The Glass Admiral

by Kit Smart

  Once the needle was inserted, Kincaid taped it into place and pushed her instrument tray back against the wall. Grabbing a blanket and pillow from one of the cupboards that lined the room’s walls, she returned to the exam table. “In case you want to lay down.” She told Kosuri as she set them beside him on the table. “I am on duty this evening so if you need anything just page me.” She nodded at the chronometer on the wall behind the exam table. “I will be in to check on you at 20:20.

  “Thank you doctor.”

  “See you in an hour admiral.” With the unmilitary casualness that was so often a hallmark of military medical personnel Kincaid tucked her hands into the pockets of her lab coat and ambled out of the room.

  Saverna contemplated the admiral.

  “I’m not laying down.” Kosuri told her in a no arguments tone.

  “Okay.” She said mildly. “What do you usually do during these visits?”

  “Sit, stand, walk.”

  “Do you want to watch something?”

  “Okay.”

  Saverna retrieved the controller for the vid screen and handed it to him. “I’m guessing you’ve been here often enough to have seem most everything at this point so it makes sense for you to choose.” She said at his questioning look.

  Kosuri shrugged and scanned through the options before finally selecting, much to her surprise, a romantic comedy.

  “Not what you expected?” He asked attention firmly on the screen. He patted the exam table next to him.

  “You seldom are.” She told him as she hoisted herself onto the table next to him.

  “Dare I take that as a compliment?”

  “It is a compliment.” She shifted back and forth feeling the way the unsupported position made demands on her body. “This can’t be very comfortable for you.” Saverna kept her own eyes on the screen as she slid closer to offer him something to lean on.

  “It’s fine.” He accepted the body contact but didn’t lean. He was silent a moment and then: “LT I’ve spent a lot of time on my back in medical facilities.” A slight hesitation. “I just can’t.”

  She took that in, watched life go by on the screen in front of her. “What if we made it as ‘unmedicallike’ as possible?”

  Kosuri tilted his head at her in a look that seemed to take in the whole of the exam room. “And how exactly do you expect to do that?”

  “Oh ye of little faith.” Saverna waggled her eyebrows at him as she reached over his lap to snag the pillow and blanket that Kincaid had left for Kosuri. Scooting backwards along the table she thrust the pillow between her back and the wall and began unbuttoning the buttons of her tunic while Kosuri looked on with mounting interest. “Sorry to disappoint you stud but I’m not proposing a quickie here.” Conscious of the tension riding him, she kept her tone and face open and warm. “I am merely suggesting that you use me as a body pillow.” Reaching out with her left hand she indicated the swath of exam table between her side and the wall while with her right she touched her lower abdomen. “This way you can be on your side not your back and well, it shouldn’t feel or smell anything like medical.”

  He stared at her blankly as though he couldn’t quite take in what she was saying and she began to wonder if she’d offended him. She had half opened her mouth to apologize when he began to move and by the time she’d closed it again he was stretched out beside her with his right arm wrapped around her hips, his head on her stomach and his left leg thrown over hers.

  10

  21:20, SATURDAY, SICKBAY, THE ASARO

  “HE’S ASLEEP.” THE SOUND OF SAVERNA'S voice murmuring to someone roused Kosuri from the deep stupor he’d fallen into several minutes after laying down.

  “The IV’s finished.” Kincaid. “Do you want to wake him and take him back to quarters or let him sleep?” Alarm flowed through him at the thought of having to move followed quickly by the desire to return to the comfort of his quarters. The only thing better than laying against Saverna like this would be laying against her like this in my bed. “I’m not asleep.” He muttered.

  “Ah. Welcome back to the land of the living.” Kincaid again. “Such as it may be this deep into third watch.” Because he was reluctant to open his eyes and break the curious spell that had formed between him and Saverna in the past two hours; he sensed rather than saw Kincaid move closer to the exam table. “Admiral, if you don’t mind, I would like to remove your IV.”

