Divorced and Deadly

by Josephine Cox

  ‘You’d best sit up,’ I told her encouragingly, ‘…I’ll see if I can find the conductor.’ The last thing I wanted was to turn up for work with a jacket coated in the remains of her breakfast!

  ‘Give her a sick bag!’ The conductor was none too pleased, and neither was I.

  ‘Give her one yourself!’ I mean…you can’t let the buggers get away with it, can you?

  Anyway, to cut a long story short, she got her sick bag, and I got as far away from her as I could; though she kept looking at me with a peculiar glint in her eye. ‘Sorry dear,’ I wanted to say, ‘but I’m not that desperate.’ At least, not yet! How dare she?

  What’s more, a muscled-up weirdo with a crew-cut on the next seat kept eyeing me up. I nearly asked her what her game was!

  Thank God I got to my station unmolested…life is a terrifying lottery, don’t you think?

  The van was waiting to collect me as I came out of the station. ‘Good morning, Ben, how was your journey today?’ Dressed in a long, white overall and smelling of dog-chuckles, Poppy is a real sweetie; though you wouldn’t want to kiss her after she’s been canoodling with the canines.

  Feeling sorry for myself, I climbed in. ‘It’s been one of them journeys from hell,’ I moaned. ‘The train driver was hell bent on breaking every speed limit in the book, and some woman was threatening to spew up all over me.’ I gave her all the gory details, ‘And would you believe the conductor had a go at me when I refused to take her the sick bag!’

  ‘Really? And what did you say to that?’ she asked. Poppy can be such a trial at times.

  ‘What do you think I said? I calmly reminded him that I was a mere passenger, and that it was his duty to “give her one”!’

  Poppy started laughing. Honestly! Is it me, or has the whole world gone completely mad?

  As we drove along, I took a sneaky look at her. Some people say Poppy is quite pretty, but I can’t quite make up my mind. I suppose with her wild, curly hair and those long, blonde lashes over sapphire-blue eyes, there might be something cute about her.

  But then, who am I to say? She’s so preoccupied with her dungarees and other people’s animals; I can’t imagine her being dressed to kill, or rolling about in bed playing catch me if you can with another human being. And she would never flaunt herself naked in a see-through negligee…or would she? I’d better watch out. There I go again with the daydreams!

  ‘What are you staring at?’ Poppy asked.

  ‘What d’you mean? I wasn’t staring at you!’ I can sound really wounded when I put my mind to it.

  ‘Well it certainly felt like it!’ She flew the car round the bend at a hundred miles an hour.

  Leave her alone, Ben, I told myself, before she kills the pair of us.

  ‘I’ve already said…I was not staring at you!’ I reacted with a cutting remark.

  ‘No need to be catty.’ She seemed hurt.

  ‘What do you mean…catty?’ I said. ‘I’m a man for heavens’ sake. I couldn’t be catty if I tried. The trouble is that’s all you’ve got on your mind…cats and dogs, and things that cock their leg over…other things.’

  ‘What other things?’ Poppy wanted to know.

  ‘I dunno…plant pots, trees, and things like that.’

  ‘Now you’re being ridiculous.’ Poppy obviously didn’t think so!

  ‘Leave me alone, I’ve had a bad enough morning already!’ I was not in a pleasant frame of mind.

  ‘Oh what! You mean you forgot to feed your Mum’s goldfish?’

  She was giving me that kind of grin she gives the animals when they want feeding, I half expected a meatychew thrust into my mouth, thank you very much!

  ‘You know what’s wrong with you, Ben?’ Poppy went on.

  ‘No, but I’m sure you’ll tell me.’ Why did I say that?

  ‘You need to chill out.’ Poppy said.

  ‘What’s that supposed to mean?’ I put on my most outraged voice.

  Putting the fear of God into me, she screeched the van to a halt in the middle of the street, ‘You listen to me…’ Yanking on the hand-brake she swung round and looked me in the eye, ‘You’re on edge all the time; it’s not good for you. People have heart attacks and everything, being on edge like that.’

  ‘I can’t help it. I’ve got a lot to contend with.’ My mum was right. I really can be sulky at times.

  ‘You might be surprised to know this, but you are not the only one!’ Poppy complained.

  ‘What?’ I didn’t know what she was on about.

  ‘I said, you are not the only one who has a lot to contend with.’ She was really ranting!

