“What would you do if you were me?” I ask.
“I’d roll the dice. I’d get my day in court. I’d stand up to the person that hurt me the way he hurt you.” Evan smiles at me.
“Alright. We fight then.” I reply, feeling more confident than I have in a long time. I’m getting my life back.
Maddox
I’m in Kerrigan's life, and right now, that’s all I care about. She is trying to start over, but I can tell she isn’t close to feeling safe. That’s what I hate the most. I want her living with me. Although she and Ari share an apartment together, it still makes me nervous. Kerrigan is in no shape to defend herself, and Ari is naive. I’m going to ask them to start taking self-defense classes. I know that will give Kerrigan courage and open Ari’s eyes. Tonight, Kerrigan is having dinner with Molly. I feel safe knowing that she will be at Noah and Molly’s. I haven’t slept well, so I will catch up on some much needed rest.
When I arrive home, my neighbor, Donna, meets me. She is possibly the only female friend I’ve ever had. She has pretty red hair and snow-white skin. I’ve never tried to hook-up with her because she lives in my building, and I don’t need that complication. My home is my escape from life.
“Maddox, when you get inside, can you check your water pressure?” Donna asks. “This building is older and something is constantly breaking.”
“Sure,” I reply.
“Thanks!” Donna replies. She then asks, “How is the Kerrigan thing going?” I’ve talked with Donna on a few occasions trying to get a girl's perspective. Her advice is always the same—”Just be there for her.”
“Better. I’m starting to see a little of the woman I once knew.”
“Good. You give me hope that men can actually be loveable.” She laughs.
We walk into the apartment and check the water. It’s fine here. After talking for a few more minutes, Donna goes back to her place, and I go to lie down. My thoughts are with Kerrigan, just like every other night. Tonight, though, they are calm and filled with the hope that we are closer to our forever.
Kerrigan
As it got closer to dinnertime, I don’t feel like going out, and I try to cancel on Molly. Of course, she kept pushing me to come over, and now, I am here at her house. Noah is working so it makes this visit easier.
The Stone Brothers aren’t men you can completely relax around. Noah is always so serious. He always looks annoyed. He doesn’t like to be bothered by anything unless it’s family. I remember seeing him at the bar—when women would approach, he’d roll his eyes and take a drink. Maddox is cocky and gorgeous. When he looks at me, my whole body fills with nervous energy. The good kind of nerves. Evan is probably the one I’d fear the most. He is just aggressive. There isn’t another word for him. I like Evan and appreciate him for all that he is doing, but there is something so mysterious about him. I don’t want to dig any deeper because whatever he is hiding, I’m certain it would make the boogie man look like a soft, cuddly puppy. I shiver just at the thought.
Walking into their penthouse, I remember thinking how well off the brothers must have been. Seeing that they made a life after such abuse gives me hope that one day, I can do the same.
“Kerrigan, I’m in the kitchen!” Molly yells. She sounds frustrated. When I get into the kitchen, I can’t help but laugh. Molly—who is six months pregnant, but looks to be about twelve months pregnant—is trying to bend down to grab a spoon. Landon is crying in his high chair.
“What do you need me to do?” I ask, trying to hide my smile.
“Can you get the spoon? I swear these Stone babies make me feel huge.”
“Sure.” I say, while picking up the spoon. “Anything else?” I look to the stove and see the water boiling.
“Can you hold Landon? It’s almost his bedtime, but I’m trying to keep him awake. He is still waking up during the night.” I swallow the nervousness, as I’ve not held Landon yet. I’ve seen him before, of course, and he’s gotten so big. He has his daddy’s dark skin, dark eyes, and his ability to make me nervous. Landon is the cutest baby I’ve ever laid eyes on. I walk over to his high chair and I undo the latch. He reaches for me and keeps saying, “Up, Up pease.” I can’t say no, so I meet his demands.
