Infatuation

by River Savage

  At first I freeze, but then I realize nothing is going to change, so I push hope out of my head and relax.

  We’re just friends.

  “If I puke on you, it’s your own fault.” I bury my head into his chest, still not ready to face the day. His shirt smells like pine and a hint of lacquer.

  “If you puke on me, darlin’, you’re getting in the shower to clean me up,” he replies and my stomach does that dip thingy that happens just as you free fall on a roller coaster. “Shit, sorry,” he quickly adds, realizing his slip.

  Ugggh, this is why it’s hard to move on when he oversteps the friend line.

  “Why do you smell like pine?” I change the subject, not because I don’t want to shower with Beau, because I do. But talking about it anymore than I have to will only make things worse.

  “Why do you smell like vanilla one day and strawberry the next?” he counters my question with his own.

  “’Cause I use two different body washes,” I answer as he places me on the kitchen counter.

  “Why do you have two different body washes?” He hands me a mug of black coffee, just how I like it, and refills his own.

  “I like to keep it fresh. Spice things up.” He lets out a low chuckle at my answer but doesn’t comment any further.

  “So why do you smell like pine?” I ask again, wanting to know why he really smells like he took a bath in lacquer.

  “I re-varnished the porch swing.” He steps up to the stove and begins to fill up a plate with eggs and bacon.

  “You did?” I slide off the counter and walk out to the front porch. I throw open the door and walk out to the swing. The faded peeled wood has been sanded back and now shines with new varnish.

  “Came out good.” I turn back to see Beau standing at the door watching me.

  “Yeah, it looks great. When will it be ready?”

  “Tomorrow it should be good to go. I know how much you like sitting out here and reading.”

  “You did this for me?” I spin back, trying to gauge his reaction.

  “No, been meaning to do it for a while. Had the time today.” He turns and walks back inside like it’s no big deal.

  He so fixed it up for me.

  I follow him inside and take my seat back on the counter. I don’t push the swing, not wanting to make a big deal, but I can’t help smile about it. It’s a small gesture, but to me, it’s huge.

  “What time did you come in?” I watch him carefully as he hands me my plate. I don’t bother moving to the table. My appetite’s coming back, so I dig in right away.

  “You don’t remember?” He takes my plate out of my hands and brings it to the table. I only pout for a second before following the food.

  He’s bossy even without words.

  “No. I remember the girls leaving, Holly was last to go then I started to clean up. The rest is blank.”

  “I got in around midnight. You were passed out on the sofa.”

  “I was?” I look up, trying to remember. Shit, yes. I sat down when the room started to spin. I must have fallen asleep.

  “You snore when you’re drunk,” he teases between mouthfuls of food.

  “I do not.” I hide my face behind my coffee cup.

  “You do. You even drooled a little.” He wipes his mouth, showing me how much I dribbled. My eyes must convey my horror because he starts laughing.

  “You’re lying.” I don’t believe him. No way.

  “I’m not lying, darlin’. You were snoring, drooling, and even mumbling in your sleep.” My head hits the table, as his laughter grows louder.

  “Stop, just stop.” I look up and watch him enjoying himself way too much.

  “Okay, so you don’t want to know what you proposed when I managed to put you to bed?”

  I don’t answer, his laughter telling me it’s just as bad, if not worse. Instead of stressing about what I might and might not have said, I finish my breakfast, top up my coffee then take my ass to my favorite chair and decide to wallow for the rest of the day.

  I’m never drinking again.

  Sixteen

  Beau

  “So, how’s Mackenzie settling in?” Holly asks a couple of weeks later at a Friday night club BBQ. Nix had called a club meet earlier to discuss some shit with the Warriors and follow up on how Chad is still completely off the grid. Not one sighting. How the fuck it’s even possible I have no idea and I don’t want to get my hopes up, but it’s starting to look like he’s not going to make a move.

