by Unknown
“Andrew, I didn’t have any kind of relationship with my mom. Not like you did with yours. She’d all be abandoned me by the time I was ten. We were more like roommates than mother and daughter.”
“But she was still your mom,” his eyes were sad. He didn’t understand. Maybe it was because he didn’t get to have a relationship with his mom, but there wasn’t a relationship with my mom. There was just nothing.
“Yeah, my mom who didn’t care about me or what happened to me.”
“Jenna.”
“I don’t have anything else to say about this.” I held up my hands at him. I really didn’t want to talk about her. I was dealing with it on my own. I didn’t need to discuss the merits or lack thereof that she possessed.
“Fine.” He leaned back and crossed his arms over his chest. His expression was pained. I knew he was thinking about his mom. I couldn’t feel guilty about that. I can’t understand his need for a mother he never got a chance to know, and can’t understand why I feel the way I do about mine.
“I’ll see you later,” I said and stood up. I didn’t want to sit and wallow in this negative energy. The conversation had stalled and I just wanted to go.
“When will you be back?” he asked, standing too.
“Probably this evening. I have no reason to stay in Riverview.”
“I’ll wait up for you.”
“I’ll be late.”
“That’s fine.”
He came around the table and wrapped his arms around me. I wasn’t in the mood for a hug or any kind of affection today and Andrew was getting on my nerves. This wasn’t the first time he’d pestered me about my mom. He just didn’t get it, no matter how much I tried to explain. He’d lost his mom at a young age, I dealt with mine my whole life. That’s right. I dealt with her. I endured her. I lived through her mess.
“Okay, bye.” I removed myself from his arms and left him sitting there without any further discussion or even a kiss. I just wanted to get this over with.
CHAPTER SIXTEEN
“Miss Mitchell, what was your relationship with Mayor Banks?”
I was seated at a long table with too many seats placed around it. One wall of the room was windows, while the rest were lined with cabinets and black and white Ansell Adams motivational posters.
“He was my friend Michelle’s dad. I saw him every so often when I went to their house. I didn’t talk to him much.”
“What about when he came to see your mom?”
“I don’t think I ever saw him at my house.”
“Then how did you know he had a relationship with her?”
“Because Mrs. Banks, his wife, found them in bed together, surrounded by drugs.”
“That matches up with what the wife said,” he whispered to his colleague.
***
The questions droned on and on. I probably just answered the same questions over and over again, they were just worded differently. Two hours later, I was allowed to leave. I sat in my car in the parking lot, thinking about everything they’d asked me. I wasn’t sure what was going to happen to him. I’d googled what happens to public officials when they get caught with drugs and it’s basically nothing. One guy went to jail for six weeks and was released and he was the mayor of Toronto. I’m sure this small town will let him off with just a slap on the wrist.
It was two o’clock. If I left now, I’d make it back to Brookhaven by seven, leaving plenty of time to spend time with Andrew. And I needed to. I needed to explain things to him. I wanted to tell him about my past and my mom. Not that is was a huge deal, but he’d been open with me about his mom’s condition, so I needed to do the same. It was how relationships worked.
I pulled out of the parking lot and took the dusty, dirt road out of town, but I was on auto pilot. I made a sharp left and knew exactly where I needed to go, and home to Brookhaven wasn’t it. I flew down the familiar dirt roads until the smell of damp earth filled my car.
Seeing as it was December, it was too cold to get in the water, which sucked because washing away all my problems would be great right about now.
I made the last bend before the river and slammed on the brakes. I wasn’t alone out here. A midnight blue, extended cab, Ford truck sat at the edge of the bank. Josh was here. Of course he’d be here. The universe hated me.
I pressed the gas again and parked my tiny car next to Josh’s massive one. I couldn’t see him anywhere, but this part of the river was long, with winding paths the lead through the corn and other fields. I doubted he was in the water, but I wouldn’t past him. I just hoped he wasn’t thinking about me while he was swimming.
