“Jesus. I’m sorry, Kerrigan. I'm not going to hurt you. Please, let me help.”
“Why, Maddox?”
“Can I come by tonight? Please?”
“Yes.” I’m shocked at my response. It just came out.
“Thank you. We’ll work this out.”
“I’m not looking to work on us, Maddox. I’m looking for security, a plan to survive Aaron.”
“That’s what I meant, Kerrigan. For now. That’s what I meant.”
Still the same cocky asshole. Not too long ago, I would’ve been excited about that. Not now. Maybe not ever.
“See you tonight.”
Maddox
I watch as Kerrigan takes off with Ari. I know Aaron is on his way to jail, but it still worries me.
I see Evan getting out of his car. Great. First, Noah and now Evan? What the hell? My guess is Evan called Noah and he could hear how pissed Noah was so he decided to come. The fact that Evan rushed over here only confirms that I'm right about his feelings for Lani.
The last thing I want to deal with is my two extremely pissed off brothers. Noah has Landon in his arms. I grab one of Molly's hands with my right, take hold of Lani's hand with my left, and proceed to cross the street. Inside, I’m laughing because I'm using these two very tiny women as my protection. Noah seems to have calmed down, but Evan, looks like a man possessed.
“Molly, what the hell were you thinking?” Noah asks calmly. I think it’s because he doesn’t want to scare Landon.
“I wanted to have lunch with my friend.”
“Dammit, Molly. You put our son in danger. Get in the car.”
“I didn’t know, Noah. You know I would never do that. I called Maddox.”
“I know, babe. But until this Aaron situation is dealt with, no more. Okay? Besides, you don’t need the added stress. None of us do.” Noah places his hand on Molly's belly and leans in to kiss her. I feel like shit realizing he was so worried about his ‘everything’ as Noah once referred to them.
“No. Next time I will ask Missy or Brayden to watch him. You can’t keep me from being there for my friend.”
“Don’t push me, Molly. Get in the damn car. My kid is inside you and you’re my wife. Don’t do this again.”
They keep arguing for a few more minutes. Typically, I’d say Molly would win. This time, Noah will. Molly finally gets in the car and they take off.
“Maddox, you’re not an idiot, but you’ve put everyone in danger,” Evan says.
“I had it under control. No one was getting to Kerrigan.”
“That’s exactly my point. No one was getting to Kerrigan. What about our nephew? Or Molly? Lani or Ari? Or yourself?”
I know he has a point. I should not have had Landon with me.
“Leave him alone. Obviously, someone has to protect her. You let him walk,” Lani says to Evan.
“Oh my God. Stay out of this. This is between me and my brother,” Evan barks at Lani.
“No. Tell me why you let him walk.”
“I didn’t let him walk. It’s how the law works. Aaron is a cop with no criminal history. If you don’t like it, fight it. Start a movement. My recommendation to the judge was for Aaron stay in jail until trial. Aaron is smart; he knows the system.”
“In the meantime, you go on like she doesn’t matter. Just another case. Oh, it’s the pro-bono thing, right? Not getting enough money? How much would it cost? How much money can I give you to keep my best friend safe?” Lani’s anger increases, but her voice softens until it’s a cry.
I take her hand and squeeze it. I know Evan doesn’t give a damn about the money. He offered to represent Kerrigan for free. But Lani is right, everyone is moving on like this didn’t happen. Not me. When Kerrigan moves on, I'll move on as well.
“You think this is about money?! That’s what you think this is about?” Evan replies.
“No. It’s what I know it’s about. I see the designer suits and the sports car. Kerrigan’s case won’t buy you a new pair of shoes,” Lani retorts and runs off.
All my life, I’ve never seen Evan look the way he looks right now. Completely devastated.
“Hey, I’m going to head over to the station,” I announce. Evan doesn't look at me. Without a word, he gets into his car.
