by Unknown
“Oh.” I didn’t know what else to say so pushed the asparagus around my plate.
“It’s hollandaise sauce,” Andrew said quietly. “It’s safe to eat, I promise.” His voice was hard. He was mad.
“What’s wrong?” I asked and set down my fork.
“Why is he still calling you?”
I didn’t know what to say. He and I hadn’t talked much about Josh other that I had a fling with him over the summer. I didn’t think he knew that we’d slept together. I’d been hoping to always keep them separate in my head so they never took up the same space. My head spun with what I should say next.
“I don’t know,” I finally said.
He deserved to know. And he’d probably figure it out sooner or later. I had to tell him.
“What happened over the summer?” There. He’d asked it.
“I don’t want to talk about him,” I deflected. “I want to eat more lamb.” That was my lame attempt at a subject change.
“Jenna,” He grabbed my hand. “He’s obviously important to you and you’re important to him, or he wouldn’t keep calling.” Tension rolled off of him.
“He’s not though. Not. I didn’t want to think about him or talk about him.”
“Fine.” He was still mad, but his tension had released a little.
“Now what?” I blurted out. I didn’t like the thickening silence.
“Well, I’d planned on eating taking a little longer and you eating a little more than three bites of lamb and a strawberry.”
“Sorry, Michelle and I were up, like, all night and I woke up early.”
“I see.”
“Andrew, I don’t want to ruin this night. Look what you did. You obviously had plans,” I winked at him.
“Did you just wink at me?” All remaining tension burst when he smiled at me.
“Maybe,” I winked again.
“Are you done eating?” he asked quickly. He stood up and cleared the plates without getting my answer.
He squeezed past me and grabbed my hand as he led me into the living room. I hadn’t noticed before, but there was faux fur rug on the floor in front of the fake fire place/media center/space heater thing we had. It didn’t blow out heat anymore, but it did created a nice ambiance.
He sat on the rug and pulled me down with him.
“Are we going to do it on the floor on a furry rug?” I asked, petting the rug.
“Do you want to?” He pushed my hair back off my neck and kissed me there.
I didn’t answer. I just let him continue to kiss me. He slipped his hands under my shirt and pulled it over my head. He took his off too and I felt bad for not taking his off myself. So I fiddled with his belt and unbutton his pants.
He kissed my cheek and made a move to unsnap my bra which would have left me topless. I wanted more than anything to give into my desires of him. I wanted so badly to feel him pressed against me, my hands tangled in his wild hair, his hands roaming my body, my name on his lips in a moment of pure passion.
But instead, I leaned back and looked away from him.
“So, I’m sorry,” I said weakly.
Andrew’s hands fell to his sides in defeat. I’d chickened out again.
For the second time, I’d let him get naked in front of me and then stopped. I couldn’t keep blaming my inadequacy in this department on Josh, but he really was boggling my mind. Why was he still calling me? Maybe I just hadn’t made it clear enough to him that I didn’t want to be with him anymore? I thought I was pretty clear. Maybe there was something else. But what? I laughed to myself. The only way to get that answer would be to talk to Josh and that just wasn’t an option for me right now.
“Jenna. It’s seriously fine.” But I could tell it wasn’t. He was annoyed with me and probably a little frustrated, sexually.
“It’s not though,” I said and watched him pull his pants back up over his muscular legs.
I never realized how fit Andrew was. Did he run? Lift weights? My eyes traveled up to his waist, then torso. There wasn’t a six pack, but there was definition I was suddenly dying to touch. Why was I denying myself this man? This man who actually wanted me? Why did he want me? Why was I suddenly questioning everything about my love life? Why was I so worried about my love life? I’m nineteen for god’s sake!
“Jenna?” Andrew asked with a concerned look.
‘Yeah?”
“Are you okay? You look lost.”
“Yeah.” I watched his face change from confusion to his trademark half smile as he pulled his shirt over his head.