Strong is the thought that crosses my mind as I bring him into my arms. His crying instantly stops, and he looks me in the eyes. For some reason, tears start forming in mine. I don’t want Molly to feel bad, so I take him to the living room and find some toys. I sit there playing with him, longing for something like this one day. Trying to focus on this moment, I turn my thoughts back to Landon who is banging toys together. This kid is loud. I don’t really know how to interact with kids, but he makes it easy. I just make noise and clap my hands when he does.
“Hey, the food is ready,” Molly says. She walks over to Landon, who takes off running at the sound of his mom’s voice.
“Okay,” I say, walking over to the table. She made lasagna.
Molly finally wrangles Landon and sits him back down. He seems to know that food is coming because he is tracking Molly with his eyes, I guess to make sure he gets his food.
“Sorry, it’s the one thing I know I never do wrong.” She smiles.
“I love lasagna.” I pick up my fork and start eating. I watch Landon as he shovels in food. It’s the cutest thing, but I worry he’s going to choke if he doesn’t slow down.
“It’s good.” I say.
“It was the first thing I made for Noah.”
“Ah. I feel special. You only share this with the important people,” I joke. Wait. Did I just try to find humor?
“That’s right. I hardly cook anymore. I guess you can see why.”
“Yeah. Two babies? Two boys, that’s kind of crazy. Under two years old, too.”
“I know. Next time I’ll get my birth control shot.” She smiles. That reminds me, I need to make that appointment...never mind, no, I don’t. Sex with anyone is the last thing on my mind. I want children, just not now.
“So how are things going?” she continues.
“Better. I guess.” I hate talking about this. I hate that people continue to see me as the abused woman. I know that’s what I am; I’m just tired of being her. I want my life back.
“Kerrigan, I’m sorry. It’s weird for me because I want to say the right things. I don’t want to ignore what happened to you, but I also don’t want you to feel like we can’t have a good time either.”
“I know. It’s weird. I don’t want anyone to feel that way. I just don’t know what I’m feeling. One minute I feel like I’m going to be okay, and then the next, I’m a mess. I guess we just keep talking until it becomes less weird.”
“Can I ask some questions?”
I tense up, but if things are going to get better, they have to be talked about. I can’t bury them anymore. I can’t hide who I am or what I’ve been through. I’m done hiding.
“Yes.”
“When did the abuse start?”
“It probably happened long before I was aware it was abuse. I remember the first time I got hit was after the Police Officer’s Ball, though there had been an arm grab or a small shove before that...” I feel the blood rush from my face thinking back to that night.
“WOW. I knew from the moment I met him that something was off. I had just met you, though, and wanted to be friends. I made myself forget about him. I wish you had reached out. Why didn’t you leave?” Molly asked curiously.
“I couldn’t, Molly. Doing so would have meant that I was wrong or that something was wrong with me. I wanted to help him. I know that sounds silly...even to me now, it does. But there were good times. I realize now, though, that those times were only to trap me. He knew I’d remember the sweet pillow talk and the long walks, and I did. I was hoping if he got help, he would be the man I thought I loved.”
“Are you scared still?”
“Yes. Absolutely.” I will always be afraid.
“My offer of my parents helping you is still on the tab
le, if you ever need it.”
“Thanks.” I might need it, I think to myself.
We finish the rest of the evening deep in conversation. Not about Aaron, but about life, her son. As the night goes on, I realize I’m having a good time. I’m actually laughing out loud right now as I watch pregnant Molly try to get Landon ready for bed. He is butt naked and running away from her. I can tell she is getting frustrated, but I can’t stand up to help. This is too much fun to watch. I stop laughing when I hear the elevator door open and Noah steps out. He is one good-looking man. When he looks at Molly chasing Landon, his eyes soften and a beautiful smile crosses his face.
“Oh, thank God you’re home! Your streaker son won’t lie down,” says Molly. Noah starts laughing and leans down to kiss Molly as he rubs her belly. This used to make me jealous. Right now, it gives me fuel to get better. Having this is possible.
Landon runs straight to Noah. Molly rolls her eyes because she has been fighting him for the last ten minutes. Noah walks in, and Landon turns into the sweet little boy. This must happen often.
