by Romi Hart
“Hungry?”
I snap and frown at him. Patting my stomach again and rolling my head back and forth.
“I still don’t get it. Fat? You’re fat?”
I snap and stomp in frustration. “Pregnant! I’m pregnant, Tony!”
“Oh, you’re…pregnant?” he whispers.
I silently nod my head.
“It’s not…it’s not…” He repeatedly waves his hands, going pale-faced.
I shake my head in spite.
“Oh, thank God,” he says, getting the blood back into his head and laughing in relief.
I sniff in my tears and struggle to speak. “I’ve been resisting him so long. At first it felt right. Then it turned me on, you know, to have a guy like Zander chasing me. But now…it’s just a compulsion. I don’t know HOW to be kind to him. I’m scared to death. And I don’t know how to tell him, or how to tell my parents that I’m pregnant.”
“Are you sure it’s Zander’s baby?”
“Of course I’m sure, dingus!” I snap back. “I knew it was his dick coming a mile away. I just wanted to indulge him in my fantasy. Or, let me rephrase, indulge him in what he THOUGHT my fantasy was.”
“Jesus Christ, we know way too much about each other.”
“Yeah,” I say, twirling my hair in my fingers. “I guess that’s why most people don’t stay friends after they bump uglies.”
“Good point. Well…are you going to keep the baby?”
“Yes, of course! I mean…I don’t know. I always saw myself having a baby, you know, someday in the future. After I married my husband. After I lost my virginity to some ‘special guy’ I would never see again.”
“And Zander was the special guy you thought you would never see again.”
“Yeah. In that moment, I wanted him so badly. I wanted him to come inside me. If it was anyone, ever, for the rest of my life, I wanted it to be him. But how do I tell him that?”
“So tell him!”
“He doesn’t want a baby. He said so. He said marriage and children are not his thing. I don’t want…”
“What?”
“I don’t want to complicate his life. I want to take care of this on my own, regardless of what I decide to do. It’s not his problem. I won’t make it his problem.”
“You have to follow your heart,” Tony says with a shrug. “People will tell you what you should do for hours at a time. But in the end, it’s up to you. You have to live with your decision.”
“And that means what?”
“It means be strong. Stop letting other people decide for you. You have to live with your heart after the fact. No one else does. You do. That’s why people always say, I’d do it again. In a heartbeat! Because they know they couldn’t live with themselves afterward if they didn’t do it.”
“And if it were a normal guy, maybe I would. But Zander…”
“Let me ask you this. What first attracted you to Zander? Was it the money? The fame?”
“No…it was his honesty. Well, I should reiterate. His honesty on camera. And then discovering the real Zander. But…even then he was always honest. To a fault, you could say.”
“So all this time, you’re telling me Zander has been honest with you, even though it’s gotten him in the doghouse. Right?”
“Yeah? So?”
“Why do you think he’s honest with you all the time? Because he respects you?”
“Yes…” I say, after fighting away all my angry thoughts. Zander disrespects women. Zander doesn’t care about people. Zander doesn’t want to be happy. But none of it is true. It’s all the lies I’ve been telling myself. “Zander is a lot of things… a helluva lot of things and not all good. But I know he respects me.”
“So why in the world are you disrespecting him by not giving him the whole truth?”
The revelation shoves me so hard I wake up and my heart sinks. “I…don’t know.”
“Look, I don’t know Zander as well as you do. Maybe you know something about him I don’t. But the least you could do, if you care about him at all, is tell him what happened. And let him speak his piece. Maybe, I don’t know, maybe he’ll be a bastard. Or maybe not. But at least you’ll know for sure then. You can make a decision with a complete mind, right?”
“Right...okay…I’ll do that.”
“Give people some room to surprise you and they might surprise you. Know what I mean?”