I slipped my arms around him and hugged him tight.
“You sure?” He wrapped his arms around my and squeezed me.
“I’m a little broken right now. This summer was tough. It was hard to go back, hard to see my mom. Hard to see Josh I guess. I don’t want to talk about it, but I’m mending. Okay?”
“Of course baby. I’m here.” He squeezed me a little tighter. I replayed the way he said baby. Josh had said it to me on our date back in Riverview. I remember not liking him calling me that, but I liked it when Andrew did.
“I slept with Josh,” I blurted out. He needed to know what was going on in my head. “And I keep comparing you two. I’m sorry, I can’t help it. I can’t get him off my mind.” Words spilled from my mouth and I couldn’t stop them. Andrew didn’t need to know that.
I hugged him tighter. I didn’t want to see his reaction, I didn’t want to see his face. I imagined the disappointment and anger that he probably felt. I squeezed my eyes shut for fear of tears. I didn’t want to cry about this. It was stupid.
“I thought I loved him and he broke my heart.” The tears I didn’t want, fell now.
Andrew rubbed my back with his hands, the grasped my shoulders and pushed me away from him. He tilted my chin up when I kept my head down.
“You need to talk to me about these things. Holding in the hurt won’t make it go away. Ignoring things will only make them worse.” His eyes were sad, his face defeated.
The tears came in sobs now. Everything I hadn’t wanted to think about from this summer came rushing back.
“I hate my mom. I hate how’s she’s ruined my life. I don’t know how to love or be in a relationship or talk to people about anything. I hate Michelle’s dad and how he’s just getting away with everything. He’s not even in jail right now and he should be. He should be in a cell next to my mom. I hate that Josh keeps calling me and messing with my head. He’s apologized, why can’t he just leave me alone?” My words came out in a rush so I barely knew what I was saying. Andrew just sat in front of me listening to my rant.
“Jenna, I want to be here for you. I want you to tell me these things. But I need you to be here for me too. I want a relationship with you. I want to love you someday.”
I smiled at his words. He didn’t care about my past or my drug dealing mother. He cared about me now and that was something I needed to hold onto. He pulled me back to him in an embrace and I relished in it. I wrapped my arms around him and held on to him. I never wanted to let go.
“You smell good,” I said after a few minutes to break the tension.
“So do you, like pancakes.” I felt his lungs expand when he inhaled.
“I went to the café this morning.”
“Sounds delicious.”
I pulled away from him with a start. “I didn’t even eat. I left the pancakes in the car. With bacon.”
“You got bacon and didn’t eat it? That’s like, a cardinal sin.”
“I know!”
Getting up, I followed him over to the couch where we both sat heavily. He grabbed the remote before I could and turned on a football game. I snuggled into his chest and wrapped my arms around him.
“This was the worst day ever,” he chuckled.
“Because of the bacon?” I asked. I really hoped he was making fun of the bacon and not making a statement about what had just transpired between us.
He kissed my forehead, “yes. Bacon should nev
er be wasted.”
“Okay, never again,” I said and snuggled down closer to him.
“I think the Lions are going to lose,” he said.
“Don’t they always lose?”
“Yeah, they do.”
I smiled to myself and watched the rest of the game with him.
CHAPTER TWELVE
“Jenna, don’t be mad.” Michelle’s voice rang out in the empty apartment. Well, not totally empty. I was here and Andrew had stayed the night Saturday night. We’d stayed up way too late watching cheesy lifetime movies and I’d filled him on everything about my past. I told him about my mom and dad, leaving Riverview in the middle of my senior year and about Josh. It was a long, but good weekend and he was currently asleep on my bed.
I, on the other hand, was still half asleep and in my pajamas, a tank top and white printed pants and no bra. I was attempting to make coffee but was failing miserably. I’d already forgotten the filter and I’d just tried to start it without any water.
Wait a minute.