  ‘Is that so?’ Now I was fed up.

  ‘What about me?’ Poppy went on.

  ‘I don’t know. What about you?’ I really hadn’t a clue.

  ‘You know…’ Poppy said mournfully, ‘…my favourite dog passed away last week, and you never once said you were sorry.’

  ‘That’s because I wasn’t.’ It’s true! ‘That dog was not even yours. What’s more, he was mad as a march hare…eight times last week it escaped and I was the one who had to catch it and bring it back…plus I got bitten twice for my trouble and had to have a jab.’ I couldn’t believe we were arguing about a mad dog!

  ‘Don’t be soft! A jab won’t hurt you, will it? And besides, you were the only one available to go after the poor thing. Everyone else was busy hosing out the kennels after that bug epidemic.’ Poppy could be really verbal!

  ‘All right, but losing one dog in the universe does not give you as much to contend with as I have.’ I had to assert myself.

  ‘Oh no? Well, what about my mother?’ Poppy gave me a look.

  ‘What about her…and don’t you think we’d best get going or we’ll be late. Don’t forget the accountant is due in today.’ And guess who had to deal with him—yours truly!

  ‘I haven’t forgotten.’ Poppy sounded smug.

  ‘Let’s get going then.’ The morning was definitely not getting any better!

  She didn’t get going until the driver in the car behind rammed his fist on his horn, and then a milk float and a bread van drew up behind us and soon there was a whole mob of vehicles all lined up and baying for blood.

  And even after we drove away, she had no intention of letting me off the hook.

  ‘I’ll have you know, my mother is the mother from hell!’ Poppy complained.

  ‘Really? In what way?’ I didn’t particularly want to pursue the conversation, but I couldn’t believe her mother was worse than mine.

  ‘She vets all my boyfriends.’ Poppy said.

  ‘I didn’t know you had any boyfriends.’ I almost laughed.

  I got the evil eye, ‘And why shouldn’t I have boyfriends. Am I ugly? Tell me the truth; do you think I’m ugly? You do, don’t you…think I’m ugly?’ Her voice was suspiciously shaky.

  ‘I never said that.’ Honest!

  ‘But you meant that,’ she sniffed.

  ‘I didn’t.’ What else could I say?

  ‘Liar!’ Poppy was almost in tears.

  When we arrived at the kennel gates I couldn’t get out of the van quick enough to open them. ‘It’s all right,’ I called as she prepared to stop and collect me again, ‘I’ll walk up…clear my head.’

  ‘Please yourself!’ With the same death wish as the train driver, she slammed her foot down on the accelerator and shot off up the lane, sending showers of gravel behind her.

  ‘DAMNED LUNATIC! YOU COULD HAVE BLINDED ME!’ I yelled.

  She didn’t hear me. Well, I knew that, or I wouldn’t have shouted, would I? I mean…I’m not harbouring a death wish, well, at least not yet.

  Oh yes, and what were the ‘surprises’ you might ask.

  Well, as you might have guessed, I manage a kennel for some rich guy who has a string of them all over the UK. He has a big white house on a cliff-top in Spain, a grand mansion in Milton Keynes and a boat in Newquay. Huh! alright for some!

  I’m learning the ropes so I can achieve f
ame and fortune; though so far it’s been an uphill struggle.

  While I was preparing the books for the accountant, I had a visitor. Imagine my astonishment when I looked up and saw her draped in the doorway, half-naked boobs peeping out like fat puppies from a sack, and her cheap, heady perfume blocking my common sense. ‘SHELLEY! What are you doing here?’ In the midst of chaos, I always managed to find a semblance of authority.

  ‘I came to see you,’ she purred, stepping closer.

  Backing away, I told her in no uncertain terms, ‘Haven’t you women done enough damage? I’ve lost my home and my marriage, and now I’m back with my parents who think I still need my nose wiping. Thanks to you lot, my life’s a mess and there’s no way out.’

  She didn’t answer. Neither did she show any remorse, the spiteful cow. Instead, she sauntered right up to me; thrusting her large, fleshy boobs into my chest and wrapping her snake-like arms round my neck. She kissed me full on the lips…right there, tongue out, tonsils quivering, with four kennel-girls and the dog-walkers staring in at the window.

  ‘GET OFF ME!’ Blushing to the roots of my hair, I shoved her away, masterfully taking hold of her arm to march her out the door.

