The Way We Were (Solitary Soldiers Book 2)

by A. T Brennan

  “Your feelings? Your fucking feelings, Ben? Sorry I didn’t put you first here, but I’m the one who’s fucking pregnant.”

  “With my child!”

  “In my body!”

  “So that trumps everything?”

  “You said it was my choice.”

  “So what do you choose? Are you keeping it?”

  “Yes, I’m keeping it.”

  “And what about me? Am I just an ATM or—”

  “The stick isn’t even dry yet. I took the damn test and called you as soon as I read the results. I haven’t thought about any of this and I can still barely wrap my brain around the fact that you knocked me up.”

  “I already apologized about not putting a condom on. I lost my head, but you didn’t stop me.”

  “Just like I didn’t stop you fifteen years ago.”

  “What?”

  “At your grad. You forgot then too. Why are you the only man I’m so careless with? I’ve never, ever gone without before you, and I let you do it twice.”

  “We were young. We hadn’t seen each other in months and we hadn’t been sleeping together for long. It happened but it wasn’t a big deal. You couldn’t have gotten pregnant then. I was clean, you were a virgin before me. Why would you even think about that now—”

  “Because it was the same then.”

  “What?” His voice dropped to almost a whisper.

  She’d been angry and feeling overwhelmed so she’d lashed out at him. For some stupid reason that had come tumbling out of her mouth and it was too late to try and take it back. She would have to tell him the truth.

  “That night, evening, whatever. I told you it was right after my period. It wasn’t. It was the middle of my cycle again. You were about to leave for AIT and I didn’t want to freak you out.”

  “You lied to me, and then kept lying for two weeks? How could you not tell me?”

  “I didn’t lie for two weeks.” She bit her lip, contemplating if she should tell him the whole truth.

  What she’d done had weighed on her for years. She couldn’t only tell him half the truth. For her own sanity and because he deserved to hear everything, she would tell him.

  “I went to the hospital the next day and got the morning after pill. I took it and I never told a soul.”

  “But…how…why…?”

  “I couldn’t wait to know if I was or wasn’t. I wasn’t ready to have a baby. The thought of having one and giving it away was too much, and I was afraid I wouldn’t go through with an abortion. Plus there was more than just me to think about. You helped make it so I would have had to do what we decided.”

  “And instead of letting me make a decision you took care of it and never told me?”

  “I was eighteen and terrified. I was about to start college and you were halfway across the country. I was scared and felt alone and did the only thing I could think to protect myself. You said it was my choice this time, so it wouldn’t have been back then?”

  “It would always have been your choice.” She could hear his voice shaking slightly. He was angry but trying to keep calm. “I understand why you decided to take the pill, and I mostly likely would have agreed with you back then. I’m not pissed you did it, I’m angry that you lied and kept that from me.”

  “I’ve never told anyone about that. Not a soul until now.”

  “What else did you keep from me?”

  “That was it.”

  “Did you ever fuck your college roommate?”

  “Casey? Where the fuck did that come from?”

  “Did you?”

  “No, not once.”

  “No?”

  “No. We were friends. I lived with him until we both graduated, but we were never physically involved with each other.” She bit her lip. It was much easier asking him these questions on the phone. “Did you ever cheat on me?”

  “I never even considered it.”

  “And when you dumped me? Was it for another woman?”

  “No, Allie. That had nothing to do with anyone but me. I didn’t sleep with another woman until almost six months after I came home from my tour.”

  “Oh.”

  “How long did you wait, after we broke up?”

  “Does it matter?”

  “It does to me.”

  “Over a year.”

  “Oh.”

  She wanted to ask him why he’d ever sent her that stupid letter, but kept her mouth shut. With everything going on at the moment, she might not be able to handle the truth.

  “So what are we going to do?” he asked slowly. “How are we going to figure this out?”

  “I’m going to call my doctor tomorrow and make an appointment, start the medical part of it as soon as I can.”

  “And me? Us?”

  “I don’t know.”

  “Can we talk about this in person? I really hate phones and this isn’t something we can just figure out on a whim.”

  “You’re right. When?”

  “Tomorrow after work?”

  “Do you want to come here again?”

  “Sure, what time?”

  “I’ll be home by six, so how about eight? That way I have a chance to change and get something to eat.”

  “Eight is fine.”

  “Okay. I’ll talk to you then.”

  “Yeah.”

  The phone went dead in her hand and she put it on the table. He hadn’t seemed angry until she’d told him about her first and only other pregnancy scare, and that was because she’d lied to him. He’d been shocked, but had sounded happy at the same time.

  She had no idea what she was going to do, she just knew that tomorrow would be a very long day.

  Chapter Nineteen

  A day had never felt so long in all of his life.

  After hanging up with Allie, Ben had spent most of the night sitting in an easy chair with Zeus at his feet, trying not to think about what Allie had told him.

