by Unknown
“Leading you on?”
“Yes. Haven’t we discussed this?”
He joined me on the couch.
“Yeah,” he sighed.
“I mean, we had a thing, we slept together, several times. I thought I was in love with him. We have a history, we were best friends. And then, Michelle wakes up from her yearlong coma and suddenly I’m nothing. He tried to get me back, but I’d decided I just needed to move on. With you.” I added.
“I get that.” He stood up from the couch.
Andrew was the strong silent type. He was calm and patient. It took him a long time to mull things over. I think that’s why it had taken him so long to make a move with me. He’d wanted to make sure I was worth it, and I appreciated that. But he held so much back from me. I’d spilled all my secrets this weekend, but I hadn’t learned much about him. I needed to change that.
“Where are you going?” I asked and followed him back to my room.
“I need to go home. I have an early class tomorrow.” He was almost sad, but I didn’t think it was about class tomorrow. This whole thing was starting to wear both of us down.
“Okay.” He opened the door to my room and I saw Michelle sitting quietly on her bed. She looked up when Andrew entered and smiled at him.
A moment later, Andrew emerged with the clothes he’d had on yesterday, and his backpack stuffed with his books and the sweatpants he’d worn to bed.
He kissed me on the forehead before he left, but didn’t utter another word.
I stewed the rest of the day. Michelle stayed in our room and I only walked in to get dressed and grab my keys. She didn’t want to talk to me and I didn’t want to make things awkward by staying there, so I grabbed my computer bag and headed to the coffee shop.
It was quiet at the Java Bean for a Sunday. Usually students would fill every chair and booth available. Their laptops open, tablets set up, and headphones in, blocking out everything around them. I assumed they were working on school work, but sometimes I’d catch someone with their assignment open on their computer, but Netflix running on their tablet. Our generation is spoiled by technology and we weren’t even using it effectively.
I plopped down in a booth and plugged my power cord into the outlet. There was only one other person in the whole place. I guess everyone was still gone for break, or no one else had waited until the last minute to finish a huge assignment.
I mean, it wasn’t that huge. We had to pick an historic event and pretend it never happened and rewrite history to show how it would be without it. I was still clueless as to which major event I wanted to cancel. Obviously war would be a good event to cancel. Less death, less destruction, less violence in general. But if there was no World War II, how would we resolve conflict? Would war have happened anyway, just at a later time? There were so many things to think about and my mind kept wandering back to Josh.
What if we’d never fought? What if I’d remained unaware of Michelle and her condition, what if I’d left before she woke up, or never gone back to Riverview last summer? Would I be living happily with Stefanie , dating Andrew, and only worrying about this stupid assignment?
I can’t live my life in what ifs.
“Can I get you something?” the waitresses asked. She was all peppy and cheerful. The complete opposite of how I felt.
“Just a coffee. Black is fine, but bring cream and sugar.”
“You got it.” And she skipped off. Like actually skipped.
Five cups of coffee and four hours later, I’d finished my essay. I’d decided to rewrite World War II. Hitler didn’t persecute the Jews and wasn’t a general asshole. He was able to talk through his childhood issues and didn’t care about rebuilding old Germany.
CHAPTER THIRTEEN
“Oh my god,” Andrew said. “This couch is hideous!” He flopped down on the pea green and orange floral couch. I’d taken the cover off to wash it and hadn’t put it back on yet.
It was the Friday after he’d walked out of my apartment. We hadn’t really talked. Neither had Michelle and I. We lived together and all but refused to talk to each other. We’d only spoken when absolutely necessary.
Andrew had decided to come over for lunch and chat. The chat I didn’t think we needed to have, but he thought we did. A lot had happened in the last few weeks and now that we’d had time to process it all, it was time to reconcile. If reconciling was what we needed to do.
“You’ve seen it before,” I said and followed him in.
“I know, but I just noticed how ugly it actually was.”
“Yeah well, it was free and we needed a couch,” I said and shook the memory of Josh sprawled out in the exact way Andrew was now.
Andrew held out his hand for me to join him on the couch. I hesitated, still picturing Josh sprawled out before me.
“Come on, I haven’t seen you for days.” I shook my head again this time getting out of my own head and took Andrew’s hand and sank into the squashy cushions next to him. He pulled me down so I stretched out with him and tangled my feet with his. My head rested on the inside crook of his muscular arm. His other arm wrapped around my waist and pulled me close to him.
I’d missed him these last few days. I’d taken the time to refocus on school. I didn’t talk to anyone, but studied hard to prepare for the upcoming final exams. School was out in just a few weeks for Christmas break. I had no plans as of yet, but I sure as hell wasn’t taking anyone back to Riverview. I’d probably hole myself up in my bedroom and read or binge watch something on Netflix. I wasn’t even sure I wanted Andrew around. I’d probably just make him get naked again and walk away from him.
“What are you thinking about?” Andrew asked.
“Oh nothing,” I lied.
“Are you thinking about me naked?” He asked with a laugh.
“Andrew!” I sat up and hit him playfully on his arm.
“Well, are you?”
“Maybe.”
“I knew it,” he laughed again.