  ‘You can throw me out of your office, but you will never be able to push me out of your life,’ she warned. ‘You’re a free man now. You and I belong together, and I won’t let you go, Ben. It’s no use you fighting me.’ With that she blew me a kiss and wiggled away down the lane and out of sight.

  ‘Clear off! Haven’t you lot got work to do?’ The kennel-girls and dog-walkers were still there, peering in the window and giggling crudely.

  ‘Cor, just think, Ben…’ That was Poppy with her nose pressed so hard to the window it was covered in a film of snot, ‘…that Shelley is head over heels in love with you. I reckon you could have asked her to turn somersaults and she would have done, right there on the spot.’

  ‘Huh!’ That was the new boy, Andy. ‘If you ask me, she’s anybody’s!’ He gave one of the idiot grins he’s getting known for. ‘I don’t think it’s you, Ben. I think she just wanted to play, and d’you know what? If I’d been brave enough to give her the nod, I bet you, she’d have been all over me…’

  Well, that was it! I just lost my rag, ‘What d’you think this is…a bloody peep-show…GET BACK TO YOUR WORK, THE LOT OF YOU!’

  Well, I never…they all shot off in different directions. So! I do have a masterful streak when I make my mind up.

  So, maybe from now on they’ll learn to respect me.

  Not so! Because that same afternoon, I was preparing to leave, when I had another visitor, unannounced and baying for blood, ‘YOU FILTHY TWO-TIMING NO GOOD BAGGAGE!’

  My ex-wife was never more attractive than when fighting mad, ‘Don’t think you and that slut have got one over on me, because you haven’t. She’s been bragging all over the place, about how she means to have you. Well, I’m telling you now, she’s welcome to you…and good luck to the pair of you!’

  With that she stormed off with me running after her, ‘What the hell business is it of yours anyway?’ I didn’t care that the kennel-girls were staring at us, ‘You were the one who asked for a divorce and never mind that I didn’t want it. So don’t come here with your high-faluting values, telling me what I can and can’t do. I shall do what I damn well like, and with whoever I please! And if you don’t like it, then tough tittie!’

  I swear I didn’t see it coming. She swung round, grabbed the hose from young Danny’s hand and turned it on me. There was a great whoosh, a blinding curtain of freezing cold rain, and my whole body was soaked to the skin. She then flung the hose back to Danny who ran about like a lunatic, trying to catch it, as it leaped up and down swilling everybody in sight.

  The girls were laughing and screaming, and poor Danny came off worse when with a look of triumph he deliberately trod on the hose, which then forced itself up his trouser leg and gave him the biggest surprise of his life.

  Humiliated and dripping, and wishing I was a million miles away, I watched Laura storm off with a sinister warning, ‘I know she was here, Ben Buskin. And I’ll be watching you!’

  Like one of the half-dead creatures from Michael Jackson’s Thriller, I hobbled after her, ‘How did you know she was here…are you spying on me?’

  ‘Yes! Same as you’re spying on me. Do you think I haven’t seen you hiding in the shrubs to see what I’m up to…DAMN PERVERT!’ She screamed.

  With the weight of my wet trousers pulling me down I sulked back to the office, where I slammed about like a sulky kid who’s lost the fight.

  ‘Here…let me help.’ Poppy had seen it all, and as always she was there to pick up the pieces. Before I could stop her, she’d stripped off my trousers (taking far too long if you ask me). Then she wrapped a fluffy dogblanket round my nether regions and was about to rub my chest with a flannel, when I thanked her kindly and sent her away…I mean, I’ve already got more trouble than I can handle.

  But all in all, it was a day to remember.

  What puzzles me is this…why would my ex-wife get herself in such a state when she’s already divorced me?

  Maybe she still loves me.

  Well, well. Whoever would have thought it?

  Mind you, tomorrow could tell another tale.

  BEDFORD

  OCTOBER, FRIDAY

  ‘Ben!’ Mum’s voice screamed up the stairs, ‘Ben, it’s time for work.’

  ‘Go away.’ Covering my head with the sheet I did my best to ignore her.

  ‘Ben!’ Ignore her.

  ‘Ben, are you awake?’ Double ignore her.

  ‘BEN…it’s half past eight, you’ll miss your bus!’ Dammit!

  ‘ALL RIGHT, ALL RIGHT! I’M ONTO IT!’ I yelled.