  How is it, He wondered as he pushed his arm outside of the blanket his bodywoman had covered him with at some point, how is it that you know not to poke and prod and grab at me without asking? “That would be fine doctor.”

  Gentle hands that still felt wrong and made his arm ache, began to un-tape the IV from his arm. He focussed on the sensation of Saverna breathing against him on how good it felt to feel the breath and heartbeat of another being. He felt how relaxed he was, how comfortable despite a general achiness in his body that served as an ever present reminder of Aizawlhar. It was so opposite of what he should be feeling after the day he’d had that he was inclined to avoid thinking about it too deeply. It should be worse.

  An image of Saverna running her hands along his face as they stood under the rushing water of the shower flashed through his mind and he pushed it aside. He wasn’t inclined to think about that either at least not under his current circumstances. No sense in poisoning the memory with this place.

  “All finished.” Kincaid pronounced as she smoothed a small bandage over the small wound on his arm caused by the IV and stepped away from the exam table. “Enjoy your evening.” She called as she left the room.

  “Time to get up?” He felt as much as heard Saverna ask.

  “Yeah.” He agreed and forced himself to begin the difficult process of separating himself from her and pushing himself to his feet. As soon as he was on his feet loneliness settled on him. The feeling increased as he fitted his forearm crutches to his arms. With the crutches fitted he was unable to reach for her or touch her. He found suddenly that he had to force himself to meet her gaze; without contact, he was afraid of what he might find there.

  For all that they had been naked together in a shower not three hours ago he found himself straightening self-consciously when he did finally meet her gaze only to find her studying him with a pragmatism that was unflattering. I suppose it would be a stretch for anyone to look at a rumpled, worse for wear, half recessive wreck of an admiral this late at night and want to jump his bones. He consoled himself. Though I wouldn’t have laid odds on me covered in blood in a shower either. “Shall we?” He nodded at the door only to be stunned when Saverna stepped forward and reaching up to wrap her right hand around his neck, pressed a kiss to his lips. “Yes.”

  He thought of that kiss as they walked along the dimmed corridors back to their quarters; wondered what it meant; relived the sensation of her warm palm on the back of his neck and the softness of her lips as they brushed against his. It was different than the kisses she’d given him in the shower. It was not, he sensed, meant to be sexual, and yet he felt a heaviness in his groin that made him wonder if there was something wrong with him. Of course there is something wrong with you, you’re a grown ass man—a grown ass fleet admiral with almost no sexual or relationship experience.

  He sucked in a breath at the shame that washed over him at the thought and vowed to stay away from Saverna. Maybe it is time for a new bat. He caught himself using her word and abruptly anger exploded through him. He’d finally found someone who was… easy with him and the thought of having to give that up because of a lack of experience that was not strictly his fault rankled. “I’m not good at this.” The words flew out of his mouth before he had had time to consider them and he winced when he heard how curt he sounded.

  Saverna cast him a sideways look. “At what?”

  She would ask that. “Sex, kissing, relationships.” He said baldly. Still curt.

  Another sideways look. “You seem to be doing pretty well.”

  He wanted to cur
se. “I don’t know what that kiss meant.” It’s just chemicals. He told himself as his nerves thrummed and twisted and howled that he had no skin left on his body. “I don’t know what to do.”

  21:40, SATURDAY, ADMIRAL’S QUARTER’S. THE ASARO

  Saverna felt her heartbeat increase as she palmed the lock beside the door to Kosuri’s quarters. “What do you want to do?” She asked gesturing for him to precede her through the door.

  “I have no fucking idea.” He growled as he moved past her. Frustration. She heard it in his voice and saw it in the bulge pressing against the front of his trousers. Stepping through the door she turned to palm it shut and set the lock. When she turned back she saw that he hadn’t moved.

  “You look tired.” He looked more than tired. He looked lost. As though he didn't know whether he was coming or going. She thought briefly of just reaching forward, pulling him against her unfastening his pants and laying him out on the floor. Her body, remembering the sensation of him inside her as the water from the shower rained down upon them; warmed. It would be wrong she told herself. He's hardly eaten all day. Hasn't rested. Must be in pain.