He sat up too and a serious look washed over his face. “So I’ve been thinking,” he said. “Last week you told me a lot about yourself and I want to tell you about me.”
“That’s great. I want to know about you.”
“I know you do. But it’s a lot to take in.”
“What, did you like, murder someone or something,” I was joking of course, but Andrew’s expression turned grave.
“Oh my gosh, I was kidding,” I said nervously.
“I know. But I want you to come to Christmas dinner at my house. With the Hamiltons.”
“I think that sound lovely,” I said with a smile.
“Great.” He leaned in for a kiss but my phone buzzed. I hadn’t heard from Josh since he left my apartment, but it would be like him to call at a pivotal moment.
“I’m going to throw that phone across the room!” Andrew said with a hint of annoyance in his voice.
“Trust me, I want to do the same. I ignored the call, but not before I saw that it was my dad. I really should have answered it. I noticed I had another missed call as well from a Riverview number that I didn’t recognize. Who else would be calling me from Riverview?
I set the phone down on the floor and snuggled into Andrew. He kissed me right behind the ear. Who knew there was a direct line between that exact spot and whatever nerves that were responsible for arousal? He feathered kisses across the bend in my neck and pulled my shirt over so he could continue his line of kisses along my shoulder.
My damned phone rang again. We both sighed.
“Jenna,” Andrew whined. He sank back into the couch.
“Sorry.” I rolled over to face him, completely ignoring my phone.
“Why does it always ring when we’re together?”
“It rings when we’re not together too.” I countered.
“It seems to ring a lot when we’re together too. Like Josh just knows we are together.”
“That’s impossible. And it’s not Josh calling.”
The
phone rang again. I ignored it and engaged in a staring contest with Andrew. He was upset, but how was I supposed to control who called me.
“Turn it off,” he said, not breaking eye contact.
“Okay.”
I leaned off the couch, but saw that it was my dad again. When I didn’t immediately turn off the phone, Andrew jumped off the couch and paced the living room.
“Jenna, just answer your damn phone. Whoever is calling you obviously needs you,” Andrew half yelled.
“No, I don’t even recognize the number.” Which was a lie since it was my dad calling, but I didn’t recognize the number before this one.
“I need to go anyway. Class.”
“You don’t have class right now.” I followed him as he made his way to the front door.
“Yeah, well, I’m not as good of a liar as you are.” His eyes bored into mine. He knew I was lying. But about what? Josh? The phone calls? He turned quickly before I could recover and walked out the door. I grabbed the door knob to stop him, but my phone rang again.
“What?” I said, not so politely.
“Miss, Mitchell?” a kind voice asked.
“Yes,” I replied in a better tone.
“I’m Rebecca, from the Marion County Correctional facility.” She paused dramatically.
“Yes.” I walked away from the door. Andrew was a lost cause for the moment. Whatever the jail had to say was obviously important or they wouldn’t have called me three times in the last half an hour. Maybe Kim had died. I laughed. That would solve so many problems.
“I’m calling to inform you that Kim Teller, your mother, has passed away.” She paused dramatically, again.
Oh the irony. I barely processed what she said.
“Okay, thank you,” I said and hung up. The phone instantly rang again.
“Hello?”
“Jenna, its Dad.”
“Hey.”
“I’ve been trying to call you all morning. Your mother passed away last night.” His voice was thick with unshed tears. I wondered if he’d told Linda yet.
“I know. I got a call just now.”
“Just now?”
“Well, I just answered.” My mind was spinning.
“Are you okay?”
“Yeah, fine. Why?” Was I fine? I’d just wished my mother dead the instant before I was told she was.
“Okay, Jenna. I’ll let you go. Call me if you need to okay?”
“Yeah, sure.”
I let him hang up and ignored the incoming call I knew was Josh. My dad was obviously upset and on the verge of tears during our short conversation. Even though his relationship to my mom wasn’t necessarily born out of love, I believe that he tried to love her. He tried more that she did. She’d proved time and time again that she was incapable of love.
I wasn’t even sad right now. There was no sudden missing piece, or hole in my heart where she once was. I wasn’t happy that she was gone. I wasn’t anything.
“Jenna!”
Stefanie burst through the front door and stalked up to me. I was still processing what Rebecca had said.
“Jenna, Michelle replaced all my shampoo and condition with olive oil. She also drew a mustache on all my mirrors and wrote ‘nice ass’ on my bath towel.”
I guess had been taking her frustration out on Stefanie. Everything had been going so well here. I didn’t know what to tell Stefanie. So I laughed. She’d said all that with a straight face. She was all huffy and mad and seriously expected me to do something about this, but all I could do was laugh.
“Jenna?” Stef was baffled. I was too.
“I’m sorry,” I managed between laughs.
“Jenna, this isn’t funny. I have no money to replace this stuff.”
“What do you mean? I thought you parents paid for everything.” I stopped laughing. Stef’s face was pained. She grimaced before answering my question.
“My parents divorced this summer and all the money they’d saved for my education is gone. I have nothing. I had to take out loans this year and I don’t have a lot of extra. I barely have enough for rent this year and what’s left goes to food and school supplies.”