The earth was dry under my feet until just a few feet before the water line. It had been a dry winter so far, but after a good winter rain storm or even snow, the river would rise and dampen the ground again. I was grateful for the dryness though since I only had this pair of shoes with me. Explaining muddy shoes to Andrew and my roommates when I got home would be difficult.
I walked to the edge of the water, my toes just far enough away from the tiny, lapping waves that I didn’t get wet. I scanned the area, no Josh. But the willow tree he’d pressed me up against was directly across from me. I closed my eyes, I could still feel the smoothness of the truck against my back. And his hands squeezing my hips, his lips on mine.
“Jenna?”
“Holy, jeez.” I swear I jumped ten feet in the air. “You scared the crap out of me, Josh.”
He was behind me so I turned to face him as I caught my breath.
“Sorry. What are you doing here?” He was wearing jeans and an old, red hoodie from high school that read Indians.
“Um, I had to give a deposition with Mayor Banks’ lawyers today.” I hitched my thumb behind me in the general direction of the town.
“What are you doing here? At the river?”
“I don’t know, I just needed to clear my head I guess. The deposition was really intense.”
I took a few steps towards him before I noticed the sadness in his face. His eyes were red, making the blue stand out even more than usual. He was hunched over, his arms crossed in front him as he leaned against the back end of his truck.
“I see,” he said and looked down at his crossed ankles. He sniffed and ruffled his blond hair.
“Is everything okay?” I step towards him again. Tears. Josh was crying. “Oh my gosh, Josh.”
He opened his arms and pulled me into a fierce embrace. I wrapped my arms around him and hung my hands on his shoulders. His body shook with sobs as confusion muddled through my head.
My heart was aching for him. I’d never seen Josh cry. And now I didn’t know why he was crying, but the intense way he held onto me, like he was trying to hold himself together, had tears welling up in my eyes as well.
“Josh,” I whispered after a minute. But he didn’t answer so I just let him cry.
After a few minutes he pulled out of my grip but still held onto my waist, his head was still hung low so I couldn’t see his face. I let my arms fall from his shoulders and cupped his face in my hands. I wiped his tears with my thumbs and lifted his face so our eyes met.
“What happened?” I asked. My heart was breaking just by the look on his face.
He blinked a few tears away before responding, “My mom is sick. She’s not getting better. I don’t think she’s going to make it through Christmas,” he stuttered through his words.
My heart slid out of my chest to the pit of my stomach, my head spun out of control with memories of Mrs. Riley. Her pies, her yellow kitchen, her kindness, her perfectly round pancakes, and the time she lied for me, the time she apologized to me for the way she treated me after she found out about my mom. Mrs. Riley had been more of a mother to me last summer than my own mother had been throughout my enter life. She talked to me and listened to me. She cared about me and my future. She worried about me and called after I’d left Riverview, but I’d blown her off. I’d pushed her away along with Josh. I was a terrible person.
“I-I’m so sorry, I had no idea.”
Josh wrapped his fingers around my wrists and pulled my hands away from his face, lacing his fingers through mine, holding them tight.
“You would have known if you’d picked up the phone,” he said, his voice cold.
“Josh, I am really, so sorry. Really. I-,” I didn’t have any excuse for my behavior except for selfishness. “What’s wrong with her?” there was no real way to ask that without sounding insensitive.
“Cancer,” the vile word choked in his throat.
“Wow.” I didn’t know what else to say.
“It came on quickly,” he sniffed. “She was sick this summer. That cooking conference she went to, she was really at a clinic participating in clinical studies for ways to beat it.”
“Oh wow.” I had no other words except wow. This was so much information. “I had no idea. Why didn’t you tell me?”
“So much happened this past summer. So much.” He was on the verge of tears again. “I had so much on my plate and then you showed up. I was trying to just deal with everything myself. I lied about so much. I’m sorry.” Tears spilled down his cheeks. I was surprised he had anymore to cry out.
