by A. T Brennan
When she’d come to his house the only thing on her mind was having one more night with Ben. One night of sex so she could experience what it was like to be with him as an adult. Confessing what had happened to her had never been part of the plan, and she had to wonder why she’d told him.
He’d opened up and confessed something big to her, but she’d spilled her deepest and darkest demon to him without a second thought. After spending so long bottling it up inside, never even seeking help beyond testing for STIs and pregnancy, and never telling her friends the truth.
Ben was the first person she’d ever told the whole story to, and he was a virtual stranger now.
“Allie, look at me.”
At his words she blinked her eyes and shook her head slightly. She hadn’t even realized she’d stopped crying and was laying against him passive and limp.
“Allie, what happened to you isn’t your fault. I know how you used to be. You always internalized everything and blamed yourself for anything that happened around you. This had nothing to do with you and there’s nothing you did to cause it, and there’s nothing you could have done to prevent it.”
She bit her lip as adrenaline poured out of her glands and swirled through her body. He’d just touched on her deepest fear about the whole incident. She blamed herself.
“If you ever believe anything I tell you, believe this. That asshole did this. It was him. It doesn’t matter if you flirted or what you were wearing. It doesn’t matter if you took the drinks or if you were thinking about leaving with him. He took your power away because he’s a sick, disgusting excuse for a man. He did this to you. Him, not you.”
“How can you still know me like this?” she asked softly, blinking back a fresh layer of tears. She was done crying about what had happened. She was done letting him make her feel like she was still a victim.
“You were my best friend for eleven years. We might be older and have lived separate lives, but I don’t believe you’d ever fundamentally change who you are.”
“You still feel like you, if that makes any sense.”
“I thought the same thing when you shook my hand.”
“I don’t know what any of this means.”
“Neither do I.”
“I don’t know what I want or what I can handle.”
“I’ve been trying to figure that out for years.”
“Can I ask you something?”
“Of course.”
“Why do you have Zeus? Normally people get service dogs for a reason…”
He looked at her and then sighed. “I have PTSD.”
“And that’s why you got out?”
“I tried to deal with it. I tried for years to put it aside and compartmentalize it. There was a lot of shit that built-up and I couldn’t handle it. I kept quiet and tried to push past it, but then four years ago I was in a training accident. We were on our way to the range when the Jeep I was in rolled over. I was lucky. When we settled two other guys in the Jeep weren’t. Ian, the driver, he hadn’t put on his seatbelt and had ended up under the Jeep. Kevin, in the back behind me, hit the rollbar and broke his neck. I walked away with only scratches from the shattering glass. They both died.”
“I’m so sorry, I can only imagine how hard that was for you.”
“It fucked me up. I did three tours overseas. I saw a lot of guys get hurt, a lot die, but other than some superficial shit I survived. I was one of the lucky ones. The big difference with the accident was that we were at home. We were only a few clicks from the base, and it was a Tuesday morning.” He shook his head and closed his eyes for a moment, his arm tightening around her slightly. “It was a routine exercise. We’d done it a dozen times and should have been out and back in a few hours. When I was on tour I expected shit to happen. You didn’t leave the FOB, sorry, forward operating base, without expecting to be shot at and to have to shoot back. We knew that every time we got in a vehicle it could drive over a mine and every trip out could be our last.
“I made it through all of that when so many didn’t, my own fucking men didn’t, and then I lost two friends at home where we were supposed to be safe.”
“Do you feel guilty for surviving?” she asked softly.
“Every damn day.”
“It’s not your fault. You know that, right?”
“I do, but I can’t help thinking that at least one of those times it should have been me. Why was I so lucky when I was right there?”
“You mean the car accident?”
“Not just that.” He shook his head and then kissed her hair. She could tell he was struggling with telling her about this. He was staring straight up at the ceiling and his body was tense and rigid.
“You don’t have to tell me if it’s too hard.” The last thing she wanted to do was trigger and hurt him.
“I’m okay. I feel the need to tell you, if that makes sense.”
“It does.” She nodded. “Do you need Zeus?”
He shook his head and looked into her eyes.
“Tell me what you need, okay? Tell me if I’m making things harder or if you need something—”
“I just need you.”
“You’ve got me.”
His jaw tightened at her words and he nodded.
“I watched a lot of men die. Friendlies and enemies. Ours and theirs. Some standing next to me, or in front of me would get hit, blown up, and I’d be fine. I seemed to have a horseshoe up my ass, and better men than me were dying when it could have been me.
“When we were in camp it was relatively safe. There were a few times we had to worry about mortars or other attacks, but it was the one place we could relax and try to forget where we were. At the end of my third tour one of the men under me was struggling. I was trying to get him out of there, to get him home, but the fucking paperwork was taking forever. We were short bodies and they were dragging their heels. One night I went to check on him. I’d managed to arrange a Skype call with his wife for later that night and I wanted to give him something to look forward to. I was halfway there when I heard a single shot…”
“Oh god…”
“I should have taken his gun. I knew he wasn’t stable. I knew he was struggling, but I was so busy trying to arrange a transfer I didn’t think of what he might do in the meantime. I wasn’t worried about him hurting one of ours so I never thought of him hurting himself.”
