by A. T Brennan
“I needed to see you.”
“After all this time? Now you need to see me?”
“I’ve been thinking about looking you up for a long time, years. Then I was talking with Nicole and she mentioned how she’d seen you at your work.” He shook his head. “I don’t know. I guess that made it go from a desire to a need.”
“And now that you’ve seen me?”
“I have no idea.”
“Yeah. That I understand.” She bit her lip again and then took a sip of her coffee, grateful when the hot liquid burned a trail down her throat and made her think of something other than Ben and how incredible he looked.
“Did you ever think of me?” he asked, his voice quiet as he looked at the table between them.
“Yes, a lot.”
“Did you ever think of looking me up?”
“I tried,” she admitted softly.
“What?”
“I looked for you on social media. I searched for your name, scanned all your old friends’ profiles, or at least the ones I could see. You had no digital footprint that I could find so I assumed you didn’t want to be found.”
“I didn’t, you’re right about that.” He sighed and drank down a huge gulp of his coffee. “There was awhile there where I didn’t want to be found, didn’t feel like I could be.”
“So what changed?”
“My entire life got flipped upside down.” He shook his head and leaned back in his seat. “I left the marines a few months ago.”
“By choice?”
“Sort of.”
“I don’t understand.”
“Things have been rough for me, job wise, for the past few years. I toughed it out as best I could, but it wasn’t good for me, not anymore. I had fifteen years of service so I wasn’t eligible for retirement. I couldn’t do another five years, so I got out and received an honorable discharge.”
“But you would have stayed in?”
“If the circumstances had been different.” He nodded. “But they weren’t, so this was the best option for me.”
“Oh, I see.” She took another sip of her coffee as her mind raced. He was out of the military, did that mean he was moving home? “Are you staying in town?”
“I’m renting a place for now. I’m not sure if I’ll hang my hat here permanently, but it’s nice to be back with my family.”
“Your mother must be overjoyed to have you home.”
“She is, my dad too. I wasn’t around for a lot. It was really hard on them.”
“Oh?” She wanted to ask him what he’d missed and why, but didn’t want him to clam up and shut down.
“Things have been…not great, for a while.”
“I hear you on that.” She sighed.
Even after all this time she still felt inherently comfortable around Ben. Usually she did everything she could to hide how she was feeling and just how much life was affecting her, but she didn’t want to hide from Ben. He was still the only person she was able to open up to, and he was a virtual stranger now.
“Are you not happy?”
She looked away and put her cup down. “Not really.”
“I’m sorry.”
“It’s not your fault.”
“Isn’t it?”
“It took me a long time to figure this out, Ben, but no. The crap in my life isn’t your fault. You broke my heart and set me on a different path than I thought I’d be on, but my choices are what put me in the place I am now.”
“I still feel responsible.”
“I never felt you were.”
“You’re amazing, Allie.” He shook his head. “I half expected you to rip me a new one after what happened.”
“It was a long time ago.”
“You still have every right to hate me.”
“I never hated you.”
“No?”
“No.” She sighed. “I was confused and angry for a long time, and heartbroken for even longer, but I never hated you or wished ill on you. I didn’t understand why, but figured whatever reason you had made sense to you.”
“It did make sense to me.”
“That’s what I thought. I knew you, Ben. I knew what a good heart you had. There must have been a reason for what happened. A few months apart wouldn’t have been enough time for your entire personality to change.”
“I’m still sorry I hurt you.”
“I believe you.” She nodded and looked away for a moment. “Are you happy?”
“Not really. Not in a long time.” He shook his head and ran his hand through his hair distractedly. “Shit, this is the first time I’ve been able to admit that out loud to someone.”
“Really?”
“I’ve been pretending for so long. Trying to make sure the guys in my unit didn’t catch on, that the shrinks and the padres I was forced to talk to didn’t figure it out. I had to hide it from my parents and sister and by default everyone I met. I knew it, but could never admit it to anyone. Then one conversation with you and I’m spilling my guts.”
“I’m in the same boat.” She reached across the table and put her hand over his. The moment her skin touched his a jolt of pure electricity went through her and she shivered involuntarily. “There’s something about you that made me tell you the truth when I usually do my damnedest to hide it from everyone.”
“Is it strange to say you still feel like you?” He flipped his hand over so he could press their palms together.
There was that feeling again. The one where she felt electricity and desire and familiarity rush through her all at the same time.
“No, because I know exactly what you mean.”
“Do you want to get out of here?”
Allie felt her body tighten as a flush moved over her skin. Ben was giving her the look he used to, the one that said he wanted nothing more than to devour her.
At that moment she didn’t care about anything except living in the moment. It had been almost a year since she’d been with someone and she missed sex. She missed feeling a hard body over hers, hands running over her skin, and the connection of sharing herself with someone.
She wanted to experience what it would be like to be with Ben again, now that she had some experience and he might have gained some stamina. They’d been nineteen the last time they’d been together, and she’d been a virgin while he’d been a speedster. It had been great at the time, but she had a feeling things would be a lot different now.
