Embrace

by S. Layne

A puff of breath falls through his lips and he’s silent for several moments before he nods.

  The only sound in the car is the old-school mid-nineties rock station that James has always loved. It brings tears to my eyes as I remember all the fun we used to have in his car in college.

  Like the year we took off from Michigan over Spring Break and drove to Las Vegas for the week. We stopped wherever we wanted. We had sex on the side of the interstate under the cover of nightfall. We ate crap food and danced in the rain. We gambled and had more sex. Everyone was sure we would come back married, but the only time we stepped foot into a chapel was to witness an Elvis impersonator marrying someone else. Then we paid to get his picture taken with us, pretending that he’d just married us.

  It hurts—those memories. And they make me smile, too.

  Through sad tears, my voice barely audible over the sounds of Weezer crooning through the radio, I ask him, “When did we stop having so much fun together?”

  His hand leaves the steering wheel and covers mine in my lap. He squeezes gently and glances at me, his eyes just as sad as mine. “I don’t know, Laurie.”

  I wipe the tears and look out the window.

  “I’m really sorry about your mom.” He squeezes my hand again, and I whisper my thanks.

  I know he is, but I can’t bring myself to say anything further as we speed down I-96 toward Ann Arbor.

  I flip my phone in my hand and breathe. It isn’t until I hang up with Elma that I realize I’ve been holding my breath.

  “How is she?”

  I feel James’s gaze on me and I turn to face him.

  “Elma said she’s still in bypass surgery. They won’t know more for a few hours.”

  “That’s good,” he says. “You can spend some time with your dad and be there for him when she comes out.”

  God. My dad. “I can only imagine how he’s doing right now.”

  James laughs once. “He has always been a bit clueless about real life.”

  My laugh mirrors his: sad, hesitant, but a little bit light too. It eases the heaviness we’ve been stewing in for the last two hours.

  “Thanks for coming,” I tell him. “I haven’t said it yet, but I’m glad I didn’t have to drive by myself.”

  He rolls his lips together and nods. His smile disappears as he returns his focus to driving. “I’m happy to be here for you.”

  His words carry more weight than they say on the surface, and I wish I could reach out and comfort him like he did to me earlier.

  But as he pulls off the interstate and we make the quiet, quick trip to the hospital, adrenaline begins coursing through my body at a rapid pace as I prepare myself to see my father, and my mother eventually.

  When James pulls into the parking lot, he pulls up to the Emergency Room entrance doors and pushes the gearshift into park.

  My hand is on the door to open it, knowing he’ll find me and meet later even though we haven’t discussed what he’s supposed to do now. I just know he won’t leave me to deal with my family alone.

  His hand on mine prevents me from opening the door. “Is he why you won’t forgive me, Laurie?”

  My eyes close before I open them and I turn to look at him.

  “Is it him…or because of what I did?”

  I see his restrained frustration, his fear and anger all mixed together.

  I owe him this honesty. I owe him the full reason for why I separated from him, but we don’t have time to discuss this now.

  “Can we talk about this later?”

  His chin drops and his deep, dark brown eyes penetrate mine with a searing glare. It’s an expression so intense I barely recognize it on him. This is not the man who hurt me. This is not the man who loved me tenderly and gently for years.

  This man is fierce and strong…and God…how could I have forgotten how insanely attractive he is in his own way?

  “I already told you it’s over with him, anyway.”

  James reaches out and cups his hand on my cheek. His fingers are cold from the air-conditioning and I flinch from the contact. “How am I supposed to win a battle when I don’t know what I’m fighting?”

  “I’m not something to win,” I whisper, although my words are clear.

  He shakes his head once. “You’re everything.”

  He leans forward, pulling me toward him, and then his lips are on mine.

  It’s the first time I’ve truly kissed him since I found out about him and Becky, and instantly my body warms. I’m lost and my mind is swimming as his lips press against mine in an unyielding kiss.

  I gasp, opening my mouth, and his tongue dives inside. I try to fight it, but he doesn’t let me. He forces me into submission by pressing his mouth against mine. Our tongues tangle together, and both of his hands hold me to him, gently but firmly cupping my cheeks.

  A moan pours from deep in my throat and I cave. He tastes like he always has.

  Like my James.

  Like the man I fell in love with and have loved for over a decade.

  The only man I thought I would ever desire in my entire life.

  Yet that naïve woman, that young girl, never expected life to throw her a curveball full of self-doubt and betrayal.

  The kiss lasts too long and not long enough. I’m just remembering the taste of him and the feel of him and the smell of him when he abruptly pulls away.

  Darkness flashes in his dark brown eyes and we’re both gasping for breath. It mingles in the small space between our lips, but I can’t pull away from him.

  “That man fucked you.”

  I flinch at his cold words. And his brutal honesty.

  I nod.

  His fingers by my temples squeeze harder and a muscle in his jaw tics. “I want to fuck the memory of him out of you.”

  “James,” I whisper, my voice hoarse, tears now falling down my cheeks. I don’t know when they started, but they’re not stopping.

  His thumbs gently swipe my cheeks, a contradiction to the fire in his eyes and the firm grasp he has on me.