  He looked irritated. "I don't want to sleep."

  "What do you want?" She asked again.

  "I want –" he seems to be searching for words. "I want to know, I want you to tell me what that kiss meant." He shrugged rather violently. "I want to lay down with you." He rocked back on his heels slightly. "I don't fucking know."

  She regarded him thoughtfully. Tried to figure him out. Came up with nothing. "Do you want to have sex?" She rather hoped he did. Despite knowing that he needed to rest more than anything, she hoped he wanted to sex. She just couldn't get the feel him against her out of her mind. The feel of him being, strong, steady under her as she moved. The feel of him on top of her, lying against her warm and solid as he slept in sick bay. She felt herself getting wet.

  “Do you?" He turned the question around on her.

  "Yes." There was something in his face that made her want to tell the truth. The amazed look he gave her made her glad she had not lied. “But I don't think it's such a good idea right now." She added as duty kicked her in the groin. "It's been a long day."

  "Are you tired?" He asked with clenched jaw. He didn't want the accommodation she realized. You never want accommodation. You're headed for an early grave with an attitude like that.

  "Admiral,” she began only to stop when he flinched. Oh. “Kos." She corrected herself. "You need to rest. Later, we can —"

  He laughed a bitter laugh. "You don't have to lie. If you're not interested just say so."

  The accusation stunned her. She stared at him. Tried to see behind the mask. What are you thinking? “I’m interested.” She told him, watched as he swallowed hard in reaction to that. “I’m just worried about hurting you.”

  His hands clenched around his crutches. “You won’t hurt me.” He told her.

  Liar.

  “Much.” He gritted around a clenched jaw after catching her look.

  “I don’t want to hurt you—” She hesitated briefly when he suddenly looked furious. “Especially not now when you’re bottoming out.”

  “That’s an evasion.” His face took on that flattened look of someone holding back heavy emotion.

  “It isn’t.” She protested. “I couldn’t enjoy it knowing I was hurting you. It’s not fair—”

  “Fair?” He said almost to himself. “What’s fair about not letting me decide what’s a reasonable amount of pain for myself?”

  “There is no reasonable amount of pain in sex.”

  “I am always in pain Lieutenant!” He shout-whispered at her. “Does that mean I am forever to be denied the right to feel anything in addition to that? How is that reasonable?"

  The air between them vibrated with savagely suppressed emotion and Saverna knew she was seeing the Kosuri she sometimes caught glimpses of at the end of a long day or during a particularly bad one. This was the man behind the mask—the man who’d been in pain for twelve years and alone with it, the man edging closer and closer to the end of his rope. Is this what they’re afraid of? She wondered. Is this why he’s not entirely trusted? I wonder how they would do in his position? “It’s not.” She told him.

  He stared at her. By the uncertainty on his face she knew he wasn’t sure how to take that. “So…”

  “So,” She repeated and the word gave her confidence that she wasn’t ass over teakettle or anything equally undignified about this. “Sex yes. But not like before—in the shower.” She added in case it had slipped his mind. “I don’t mean not in the shower.” She hastened to add when it looked like he was going to protest. “I mean, you’re—we’re going to communicate. You’re going to show and tell me what feels good and what hurts; what you like and how you like it done; and what helps alleviate any pain or discomfort. There will be no more uncommunicative, grin-and-bear it sex.” She raised a brow at him challenging him to protest.

  Kosuri said nothing; leaned forward on his crutches stretching his back out in the way he did when they were alone. Comfortable enough to draw attention to his body. Why is this different? She wondered suddenly because she could see that to him it was.

  “Kos—”

  “This is different.” He told the carpet in front of her having apparently heard her silent question. “This isn’t medical, it’s private/personal—intimate.” Saverna watched his chest expand as he sucked in a deep breath. “It’s also difficult.” He looked up at her and she couldn’t remember ever having seen such a serious look on a man’s face before. “Because I’ve never really—” He grimaced. “I wasn’t lying when I said I’m not…experienced. I don’t really know what feels good or…”

  “We’ll figure it out.”