Chapter 8
Kerrigan
When I get back to the apartment with Ari, I break down. The tears start flowing and the nerves run through me. Lunch was fine. We talked a little. No one brought up the attack, for which I was thankful. Still, sitting with friends, I noticed I do what I always do—hide who I really am. Growing up, I had to. When your mom is the town joke, you have to hide. Everyone knew my mom, and they made fun of her. She’d always be dressed up with bright red lipstick and live at the bar every night searching for her Mr. Right, while always giving it up to Mr. Wrong. My dad, even though he wasn’t in my life, gave me enough to have nice clothes. So, I lived two different lives—I was the confident girl everyone saw, and the insecure girl who was afraid to let anyone see the real me. Lani was the only person who knew everything, and now Ari does, too. Ari needs to move back home. I don’t want her in danger. I don’t want to be the cause of her not doing what a typical twenty-one year old does.
“Ari, can we talk?”
“Sure. Is this about today?”
“Kind of,” I reply. “I want to know what your plans are.”
“I don’t know. I’m figuring them out as I go along.”
“I think you should move back home. I worry about the danger you’re in while you’re here.”
“What?” she asks. “No! I’m not going back.”
“Ari, listen to me. I love you, and I appreciate all that you’ve done for me, but you had a life. You should get back to it.”
“No, I had the life mom and dad wanted me to have.”
“Well, at least it was safe.”
“Kerrigan, you listen to me. I missed almost everything with you. I had a big sister, but I didn’t know her. I wanted to call you so many times with boy or friend issues. Mom took that away from me. No, I’m not leaving.”
“We will talk about this later. Think about it, really. I want you to take your time and think about it.”
“I don’t need to, Kerrigan.”
“I’m going to go lay down,” I say. Ari isn’t listening and I don’t feel like arguing.
I walk off to the bedroom. Tomorrow can’t get here fast enough. Someone needs to tell me how to fix my life. How is it that I have never been okay with who I am? That’s what got me into this mess with Aaron. I know he is going to get out again. It’s only a matter of time. With nothing else to do, I start crying.
Maddox
I’m here at Lani’s place, feeling thankful that Kerrigan agreed to meet with me. I knock softly on the door so I don’t accidentally startle anyone. Ari answers the door, and I can tell she has been crying.
“What’s wrong?” I ask.
“Kerrigan wants me to go back home.”
It’s not a bad idea, I think to myself, but I am thankful Ari is tough and willing to stick up for her sister. Crying girls make me very uncomfortable. I pull her in for a hug because I hate seeing her like this.
“She just wants you safe, that’s all.”
“I know. Thank you.”
“Where is she?”
Ari points to the bedroom. This place is nice. Security isn’t great, but it’s better than some of the downtown Chicago apartments. It’s also on the fourth floor.
Without knocking, I walk in to Kerrigan’s room. She is sitting up with her knees to her chest and her arms wrapped around her legs. She's crying, and I want so badly to reach out and comfort her.
“Kerrigan?” I whisper to get her attention.
She looks up quickly and asks, “What are you doing in here?”
“Ari told me where you were,” I reply. “You told me to come by later.” I can tell she is trying to relax. I make no movement. I don’t want her to feel like a cornered animal.
“You can sit over there.” She points to a wooden chair in the corner. I walk over and sit down.
“What do you need from me, Kerrigan? I want to help. Tell me what I can do.”
“All I want is for all of this to be over. To feel safe. To feel like my friends are safe.”
“I’m trying. I’m sorry I couldn’t protect you.”
“This isn’t about you, Maddox. Don’t blame yourself. I stayed. God, I’m so stupid. Why did I stay, Maddox?” She starts crying. Crying Kerrigan makes me want to fight the world.
“You’re not stupid, Kerrigan, and you’re not alone. I believed he was abusing you. I just couldn’t do anything because you never complained.”
“He was a cop. Who would I complain to? Besides, you would’ve been in danger too. I couldn’t tell you.”
“I would’ve protected you. I would’ve helped you. I hate that you stayed because of me. Talk to me.”
