A Mother's Courage

by Dilly Court

  The sound of childish laughter shattered the moment and Caine released her just as the door opened and Maria danced into the room carrying a plate of cakes, followed closely by Jessie with the tea tray. Caine placed himself squarely in front of Eloise, giving her a chance to adjust her clothing and tidy her hair. Her hands were shaking so much that she could scarcely make her fingers work, but Caine had taken charge and he was directing Jessie to set the tea things out on a small rosewood table in the window, while Maria sampled one of the cakes. Staring dazedly at her reflection in a gilt-framed wall mirror, Eloise pinned up her hair and pinched her cheeks to bring back the colour. Taking a deep breath in an attempt to calm herself, she moved slowly to the fireplace where she made a pretence of warming her hands.

  'I've seen the strange girl,' Maria said with her mouth full of cake. 'Her name is Annie and she likes cake too. Mrs Dean said she was glad she had made so many as they were all disappearing like morning mist. Do you want one, Ellie?'

  Eloise straightened up, shaking her head. 'No thank you, Maria dear, but a cup of tea would be lovely.' As Maria skipped over to the tea table, Eloise looked across the room and met Caine's steady gaze. There was no denying her love for him now. She had given herself away completely and he knew it. There was no going back, but neither was there a way forward. Somehow she managed to drink a cup of tea and nibble at a slice of bread and butter, while Maria kept up a constant chatter and Caine answered in monosyllables. All through the tortuous meal, Caine's eyes hardly left Eloise's face. She tried to avoid his steady gaze but every time she looked up her eyes were drawn to him, and it was as if their long embrace continued even though they were seated far apart.

  When Maria had eaten the last crumb of cake on her plate, Eloise rose to her feet. 'It's time I was going. Thank you for inviting me to tea, Maria.'

  Maria smiled and yawned. 'I'm glad that Papa is being nice to you now. I don't like quarrels.'

  Caine stood up and reached for the bell pull. 'It's time you were in bed, young lady.'

  'Oh, Papa. Can't I stay up a bit longer?' Maria's bottom lip stuck out and her fair brows drew together in an ominous frown.

  Eloise recognised the signs of an approaching tantrum and she placed her arm around Maria's shoulders, dropping a kiss on her upturned face. 'Go to bed like a good girl and I will see you tomorrow afternoon. Perhaps you can give me a piano lesson?' She did not add that she could already play, and the suggestion brought a smile back to Maria's face.

  'Oh, yes. That would be fun. I love you, Ellie.'

  'And I love you, poppet.' Eloise realised with a shock that she actually meant it. She had come to love the spoilt but unwanted child. For all her faults, Maria was a generous and affectionate little girl, who just needed love and attention tempered with gentle discipline to make her a much nicer child.

  Caine went to the door and opened it just as Jessie came hurrying in response to his summons. He sent Maria to bed with a pat on the head and instructions to be a good girl and to remember to say her prayers. 'I will, Papa but only if you promise to come up to my room and kiss me goodnight.' She waited for his reply but when he remained silent she uttered a small sigh and blew a kiss to Eloise as she followed Jessie from the room.

  'Don't look at me like that, Eloise,' Caine said abruptly. 'I do my best for the child. I can't pretend love where I feel none, and the reverse is true, as you know.'

  'I have to go,' Eloise said hastily. 'It's late and I always help Phoebe to put the babies to bed.'

  'Is that how we are going to part? You are going to run away again?'

  'I shouldn't have let you kiss me.'

  'But you did, and whatever you say, I know that you return my feelings. Why won't you admit it? What is it that you aren't telling me?'

  'I have nothing to say. Please allow me to leave, sir?'

  'You know that you are free to come and go as you please, but I'll see you to the hospital door. The fog is so thick that you could lose your way even in such a short distance.' He opened the door for her. 'You did not come without a coat or a shawl, did you?'

  'I gave it to Annie. She had nothing to cover her wounds and she was frozen to the marrow. What will become of her, sir?'

  A grim smile lit his eyes. 'If you persist in calling me sir, I'll throw her out on the street right now.'