“Josh. Oh my gosh. I’m so sorry,” I couldn’t stop apologizing. I was actually the worst person in the world. I’d dumped all my problems on him without any regard for his own problems. I’d never asked him about himself, I’d never showed that I’d cared about him or what he was going through. I’d just sucked everything out of him for my own gain, then spat him back out and left him.
“She wants to see you,” he said, pulling me from my selfishness.
“Me?”
“Yeah, she’s been asking about you.”
This made me feel so much worse.
“I’d like to see her too, if that’s okay.”
“Of course it is.”
“Okay.”
We stood there, at the edge of the river, still holding hands, just staring into each other’s eyes. My heart was pounding. No matter how hard I’d tried to forget him and block him from my life, his touch still ignited a desire in me. A desire to be near him. I couldn’t deny it anymore. I was still in love with Joshua Riley.
I didn’t know what else to say, I was just waiting for him to move first, for him to let go of me so we could go to his house. I figured I’d just follow him to his house. I’d have to call Andrew along the way to let him know I’d be later than I planned. I wondered if he had even called to see how the deposition went.
I was lost in thought before I realized that Josh had let go of my hands and slid one arm around my back, the other held the back of my head. It all happened so fast, that I didn’t have a chance to react to his lips on mine. His soft lips, pressing against mine. Familiar tingles raced through me with each pass of his tongue. His arms tightened around me as he captured my mouth over and over again. My arms were pinned between us, so all I could do was bend my elbows and hug around his hips.
But I let him kiss me. I wanted him to kiss me. I missed his kiss and I didn’t even know it. Everything that happened this summer didn’t even matter anymore because Josh was kissing me.
“I’m sorry,” he said breathless. Both of his hands were on my face, holding me in place while he caught his breath. And honestly, I was glad he had a hold of me, I could barely stand after that.
“I’m not,” I swallowed hard and focused on his lips. He licked them and all I could do was lean forward and kiss him softly. Just once.
“Jenna,” God, I missed the way he said my name. “I’m sorry.”
“It’s fine.” I patted his chest and he stepped away from me. “Let’s go see your mom.”
CHAPTER SEVENTEEN
I pulled in behind Josh’s truck in his gravel driveway and met him at the door.
“Ready?” he asked, making it seem like I needed to prepare myself for what was inside. Or that he was preparing himself.
“Yes?”
His smile told me that I did need to prepare myself. But I didn’t know what to prepare myself for. I thought back to the last time I saw her, at the café right before Thanksgiving. At the time, I thought she looked fine, but realized now that she’d looked very thin and had spoken with such care. And she said ‘today was a good day’ or something like that, implying that maybe her days weren’t usually good.
I had been so wrapped up in myself, and so intent on forgetting everything about Riverview, that I’d ignored the one person, well one of the people, who actually cared about me and who I cared about. Mrs. Riley had been like a mother to me this summer. She took care of me and treated me like her own child.
Josh opened the door and I followed him in. It was close to four o’clock and the winter sun was setting, but inside, the room was dimly lit, I had to let my eyes adjust. There was one lamp on in the corner and the curtains were drawn, the only other light was what filtered from the dining room and kitchen.
“Jenna?” A soft voice cooed from somewhere in the semidarkness.
“Mrs. Riley?”
I found her sitting on the same hide-away couch I’d slept on when I’d stayed here. She was surrounded by pillows and blankets. A bottle of water was next to her along with a humming oxygen machine. Tubing ran from it to the clip in her nose.
“I’m so glad you came, I’ve missed you.” Guilt settled in my gut.
“I’m so sorry, I had no idea you were sick,” I left Josh at the door and joined her on the couch. I sat right at the edge of the cushion, not wanting to disturb her.
“You don’t have to be sorry. I told Josh not to tell you. I know how busy you are with school and all that. And I heard about your mother. I’m so very sorry to hear that she passed away.”