  He was still reeling from the fact that he’d gotten her pregnant. They’d had sex twice, and the one time he forgets to put on the damn condom is when she was fertile.

  He also couldn’t stop thinking about what she’d told him. When he’d forgotten to put on a condom the first time, in the bathroom at that restaurant, he’d been freaked out. When she’d told him she couldn’t get pregnant he’d relaxed, and when she’d never mentioned it again he’d pushed it to the back of his mind and never really thought of it again.

  Now he finds out she lied to him and hid the truth all these years. He wasn’t angry about her taking the pill, he’d been honest about that. He was angry that she’d felt she had to hide it from him.

  He would have bet money that she’d never lied to him, and then he finds out she’d lied about something huge, and the part that was killing him was how she’d had to go through that alone. He had no idea if that incident was something she’d held onto or let go of after it had happened, but either way she’d had to make that choice alone.

  He had to wonder if she’d been completely honest about other things, or if that was one of many lies she’d told him. He understood why she’d done it, and back then he would have said the same thing—it was her body so it was her choice.

  Neither of them had been ready to be parents, especially considering their circumstances. It had been a stupid, youthful mistake fueled by lust. He’d thought it was a non-issue, and now he finds out the truth.

  He didn’t know what to think about her lie or what she’d done.

  The other thing weighing on his mind was what that meant for him and Allie. Even before his dumbass mistake he’d wanted to see more of her. He liked her, remembered why he’d loved her, and was pretty sure that love was still there.

  She was different now, they both were, but they still seemed to fit.

  Fourteen years ago he’d made a choice trying to protect both of them. He’d been so sure he’d done the right thing at the time, but wasn’t so sure now.

  The only thing he knew for certa
in was how the one thing he’d been running from had happened anyway, and he and Allie would be connected for the rest of their lives not matter what.

  * * * * *

  After his near sleepless night Ben spent the following day puttering around and waiting until he could go over to Allie’s place.

  He took Zeus for another long run, changed the oil in his car since it was getting colder, and did some groceries.

  By the time he’d finished everything it was only two in the afternoon.

  He tried to read but couldn’t concentrate. He turned on the TV but nothing kept his attention for longer than a few minutes. He cleaned, that took up a few hours, and then he called his sister to check in.

  When he’d left the military Nicole had made a real effort to make sure he was doing okay. She’d called him every night at 7 p.m. for three months to make sure he had someone looking in on him, and to make sure he wasn’t slipping.

  She was the one who’d convinced him to accept the recommendation that he get Zeus. Even now she called him every Sunday and had made him promise to call her at least once a week to talk.

  He didn’t have any real friends outside of the men he’d served with and most of them were either still in and busy, or struggling worse than him now that they were out. Nicole was the only person he could talk to when something was bothering him, and he was beyond grateful to have her in his life.

  “Heya big bro.” Nicole answered on the fourth ring.

  “Are you working right now?”

  “Not at the moment. What’s up?”

  “Usually you ask how I’m doing.”

  “True, but you sound like you have the weight of the world on you.”

  “I feel like I do.”

  “Is it your PTSD?”

  “Not this time.”

  “Oh, then what is it?”

  “Allie.”

  “You got in touch with her? How is she? I still feel bad for losing touch with her after you left.”

  “She’s good, sort of. That’s kind of why I called?”

  “Oh?”

  “I called her after you told me about seeing her. We met up for coffee, caught up…”

  “Just in the coffee shop, or in bed too?”

  He wasn’t exactly comfortable telling his sister too many details of his sex life, but was happy she was open and willing to talk to him about whatever he needed to say.

  “In bed too.”

  “And? Not how was it, but what happened after?”

  “We met up again, went on a date, and slept together again.”

  “I feel there’s more to this story.”

  “I fucked up.”

  “What do you mean? There’s no way in hell you would have hurt her…is she pregnant?”

  “Yeah.”

  “Wow…how are you handling the news?”

  “I’m confused.”

  “Try talking it out.”

  “You promise not to tell Mom or Dad? I don’t want them to hear this until I know what’s going on.”

  “I swear. This is your news. I’m just here to listen and help if I can.”

  “Thanks.”

  “So, what are you thinking?”

  “I’m happy, but terrified.”

  “Understandable.”

  “I don’t know what it means for us…what it’s going to mean.”

  “You guys didn’t make any plans before it happened?”

  “We’d had one casual meeting to catch up and one date. We were still testing the waters, figuring things out.”

  “Is she going to keep it?”

  “Yes.”

  “And that’s what you want too?”

  “It is. I never thought it would be, but it is.”

  “And now you’ve got this huge thing looming over you and everything is all messed up.”

  “Pretty much.”

  “What does she want?”

  “I don’t know.”

  “What do you want?”

  “I don’t know that either.”

  “Do you want to be co-parents, or do you want to be partners?”

  “Partners.” The answer came out so fast he didn’t even have to think about it.

  “And do you think Allie wants the same?”