“Kerrigan, it’s good seeing you. Hopefully, you’re having a good visit,” Noah says.
“It was a good visit, and I’ve had a good time. Landon is a hoot,” I say.
“A hoot? Oh, you wait, girl. I’m going to sit back and laugh at you when you start having your little ones,” Molly says, still annoyed. I can’t help but laugh.
“I’ll take Landon. You girls finish your visit,” Noah says, as he throws a now clothed Landon in the air.
After Molly and I talk for another half-hour, it's time for me to leave. I have a cab waiting downstairs so Molly and I say our goodbyes. When the elevator door closes, I wait to feel anxiety or something other than happiness.
But it doesn’t come. It was a good visit with Molly.
Chapter 10
Kerrigan
We found out this morning that the trial is set for nine months from now. Evan called and said Aaron’s lawyer was offering a plea deal of five years. There is no way I’d let Aaron get off that easily. I never stood up to him during our relationship until that awful night. By going to trial, it’s my way of standing up to him now.
I’ve tried to stay busy to keep my mind off of everything. Besides work, therapy and my self-defense classes are what keep me sane. Lani is on her way over to walk me to my self-defense class.
Maddox is working right now, and no doubt about it, he will come by later to check on me like he always does. It makes me feel safe knowing Maddox is doing everything he can to make sure nothing happens to me. I’m surprised at how my feelings are developing for him. Part of me feels like it’s too quick to be in a relationship, the other part of me knows it’s been Maddox all along. I think about what it will be like when we finally kiss. He still isn’t pushing me, and he remains as my constant supporter. If I am waiting on Maddox to make a move, it won’t happen. He has told me over and over that when I’m ready, I should let him know. Now it’s awkward because I’m almost ready, but I don’t want to be the first one to make the move.
I hear a knock at the door. Lani's here, so I take off toward the door and fling it open.
Oh my God! It’s Aaron! I start backing away while trying to shut the door. Aaron pushes the door with enough force that I think it comes unhinged. I’m not going down like this, not in my home—the place I’ve worked hard to feel safe.
“What are you doing here, Aaron?”
“I just came to talk. I told you that you would never be safe, you stupid bitch.”
“You don’t control me anymore! You’re nothing but a big pussy.” My mind is racing with things I’ve learned in my self-defense class.
“A big pussy, eh?”
“Yes, you heard me. NOW GET OUT!” I go to shove him out the door but he grabs my arm and pulls it behind my back. The most important thing I’ve learned in class is to try to remain calm. I think about what my first move should be. I knee him in the groin. Aaron doesn’t let go, but I can tell I got a good shot to the nuts. He shoves me onto the couch as I struggle against him. I don’t care if struggling dislocates my shoulder—I’m fighting. I scratch at his neck and pull on his ear.
“STOP! I’m calling the cops!” She yells the same words she did when she saved me from rape almost ten years ago.
Aaron lets go of me and stalks towards Lani. He gets to a mere inch from her face. I watch as he runs his gross fingers up and down her arm. He leans into her and runs his disgusting tongue up her neck. She starts hitting him.
“Leave her alone,” I growl, as I rush towards them. With one shove from Aaron, Lani hits the wall and crumples like a rag doll. As much as I want to check on her, I can’t. I grab everything in my path and start throwing it at him. I make contact a few times with various objects, but it doesn’t faze him. At least now, I have the couch between us, which is more than I had before. We circle around it for a few seconds, and then Aaron lunges at me. I jump back, and as my terrible luck would have it, I trip over a lamp cord. Dammit. I’m not hurt, so I start kicking as Aaron approaches me. I get a second good kick to his nuts, and he backs off for a second, giving me just enough time to land another kick. Only it doesn’t faze him, and he grows angrier.
Maddox
I’m just leaving work, and I head to Kerrigan’s like I usually do now. We are finally making progress. I want so badly for this whole Aaron mess to be behind us. I know it never will be, though, because it’s the horror she lived through. It’ll be something she will always remember, and as much as I hate it, it’s a part of who she is now.