  “She’s okay,” I answer and take another sip of my beer. I should probably be heading out, but tonight I’m finding it hard to go home. The last few weeks of having Kenzie in my home haven’t been easy. Especially after the night I told her just what I wanted to do with her.

  The first few days after that evening were quiet, both of us treading carefully, but just like everything else, time has healed things and now it’s like we’re back to normal.

  An ordinary Hell that leaves me not wanting to go home most nights.

  It’s not that I don’t want her there. Fuck, far from it. She cooks dinner every night, keeps the place tidy, and last week even started on bringing back the garden I’ve managed to kill off.

  The problem is more than all those issues. It’s knowing she sleeps next door to me every night, a thin wall the only thing separating us. It’s the showers every morning that force me to jack off to stop me from kicking the door down to join her. It’s the fucking nightie she continues to walk around in every night. The same one I told her not to fucking wear. It’s every single day knowing this woman, who wants me just as much as I want her, is so damn perfect, I know I can’t ruin her.

  She’s driving me crazy, but it doesn’t stop me from going out of my way to find ways to talk to her, sit with her and even watch the stupid shows she likes to watch. I even went as far as fixing up the damn porch swing for her.

  I’m twisted up over pussy and I’m not even fucking her.

  “I’m surprised she’s not here,” Kelly continues to question me, only making my pissed-off mood darker.

  “She worked earlier and decided to go home,” I answer, still not sure why I’m annoyed she didn’t want to hang back with us. I thought she would eventually get used to the club, the parties, and women, but it doesn’t seem she wants to. Not yet anyway.

  “How about you? Are you doing okay?” Holly asks.

  “I’m fine, Holly.” I let out a frustrated breath. It’s not like I want to be an asshole to her. I just don’t want to fucking talk about Mackenzie when I’m wound so tight.

  Maybe I need my dick wet? Fuck her out of my head.

  “Hey, Beau.” Lissy, Bell’s friend, interrupts my thoughts and takes a seat next to me.

  “Hey.” I keep my eyes on my beer, the irony she just sat down not lost on me.

  “Wanna get out of here?” She leans in closer so no one can hear. That’s Lissy, straight to the point.

  Like me.

  I think it over for a bit. Maybe it would help? I haven’t fucked anyone since Mackenzie came back into my life, maybe it will help break this connection we can’t seem to shake. It would be easy. Lissy and I spent a night together in Vegas a few months back. She knows what I like and clearly knows my tastes.

  I look up and catch Holly watching. She looks away before I can tell her to fuck off.

  “Nope, not tonight,” I reply to Lissy, my eyes on Holly. Lissy doesn’t say anything, not bothered by my rejection and again, I kick myself for knocking her back.

  Fucking hell, what the fuck is wrong with me?

  “I’m out for the night. See ya’ll tomorrow.” I stand and give a few head nods around the table before making my way around the clubhouse to my bike. I need out of here before I lose my cool.

  “Beau, wait up,” Lissy calls out as I make it around the front and mount my ride.

  “Lissy, don’t. You knew the fucking score back in Vegas. It was one time, not gonna happen again.” My tone isn’t nice, but she doesn’
t seem fazed.

  “I know, of course. I just wanted to say sorry. I wasn’t thinking. It’s why I followed you around here.” I look at her for a minute. She was a good fuck, into everything I put her through, but staring at her now, my head and my dick know she’s not what I want. Not what I fucking crave.

  “No problem,” I finally say and start my bike up. The rumble of the pipes cut off anything else she could possibly want to say.

  With one final head nod, I back out and take off, hoping a ride clears some of my head and I decide right then to take the long route home.

  Maybe it’s not such a good idea to have Mackenzie in my space anymore if it’s messing with me so much.

  But it’s not like I could ask her to leave.

  I could send her back to the clubhouse?

  No, there’s no way she would go for it, especially after demanding she move in with me. No fucking way.

  After riding for over an hour, and no closer to coming to a decision, I pull up out front of my house, kick the stand down and climb off. The front porch light is switched off, but the kitchen light still glows, so I know she’s still awake.