Her eyes are searching the room. I know she is deciding to either lay it out or run.
“Please,” I whisper in encouragement.
“He was jealous of you,” she says. What? Why? I tried to respect him in the beginning.
“What do you mean ‘jealous’ of me?”
“During sex,” she clears her throat, “he’d ask me if I was thinking of you. If I didn’t answer fast enough, sex became very painful.” That sick fuck. I want to go to the station and ram a baton straight up his ass.
“I wish you would’ve talked to me.” I don’t know what else to say, and saying what I’m feeling would only scare her.
“It wasn’t your fault,” she says. “Maddox, can I ask you something?”
“Anything, Kerrigan.”
“Why?”
“Why what?” I ask.
“Was it because you’d be embarrassed to introduce a bartender to your perfect parents? Your perfect life? Why wasn’t I good enough? I’m only asking because I need to know what people really think of me.”
Hold up. I know what she is asking but I’m not following.
“Kerrigan, I don’t know what to say.”
I watch as she stands up, goes to the window, and looks out. I can hear her try to quieten her sobs. I have to do something, so I walk over to the window and place my hand on the small of her back. She flinches but doesn’t say anything.
“It’s alright, you don’t have to say anything. I mean I understand not wanting to take a bartender home to your parents. I just wanted to know, so thanks for confirming.”
Maybe she and Molly never talked about our family.
“Kerrigan...” The emotions are stuck in my throat. I try clearing it before I start again. “If I had parents, I would be proud to take you home. My actions that day had nothing to do with you and everything to do with me.”
“Where are your parents? I bet they were proud of you.”
I let out a laugh. She is so far off the mark. I realize now why Kerrigan stayed. She puts herself down without even being aware. I can hear it in her voice.
“My parents aren’t proud. My parents are evil. I can relate to you to an extent. My father was a very abusive man. My brothers and I took daily beatings, but we never said anything because we were afraid we would be put into the foster care system. We didn’t want to be separated. My mom is alive. One day, when I was two years old, my dad had taken Evan and Noah out fishing. She left me alone in a dark house and never came back. My dad blamed me.”
Kerrigan
Maddox looks at the floor after his revelation. I know this look because I wear it often. It’s one of shame. I make the connection now. Where I shut men out to keep them from seeing me, he became a nameless man to many women. Not getting close but feeling wanted. This is probably a mistake, but I need to do this. I wrap my arms around him. It’s an act of forgiveness. At first, he doesn’t return the hug, but after he realizes I’m not backing off, he engulfs me in a bear hug. I feel his arms hold me tightly. He smells intoxicating. He nuzzles his head into my neck, and I can feel his warm breath on my skin as he quietly speaks.
“I love you, Kerrigan.”
“I’m sorry, Maddox,” I say, backing away from him. “I’m not even close to being ready for a relationship.”
“Don’t be. What you just gave me is more than I’ve been given my entire life.” His lips graze my neck when he says this. It stirs something in me that I haven’t felt in a long time.
“I hope you don’t give up on me, Maddox. I’m not ready, but I want to be.”
“Never. I’ll be who you need me to be, Kerrigan, I promise. If you need a friend, a shoulder to cry on, or a lover, I’ll be it.”
“Thank you.” I don’t know why—because it’s just going to stir up the want in me—but I kiss his cheek. After I’m done, he does what he did the night of the Officers' Ball. He runs his thumb down my cheek—it's the only gentle pleasure I've ever been given.
“Good night, Kerrigan,” he says as he walks out the door.
Chapter 9
Kerrigan
Over the last couple of months, I started going to therapy sessions twice a week. They are helping, and I know I’m on a long road to recovery. I’ll never be completely healed, though. I think the biggest things that are holding me back are the looming trial, and that Aaron, once again, is out on bail.
Slowly though, I am gaining back my independence. I’m working with Molly as a receptionist at Dr. Chaney’s office. It’s nice having a job I can feel proud of. Ari and I moved in together. It’s a one-bedroom apartment, which is all we can afford right now. At first, I was worried because there is no security, but we are both happy to have a place of our own.