“Let’s go.” She nodded and stood.
This was probably one of the rashest and more reckless decisions of her life, but she wasn’t going to talk herself out of it.
She was going to sleep with a man who hadn’t promised her a damn thing. Who’d randomly come back into her life a decade and a half after breaking her heart. She had no idea if he was fucking her because she was familiar, available, or desirable, but she didn’t care. He couldn’t break her heart a second time, not unless she gave it to him again.
Chapter Fifteen
A part of Ben was shocked when Allie didn’t run screaming from him the moment he suggested leaving. They’d spoken for maybe twenty minutes after fourteen years apart, and he’d offered her sex.
From the moment he’d sat down and they’d begun talking, every feeling he’d ever had for her had come rushing back. He’d remembered how her lips had felt on his skin as he’d watched her talk. He could almost feel her soft hand running over his body as she’d held his hand. The emotions he’d felt had been strong, and his physical desire for her had been almost palpable.
He wasn’t a monk. He’d been with his share of women since he and Allie had broken up, but no one had ever affected him the way she had.
While he’d been overseas he’d been celibate. Even after breaking up with Allie he’d kept to himself. Fraternization was strictly forbidden but it happened, a lot. There weren’t many women on the base but a few of them had shown him interest, only they weren’t Allie. After his tour had been over it had been almost six months before
he’d felt the desire to be with someone again, and that had started a decade of short term and really short term relationships with a liberal sprinkling of one night stands mixed in. He’d spent his entire twenties going from casual fling to meaningless relationship, but by the time he’d turned thirty it had gotten old.
In the past three years he’d essentially stayed away from sex and relationships. He’d had a few casual things with exes or friends just to take the edge off when it had been too long, but there had been no promise of anything more than sex.
Allie was the only woman he’d ever loved. He wasn’t sure if it was because he’d closed himself off to ever feeling love again after they’d broken up, or because he’d never found another woman like her.
He wasn’t sure what he felt for her now, but he wanted her. Every fiber of his being was screaming for her, and it was taking all of his self-control not to pull her into his arms and kiss her breathless.
“Do you want to come to my place?” she asked as she came around the table and stood in front of him.
Fuck she was hot. She’d definitely mastered using her eyes to seduce someone. The way she was looking at him, biting her lip as she waited for his response, was incredibly hot. He wondered what else she did now that she hadn’t done back then.
“I have to get to mine, is that okay?”
“Sure. Did you drive?”
“I did. You?”
“Yes.”
“Meet me there?”
“Address?”
“2120 Lamira Way. It’s off Elkin and Bronson.”
“I know the area. Meet you there?”
“God yes.” He had to bite back his groan as Allie raked her eyes up his body, letting him see the passion and desire she was feeling for him. “Are you okay around dogs?”
“What?” She looked confused at the sudden change in conversation, and he didn’t blame her.
“Dogs. I have a dog.”
“Oh, yeah. I love dogs.”
“Great, so my place?”
“Your place.”
She fell into step beside him as they left the shop, then stayed by his side as he headed toward his car. He was about to ask her where she’d parked when she pulled a set of keys with a remote starter out of her hand and clicked the button. The car next to his beeped as it unlocked.
Allie didn’t saw a word as they went up to their cars, she just shook her head and laughed. He grinned at her and pulled open his door. Out of all of the parking spaces in the lot, somehow they’d ended up parked next to each other.
Ben climbed into his car and started it up, waiting a few seconds before putting it in gear. As he pulled out of the lot he saw Allie pull her car out behind him. It looked like she’d follow him back to his house.
He had no idea where her head was at or what she was looking for. He didn’t even know what he wanted or what he could offer. Right now all he knew was that he was getting another chance to be with the only woman he’d ever craved, the only one he’d never been able to shake or forget.
He was getting the chance to experience her as an adult, after they’d both had a chance to find their sexual identities.
* * * * *
Allie didn’t think as she followed Ben’s car. She just drove behind him and kept her thoughts on the fact that she was driving, and off the fact that she was going to Ben’s place to have sex with him.
He drove them to a decent area that was only a few minutes away from their old high school. It was a rental housing development that consisted mostly of row houses and some duplexes. It was a decent area and as far as she knew the rents were fair. A part of her was surprised he’d settle into a house if he wasn’t planning on staying permanently. An apartment would be a lot less work and a lot cheaper.
He lived off the main street on the outskirts of the development. She watched him pull into a parking spot in front of a rather large duplex, and looked around for a visitors’ lot. She was about to drive down to the end of the block when she saw the space next to him had a ‘V’ on the pole in front of it. It looked like he had his own visitor spot.
She pulled into the space and turned off her car. Ben had already climbed out and was waiting for her on the sidewalk.
Taking a deep breath she put her hand on the car door and pushed it open. It wasn’t until she was climbing out of her car that she realized she wasn’t nervous. They both knew why she was there and she knew it was nothing more than a hook-up between past lovers.