  “You’re home?” Mackenzie looks up from the porch swing when I climb the stairs.

  “Jesus, darlin’, didn’t see you there.” I take stock of where she’s sitting and try to curb my displeasure that she’s out here in the dark.

  “Sorry, was just enjoying the cooler air.” She pushes a blanket off her legs and stands.

  “What the hell you doing out here in the dark?” I scold when I see her in her fucking nightgown.

  Fuck me, she’s trying to kill me again.

  The fabric molds to her body and exposes her erect nipples for the world to see.

  Fuck, think of puppies, and babies. Puppies and babies.

  “I’m fine, Beau. Relax.” She bends and picks up a mug, and then walks to the front door. I don’t fight her anymore on the subject because truthfully, I don’t have the energy. The woman fights me on everything and tonight I just don’t have it in me.

  “You had dinner?” I ask, watching her walk into the kitchen. Her hips sway as she walks, drawing me in like some sort of siren.

  I stay back kicking my boots off at the front and dropping my helmet on the table next to the door.

  “Yeah, there’s leftovers in the fridge.” She looks up from washing out her mug when I make it to the kitchen.

  “Thanks.” I head for the fridge, suddenly pretty fucking hungry.

  “How was your night?” She pulls herself up on the counter, watching me dig into some chicken pie dish.

  “All right. You should have stayed. The girls wanted to talk some girly shit with you,” I tell her with a mouth full of food.

  “Umm, the parties get pretty full on.” She picks at a thread on her nightgown and looks up.

  “Does it still make you uncomfortable?” I place my plate on the counter and pull a bottle of beer out of the fridge.

  “No, it doesn’t bother me at all. Just didn’t want to see some things.”

  “What things?” I push, not sure what she’s getting at.

  “Well, you know, what you do is your thing and I respect that. I just didn’t want to risk seeing something I’m not sure I’d be able to handle.”

  “You think I’m gonna be all over some club whore in front of you?”

  “Why not? You don’t owe me anything. Like you said, we’re friends, and I know you and Lissy were—” She stops for a beat and arranges her face. “Anyway, it’s not my business.” She slides off the counter.

  What the fuck? How the fuck does she know about Lissy?

  “I’m gonna head to bed. I’m tired.” She brushes past me and before I realize what I’m doing my hand reaches out and grabs her. Her body locks, tensing under my touch. I wait a beat, pausing for her to realize I’m not a threat. It’s only a few short seconds before she relaxes.

  “You don’t have to worry about that, darlin’.”

  “Oh, I’m not. I know you have needs. We both do.” She steps back out of my reach and I can’t help but want to pull her back.

  “What’s that supposed to mean?” The question comes out as a growl because she’s pissing me off. Fucking needs. What fucking needs is she talking about?

  “You really want me to answer, Beau?”

  “Yeah, I really do.”

  “Okay, well, I haven’t seen you with anyone since I’ve been here. You don’t have to hide it from me, Beau. I mean we have to be okay when one of us brings someone else home.”

  I think my chest tightens and my arm grows numb. The thought of a man in my house, in her bed, could warrant a heart attack, right?

  “Darlin’, you won’t be bringing a man into my home.” I shut that shit down right now. I wouldn’t be able to control myself if some fucker was in my house touching what’s mine.

  “Well, I’m not talking about tomorrow, Beau,” she argues, making it worse.

  “You won’t be ever.”

  “Beau—” She starts to explain, but my mind blanks, white noise blocks her out. Need, fear, and anger simmer through me and before I think it through, I step into her space, dip my head and smash my mouth to hers. She fights it to begin with, her hands pushing at my chest. Until I reach around and pull her closer. A soft sigh dances from her lips and my tongue sweeps, seeking an opportunity.

  I know we’ve been here before and I told her I wouldn’t go there with her again, but in this moment, none of that matters. What started as simmering desire transforms into intense infatuation. To have her, taste her, make her mine, it’s too much to resist.