Chapter 10
Zander
“Hello?” I say, grabbing the phone impatiently and grumbling to whoever DARES to interrupt my meeting. I’m busy! This better be good…
“Hey, buddy boy! It’s David. How’s the king of the Troy Empire? Any more rich and famous and you’d be Trojan Prince Paris from Homer’s Iliad. Which I say only because I saw the great film ‘Troy’ by Wolfgang Petersen and starring Brad Pitt before he got all crusty looking.”
“Kind of busy right now, David.”
“Ohhh, good for you. Getting a good night’s rest so we can review next year’s projections of Troy Jewelry tomorrow? Smart thinking.”
“Well…no, actually. I’m really busy on other pressing matters.”
“Well, I assume you’re not talking about the merger between Maxfield and Bergam. That’s very hush-hush and it’s somewhat presumptuous to be brainstorming that now.”
“NO, David. No, it’s not about business!”
“Why, that’s the most absurd thing you’ve ever said! Everything is about business. Even begrudgingly making love to your wife is taxable if you know the right people.”
“David, I got to go. We’ll talk about this tomorrow.”
“Some of this stuff can’t wait, Mister Troy! We’ve got deadlines you know. February 14th is Valentine’s Day and your greeting card company really needs the okay on some new risky ventures in Europe.”
“Tell them to go fuck themselves!”
“Is that you want the greeting card to say?”
“Why are you harassing me, David? Can’t you tell I’m busy?”
I sigh as David hears the background noise. Some frolicking young women who have just found my master bedroom and are playing with all the toys.
“Are you going to give us the grand tour, Mister Troy?” Tara sings.
“Yeah, baby! Your wives are waiting!” Denise says.
“Wives?” David says, that sarcastic burn in his voice. “Did you get married over the weekend?”
“Not legally, no. But these girls Tara and Denise said they’re into threesome marriages. Like polyamorous love. We’re actually dating without having sex for a while. But if all goes well, we’re thinking of marrying each other in a three-way marriage. I think I’m digging it, David. They make me feel young again.”
“You know that’s not legal, right?”
“Yeah, but Trump’s dictatorship can’t last forever. Come on, David. YOU’RE the one who told me to get over Maya and get on with my life. And I think this is the best I’ve felt since Maya and I said goodbye. We’re just happier when we’re not in each other’s lives.”
“Why did you break up with Maya anyway?”
“Seriously, David? You want to ask me questions about my ex while I’m fixing to have a threesome marriage? What kind of a monster are you?”
“She dumped you. Got it. And did you ever ask her why?”
“Because she gave all sorts of ridiculous reasons. The simple truth was she didn’t want me. The end. Respect her decision.”
“And what did I always teach you about believing the first thing a salesperson tells you? It’s usually bullshit. She’s bluffing. She’s waiting for you to go sweep her off her feet and convince her to say yes with some of that magical poetry that comes so naturally to a man with a working dick.”
“She’s not, David! I seem to be the only one to get that…”
“What was the last thing she told you?”
“I don’t know,” I say tiredly, eying my two future wives who are now pillow fighting on my bed in their bras and panties.
“Something about how it’s time to stop searching and time to start living and enjoying a family. Some Hallmark bullshit.”
“There you go. She’s preggers. And she’s afraid to tell you.”
“What? That’s stupid. She’s not pregnant!”
“Why else would she say ‘enjoying a family’? She doesn’t want to commit to you, good lad, because she is with child. No sane woman talks about having a family with her boyfriend unless she’s already answered the call of duty.”
“David, two girls want to have sex with me right now and it’s totally based on my personality and our strong mental connection. No liquor, no drugs. Nothing to do with money! That’s pretty special if you ask me.”
“I’m just telling you what I know, buddy boy. If you really want this girl, she’s still available. But that sale ends soon, if you understand the marketing lingo. Soon enough, she’s going to be a single mom and her standards for love will change dramatically.”
I shake my head…until I start blinking in doubt. Could she have…would she have…oh God, I did come inside of her, didn’t I?