“No,” I said a little too harsh. “I mean, no, you don’t need to be sorry about her.” I looked down at my hands in my lap. I fiddled with an invisible fluff on my pants.
“It’s okay to be upset about it.”
“I don’t want to be. She was nothing to me in the end. But you, you were everything to me. I’m so sorry I didn’t come here sooner. I’m sorry I ignored all of Josh’s calls. I’m sorry I just left without saying goodbye. I’m sorry I didn’t call you like I said I would.”
Tears spilled down my cheeks. I hadn’t meant to ramble on like that, but it all just kind of rushed out of me before I could think. She looked so small and helpless. I felt helpless. I wanted to do something or say something profound, but all I could say was that I was sorry and feel guilty about the way I’d acted.
“Oh honey, come here.” She opened her arms for me and I leaned into her. Her boney arms wrapped around me and I returned her embrace. I felt her tears fall on the top of my head.
The couch sank beside me as Josh sat down next to me. He rubbed my back and in this moment, I felt love like I’d never understood before. Here she was, basically on her death bed, and she was worried about me, she cared about me, she was forgiving me.
“How much time do you have?” I asked. I knew there was no right way or time to ask so I just blurted it out. Josh coughed awkwardly, and Mrs. Riley laughed, and then started coughing violently. I sat up quickly, unsure of what to do for her. She held up her hand as if asking me to wait or stop so I just sat there and watched her cough.
“I’m okay, dear. I just have a cough. That’s all.”
“I’m sorry,” I didn’t know what else to say.
My phone rang before Mrs. Riley could say anything else. I swear, everyone who calls me knows when I’m doing something important and needs to interrupt it.
It’s Andrew and I know he’s wondering where I am and how the deposition went.
“I have to take this, I’ll be right back.” I stood up and looked over at Josh. He had a scowl on his face, and I knew he must be wondering why I could answer this call, but ignored all of his. I couldn’t answer that. I just knew I needed to talk to Andrew or he’d start calling and texting over and over again like Josh had been doing.
“Hey,” I
say into the phone when I’d excused myself to the kitchen.
“Jenna, how’d it go? What’s happening?” he asked.
“The interview went fine. They basically just reasked all the questions the police did a few months ago.”
“I wonder why they couldn’t just use the questions from the police then.”
“Maybe they needed to reaffirm my answers and make sure I was telling the truth. Or maybe they needed answers for their own files. I don’t know. It was kind of a waste of time.”
“I see. So when are you coming home?”
I hesitated before I answered. I wasn’t sure how to answer him. I didn’t want to be dishonest, but I didn’t want to make it seem like I was blowing him off.
“I’m staying here,” I said softly.
“Staying where?” he didn’t sound too happy.
“In Riverview.”
“With who?” He knew. He knew I was staying with Josh. Michelle and Lauren were still in Brookhaven because Michelle had a final tonight and because I was their ride to Riverview this week. Which now, didn’t seem to be happening. I made a mental note to call Michelle or Lauren later.
“Josh.”
Andrew was silent for what seemed like hours, but really it was just a few seconds.
“I’ll see you tomorrow then,” he finally said.
“I think I’m staying until after Christmas.” I’d might as well break all the bad news to him so he didn’t feel the need to call back tomorrow.
“What about Christmas dinner with the Hamilton’s? You promised. They made a lot of food.”
Crap, I’d completely forgotten that’d he’d invited me to his family Christmas celebration. And I hadn’t technically promised. And why would they make a lot of food for just one extra person.
“I’m sorry,” I pleaded.
“I’ll see you later, Jenna.” He hung up.
I was a terrible person. I was a terrible person for ignoring Josh for four months, I was a terrible person for not seeing that his mom was sick. I was a terrible person for going back and forth between two really great guys, even if that part was just in my head. I was so confused about everything, I was spiraling away from where I wanted to be.