“Stef, I had no idea. I’m so sorry.” I wiped tears from my eyes. It wasn’t funny anymore.
“Yeah, I mean, I’m grateful that Lauren and Michelle are here because it makes rent so much cheaper, but Michelle’s pranks aren’t funny to me. She ruined all my food and my stuff. I thought we’d gotten over this.”
“I’ll say something to her I’m so sorry,” I repeated and hugged her.
“Are you okay?” she asked. “You look a little lost. I saw Andrew leave, is everything okay with him? We haven’t talked in a while. I miss you.”
She was rambling a bit and I didn’t know what to answer first.
“I’m fine. Andrew’s fine. My mom died last night. I miss you too.”
“Oh my God, Jenna! You let me ramble on about my problems and your mom died?”
“It’s no big deal. We weren’t close.”
“I know, but it’s still sad.” She hugged me.
“I guess.”
I really didn’t know how I was supposed to react to this news. I was glad she was gone and out of my life for good, I was sad that my mother was gone, I was sad she hadn’t contacted me before she passed, I was sad that I was glad that she was gone. It was so messed up.
“I need to go.”
I ran out of the apartment and walked. Just walked. I didn’t even know where I was going until I got there.
The river.
The river in Riverview also flowed through Brookhaven, but instead of the calm, slow flowing, stream that it was back home, here it was a raging force that required a bridge and boats to navigate. It didn’t quite offer the same peace for me as it did back home.
But I was here non the less. I didn’t dare jump in even though my body screamed to be cleansed by the cool waters. It’s how I’d dealt with my emotions in the past. Diving into the still waters washed away all bad things that happened, like when my mom tried to sell me for drug money or when my dad said I couldn’t live with him because his new wife didn’t want me around.
Today, I stood at the edge of the cement wall that held the water in. The wind tossed my hair around my face as I listened to the roaring currents and the lapping of waves and imagined I was in the water. I allowed the wind to act as the water had once done. It cleared my mind and refreshed my memories. My mother was gone and I wasn’t even sad. I wasn’t mad either. I just was.
CHAPTER FOURTEEN
A week had passed since my mother had died. My dad and I decided to just have her cremated. I had had to deal with all of her arrangements because Linda wouldn’t allow dad to be involved in anything that had to do with Kim. So I’d been the go to person between the jail and the crematorium. I’d even skipped class one day because there was some issue with the transportation of her body between the jail and the funeral home where she was to be cremated. I’d been waiting for a call and it hadn’t come so I stayed home to wait. Turns out, I could have gone to class, but it was nice to just lie in bed in the dark. I hadn’t told any of my roommates yet. I didn’t know what to say, so I just avoided them.
I had no clue what to do with the ashes, but the funeral home had given me a tin box with a ziplock bag that held what was left of her. She was still in my car, because I was too lazy to bring her upstairs into the apartment. I’d told Andrew and he’d forgotten all about our fight about the phone ringing. He actually felt bad, but I told him not to. I didn’t feel bad. I wished they’d left a message. My reaction would have been the same.
There was no memorial service. No one cared that she’d died. There were no flowers sent or cards received. I’d been contacted several times about a wake, but each time I’d politely declined the service.
My phone had been silent too. No Josh. No texts or phone calls, nothing. It’s what I had wanted, but now that it was radio silence from him, I found myself missing him. I’d
picked up my phone several times to call or text him, just to change my mind at the last minute. I didn’t even know if he knew about my mom.
I usually found myself over at Andrew’s place. Even though things had calmed down at home, I just didn’t want to be around anyone. I hadn’t had the chance to talk to Michelle about Stefanie yet. I didn’t want to run into either of them and have to explain that either Michelle needed to quit with the pranks, or that Stef just needed to suck it up a little while longer until I could figure out what to say to Michelle to make Stef happy.
Today, I was sitting on Andrew’s bed, pretending to read about Pavlov’s theory of classical conditioning. I wasn’t really getting anywhere though. There was something about a dog and bell and salivating. Andrew was busy at his computer playing a game. The same game he’d been playing on Halloween. There were graphs and lines and intermittent beeping.
“What are you doing?” I finally asked.
“Nothing,” he said, blowing me off in a sense.
“Remember at Halloween you said you’d tell me what this game was?”
“It’s not a game.” He seemed a little irritated.
“Then what is it?” I slammed my psychology book shut and climbed off the bed. I stood behind him, looking at the screen. It really just looked like gibberish, but I wanted to know what it was all about.
He sighed and turned in his chair and held my hips in his hands. I slid them down off of me, making out was not going to make me forget about this.
“I want to know,” I pleaded.
“It’s a program for coma patients,” he said.
“Coma patients? Why are you interested in coma patients?”
Andrew leaned back in his desk chair and placed his hands at the back of his head. He blew out a breath from his pursed lips, spun around, and scooted his chair over to me. He placed his hands on either side of my knees and looked up at me with those deep, wondrous, brown eyes.
“Jenna, you don’t know much about me or my past. We had this mutual understanding when we first met. We saw the brokenness in each other and just never talked about it.”