“Michelle?” She wasn’t supposed to be here. I was supposed to be leaving in a couple of hours to pick her and Lauren up, hence the coffee making attempt.
“Jenna?” Michelle asked.
“I’m in the kitchen. Why are you here and why would I be mad?” I asked. It’s not like she was late getting home, or bursting through our bedroom door at three in the morning. My back was to her as I attempted to fill the coffee filter with coffee. Most days I needed a cup of coffee in order to function enough to make coffee. Sad, I know.
“Jenna,” came a smooth, slow voice I’d recognize anywhere. I paused mid pour so that the water from the coffee pot stopped filling the maker. Half of it still remained in the pot, but I couldn’t convince myself to dump the rest in. Instead, I set the pot down on the counter and turned around to face him
He was a giant in our tiny apartment. He filled the entry way between the kitchen and living room. He was wearing his standard uniform: blue jeans and a plaid shirt, blue this time so his eyes were accented. Michelle peaked out from behind him.
“Sorry,” she squeaked.
I was at a loss for words. Josh was the last person I expected to see here or even wanted to see in my apartment. I crossed my arms over my chest, trying to hide my braless chest, then I remembered he’d seen me naked so it didn’t even really matter.
“Josh,” I said stoically.
I tried my hardest not to look at him, but his presence filled every fiber of my being and pulled me to like we were magnetized.
“Can we talk?” he asked and took a step towards me.
I couldn’t step back away because I was already up against the counter. But it didn’t matter, I didn’t actually want to step back. I was still so mad at him but in this moment, I couldn’t wrap my head around why I was hanging on so tightly to this. I knew I was being a tad irrational, but if I gave in, even a little, then he’d find a hole to wiggle his way back into my heart, and I didn’t want that to happen. I couldn’t get hurt again. I’d found my resolve. I needed to stay mad so he wouldn’t hurt me again.
“I’m going to go,” Michelle said and she practically flew down the hall to our room.
Seconds later I hear her cry out, “Andrew?!”
“Andrew?” Josh questioned. He narrowed his eyes at me.
“Jenna!” Michelle yelled in my direction. This was going to end badly, I could feel it.
“Jenna!” It was Lauren. “Can you help me with this, Michelle just left…” her voice trailed off.
Andrew was walking down the hall rubbing his eyes. He hadn’t seen Josh yet, but he would any second.
“Jenna?” Josh questioned again.
“Josh,” I warned when I saw his fists ball.
He had no business being here. This was my place, my space, and I would not let him start anything here.
“Andrew, please go back to my room,” I said before anything could happen. Having them both in the same room was both exhilarating and horrifying. Like, my universe was about to implode on itself.
Andrew stopped short when he saw Josh. This was the first time they’d been in the same room together. My eyes flicked back and forth between the two of them. They were the same height, but their similarities stopped there. Josh’s thick, stocky frame made him look bigger than Andrew. Andrew was leaner, more willowy. His unruly black hair stood up at all angles, his dark eyes and tanned skin were in complete contrast to Josh’s fairer complexion, blond hair, and piercing blue eyes. And right now, I’d bet Josh could shoot daggers out of those eyes.
Andrew caught my glances and held up his hands in mock surrender and retreated back to my room. I hated that he did that. Not that I wanted him to fight for me, because that’s not what this was about. If I ever got what I wanted, Josh would just leave and never come back.
“Who’s that guy?” Josh asked when Andrew had shut my bedroom door. I’m sure Michelle would give him an earful.
“I don’t have anything to say to you,” I said to Josh.
“Who is he?” Josh pressed.
“Andrew. My boyfriend,” I shot.
“You’re with him?” he asked in disbelief. It stung to think that Josh was questioning my relationship status.
“Yes, Josh.”
He paused before continuing, “We still need to talk.”
“Like I said, I don’t have anything to say to you.” I walked towards him, hoping he’d back away from me and head for the door.
“But I have things to say to you.” He took another step closer. My hopes of a quick retreat had been dashed. Josh wasn’t going anywhere easily.