  “I have no idea. She’s overwhelmed right now. This is so surreal and crazy for me, I can only imagine what she’s going through. My part is done until she gives birth. From now on all the stress and reality is on her.”

  “You sound like you still really care about her.”

  “I do.”

  “Ben, can I be frank for a second?”

  “Sure, but I don’t know why you bothered to ask. You always are.”

  “True, but this is something I’ve held back saying since you told me why you broke up with her.”

  “Oh. Yeah sure. Talk away.”

  “I honestly don’t remember a time when Allie wasn’t around. I grew up with her being part of my life and I used to think of her as a big sister. When you two got engaged I thought you were a bit young but I wasn’t surprised. I may have been a dumb teenager, but even I could see how you looked at each other and how perfect you were together. I was jealous because you found your soulmate so early and you would get to have all this time with her while I would have to search for mine.”

  “Nic—”

  “I’m not telling you that for sympathy or for you to feel bad. I’m happy with Eric. He’s my soulmate and I might not have found him until I was in my twenties, but I still found him. You, on the other hand, had true love, and you let it go.”

  “You know why I had to.”

  “I understand why you thought you did, and why you did in that moment. The part I never understood was why you didn’t try to get her back after you got home.”

  “Things hadn’t changed that much. I was doing it for her. To make sure she had the chance to be happy.”

  “And was she? Her mom died a horrible death in front of her. Her dad is MIA and something made her move home after being gone since college. Is she really happy?”

  “No. She’s not.”

  “And are you?”

  “No.”

  “Have you ever been? I mean, really and truly happy. Where you wake up and go to bed feeling safe and secure and content with your life. Bad shit happens and it can weigh us down, but when you’re happy it’s something that’s there but it’s manageable.”

  “I spent a lot of time doing shit that no one would be happy doing.”

  “I don’t mean always being happy. I guess a better word is settled. After everything you’ve gone through, have you ever felt settled?”

  “No. Not since I went on my first tour.”

  “And what do you feel for Allie? Answer honestly. Say the first word that pops into your head when I say her name.”

  “I love her. I barely know her now, but I still love her.”

  “I don’t think you ever stopped.”

  “No. You’re right. I never stopped.”

  “And you spent so much time running from your feelings that now you’re not sure how to feel them.”

  “Since when did you get your PhD in psychology?”

  “I know you. I know how you work.”

  “If she wasn’t pregnant it would be so much easier.”

  “What are you worried about? That she’ll keep the kid from you? Only want you to pay for half of everything?”

  “She’d never do that. Her heart is too big to be vengeful like that.”

  “Are you worried she doesn’t want more? That you’ll be friends who share a child, instead of a family?”

  “Yeah.” He let out a breath and leaned back on the couch cushion. “I’m afraid that I’m the only one thinking of family and love. I have no idea where her head is at or what she wants. She’s obviously still attracted to me and likes me on some level, but how deep does it go?”

  “Being vulnerable in front of someone is the hardest thing in the world. They have the power to crush
and destroy you, and there’s always that fear of rejection hovering in the back of your head. I’m the same way.”

  “What if she agrees to be with me but it’s only because of the baby? What if she sticks around out of duty or because it’s what’s expected. How can I be with a woman I love if she only just likes me in return?”

  “You’ll never know unless you talk to her about this. Take it from someone who’s had a baby—she’s freaking out. I planned my pregnancy and drove myself nuts waiting for the pee stick to pop positive, then the terror sank in.”

  “Really? You were so cool and even.”

  “On the outside. Inside I was a mess. Beyond the hormones and symptoms there’s still the emotional aspect she needs to deal with. She’ll be worried about miscarrying, most first-time-moms are terrified of losing the baby and the second time around is still scary. She’ll have to deal with the changes in her body, and the reality that in nine or so months a tiny human is going to come out of her and she’s going to love it more than life.

  “There’s dozens of rules pregnant women have to follow and there’s a lot of appointments. Plus she has to plan for maternity leave, sick benefits, daycare, emergency childcare, and about a hundred other things that make being a single mom harder.”

  “Shit, I never thought of all of that.”

  “I’ve been there. I was a wreck for the first three months and then again after the seventh. I only managed to enjoy my second trimester, and that’s because I had two families and a husband behind me. Allie has no one, not anymore.”

  “She has me.”

  “And she’ll have all of us. But you have to tell her that. I can only imagine how vulnerable and alone she must feel. You need to show her that you’re sticking around and you’re willing to do whatever you need to in order to support her. You’re in a unique position because of what you’re dealing with, but now you need to be there for her so she can take care of herself and have healthy pregnancy.”

  “I’m going over to her house later tonight to talk about all of this.”

  “Good, just don’t push her. I imagine she’s pretty fragile right now.”

  “I’ll try not to, but sometimes I say stupid shit.”

  “Try extra hard.”

  “I will.”

  “Better at all?”