  'I'm serious, Barton. Whatever has passed between us has nothing to do with Annie. Will you allow her to stay here for tonight at least?'

  'She can have Miss Trinder's old room but only for tonight. Tomorrow I will try to find her a suitable position in a respectable household.' He crossed the hall and plucking a man's greatcoat from the coat stand, he wrapped it around her shoulders. 'You'll need this. It's bitterly cold outside.'

  Eloise did not argue. She slipped it on and breathed in the scent of him that lingered in the satin lining of the cashmere coat. As he opened the door a plume of yellowish-green, evil smelling fog curled into the entrance hall. Outside there was nothing but the pea-souper and silence. Caine offered Eloise his arm. She leaned against him as they picked their way carefully along the path, more by instinct than by good judgement. The fog was so thick that Eloise could barely make out her feet, and Caine's outline was blurred even though she was clinging to his arm. When they finally reached the hospital entrance, Caine drew her into his arms and kissed her long and hard. There was a hint of desperation in his embrace, a lick of anger and frustration and an intensity of passion that both thrilled and frightened Eloise. In the strange other-worldly atmosphere of the amorphous, swirling miasma, she responded eagerly to his embrace, but in her heart she knew that this must be goodbye. Annie's sudden arrival, together with Joss having found his voice, would make it impossible for her to keep up the pretence that her children were foundlings. Even if she extracted a promise of secrecy from Annie, Eloise knew her well enough to realise that one day she would blurt out the truth, and then Caine would realise just how much she had deceived him.

  'Go inside, my love,' Caine murmured, punctuating his words with soft kisses. 'I can hardly bear to let you go, but we will talk things over tomorrow.'

  'Goodnight, Barton.' She allowed herself one last glorious moment in his arms, closing her eyes and revelling in the nearness of the man she had come to love with all her heart. Tearing herself away from him was sheer agony, and as she slipped off the protective mantle of his overcoat she knew she was relinquishing his love and protection forever. But there was another voice calling to her, or rather two small voices – her helpless babies who were locked inside the austere walls of the Foundling Hospital. As soon as the door closed on her and she was alone in the vast, echoing entrance hall, all her senses were alert. There was something wrong. She picked up her skirts and raced across the hall to the staircase. She was out of breath and filled with inexplicable dread as she entered the nursery.

  Phoebe was tucking the last infant into his cot and she looked up and smiled. 'You're late. Got lost in the fog, did you?' She winked and chuckled. 'Did the governor make you stay in after class?'

  Ignoring the innuendo, Eloise hurried to the cots at the end of the room. She heaved a sigh of relief at the sight of Beth sleeping peacefully, but when she went to check on Joss she found that the cot was empty. 'Joss! Where is he?'

  'Don't take on, Ellen. I know you had a soft spot for the kid, but he got hisself into such a state when you left that I had to send for Matron.' Phoebe paused, shaking her head. 'Don't look at me like that. I had no choice; he was upsetting all of the kids and he was going blue in the face. I thought he'd do hisself an injury.'

  Eloise managed to control her voice with difficulty. 'Where did she take him?'

  'She put him in a room on his own where he can't hurt hisself. If it weren't for the fog she said she'd have sent him to the school for imbecile children this evening, but he'll be packed off there first thing in the morning. Good riddance, I say.'

  'What have you done, you stupid, stupid girl?' Eloise grabbed Phoebe's hands. 'Where i
s he? Where is my baby?'

  'Have you gone doolally too? For Gawd's sake, Ellen, get a hold of yourself. You'll wake all the little bastards and I only just got them off to sleep.'

  'You don't understand. Joss is my son and Beth is my daughter. I am their mother.'

  'No!' Phoebe's eyes opened wide in disbelief and she shook her head. 'Don't talk daft, Ellen.'

  'It's true. I must find Joss. I can't explain but I've got to leave here tonight and I'm taking my children with me. You must help me, Phoebe. Please help me.'

  'I can't, ducks. If Matron found out she'd sack me on the spot.'

  'Just tell me where Joss is, then.'

  'Look, love, I can see you're in a state, but you can't take them little 'uns out on a night like this. Won't it wait until morning?'