“Josh,” I squeezed my eyes shut.
“Jenna. Stop. You can’t ignore me. It’s not fair. You just left and didn’t say goodbye to me or my mom.”
“I know.” I looked anywhere but at him.
“I am truly sorry for the way things went down between us. I didn’t handle things well. I wanted to keep you and Michelle separate in my mind. We’d broken up, but only a few days before her accident. I felt responsible. And then you were gone and Michelle had no one. I mean, she had her mom and sister, but you were gone.”
“Not by choice!” I blurted out. I didn’t intend to engage in conversation with him.
“I know.”
“Josh, why did you come here?”
“To apologize…”
“You have and I get it.” I’d cut him off, he had something else to say but I didn’t think I wanted to hear it. “I accept your apology, you can go now.” I put my hands on my hips, hoping to look defiant, but the whole no bra thing negated that.
“Jenna, please,” he begged.
“Please what? You broke my heart. I have nothing else to give to you, nor do I want anything from you. You wasted a trip here if you thought cornering me in my own home would do any good.”
His shoulders sagged and his eyes left mine and looked off somewhere above me. My words had hit him, had hurt him. He sucked in a breath of air, held it, and then, let it out. Whatever else he had wanted to say left him.
“Fine.” He turned away and waved down the hall at Michelle before exiting the apartment.
I sighed heavily and turned back to my half-finished coffee maker. This was way too much to deal with before coffee.
Michelle pounded down the hallway from the bedroom and spun me around, her face just inches from mine.
“That was really rude Jenna. He came to talk to you and you just blew him off!”
“I,”I started.
“No. I’m tired of your attitude towards him. He didn’t even do anything wrong. Well maybe he did, but he feels bad about it. So you guys had a thing, you slept together, so he felt an obligation to me when I woke from the coma. Life happens, Jenna. It’s doesn’t always happen the way you want it to, but you have to take it how it comes. You say you hate him and want to avoid him, but you let him dictate every aspect of your life.
“I know,” I barely got a word in before she continued.
“The world doesn’t revolve around you, you know. Other people have problems and if you’d listen, you’d know.”
“What is that supposed to mean?” I half yell at her.
She wavers and clenches her teeth. She’s holding something back, I can tell. Her eyes dart around the room, looking at everything but me. Just like Josh had done.
“What is going on?” I prodded.
“I can’t,” she shook her head at me. “It’s not my story to tell.” She sighed, her eyes pleaded with me not to question her any more. “Please, just talk to Josh.” We exchanged a glance before she stalked back to our bedroom and slammed the door.
I was speechless. And a little offended. We’d always told each other everything. Was it about her mom? Did something happen with her dad and that’s why her mom was so quiet while I was there? The last I heard, he was living in an apartment and on house arrest, complete with an ankle bracelet and awaiting trial.
But she wouldn’t ask me to talk to Josh about her parent’s situation. Maybe I should talk to Josh. I abandoned the coffee and grabbed a cardigan off the back of the couch and ran to catch Josh before he left for Riverview.
“Jenna?” Andrew’s voice stopped me just before I reached the door.
“Hey,” I said, feeling a little guilty. I was about to leave him here alone and chase after my ex.
“What was that all about?” he asked and pulled me into a hug.
“I don’t know,” I said into his bare chest.
I really didn’t.
“Why was Josh here?” His voice was even as if he was trying to hide how upset he was.
“He drove Lauren and Michelle home. Maybe he thought I’d talk to him face to face.”
“But you didn’t?” he released his hold on me and held me at arm’s length.
“No,” I shook my head.
“Why not?” he asked, his eyes locked on mine.
“Because,” I started. “Because he’s just going to apologize again like he has a hundred times before.”
“What is he apologizing for?”
“For leading me on this past summer,” I walked away from him and sat on the couch. The brown cover slipped, revealing the ugly burnt orange and pea green flowers.