Normally she would have been nervous. Allie wasn’t cold or frigid, but she had a crippling fear of rejection, and had a hard time finding her confidence if she wasn’t familiar or comfortable with the person she was with. The best sexual encounters she’d had always happened after a few drinks, when her inhibitions were stripped away and she could be in the moment and stop overthinking everything.
She hadn’t had a drink since last night, and currently had a bucket load of caffeine booting through her system which was making her hyperaware of everything. She hoped she could keep her nerves at bay. If she was only going to have one more time with Ben then she wanted to experience everything.
When she was out of her car she pressed the lock button on her remote starter, and walked up to where he was waiting for her. His expression was so dark, so male and intense, she shivered slightly. When he reached out for her hand another pulse of electricity shot through her body and she had to stifle a gasp. If him holding her hand could make her react so strongly, what the hell would happen to her when he kissed her?
“Come on.” His voice was low and rumbled slightly as he nodded for her to follow him up the path to his house. She just swallowed and fell into step beside him.
She waited as he unlocked the door, but before opening it and leading her inside he paused and turned to her.
“Zeus is a service dog. When he sees us holding hands he’ll know you’re not a threat and he’ll accept you as a friend. He’s big and looks mean, but he’s a giant softie. Are you okay with all that?”
“Yeah.” She nodded and gripped his hand a little tighter. “Can I pet him if he’s a working dog?”
“You can.” He grinned. “Just let him come to you.”
“Okay.” She nodded again and waited as he opened the door.
As soon as the door swung open Allie understood why Ben had opted for a house over an apartment. There was an absolutely huge German Shepherd sitting right in front of the door. It was the biggest one she’d ever seen, and for a moment she was scared.
The dog was staring at her, almost as though it was sizing her up. His tail wasn’t wagging and his tongue wasn’t out. He wasn’t showing any of the familiar markers of being happy or friendly, and she was afraid he might attack her.
After a very long and tense moment Zeus got up and backed away from the door. Ben stepped inside first and pulled her in behind him.
“Hey buddy, this is Allie. Can you say hi to her?”
Allie held her breath as Zeus looked at her and then looked at her and Ben’s entwined hands. As soon as his gaze settled on their hands his face was transformed. His mouth dropped open so his tongue could fall out of his mouth, and his eyes widened. His tail wagged so hard it looked as though his butt might flop over if he wasn’t careful, and he bounded toward them.
She had no idea how a dog as big as Zeus could leap and bound so gracefully, but couldn’t help smiling as he came to a halt in front of her.
“Hi Zeus,” she said softly as she put out her free hand, and crouched down a bit so she wasn’t looming over him. “How are you?”
Zeus sniffed her hand and then slipped his head under her palm so it was resting on the top of his head. Then he looked up at her with begging eyes and she giggled.
“Good boy. You’re such a sweetie.” She rubbed her hand over his head, smiling as he pushed against her palm, forcing her to pet him harder. “It’s nice to meet you, too.”
Zeus closed his eyes for a moment and she swore he was grinning as she pet him. He
might be huge, but Ben was right. He was a sweet dog.
“Okay buddy. Give daddy and Allie some alone time.”
Zeus’ eyes snapped open and he pulled his head away from her hand. His tongue darted out and he licked her fingers playfully before turning to Ben.
“Yes, Zeus. I’m happy to see you too.” Ben rubbed Zeus’ head for a second, and when Zeus seemed placated he whirled around and bounded away.
She felt Ben grip her hand a little tighter and turned to look at him. The moment her eyes landed on his she felt her breath catch. He was absolutely smoldering. Every thought outside of getting him upstairs to his room so she could rip his clothes off flew from her mind and her body tightened almost painfully.
Ben gave her a secret smile and pulled her into the house.
She didn’t think as she followed him up the stairs. She didn’t worry about what was going to happen, and if she would be able to let go as he brought her into a bedroom. Her mind went absolutely blank as he closed the door behind them and pressed her up against it.
“Oh!” She gasped as he moved his body so it was right up against hers, pushing her against the hard door.
“Allie,” he breathed as he moved his head so his lips were hovering right over hers.
“God, Ben.” She could barely think, hardly breathe, as his eyes bore into hers. All she could see was heat and desire, and wetness pooled between her legs as her nipples hardened against her bra.
Suddenly she could feel him growing hard against her abdomen, and almost whimpered as he gently ground his erection against her.
“Fuck.” She was having a hard time breathing. Every fiber of her being was tight and ready for him. She wanted him so badly she actually ached.
No one had ever had this much of an effect on her, and she let her eyes flutter closed as his lips moved toward hers.
His kiss was soft and exploratory. She’d expected it to be hot and hard, even a little rushed. In her experience kissing was the precursor to touching, and after the touching came sex. Men didn’t linger on the kissing or the touching because it was all about sex, not foreplay.