored one another…and inside Laney, he knew he was home again.
20
SOMETHING YOU CAN HAVE & HOLD
Mads stood to his full height and surveyed the final result. Laney was right–the pale yellow shade of wallpaper she’d picked for the room looked much warmer now that it was on the wall. And the focal wall with its dramatic black wallpaper festooned with lush botanical illustrations of magnolia blossoms made their new bedroom feel luxurious and sexy. The antique chandelier that had been languishing in his grandmother’s attic had been cleaned and rewired and now hung from the ceiling. Its teardrop shaped pendants sparkled and caught the light beautifully. And the cow skin rug with zebra print added a whimsical twist to the room.
He walked over to the open balcony doors and stood at the threshold, letting the soft spring air tickle his skin. Down in the building’s courtyard, his neighbors were busy setting up the communal garden furniture and cleaning up the flowerbeds. Laney was down there too. He’d finally made her go out after she got in the way too many times, fretting over whether the wallpaper really was the right choice. Just as he was about to call out to her, she looked up and waved to him.
“Is everything ready?” she called up to him. She shaded her eyes with her hand.
“Yeah, it looks great. Come up and see.”
Mads headed back inside. Their bed was against the focal wall, already remade with fresh new linens. The tufted armchair he’d reupholstered for Laney waited by the balcony doors. The turquoise velvet seemed to glow in the shaft of spring sunlight.
It didn’t take long for Laney’s footfalls to echo in the stairwell and then for the front door to creak open. Mads grinned. She bounded down the hall like a child who’d waited far too long for a promised present. She gasped as soon as she saw the bedroom.
“Mads, this looks amazing!” She launched onto him, wrapped her arms and legs around him. He caught her and kissed her long and hard, loving how she tasted, how she felt in his arms. “It finally feels like our proper home.”
They’d sold his old loft and bought a bigger apartment in the same building. The new apartment had three bedrooms–Laney insisted they needed a guest room in case Eddy or Jesper or even her Aunt Cecily wanted to come for a visit. And Liv needed a room too, though. It took some getting used to…remembering to go up to the second floor instead of veering off on the first floor, but Mads was slowly becoming more at home there. It helped that buying the new apartment took his mind off when Liv would come home. While Laney painted the nursery, he sanded and finished the floors or installed new lights or ripped out the old kitchen and, with Anton and Adam’s help, installed a new one. When Henrik was in town, he came by and helped as well, keeping Mads focused.
* * *
How many more days? That was what went through Mads’s mind every morning when he and Laney went to the hospital to visit Liv. Her lungs were getting stronger. She was no longer in the artificial ventilator but the doctor and midwife thought she needed to be under observation a bit longer.
“We don’t want to send her home too early,” Dr. Søndergaard reminded them. “We want her lungs to be strong and healthy when she finally goes home with you.”
That morning, when Mads left Laney in the preemie lounge and went in search of coffee for them, he was lost in thought. Just the night before, Anoushka had called him and said her husband loved the bedroom set he’d designed for Lida so much that they wanted to commission him to design a new table and chairs for their dining room.
He’d accepted the commission and was thinking just then about what sort of wood would best suit the ideas he wanted to present to Anoushka and her husband. And when Anoushka found out about Liv, she’d come by with flowers and a pashmina for Laney and a cashmere receiving blanket for the baby. Strange how the world worked, Mads mused as he passed the nurses’ station. He didn’t even notice Nurse Gudrun gesturing at him. Oak…he was thinking…or if he could find some really good pieces of teak…or ash.
“Mads Rasmussen, snap out of it! I have news for you!”
He jolted himself back to the present and looked around. Nurse Gudrun was chuckling at him and shaking her head.
“Sorry,” he grinned. “I was thinking about a commission.”
“Well, I have news that will please you and your wife!” She always insisted on calling Laney his wife, though she knew they were not married…not yet.
She came around to the other side of the station and walked with him to the elevator. “Dr. Søndergaard says your little girl can go home on Friday.”
“Are you sure? I mean…really? Finally?”
She nodded and clapped his shoulder. “Very sure. It’s noted on her charts. Friday afternoon discharge.”
“And she’s fine…?”
“Your little girl is as right as rain, Mads. So I hope you have everything ready at home.” Nurse Gudrun gave him a reassuring hug and then, as she headed back to her station, reminded him, “All she really needs is TLC from you and your wife and she’ll be fine.
* * *
When he returned with their coffee, Laney and Liv had fallen asleep together in their favorite armchair in the lounge. It was strategically placed by a window and overlooked the park behind the hospital. A canopy of green treetops against a perfectly blue sky made up their view.
He set the cups of coffee on the side table by the chair and gently extracted Liv from Laney’s arms. She’d grown so much during these three months of being in the hospital. Though she was still tiny compared to other babies, the midwife and nurses were adamant that she’d soon catch up. Her arms and legs were filling out, and her tummy was round and soft. Even her coloring had improved over the last few weeks. After weeks of her skin looking ashen, it now shone golden brown. when she was first born, her hair was nothing more than sparse wisps but now it grew in abundant, glossy curls. Sometimes Mads thought he detected tiny traces of his mother in Liv, other times she was the perfect blend of he and Laney.
He hummed to her and she let out a small sigh in her sleep. Her tiny fist pressed into his cheek.
But as held her and pressed butterfly kisses to the top of her head, all he cared about was that in just three days, she would be home with them.
They could begin their journey in life together as a family.
ABOUT THE AUTHOR
Kim Golden is a native of Philadelphia, PA. She is the author of The Melanie Chronicles, Linger: a short story, Choose Me: a novella, Snowbound and Maybe Baby. She lives and works in Stockholm, Sweden. Find out more about Kim, her writing and her latest NaNoWrimo project at kim-golden.com, or what she’s reading at kimtalksbooks.com.
If you enjoyed reading Maybe Tonight, please drop Kim a line at [email protected] or write a review on the site where you purchased it and Goodreads.
ACKNOWLEDGEMENTS
There are so many people I need to thank who helped Maybe Baby & Maybe Tonight beco
me a reality.
First of all, I’d like to thank my ever patient husband, who puts up with my general moodiness and my ramblings about plot, characterization and annoying hypothetical questions. You know you’re my muse. You always will be.
To Kim Kane, thank you for listening to me ramble about Laney, Mads and Niklas for close to a year and never getting bored with it. And thanks for letting me read the naughty bits to you in public—do you think we shocked those Swedish ladies who were eavesdropping? You are the best writing buddy a girl could have!
To the Matera Brainstormers, I don’t know what I would do without all of you. You’ve helped me so many times when I was stuck, when I was muddled. I am so glad to have you all in my life. It’s amazing what intensive brainstorming sessions fueled by Italian coffee and long lunches with lots of wine and plenty of fabulous food can bring forth.
To Sussi Lindebjerg Malek, I am so grateful for you help with the Danish phrases. Thank you for making sure Mads didn’t sound like an old-fashioned fuddy-duddy. You are a lifesaver, sweetie! Mange tak!
To the chicas of the NaNoWriMo Chick Lit group, thanks so much for cheering me on during NaNoWriMo 2012. Even when I fell behind by 15,000 words due to a bad case of the flu, you kept encouraging me to write on. Somehow, I finished a day early and the result is this novel. You are brilliant!
To Lesley, Dean, Grace & Marley at Caserma Carina, thank you for being such splendid hosts! I revised many scenes for Maybe Baby while sitting in your lovely garden and enjoying a glass or two of Verdicchio di Matelica. Looking forward to writing another book while staying at your lovely country house.