  I sob. “I’m sorry.”

  Because I am.

  I may have started this to get even—for revenge.

  I just didn’t expect it to hurt him so much.

  For him to care so much.

  I heave a deep breath, reminding myself of where we are and what I have to do now. He lets me go when I pull back from him and wipe the rest of my tears away.

  “You shouldn’t have done that.”

  “There are a lot of things I shouldn’t have done.”

  I blink, knowing exactly what he’s referring to, but I can no longer sit in this car and discuss it. “I have to go.”

  Without giving him time to argue or pull me back to him, I rush out of his car to find the Surgery Center where my father is waiting for me.

  I know without a doubt that James will be rushing to find me, to finish what he just started, but he’s only made me more confused.

  If the fluttering in my lower stomach is any indication, I’m aroused from the kiss—and yet I’m still angry. And now I’m horribly sorry that he’s feeling the same amount of pain, imagining another person’s hands all over me. I’ve had nightmares of the same thing, of him with Becky.

  “How are you?” I ask, wrapping my arms around my father.

  My heart is beating madly inside my chest and I know it’s only partly from nerves at seeing my dad.

  His tie is loosened, his shirt disheveled, and his pants are wrinkled. I’ve never seen him look like such a mess, and it overwhelms me with emotions all over again.

  I sniff as he pulls me tighter. My dad is taller than me and strong. He’s a conqueror and a stealer of companies, but in this moment he seems so much smaller—more vulnerable—than I’ve ever seen him.

  “You know me, honey,” he says, with his arms holding me against him. “I always come out on top, and the doctor says since I was there with her when it happened…” He pauses, and I can feel his chin tremble against the top of my head. �
�Well, he says that we got her in the ambulance and to help quickly, which is important.”

  He sets me back away from him, wraps his arm around my shoulders, and I take a seat next to him in the waiting room. Across from us, Elma is furiously typing away on her computer and I can only imagine the work she continues to do for my father, even from the hospital.

  I bump my shoulder into my dad’s in an effort to lighten the heavy and fearful mood seeping into the air. “You need to pay that woman some more.”

  He scoffs and shakes his head. “She’s already making more than I am.”

  “Please,” Elma says, raising her head and smiling wide. “The day that man gives me a raise is the day I see pigs fly.”

  I laugh, but it’s strained—just like my dad’s next to me. The attempt is futile and gone as soon as our laughter dies.

  I reach over the armrest and take his hand and squeeze. “Any updates?”

  He shakes his head. “Since thirty minutes ago when you called? No, we just have to wait now.”

  “Well, she’s strong,” I tell him, knowing it’s true. My mom is the strongest and most productive woman I’ve ever met. Even if I don’t see eye to eye with her on many things, I can appreciate her internal strength. “I’m sure she’ll be just fine and back to running your life in no time.”

  “And in the meantime,” Elma says, piping in, “I’m here to help.”

  It makes me smile, knowing my dad has two strong women who are there for him.

  But God…if something happens to my mom…

  I sniff, hide it behind a cough, but when Elma catches my eye with an understanding look, I look down at my feet.

  I can’t believe I’m here.

  It isn’t long before James joins us in the room, and without asking, he takes a seat next to me and holds my hand. I let him, because to pull away could cause a scene I don’t want to make.

  Also because as soon as his skin is on mine, I’m instantly reminded of the heat that passed between us in the car—the way he took possession of me, and that kiss.

  The restrained control he showed, even though I knew he wanted to lose it completely.

  He was a different man from the one I’ve become so used to seeing, and I’d be lying if I said it didn’t turn me on.

  Even now, sitting so close to him with his leg occasionally brushing against mine, there is still a fluttering in my lower stomach that isn’t entirely unwelcome.

  God. I seriously need to get a grip—maybe call the therapist, because I feel like I’m going mad the longer he sits next to me, his thumb lightly brushing the back of my hand and my fingers.

  I look at him, but he doesn’t return my gaze.

  Instead, he stays focused on looking to where our hands our connected. His fingers lightly graze the sensitive skin in between my fingers and everything inside me tightens.

  He doesn’t look at me, but I know he can tell I’m trying to gain his attention when he whispers with a hoarse voice, “Did you feel that between us, Laurie? Because I did.”

  I felt it, too. That heat and the instant attraction and chemistry that we had for so long.

  I don’t say anything. I can’t deny it, but admitting it would lead him to believe in things I’m still so unsure of.

  His eyes slowly lift to mine and I see a new kind of fire, a determination to win.

  I swallow a thick lump in my throat.

  He stares into my gray eyes as if he’s searching for my answers. “I changed my mind.”

  I raise my eyebrows, silently asking him what he means.

  “Last week, I said I’d let you go if you wanted me to. I’ve decided that I’ll never give up fighting for you and for what we had until I have to.”

  “James,” I plead, my voice barely audible but still scratchy. “This isn’t the time.”

  “Gerald,” Elma says, and flashes me a quick look before returning her focus to my dad. “Can James and I get you anything to eat? You haven’t eaten all day.”

  I immediately exhale a breath, thankful for the save. And I know based on James’s chuckle that he knows it as well.