Maddox and I have grown closer. The biggest change between us is that we can be ourselves with each other. At first, he tried to temper his language, but not cursing was killing him. Cursing doesn’t bother me. Heck, I’ve worked in a bar most of my adult life. It was the tone and the aggression behind his words that bothered me. But I know it’s just him and he can be a bit of a hothead. In return, he accepts my insecurities, and he’s there to reassure me when I need it. I’ve noticed he isn’t dating anyone or sleeping with anyone, at least, to my knowledge. Even though I’m not ready for anything more right now, I am hopeful it can happen—one day, soon.
I’m having dinner with Molly tonight, but first, I have a meeting with Evan to go over my testimony for the upcoming trial. I hate reliving my time with Aaron, but each time that I do, I learn something new about myself, and it gets a little easier.
I’m sitting in the Monroe & Stone Law office building. It’s located in a beautiful skyscraper off Michigan Ave. The view is amazing. Every time I visit Evan, he tries to make me feel comfortable. Usually when he has clients waiting for him, he has his secretary just call them into his office. She always rolls her eyes at me, but when Evan comes out of his office, she is smiley and overly helpful. Probably because when it’s my turn, he not only comes out to get me, but he also walks over and takes my hand and leads me in. It’s weird because the Evan I know—the Evan everyone knows—is an arrogant bully, which is why I assume he is so successful.
I hear the door open and I look up to see Evan, who looks troubled. This isn’t good. When he looks at me, he smiles a reassuring smile. I can tell it’s forced, though.
“Kerrigan, come with me.”
“Is everything okay?” I ask.
“It will be. I promise.”
“Evan, am I in trouble?” I can feel him tense up.
“Would you like to go out for lunch today?” he asks.
“Sure, if you don’t keep me waiting and talk to me.”
“In the car.” He puts his arm through mine and leads me to the elevators.
When we get to his car, he opens the passenger door and helps me inside. I don’t like this. Nervous Evan is something to be feared. When he gets in the car, the questions start flowing from my mouth.
“What’s going on?”
“A couple of things. Kerrigan, I want you to
know, all of this is typical. We knew to expect accusations from Aaron.”
“Okay. What is he saying?”
“Well, he is saying you have a habit of accusing men of abuse.” Evan says through his teeth.
“What? I’ve never accused anyone of anything.”
“I know. He brought up the high school incident. His attorney knows you never pressed charges, but it will make it look like you have a history of false accusations.”
“Evan, please, you can even ask Alani. She knows I have never accused anyone. I never spoke of it. Well, I did talk to Aaron about it.”
“Alani?” he asks.
“Lani. Sorry.”
“Alani,” his eyes brighten when he says her name. It makes me wonder….
“Yes. That was the reason she got into investigating. She wanted to help victims. She got the yearbook out to show Missy the guys she remembered. She then asked Missy if she could identify any of them. Missy started shaking when she got to one picture, but she couldn’t identify him. She keeps close tabs on those men. I told her to leave it alone because one guy in particular is very dangerous.”
“Great. That’s just awesome.” His hands tighten on the steering wheel.
“What else?” I ask.
“Another woman came forward, which is good for us. She left a message with my answering service yesterday. She moved away, but she’s willing to testify if we can do it by video conference.”
This is good news, right? Then why is Evan so upset? He knows that abused women are usually the ones on trial, while the abuser looks innocent. He’s the one who has stressed this to me.
“Why are you worried, Evan?”
“Aaron’s lawyer is going to offer a plea deal for us. I’m not sure what he will be asking for yet. I just want you to know that I’ll stand by you in whatever decision. It’s not fair that women, who have been abused the way you have been, have to take the stand and be put on display as if you did something wrong. Kerrigan, you need to keep in mind, Aaron is a cop and has no criminal history. I don’t know their defense yet, but it’s possible he could walk.”
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