  She moved forward, laid her hands on either side of his face and kissed him. Her lips gentle but not tentative on his and Kos felt the same easing inside that he felt earlier in the shower and again in sickbay only this time it was explosive and he yanked his hands free of the crutches so that he could wrap his arms around her and pull her closer. The action overbalanced him and he lurched forward as he took a step to stop himself from falling only she was there first solid and easy and she never stopped kissing him as he used the steadiness she provided to reposition himself. It reminded him that this woman had never let him fall; had never been judgmental or critical of his body and some of the trepidation that had been twisting through him vanished. How do you do that LT?

  He pushed his hands through her hair marveling at its silkiness and lingers at the nape of her neck massaging when she groaned in pleasure at the contact. Got you. He thought, pleased with himself for discovering the sweet spot. Suddenly he felt her hands on his back and his cock, already hard, began to throb against her belly as she caressed and gently kneaded the muscles along his spine; but the sensation was secondary to the sensation of bone deep security flowing through him as they stood there against each other. He didn’t even mind when she pulled back from the kiss and smiled at him from beneath hooded eyes. “How are you feeling?” She asked as though it were the most natural thing in the universe her tone; an easy purr took any residual sting out of it.

  “Good.” He replied automatically and was startled into laughter when she crossed her eyes at him and leaning forward nipped him lightly on the lips. “I mean, do you want to change position? Sit or lay down?”

  The room around him seemed to tilt at the question and he stared into her face as he tried to get ahold of her question. It was such an innocuous question—one she asked him several times over the course of a day that he couldn’t quite make sense of what she was asking him in their current context. “Alone?” He asked finally dreading the answer. Don’t say alone.

  “With me.” She clarified tilting her head back slightly to look at him. “Unless you want to—”

  “No.” He interrupted quickly as relief flowed through him and the room righted itself. Not a rejection.

  That earned him another nip
and then a soft tugging kiss on his lower lip that left him tingling. “Shall we?” She tilted her head in the direction of his room and a shiver ran through him at the thought of having her in his bed. As a lover. He amended to himself wryly thinking of the night she’d sat on the end of his bed talking with him. “Yes.” He managed to rasp as his body heated to almost impossible levels.

  Her hands settled on his hips. “Do you want your crutches?”

  “No.” He answered automatically. They put too much distance between us. He hesitated slightly. “If you don’t mind lending me your shoulder, I can manage without them.”

  When they arrived in the bedroom Kosuri was left very nearly breathless by the way Saverna managed to turn the chore of getting him situated into a sensuous treat. It started as soon as she got him to the bed where she started kissing him as she nudged him backwards until his calves hit the edge of the mattress and then deftly used her arms to steady him as he sat. “Smooth LT. Very smooth.” He groaned against her mouth as amusement wafted through him.

  “LT?” She seized his bottom lip between her teeth and bit gently causing his skin to tingle as the tugging sensation was echoed in his nipples and cock. Her eyes sparkled with amusement as she pulled back slightly. “If we’re going to go that route then I think it is time to get your boots off admiral.” And before he could even start to protest—not that he wanted to—she was nudging his legs apart as she lowered herself into a half crouch in front of him and began to kiss and lick her way down along his jaw to that sensitive space where his shoulder met his neck where she paused to use her teeth and tongue until he was panting and unable to think for the throbbing pressure in his cock as it pushed and strained against the front of his uniform trousers.

  The competing urges to push her away so that he could release himself from the restriction and to pull her close battled it out inside of him as he sat there swollen and overwhelmed with pleasure until suddenly it was too late and she was moving away from his shoulder down his body to his right nipple pebbled and hard and oh so sensitive against the fabric of his undertunic and tunic. She gave an experimental lick and he gasped at the sensuous ache that exploded though him at the contact.