  My dad shakes his head, but I know Elma will bring him something anyway.

  “Just a sandwich,” I reply.

  James stands up, giving my hand one last squeeze before he lets go.

  “Of course,” he says. “Why don’t you show me where the cafeteria is, Mrs. Preston, and we can go together?”

  He flashes me a half-smile, half-smirk that has me biting back a grin.

  Thank you, I mouth to Elma as she passes by, giving me a wink. When we’re alone, I rest my head on my dad’s shoulder and sigh. “That woman sees too much.”

  “That woman sees everything and knows everything. It’s why she’s so important to me.” He holds me closer. “I take it things with you and James aren’t better?”

  “I don’t want to talk about James now.”

  “Well, tell me something, because I can’t sit here and worry about your mom. It’ll send me into a bed right next to her.”

  I cringe. It’s a joke, just a poor one. “Not funny.”

  He tightens his hand on my shoulder. “Sorry.”

  “James had an affair, Dad. It’s not something I can just forgive.” And I’m still pissed at my dad for his role in taking over ParaMed, but it’s neither the time nor the place to bring that up.

  “All men are fallible, sweetie.”

  His voice takes on a thick tongue and I pull back to see him staring out a window. Wherever his mind just went, it’s far away from the hospital.

  “Dad?”

  He shakes his head, bringing his focus back to me with a wan smile. “I’m just saying that everyone makes mistakes on a wide scope of right and wrongs. James was never perfect and he never will be. It only matters if you think you can work past it.”

  “It sounds like you’re defending him.”

  “I’m a man who has thousands of people under my employment. My mistakes are long and wide, and some more hurtful than others, Laurie. I understand screwups way more than you think I might.”

  My back is stiff and I pull back, feeling the tension knotting my shoulders. “Like practically stealing Anne’s company out from under her and using Liam as your pawn to get what you want?”

  I can’t help it. I’m seething with anger. How dare he not only defend James’s actions, but so carelessly brush them away.

  “That was business, Laurie. Not what I was talking about.”

  Gone is the “sweetie” endearment, which I know means I’m getting under my father’s skin. I no longer care and I can’t continue sitting next to him and pretending everything is fine.

  “I’m mad at you for this, and I feel like you used my knowledge of the company to take it over.”

  “I thought you would, but whatever you said at our home was said in a personal relationship. It has no bearing on my professional one with ParaMed or Parkorp.”

  I scoff and jump to my feet. My body feels strung tight and buzzing like a live wire running through my veins. I drop the talk of business, reminding myself this isn’t the place. It drives my father crazy when important matters are brought up at inappropriate times. I can’t believe he’s talked about it at all.

  Not that discussing James is any better.

  “And James?” I ask. “His mistakes are what—flippant and forgettable?”

  With a heavy sigh, I take in my dad’s appearance and notice faint lines around his eyes and in between his eyebrows that weren’t there just a week ago. He leans back in his chair and clasps his hands together in his lap—always the conqueror.

  His demeanor, given where we are and why we’re here, almost makes me laugh.

  I bite it back, barely.

  “I’m saying no one is infallible from errors in judgment, whether they’re minor or extreme. Sometimes the measure of a man shouldn’t be taken by his perceived perfections but by how he reacts to his obvious imperfections. I can tell you that James is a man who dearly regrets
what he’s done and desperately wants to make amends.”

  My eyes are wide, almost bursting out of my head by the time he’s done. He’s wise, but…

  “Has he been talking to you about this?” My mouth gapes open.

  He couldn’t. There’s no way James would do this to me when he knows my relationship with my parents isn’t the best.

  “Of course not.” He waves a hand, dismissing my assumption. I breathe a heavy sigh of relief in knowing James hasn’t also betrayed me again. “But I can tell a desperate man when I see one.”

  I cross my arms over my chest, defensive. “You sound like you know from experience.”

  “I have been married to your mother for over thirty years. They haven’t always been easy.” He glances away again and gets that far-off look in his eyes. When he looks back at me, his eyes glimmer with unshed tears and mine immediately do the same. “That does not mean, however, that I haven’t always known she’s the perfect woman for me. I may have regrets, but I have never regretted a single moment with her.”

  “Oh, Dad,” I say, and I move back to my chair and wrap my arms around him.

  The uncommon endearment falling from my lips shocks me, but I don’t have time to take it back before we collapse into each other with our silent tears, thoughts, and prayers, hoping that the woman who probably drives us both insane at times will be okay.

  We have eaten horrible hospital food and I have been watching inane news on the television for the last hour while none of us in the room say much to one another at all.

  James excuses himself several times to take a phone call that he assures me is business-related, but I can’t help but pull away from him as soon as I hear Becky’s voice come through the line on his last call.

  He shoots me an apologetic look before leaving the room, but I hate that he does it. Did he use to leave the room to talk to her in private? I can no longer remember, and I’m ninety percent sure he’s just talking business with his assistant. But there is still an ugly green monster creeping inside me, seething with jealousy and distrust that he’s left me alone to be with her.

  I hate that he still works with her. I don’t know if I can begin to trust him again until she’s finally out of the picture completely.