  Eloise shook her head vehemently. 'No. We must go now. Please tell me where Joss is.'

  'All right, if you're determined to go through with this, I'll show you where he is.' Hooking a nurse's cape off the back of the door, Phoebe handed it to Eloise. 'Take this. It's a spare anyway, and with a bit of luck the old dragon won't notice it's gone. You can't go out on a night like this without something to keep out the cold and damp.'

  'Thank you, Phoebe. You're a good friend.'

  With the sleeping Beth wrapped in a shawl, and Joss's warm clothes in a bundle beneath her arm, Eloise followed the light of Phoebe's lamp through the maze of corridors. Phoebe opened a door and stood aside to allow Eloise to pass. 'I can't do no more, Ellen. I got to get back to the nursery.'

  'Yes, yes, do what you must, Phoebe. And thank you. I won't forget what you've done for me tonight.'

  Phoebe pulled a face. 'You won't thank me when you get lost in the pea-souper. I wish you'd change your mind, girl.'

  'I can't risk it. If you will just hold Beth for me for a moment, I'll get Joss and we'll be off.' Without waiting for a reply, Eloise thrust Beth into Phoebe's arms and she crept into the room. In the pale shaft of lamplight she could see Joss lying in a high-sided cot sound asleep with his curls tumbled over his tear-stained face. She called his name softly as she lifted him from the bed and he opened his eyes, recognising her instantly with a sunny smile which brought tears to her eyes. She hugged him to her breast, rocking his small body in her arms. 'Joss, my baby. We'll never be parted again, sweetheart. Mama promises you that.'

  'Hurry up and get him dressed,' Phoebe whispered. 'Old Marchant will be doing her rounds soon.' She pulled a small purse from her pocket and thrust it into Eloise's hand. 'Here, take this. It's not much but it's all I got. I were only going to spend it on a new bonnet, so I reckon it'll be better spent looking after you and the nippers.'

  'I'll pay you back every penny as soon as I can,' Eloise said, slipping a woollen jumper over Joss's head. 'Thank you, Phoebe. Thanks for everything. I will miss you.'

  'Get on with you, or we'll both end up crying like babies.' Phoebe gave her a watery smile. 'Good luck, girl. You'll need it.'

  It was surprisingly easy to leave the hospital unseen. The older children were at supper in the refectory, and it seemed that most of the staff were occupied in completing the last tasks of the day before retiring for their own meal or going home. For once, Eloise was grateful for the thick blanket of fog which covered their tracks the moment they stepped outside the building. Holding Joss by the hand, and with Beth hitched over her shoulder, Eloise made her way slowly out of the hospital grounds. Keeping close to the railings, she turned east, feeling her way along Guildford Street until she reached Gray's Inn Road, where she headed north towards King's Cross station. It was the only place where she could be certain that there would be warmth and light and it would be easy to get lost in the crowd. It was not very far to the station but Joss was tired, and although Eloise was grateful that Beth was asleep, it made her a dead weight and difficult to carry. They had to keep stopping to rest in doorways, often disturbing a sleeping vagrant or tripping over the inert bodies of drunks sleeping off an excess of alcohol.

  The only sounds to penetrate the eerie silence were the occasional clip-clop of horses' hooves and the rumble of cartwheels on cobblestones. It felt to Eloise that they were alone in a strange, yellowish-green world of stinking fog, but at last she heard the plaintive whistle of a steam train. The lights of the station filtered through the haze in shredded strands, but it was a little clearer inside the main concourse and Eloise found a coffee stall which was still open for business, where she bought a cup of hot coffee for herself and some milk for the children. There was a fire burning brightly in the ladies' waiting room and she sat down on the wooden bench with Joss at her side and Beth cuddled in the crook of her arm. A porter came in to attend to the fire and he eyed them curiously. There ain't no more trains tonight, ma'am.'

  'I must have missed my train,' Eloise said, attempting a smile. 'Could we wait here until morning?'

  'I'm locking up, ma'am. I'm afraid you'll have to leave.'

  'But we've come a long way and my children are tired.'