  I’m fucking done fighting it.

  Seventeen

  Mackenzie

  The kiss takes me by surprise. My first response is to fight it, push back and end it. Until his hand moves to the small of my back and pulls me in closer while his tongue whispers along my lips coaxing my mouth open. Desperation replaces my shock, and I meet his hunger with my own.

  I know this is what we both agreed shouldn't happen, but I can’t stop. I can’t step away from him. Ever since the night I kissed him, I’ve been dreaming of this. I’ve been dreaming of a hell of a lot more than this.

  Deepening the kiss, I rise to my toes and reach up to run my fingers through his hair. He has it pulled back in one of those knots on top of his head today, so I rip it out and help it fall free.

  He pulls back slightly and for a second, I think he’s putting a stop to this until he places his hand on my waist, picks me up, turns and plants me on the kitchen counter. His mouth finds mine again while my hands make quick work of disposing of his cut. Moving away from my mouth, his lips slide down my neck to my collarbone. His breath is warm, his beard a mixture of rough yet soft.

  “Beau.” His name creeps past my lips. The hunger burning in my body brings the fire out in me.

  His kisses stop, while he pushes the straps of my nightgown down my arms, exposing both my breasts to the cold air.

  “Jesus, you’re more amazing than I could have imagined.” He lowers his mouth and takes a nipple between his lips and rolls it.

  “Holy shit.” My hands find his hair again, pulling hard as his teeth graze my tight bud.

  “Fuck, your tits are perfect, darlin’.” His gravelly voice shoots a jolt between my legs and a thrill down my spine. I don’t think I’ve ever had a man make me need this much.

  “Don’t stop, please don’t ever stop,” I beg, dragging his head back to my breast. His mouth descends again, showing my nipple the same attention as before.

  Rolling, nipping and tugging, the dampness between my thighs grows, arousal pulsing through me.

  Pulling him off my nipple, I drag him back up to my mouth. He doesn’t waste a minute. His tongue darting past my lips and curling against mine.

  My hands work his belt, breaking it free before flipping the button of his jeans and moving my hand down his front. My fingers find the base of his thickness instantly.

  Jesus, he’s so fucki
ng hard for me.

  Hard and thick.

  Before I manage a full grip around him, he freezes.

  “Wait.” He steps back, breaking our connection. “Darlin’, we need to cool it down.” A pained look falls over his face and it’s like having a bucket of ice water thrown over me, dousing all need and want. I push my arms back through my straps to cover myself up.

  “Are you kidding me?” I slide off the counter and rush past him. Rejection flows through me, the burning flame of need he just lit now doused by my insecurities.

  Am I not enough?

  I need the earth to open up and swallow me whole. How could I be so stupid? A seed of embarrassment starts to grow inside of me, and I know if I don’t get away from him, I will be flowering a new shade of red on my face.

  “Kenz, wait!” he calls out, but I can’t bear for him to see me like this.

  “No don’t, Beau. Just leave it,” I manage to say before escaping the kitchen.

  “I’m no good for you, Mackenzie. This—”

  “Is a mistake. I got it.” I stop, turning back to finish his sentence and holding the disappointment from my voice. The last thing I need to become is some desperate woman in an off and on sort of relationship.

  “No, darlin’, I’m just looking out for you. You don’t need this kind of fucked up.”

  I shake my head, done with his excuses. I’ve lived fucked up. I was married to it. Beau is not fucked up. I know it with everything in me. The totality of his commitment to me proves he is nothing like Chad.

  He’s the one who gave me hope when Chad took it away. He’s the one responsible for giving me a life I never thought I could be worthy of. Because of him, it's as if everything has been wiped clean.

  “Do you want to be with me, Beau?” His eyes close at my question as if it pains him to answer.

  “So much it hurts, darlin’.”

  “Then be with me, Beau. Be with me how you want to be with me.” I offer what I think he needs from me. Not because I want it, because the truth is I don’t know if I will, but because he does and I want him any way I can have him.