“Ben, you can’t blame yourself for that.”
“He had his gun because I didn’t take it from him.”
“Do you really think that would have stopped him? I have no idea what it’s like on a base, but wouldn’t he have access to other guns?”
“Yeah.” He looked down at her.
“If he was determined to do it, to take his own life, then he would have found a way. You were trying to help him. You saw what he was going through and you were trying to get him help. That’s what you need to focus on. Your actions, not his.”
“It’s hard not to play the ‘what if’ game.”
“I know, believe me.”
“I’ve never been able to tell anyone that. Not the whole story.”
“No?”
“No.” He shifted her so she was laying over his body and he could look up at her. “That incident with Vince fucked me up. Seeing my friends, the men I was supposed to be in charge of and keeping safe hurt and dying…holding bloody hands and lying to them as they were dying, telling them they were going to be fine when I knew they weren’t. I’ve written dozens and dozens, if not hundreds, of letters to widows and kids who lost their dads, parents who lost a son. Girlfriends, boyfriends, even grandparents. If there was someone on their file then I wrote them a letter telling them about their loved one. I tried to give the last moments of their life meaning, and made the letters as personal as I could so they felt like someone cared. That their lives mattered and they weren’t just a number. I wanted to make sure they knew I would always remember them as a person and hold a part of them with me. I wanted to make sure th
ey knew how much I cared about them.”
She just stared at him as he held her tight.
“I came home. I was one of the lucky ones. I don’t know why or how those bullets, the RPGs and the IEDs missed me. I have no idea how I survived three fucking years over there while some guys didn’t even see a week. I just knew that I had to make their families understand that their sacrifice wasn’t in vain. They weren’t just a number or a rank or a name on a wall. They were my friends, my brothers…”
Allie shifted up his body as tears spilled over his eyes. He was crying silently, the same as he used to when they were kids.
“You did a wonderful thing, Ben. You gave their families closure and you did exactly what you set out to. You showed them that their son or husband or brother was loved and he wasn’t alone. He mattered and his legacy would always live on.”
“The first letter I wrote, I was still a private. It was during my first tour, three weeks in. I was a nobody and I barely knew Tim, but all I could think about was what my death would do to my parents, my family. To you. I couldn’t let it go and I wrote three letters. I sent one to his mom, his dad and his sister, and I felt like I was writing to my own family.”
“And you kept doing it?”
“Every time.” He nodded. “I heard back from a lot of them thanking me, and a few stayed in touch for a while. Some of the letters were returned unopened and others wrote back and poured their anger and grief onto me.”
“I’m so sorry.”
“I was just glad they had an outlet. It’s better they lashed out at me, a stranger, than their family or kids. If they needed to curse me out and use me as a sounding board to help get over their anger than I was glad to be there.”
“You have an incredible heart, Ben. I’ve known that since the day I met you, but you’ve only become kinder and better.”
“You do too, Allie. I’ve always thought you were the kindest and most resilient person I’ve ever known.”
“I don’t feel so resilient now.”
“Trust me when I say you’re one of the strongest people I know. You’ve dealt with so much. Things no child or woman ever should, and you’re still perfect.”
“I’m far from perfect.” She shook her head and gave him a small smile.
“Join the club.” He grinned, all traces of his tears or bad mood gone.
“As long as I get to be president.”
“Fine, but I get to be your second.”
“Deal.” She glanced up and saw a clock next to the bed. It was getting late. “I have to work tomorrow. I should get home.”
“Yeah, and I need to clean up.” He grinned. “Things are a little…”
“Crusty?”
“Gross. I was going to say dry.”
“That works too.”
He leaned up to give her a kiss and squeezed her tight.
She closed her eyes and pulled as much comfort and familiarity out of the hug as she could. She had no idea what the hell was going on or what she was doing. Right then she just wanted to enjoy his hug and think about all that crap later.
Chapter Sixteen
Ben didn’t sleep for shit after Allie left. Physically he was satisfied and tired, but his mind wouldn’t shut down.
He never could have guessed meeting up with Allie would lead to them in bed together, again. On one level he’d hoped there might still be something there on her end, and he’d wondered if what he thought he felt was real.
Seeing her had confirmed that he was still physically attracted to her, and talking with her had confirmed that he was still in love with her.
He’d been trying to shake her for fourteen years. Ever since the night he’d written her that letter she’d been on his mind. When he’d come home from his tour it had taken everything he had to not call or email her. He’d wanted so badly to reach out to her, just to hear her voice. He’d needed his best friend, but he couldn’t be selfish. Ending things had been the best thing he could have done for her, but now he was worried he’d made a mistake.
Even though he’d hated the thought, he’d hoped Allie would find happiness. He’d wanted her to get married, have kids, and enjoy her life. He’d hoped she’d finish her education and get a good job so she could finally have some stability in her life. He’d wanted her to have lots of friends and people she could count on, and he’d hoped her family would be able to patch things up.