When I pull up to Kerrigan’s, I get a sick feeling because Lani’s car is still here. I know Lani had to work this evening after she took Kerrigan to self-defense class. After doing a shitty parking job, I run straight toward the apartment stairs, taking two or three steps at a time.
When I finally get upstairs, I can see the door is hanging open. I approach slowly, and it’s killing me. I want to see Kerrigan so I’ll know she is safe. As soon as I get a better view, I can see Lani is lying on the floor. I get on my radio and quickly call it in, and as I continue through the door, I hear struggling coming from the bedroom.
Without thinking, I bust in. It’s not the right or the smart thing to do, but I need to see her. I find Kerrigan struggling against Aaron; her workout shorts are ripped.
Aaron Reeves is dying today. Time of death: RIGHT NOW. I go over and grab him off her. I start to place him under arrest, but I hold his hands lightly in hopes he makes a move. He does. I let him land a couple of punches to my face. I can feel blood pooling in my mouth.
Perfect, Aaron, now I can do what I’ve wanted to do for a long time. I unleash all the fury that’s been building inside of me. I land an uppercut and it throws Aaron off balance. I can tell he is dazed when I throw him to the ground. I grab him by the hair and smash his face into the ground a couple of times. I take a few deep breaths and while I know I can’t give into my murderous rage right now, I do give in just a bit and punch him a couple more times in the ribs. When I roll him over, I cuff him and leave him lying on his back. Then I hear the fucker mumble.
“This never ends,” Aaron grunts out. “Never. Even with me in jail, Kerrigan will never be safe.”
“The hell she won’t!” I get down on the floor and whisper in his ear, “It’s over, Aaron. Unless you want to be the little bitch in prison, it’s over.” When I get back up, I kick him in the nuts again for good measure. Fucking bastard.
I turn around to look at Kerrigan, who is trying to cover herself. I only saw her ripped shorts. I didn’t notice her shirt had also been ripped. I rush to her drawer to grab her a T-shirt.
“Kerrigan?” I try to get her attention before I hand her the shirt.
“It’s never going to be over! I’m dead, Maddox, I’m dead.” She doesn’t cry; it's like she is trying to find a way to accept her fate. She believes him. Shit.
“Hey...here,” I say, as I give her the shirt. I turn my back to give her p
rivacy. Why can’t I fucking keep the girl I love safe? I can’t even face her right now. Not knowing what else to do, I walk past Aaron one more time and kick him in the face. He groans, so I decide to kick him one more time to shut him up.
Kerrigan
We just left the police station where Maddox and I both gave statements. Now we are on our way to the hospital to visit Lani.
Aaron made sure I would never feel safe. It only reconfirms my decision to leave Chicago. I will make plans after I go see Lani.
“Kerrigan, I want you to know that I will look into the threats Aaron made. In the mean time, you and Ari could crash at my place.”
“Maddox, no. You aren’t going to be safe because of me. Lani is in the hospital because of me. He touched my best friend, ran his disgusting tongue up her neck. It’s my fault, Maddox. He won’t stop. I don’t know what I’m going to do, but right now I do know that no one else I love will be hurt because of me.” Oh my God—I just told him I love him. Indirectly, but still.
“Hey, I know that the people who love you would do anything for you,” he says. “Yes, that includes me.”
I want to cry and put everything out in the open but I just can’t—I’m leaving.
“Answer me one thing. Be honest...” I say, “...if the roles were reversed, and you leaving meant that everyone you knew would be safe, would you still feel the same way?”
Maddox
Kerrigan is telling me goodbye. I know it. She can’t leave. We are just starting to make progress. My future is with her.
“I’d do anything to protect the people I love. That means I’d do anything for you. I can keep you safe. Yes, I would, if that meant you were safe. You don’t need to, though. I promise to protect you, Kerrigan.” After I say that, I instantly feel stupid. She knows I’ve never kept her safe. I drove her to Aaron, and I wasn’t there for her tonight. That's why she wants to go. She has no confidence in me.
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