  There was a long pause. I knew instinctively she was at the bottom of the stairs, coiled and hissing, ready for the kill.

  With a groan I leaned out of bed, fished my shoe out from under the chair and banged it three times on the floor. That usually got me another ten minutes.

  God, am I tired. Thank heavens it’s Friday. It’s my Saturday off this week, and I’m brimming with ideas. I plan to trawl the clubs and pubs and find a woman who will take care of me.

  I am not going to go to the cinema with Dickie Manse brains-in-his-pants. He must think I’m stupid. Why would anyone in their right mind want to go to the cinema with a saddo like that?

  My weekend plans were interrupted by hideous yelling. ‘BEN! IF YOU ARE NOT OUT OF THAT BED AND DOWN HERE IN FIVE MINUTES FLAT, I SWEAR I’LL COME UP AND DRAG YOU OUT!’

  She won’t. She’s said that before. What’s more, my clock said quarter to eight…she’d played that trick on me before. Let her shout and rave, I knew I was good for at least another five minutes yet.

  I heard on the grapevine that Shelley has been putting it about to anyone who’ll listen, that me and her are an item. Brazen-faced liar! I can see I’ll have to pay her a call and put her in her place once and for all. If she thinks she can play me along and sort my life out without my permission, she’s got another thing coming!

  ‘I KNEW IT!’ The door was flung open and there she was…my mother in full war paint. ‘Your father’s gone to get a haircut, and I’m off shopping with Winnie Arriss…if you don’t mind I would like to get to the shops before they close.’ With a swoop she was on me…Grabbing the bedclothes, she flung them back with no thought whatsoever for my bared manhood, not to mention my red face.

  ‘OUT!’ God she was a frightening sight; standing there arms folded, face like a bulldog and frothing at the mouth.

  Covering my modesty, I gave her one of my fiercest stares, ‘I don’t know what all the fuss is about.’

  Casting her gaze down, she snorted, ‘Neither do I.’

  ‘Look! It’s not even eight o’clock!’ I pointed at my bedside clock, ‘See?’

  Grabbing the clock she gave it a shake and threw it at me, just missing my head. ‘You forgot to wind it up again. How many times have I tol
d you, being as it was your Grandma’s…Lord rest her soul…it needs winding up every day…’ As she went out the room, she added snidely, ‘That clock and you belong together. Grown lazy with age, the pair of you.’

  It took me ten minutes to finish in the bathroom, though when I came out I looked like a refugee from a war zone. I had patches of blood and sticky paper all over my face and my hair stood up like it had been through a wind tunnel. ‘It’s your fault,’ I sulked as I came into the kitchen where my mother was waiting with another packed lunch.

  ‘You’ve got no time for breakfast now,’ she said lovingly. (One minute she’s going crazy, and the next she’s sweet as apple pie. I’m sure she’s an alien.)

  ‘Anyway, I’ve put you an extra apple in, and one of them choccy biscuits you seem to like so much.’ (She doesn’t know those revolting choccy biscuits are the first thing to go in the bin when I got to the bus stop.)

  I grabbed my coat and made for the door. I didn’t want to give her the idea that she can shout at me, and then just forget it, like it never happened.

  ‘Look, Ben, I’m sorry for shouting at you, but you really have got to pull yourself together.’ (She can read my mind!) You’ve lost your wife; you don’t seem to be making much headway at work…I mean, look at the state you came home in the other day.’

  ‘What state was that?’ I was in no mood to give in.

  ‘Your suit appeared to have shrunk and your best leather shoes were all wrinkly; not an image you want to present to the customers. And what’s more, you have no home, no ambition, and very few prospects for the future.’ She made that sad face, ‘What’s going to become of you, Ben?’

  By the time I got out the door, my self-confidence was shattered, my self-image had taken a real knocking, and my heart was in my boots.

  Walking down the street muttering to myself, I realised she was right. I was kidding myself. I was a joke at work, nobody respected what I had to say, and if the boss sold up tomorrow, I’d be out of a job. I was already broke. I had one woman spreading lies and chasing me at every turn, and another who said she doesn’t want me, but has threatened to kill me if another woman even looked in my direction. Then there’s Poppy, who’ll nag me to death, even though she fancies me rotten. But she’s just a kid, and besides I’ve heard her shamelessly rattling them off in the yard…how off-putting is that?’ Some lady she is, I must say!