“David…even if this is true…how in the hell would you know all this?”
“Because I’m a fixer of problems, Zander. It’s what I do. And I think the most efficient way to guide you to happiness is to point out the elephant in the room that everyone else sees, but you still seem to be missing.”
“Which is what?”
“The girl loves you. You just can’t see it.”
“Well, if she was pregnant, why didn’t she just tell me?”
“Maybe, sweetie, because you bird-pooped on anything having to do with children, marriage or commitment!” David roasts me back. “Or maybe because she’s just so deathly afraid of rejection, she would rather suffer in silence than have her heart handed to her by such a voracious raptor as Mister Troy.”
“Oh God. You…you think that’s what it is?” My face falls and a sickening feeling rises into my gut, passed my swelling heart, and up into my throbbing head. “You really think Maya’s in love with…and she’s carrying my…my…”
“Your bastard son? Yes, yes, I do.”
“Oh God. I’m going to be a father? I’ll be someone’s dad? That’s something no other woman has ever offered me. That’s…that’s…more than I deserve. This is the best deal that’s ever come across the table. This is a…dream come true!”
“Well you might NOT be a father if you keep rambling about it or have another orgy with those gold diggers rather than getting your ass down to her apartment.”
“Okay…okay…I got to go! I got to go!”
I sing out in unrestrained happiness, filling the room with my quivering voice. My hands are waving up and down and I feel like light is protruding from my chest, comic-book-villain style. I have to ask her. I have to take that chance. I have to get out of here!
I run into the living room and grab my coat. Still carrying the phone, I slam the door behind me. I have to take my own car…I have to get to Maya’s house right now!
Oh shit. I hurry back inside my bachelor pad with a squinting and teeth chattering face. I just now realized I still have to get rid of Tara and Denise, who I’ve treated very rudely. Shit, I hope they don’t start protesting my public appearances.
“Oh, sorry…” I say to the girls, still holding the phone, still only wearing my plaid flannel pajamas. Damn…I guess I should get dressed into something a little sexier before I go meet the love of my life.
They tilt their head at me in judgment.
“So sorry. David, what am I going to do with Denise and Tara?”
“Well,” David says with that grinning snarl of his. “Ask them if they have grandpa issues. And if so, I’ll be right over!” David laughs like an evil old pirate, still managing to put a grin on my face even when I’m this close to bursting into tears.
That David…how he’s such an expert in reading people and discovering the hidden meanings in words. How he does it, I’ll never know!
Chapter 11
David
Another long day, another measly little dollar. The only thing more soulless and ratfucking awful is the idea of retiring instead of working. What do these dumb old fucks do around the house anyway? Fish? Chat on the Internet about “flat earth theories”? Ohhh, maybe they spend quality time with their wives. Horseshit to all that.
When you’re alive, you work. When you’re alive, you enjoy life. Back in my day, retirement meant you were ready to die. Nowadays, people retire at age 60 so they can sit their ass on a sofa and catch up on reruns of Andy Griffith. What kind of a sad, dreary existence is that, watching the ghost of Don Knotts, thinking the best days of your life are in the can?
Only one more thing to do before quitting time. Listen to Zander’s messages. Since this is the corporate office phone, the only fuckwads who ever call here are reporters that he doesn’t want to talk to, robotic sales calls, and of course, groupies foolish enough to think that if they just CALL Mr. Troy on his “personal phone” maybe they can get laid by a ROCKSTAR! I usually don’t return the call, but rather prefer to let the poor girl revel in her fantasies a few weeks longer before the harsh reality of rejection sets in.
I play the messages and ho-hum as I start reading through yesterday’s faxes just to make sure I didn’t miss anything.
Beep. “Hi…congratulations!”
“Delete.”
Beep. “Are you paying too much-?”
“Delete.”
Beep. “This is Beatrice from the Chicago Sun Times-”
“DELETE!”