From what she’d told him none of that had happened for her. She had a good job, but it wasn’t connected to her field of study. She may have friends but she’d hinted at being isolated and alone. She hadn’t mentioned a significant relationship, she was single now so she obviously hadn’t found her match, and she wasn’t a mom.
She wasn’t happy. Something terrible, unfathomable, had happened to her and he had a feeling it wasn’t the only trauma to have befallen her since they last spoke. He’d tried to give her a chance at a better life, and instead he’d opened her up to loneliness and even violence.
He glanced down at Zeus and sighed. He wanted a drink, but he’d been sober for almost six months now. With all the progress he’d made and the effort he’d put into getting healthier and to stop self-medicating, he couldn’t give in. The house was dry anyway, so if he was going to drink than he would have to get up and go to the store.
“Why can’t I be a dog?” He chuckled as Zeus rolled over so his belly was up and he was lying on Ben’s feet. “Ow. You’re getting heavy there, tubs.”
Zeus snorted at him and waved his legs around.
“Fine, you win.” He bent down and rubbed Zeus’s strong stomach. “You’re a good boy. What did you think of Allie?”
Zeus’s tail started thumping on the floor as he wagged it.
“Yeah, I like her too. What would you say to her being around a bit more?”
Zeus’s tail slapped against the floor as his tongue fell out of his mouth in a doggy grin.
“You really like her, huh?” He ran his hand up to pet Zeus’s chest. “I don’t know what’s going on, but maybe you’ll get to see more of her.”
Zeus gave him another one of his doggy grins, and then rolled so he was sitting and looked up at the ceiling.
“I know. It’s late.” Ben sighed. “I can’t sleep.”
Zeus put one of his paws on Ben’s knee.
“No, buddy. It’s not like that. It’s Allie. She’s in my head and I can’t figure out what to do.”
Zeus tilted his head slightly and then looked back up at the ceiling.
“You want to go to bed?” Zeus perked up and stood, pointing himself at the living room door. “Fine, go ahead. I’ll be up when I finish turning off the lights. And don’t you lay down on my spot tonight. Stay on your side of the bed.”
Zeus barked once and then bounded out into the hall and up the stairs.
Ben just shook his head and grinned in spite of his thoughts and mood. He’d resisted getting Zeus because he’d been afraid to admit he had a problem. Now he couldn’t imagine his life without him.
* * * * *
When Ben woke up the next morning he didn’t feel any better. He’d tossed and turned and when he’d finally fallen asleep just before dawn he’d woken up less than three hours later.
One positive thing from his military training was he could usually force himself to go back to sleep, even if he was wide awake and up for a while. Today it didn’t work.
He was awake and there was no way he was getting back to sleep.
He got up, fed Zeus and made himself two huge cups of coffee, hoping to get a little bit of a buzz from the caffeine. After tidying up his living room he gave up and changed into his running gear and loaded Zeus into the car. There was a challenging nature trail about half an hour from his complex. Not many people used it at this time of the year so he and Zeus should be alone. He could run and keep Zeus off leash and give him a bit of a workout too.
Running was one of the few things that still calmed his mind when he was struggling. He could focus on pu
tting one foot in front of the other. On running one more mile, or even break it down into smaller steps. It kept his brain busy and gave him a chance to process while it gave him a runner’s high.
Outside of Zeus it was the best therapy he had, and it was a hell of a lot better for him than the gallons of beer he used to pour down his throat to try and deal with life.
As he drove out to the trail he glanced at Zeus and sighed. He would have to make a decision about where he was going to live. He was on a month-to-month lease now. If he decided to stay he would have to look into going long term, or maybe buying a place. If he was going to leave he would have to figure out where the hell he would go. Either way he needed to make his living situation permanent, and find a job.
While he’d been in the military he’d lived frugally. He’d lived on base as much as he could to save money, and always rented a cheap and small apartment when barracks weren’t a possibility. He didn’t travel, and he always bought his cars second hand and did whatever work he could on them himself, and he wasn’t into clothes or buying fancy things. The only reason he’d rented a house now was because Zeus needed the room and a yard. Because of his frugality he had a lot of money saved up, and with his benefits he would be fine not working for a long time, but that wasn’t what he wanted.
He needed a job and a purpose. He needed a reason to wake up and go somewhere each day, to feel like he was doing something and contributing. He’d had a full time job since he was eighteen and he missed feeling useful.
“What do you say, buddy? Want to go for a nice, long run and figure shit out?” He glanced at Zeus and grinned when he saw the look Zeus gave him. “How about you tell me what I should do? Should I stay here and start acting like a grown up? Or should I start over somewhere and build a new life?”
Zeus looked at him and barked once.
“Yeah, I know. I have to figure this out myself. You’re just here for the ride.”
Zeus looked back out at the road, his tongue hanging out as he watched the scenery pass by.
“Thanks for being here buddy,” he said softly, smiling as Zeus caught sight of a spaniel type dog in a car they were currently passing. He didn’t bark or freak out, but he pressed his face right against the window and stared the other dog down until they were clear.