  'Sorry, ma'am, but that ain't my problem. Now I'll have to ask you to find somewhere else to spend the night. There's plenty of cheap doss houses round here, although I ain't too sure they'll take in a woman with nippers, but you might be lucky.'

  They were out on the street again, and there was no sign of the fog lifting.

  'I'm tired, Mama,' Joss murmured.

  Eloise clutched his small hand and gave his fingers an encouraging squeeze. 'We'll find somewhere soon, darling.' She started walking northwards. If they could get as far as the dust yard, perhaps the Tranters would give them shelter for the night. They had only gone a few paces when a figure loomed out of the fog, almost colliding with them.

  'Watch out, lady.' A huge man, wearing a battered top hat and smelling worse than the pea-souper, held a lantern close to Eloise's face. 'Ellie! Is that you?'

  'Mick? Mick Fowler – Peg's gentleman friend?'

  'The very same. Gawd's strewth, girl. What are you doing out in this and with them nippers? And why did you run off like that with nary a word to Peg and her ma? They was frantic with worry, and then that detective fellow come looking for you too. What's been going on, Ellie?'

  Eloise shook her head. 'Oh, Mick. You don't know how good it is to see a friendly face. I'll explain everything, but do you think you could take us to the Tranters' house? I must get the children out of this dreadful pea-souper.'

  Mick hoisted Joss onto his shoulders. 'Hang on to me jacket, ducks. I know me way blindfold.'

  Clutching the tail of Mick's coarse fustian jacket, Eloise stumbled after him with tears of relief pouring down her cheeks. Just when she had thought they would have to spend the night out in the cold, Mick had appeared before them like an angel from heaven. Perhaps there was a god after all. When her father returned from his mission, Eloise vowed silently to pay more attention to his sermons.

  Peg and Gertie were at first incredulous and then overjoyed to see Eloise and the children. Gertie couldn't get over how much Joss and Beth had grown in the past few months and Peg patted her swollen belly, announcing with pride that there would soon be another little Tranter to help in the dust yard. It would be a Fowler, Mick said, hooking his arm around her shoulders. Just as soon as the banns were read he was determined to make an honest woman of his Peg. Then Cyril, Jimmy and Danny arrived home and the sound of their voices awakened Daisy and Cora, who came in sleepy-eyed from the bedroom to join in the reunion. Mick and Cyril went out to the pie shop and returned with hot pies, pease pudding, mashed potatoes and a jug of gravy, and the family crowded round the kitchen table or squatted on the floor to eat.

  Later that night, when everyone had gone to bed, Eloise lay in her old place on a straw palliasse in front of the kitchen range, with Joss and Beth sleeping peacefully at her side. They were safe for now at least, but her heart ached for the man she had given up in order to protect her children. She had not believed that love would come again to her after Ronnie's death, but she realised now that she had been m
istaken. Loving Barton did not diminish the feelings she had had for Ronnie, but that was another life, locked away in a separate compartment of her heart and encapsulated in her adoration of their children. Nothing could take that away from her, but if she was honest with herself, she knew that Ronnie's profligate spending habits and selfishness would have eventually destroyed their happiness.

  But the sad truth was that she had walked away from the man whom she loved with all her heart. Barton Caine could have been her future but for the circumstances that had forced her to live a lie. Once he knew the truth, he would never want to see her again, but at least she would be spared the sight of his accusing face and the hurt expression in his eyes when he discovered her deception. She curled her arms around the warm bodies of her children and closed her eyes. Whatever tomorrow might bring, she would keep them safe. She would do anything necessary to see that they did not suffer.

  Next morning there was the familiar and comforting hustle and bustle of the family rising early for work. After a hasty breakfast of bread and jam, Cora had taken Daisy to the ragged school, and the men had gone off to work with their hunks of bread and dripping wrapped in newspaper, and bottles of water to wash the dust from their throats. Gertie and Peg stayed behind to talk to Eloise. Last night there had only been time for the briefest of explanations as to why she had disappeared so completely, but now she was able to furnish them with the details. When she had finished, Peg and Gertie exchanged worried glances.