I shake my head, figuring it’s time to head home.
Beep. “Hi…
I open my mouth and put my tongue to the roof of my mouth, ready to delete the message and change someone’s life forever.
“It’s Maya. Zander?”
I hold off for just a few seconds longer. Her voice is shaky. Her sentences not well constructed. Pain in her inflection. This is not the usual type of company Mister Troy keeps.
“I’m sorry to call you on your office phone,” she mewls, breaking into sniffles. “I lost your cell number somehow. Look, I’m sorry for the way things have happened. I just want you to know…you don’t owe me anything. You don’t! You don’t need to do anything. I’m sorry I’ve made you feel this way. I’m sorry…I was…afraid, Zander. I was afraid of what I felt for you. Afraid that you were so much better than me…so much more to lose. You wouldn’t want my life, you would get bored of me. And why shouldn’t you? I’m not special. I’m not like you. I wish I could believe in myself like everyone else seems to believe in me.”
I shake my head in worry as the poor girl cries into a robot’s ears. This is not going to get the message across, honey.
“I just want you to know, I always did love you. I was so afraid that you wouldn’t love me back, I had to…I had to end it first. I just couldn’t take it, you falling out of love with me. I can’t have something so wonderful and then lose it a day later. I don’t have that kind of…I just can’t survive that. I don’t know what’s going to happen now. I just wanted you to know…you were my first. You were the last. You were the best. You were the only man I would ever have a child for. But I don’t want you to feel obligated to, you know…be a dad or anything like that…”
“DELETE,” I say strongly, saving this poor girl from making the mistake of her life.
I see the dilemma here. Zander had unprotected sex with a hot young thing and misread all her cues, like the big dummy he is. Now she’s calling him in a moment of weakness and telling him everything, hoping somehow he can read her mind and soothe her heart.
But that’s not the way it happens, sweetie. I know a thing or two about romance. And the way it happens, the way it SHOULD always happen, is that HE must go to HER and give of his heart, telling her how he feels in one final catharsis of gushing poetry and personal need.
Not to worry, my dear. I’ll make sure he gets a much more concise version of what you just said
. Something along the lines of, “Get off your ass and go get the woman you know you love the most.”
Chapter 12
Maya
I am drowning. I don’t know if this is a dream or not. All I feel is the deluge happening above me. I’m stuck under a tidal wave of water that never seems to relent. I can’t breathe. I still feel conscious but I’m not sensing a heartbeat. Did I get here by accident? Did I decide to just end it all because I left that fucking STUPID message on Zander’s answering machine? God, how stupid. No man in his right mind would ever call me back after that psychotic breakdown.
But god damn it, I’m hormonal and scared to death that I’m going to be in this fight all alone. He said keep the fire burning. Keep it burning. But I’ve run out of fire. I’ve run out of oxygen. I’ve run out of room to breathe. It’s time to just let the waves overtake me…
I take a deep breath and wake up from my couch nap. Yes, it was a dream, all right. Not a nightmare, a dream. The dream of me leaving this world, this cold-hearted world where no one gives a damn about a person but will do anything for pussy.
God damn it, I can’t face this alone, Zander. I can’t have this baby and look every day at half of your DNA and know that I wasn’t good enough for you. I couldn’t hold it together. I couldn’t impress you the way you needed to be impressed. Your child, Zander, will be a constant reminder of how I’ve failed you. Failed you and myself.
This is how a girl goes from a virginal princess to an unwanted, hated single mother working two jobs and screwing loser guys just to feel something on the weekends. So much for my dreams, so much for my potential, so much for—
Someone is banging on the door. A sudden rush of emotion fills my lungs. Anyone but him. I’ll take anyone, anyone but him. I know it’s not him. I know it’s not him. But I need someone to help me through this. Please Lord, don’t toy with me. Please don’t make this a chocolate candy fundraiser kid or a Jehovah Witness or a fucking UPS man—